I am the meanest Mum ever!!!

[Tinks]

I've learnt over the years that when they lash out like that it's because the punishment is working. He's realised you're not going to give up easily so he's pushing you further in order for you to give in so he can get what he wants - in this case his DS.

It's very hard to hear the 'i hate yous' and 'you're means' but you're doing a great job! Keep going

I've just read other replies, I wouldn't talk to him about his behaviour just yet. When it's time to give his DS back have a chat to him about why he thinks he lost it and how hurtful what he says is and discuss strategies to avoid him losing it again etc.

[Catastrophic]

Thanks for the replies girls xox

[toomanyshoes]

I thought I was over the tantrum throwing stage!

I had to laugh at that because I totally agree! I swear the tantrums are harder to deal with now they are older!

[Tinks]

I don't think the tantrums ever end!

We had one this morning because DS didn't like the way DD dressed for school

[Catastrophic]

:-D Glad i made you laugh! I get more stomping, screaming, door slamming from 7-8yo then i do from the 2-4 yo!

Oh boy Tinks, how did that one pan out?

[berrme]

Now, I'm going to need help with the NO DS for 2weeks! I always give in half way through, he starts behaving, and looks at me with those sweet eyes! But this time, enoughs enough! send me your support, and tell me i'm not mean :-(

I understand why 'I hate you' bothers you, but why does it bother you if you get called mean? To him, taking away the DS is mean, that is why you did it... you know it is something that will bother him. He says mean things to you in response because he knows it bothers you. You just have to be the meaner/ stronger one. You know that these punishments are for the good of everyone in the house in the long run, there is a purpose for being mean. Don't give the DS back, don't show him that you are upset by his words. This time you have to follow through. I am with Tinks... no emotional discussions until his 2 weeks is up.

I don't have big kids of my own yet, but I teach highschool so know about bad tween/ teen behaviour. I find that discussing with kids what they feel is a suitable consequence for their behaviours is a good way to stop the arguments. If they do __________, then such and such happens. If they do it again then something a bit tougher happens etc. If they have had a role in deciding the consequences then they really have no comebacks. And it isn't always about how serious the consequence is, just the certainty that it will happen.

[Smoke Jaguar]

I don't believe in punishments, actually. Not the ones you set up.
Ya know, I read somewhere once, and it really struck a chord (my DS is reeeeeeeeally challenging lately, with living at MiL's and her arbitrary rules and toing and froing between the farm and her place, to settling into here and starting kinder), that when you think the child least deserves a hug is probably when it is most needed.
Setting up an oppositional relationship will backfire at some stage. It doesn't mean you're 'soft', as in 'weak', it just means you are 'soft', as in, compassionate. I decided a little while ago that I'd prefer to be DS's soft place to land. I don't bother with withdrawal of toys, privileges etc, because I remember those feeling as good as a slap in the head, when I was little, and I clearly remember them doing nothing to instil any sort of respect, let alone a 'lesson'.
Alfie Kohn (you can google his articles) goes through the con of rewards and punishments really well - well worth a read, and bases a lot of his work on Parent Effectiveness Training.
You're not on the wrong track to have your heart tweaked by compassion - if you feel bad about it, then your instincts are telling you something