Oh Tali just a quick suggestion as my two boys are going to need "sorting" soon (bickering over toys). My first thought when reading your post was that your son might be feeling like he can't identify with anyone ATM. What I mean is that boys of this age really start to depend heavily on male role models as they drift (in a healthy way) a bit from their mums. Perhaps you son is yearning for more attention from your DH... this is a tricky one hey with your DH's distant jobs? There is a good book that I am always recommending called "Raising Boys" by Steve Biddolph. Perhaps what your son really means is that he can't identify with anyone... he doesn't know himself because he has no other male model to help define himself against. Because his logic is immature (as it is with ALL 8yos) he is misinterpreting this feeling as "hate" where I think he probably means "confused". Just a guess. Anyhow, try to grab yourself a copy of the book... it might help to make a bit of sense out of the situation before it gets worse. And in the mean time don't despair the best thing you can do for your son is demonstrate that you can "handle" these big scary feelings. He can't control them and if you show him that they really are big and scary then he will get even more scared.... You don't have to know all the answers... just outwardly be calm and loving and assure him that you have heard him and that together everything will be able to be dealt with. This in itself will really calm him.
I'm kinda going through the same thing with my oldest. She'll do something wrong - & usually SHE does start it - then when she gets into trouble she tells me how much she hates me, how much we hate her & how much she hates herself.
One night she actually said that she wanted to die. That was one of the hardest things to hear. It was said for attention only. She threw a tanty about staying over at my brothers place & was sent to bed when we got home. When she wasn't asleep 2 hours later & was still screaming & kicking the walls I turned off her light. I told her I'd heard enough & that it is time for bed as she had school the next day & it was nearly 11pm.
Thats when she yelled out 'I just want to die'.
I didn't know what to do. I sat in my room & cried for a bit, then went back in, told her again its time for bed, that I love her & goodnight.
I walked out & 10 minutes of yelling later & she was asleep.
I know how guilty you are feeling, but you did the right thing. DD is seeing a psycologist for that & alot of other reasons. All I can really do is just try to reassure her that I do love her & try not to react when she tells me or DD2 how much she hates us.
Thank you once again Its nice ( well not really as it means there are other upset kids out there but YKWIM ) to know we are not on our own...
Zayden is a loner he doesnt seem to have many friends but has plenty of kids who will say HI and Goodbye to him when I am there picking him up or taking him to school... He has been this way at every school he has been to has never asked for anyone to come over and has never been asked to go over to someone elses house ( not that he would go ) He has never been asked to a birthday party and has never asked to have one... I ask him who he plays with and he tell me he like to be on his own at the " wet lands " ( which is a new garden area at school ) in his last school he used to help the gardner every play time instead of playing with his peers but he tells me he is happy this way, so dont want him to think its not ok so just drop it... Have told him as long as he is happy, then it is ok to play on your own...
I might ask the school about a counsler funny though I know that we dont do anything wrong we dont beat our kids or anything just send them to there room alot but the thought of him talking to someone about us worries me... silly isnt it... Its not like anything he says would make them " Take him away from me " but its just the though of saying I need help with my child makes me feel like I failed him some how... I think that just steams from having him young I away felt like everyone was watching me waiting for me to stuff up....
The school is wanting to test him soon anyway as they think he might have a learning and behavior disability I know he has a learning even I can see that but not sure about the behaviour but I will go with whatever they say I think... so I guess he will be able to speck to a phycologist( sp?) then....
He does say he miss's Cairns but when I ask him why he miss's it he tells me because he miss's the warmth cant foult him there I miss the heat also it bloody cold down here... But I am hoping once we have money to do thing again ( we havent had any for 6 weeks and dont get paied for another 3 ) he will feel better as when he want to go and do something we wont have to say no we have no money like we do right now...
When BHL gets home I am hoping to get them to do some one on one things like bike riding together as like you have said he needs some Daddy time ...and they both love to ride....
Bath thanks for the recommadtion I might just have to get us that book, as I have no idea what I am doing when it comes to BOYS...
I to felt like that.. It feels weird knowing our kids are talking to someone else.. Ethan mainly talked about how to make him feel better and what things he could do/.
Just wanted to say I felt the same when Jaz started going to the psyc. That something would be said about past 'issues' & that they'd get taken away.
Before DD2 our relationship wasn't great & Jaz saw all of it.
Anyway. She's said a few things, but he knows that is all in the past & does not judge me at all. Never has.
Had a post all written out but the server dropped out, grrrr...
Anyway, following on from Bath (who has some awesome observations in her post!)I wanted to suggest Scouts or similar in your area - it will provide something to look forward to each week, as well as role models and friends
In 3 years' time he can join the CFA juniors, as well!!
Well on the walk back from school today we had another talk he told me that our talk last night made him feel better... so i told himthat anytime he feels down to just remember all the good things about himself and that if he cant think of any all he has to do is ask me why I love him and I will gladly tell him why I love him....
just a quick suggestion as my two boys are going to need "sorting" soon (bickering over toys). My first thought when reading your post was that your son might be feeling like he can't identify with anyone ATM. What I mean is that boys of this age really start to depend heavily on male role models as they drift (in a healthy way) a bit from their mums. Perhaps you son is yearning for more attention from your DH... this is a tricky one hey with your DH's distant jobs? There is a good book that I am always recommending called "Raising Boys" by Steve Biddolph. Perhaps what your son really means is that he can't identify with anyone... he doesn't know himself because he has no other male model to help define himself against. Because his logic is immature (as it is with ALL 8yos) he is misinterpreting this feeling as "hate" where I think he probably means "confused". Just a guess. Anyhow, try to grab yourself a copy of the book... it might help to make a bit of sense out of the situation before it gets worse. And in the mean time don't despair
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