need help with my 13 yr old niece

[MissM]

Sadly, it sounds like your sis just cant seem to let go for whatever reason, fear, embarrassment etc and as amali said - the whole family will require counselling to deal with what has happened. This is probably the first thing to do - i am surprised counselling hasnt been offered?

Sadly, I do not believe abuser's can change. The beatings only get worse, there is always an apology and always an excuse for why it happened. And its always someone else's fault, not their own.

Your sister need's to stay away from this man, and so do the children. That may sound harsh however this is my opinion, and I am not your sister (it took me 7 years to leave an extremely abusive relationship)

On the subject of forgiveness, I would like to point out your niece will not only (hopefully one day) try to forgive your BIL but also her mother. I often struggle to comprehend why my mother LET it happen so many times, why *I* had to be the protector of my younger siblings etc. I wonder if your sister realises this? I am almost 27 and still have not forgiven either one of them. I often still get upset at what I seen and then get angry - not looking for any sympathy/pity here - just wanting to point out a few things for you

Is your sister aware of how her daughter feels about this man? Have you spoken to your sis about why she is still seeing this man? I know it is difficult to leave an abusive relationship, as we dont know what type of 'hold' he has on her. Perhaps financial? Perhaps she is better off looking for another job to cut ties with him also?

I would also like to point out - Your sis being upset about her DD not wanting the Abuser to be at an Xmas lunch/dinner I feel she needs to be more supportive of her daughter in dealing with her emotions about what happened. Does she expect your neice to brush her feelings under the carpet? It might be an idea to point this out to her, in a caring aunt type of way Or your sister may risk losing contact with her own daughter. Personally, I left home at 15, didnt have any contact with my family for a few years & rarely see them today.

I do feel for your family going through this - but there seems to be a bit of a pattern here - 1st partner was abusive also?

Of course you dont have to come back and answer any of these questions - I am just writing what I am thinking.

[misty]

Little ones - I completely get what you are saying, and I truely think you are in the hardest position. As ideal as it might be to want your neice to forgive, I don't think it is something that can be expected or encouraged, without risk of causing her to feel undue pressure. Hopefully she will come to this in her own time, but forgiveness is a process and it sounds like she still has alot of angry and hurt to deal with before she can reach it. She should not feel like she 'has' to or 'should' forgive him.

I think when people talk about forgiving someone, that really mean acceptance. I cannot 'forgive' some things that have happened in my life. But I have learnt acceptance of them and am now a peace with them. But it is a long process. And it does not nessecarily means forgiving someone who abused their position or trust. It does mean accepting that that person is what they are and things happened as they did, and letting go of the anger and hurt and betrayal to move forward with their lives. I don't think there really is anything anyone else can do to help a person through this process, other then being there when they are needed and giving unconditional love and support. It is an internal struggle that will only be resolved when she feels ready.

At the moment she is still on guard and defensive. Because he is still in the picture this is unlikely to change. How can she relax enough to reach acceptance when the cause for fear is still there. He may not be living with them or having much interaction, but he is still there in the background, and may possibly return at any time. This has got to scare her, it is like a timebomb that might go off at any moment, and she has no control over any of it. Something that was clearly demonstrated to her when she rang the police and they refused to belive her. She lives in fear that he might beat her mum up again at any time, that maby he will once again move back into the house, that maybe one day he might beat her or one of her siblings. It doesn't matter if this is actually likely or not, This is her reality.