Teen Drama Queen - Is It Because She Thinks She's Boring?

[Lulu]

Funny you say that Zaidie - the mother of this same friend called me concerned that the girls were fighting. She wanted them to be friends again - I told her I had no idea what she expected me to do (they were FOURTEEN!!) and that it was pretty much between the two.

What I felt like saying was - your daughter is a drama queen to the point she carried on at DD's birthday, carries on at school and threatens to break the friendship of anyone that speaks to my daughter, and all her friends are sick of it - yet are kind enough not to tell her to eff off.
MY daughter is so sick of it that she doesn't want to continue the friendship and isn't making a drama out of it so not to make everyone uncomfortable so why can't you both just leave it alone?

*sigh

[~Kaz~]

My theory is that people always behave in ways that meet their needs, even in they're not aware of doing so. Adolescence is a time when massive changes are happening so it's too early to say that this girl is going to definintely have a dramatic personality style but she could be headed that way. I'm not sure she would think she's boring as such, she might even believe she's quite interesting because of all the dramatic things that keep happening to her - to you (and probably me) looking in from the outside, people like this often appear to have very little of substance going on in their lives or relationships but I think some people just need to have lots of interpersonal drama in their lives. It meets some kind of need - either for attention, a sense of importance, a way of attracting others to them, a way of feeling a bit excited about life, a way of avoiding other issues, of expressing themselves, resolving conflict and alleviating boredom would be another. It could even be related to the way their brains are wired in terms of neurotransmitters etc. Taken to the extreme (in an adult), creating and chasing drama is usually considered a personality disorder (when it causes significant problems in the individual's life and relationships). Does she appear to 'get over' the dramas as quickly as they arose? Or does she hold on to each drama and milk it for all it's worth? This would say different things about her emerging personality style and the reasons she chases dramas.

I reckon she sounds a bit self centred (what teen isn't though?) and possibly has fragile self esteem and so is prone to catastrophising the worst possible interpretation of events. She may have also been raised in a way where getting caught up in dramas was modelled as an effective way to solve problems (then again she may not have but creating drama got her attention in a non-dramatic family itms?).

Sounds like your DSD has good boundaries though. It would be interesting to see what this girl does if her friends stopped getting caught up in and responding to her 'dramas'.

[AnyDream]

I don't think it's boringness, but the biochemical rush of having a drama that drama-queens crave. It does sometimes seem that way. I had a long conversation about personality disorders just the other day - those grey areas of mental health dysfunction - and I believe that the constant drama-making is a feature of one or two of the recognised ones. Often the person has a way of viewing the world that is triggered by certain events - it might something like fear of abandonment, or need to control the people around them in order to feel emotionally secure.

Having a drama to generate attention is a skill we all possess, I'm sure (think of your average 2 year old, and we've all been 2 before LOL). It's a question of what the payoff is. For example, if I as an adult have a tantrum about something, I have to deal with the embarrassment of it, so I'm inclined to NOT have those sorts of dramas, by using other skills to get what i need. But if I haven't yet developed those skills, or have always been rewarded with attention, getting my way, manipulating people who comply in order to avoid the drama etc, then the payoff is much greater, and i"m less likely to resort to a more mature toolkit for getting my needs met.

Don't forget though that your DSD's friend *is* a teenager, and the row was with her mother, so it may well be something developmentally normally like seeking to establish her autonomy - she could be more moody at this age and then mellow as she grows. The drama she's experiencing is utterly real to her - which makes it harder to deal with. I'm sure having a friend like your DSD who can acknowledge how she's feeling and at the same time re-frame the events to give a different more balanced perspective is very good for her. Eventually tho DSD is gonna have to decide how much 'work' she's prepared to put into the friendship, and whether she's getting a return for her efforts.

ETA Kaz - I didn't read your post before I posted, but we're on the same page!! LOL

[Rivlas]

Good on your daughter for doing what she did, you must be very proud of her.
I think she should confront this girl and tell her that she has had enough of her behaviour and her lying. She chose to leave at that time of night, then tell a lie, then expects others to fix her lies. She needs to be told to think/consider others just not herself. She might be surprised what she sees, that there are other people on earth besides herself
What parent wants the phone ringing that time of night, let alone her DD having to deal with something she shouldn't have to.

[misty]

I wasn't a drama queen as a teenager, because I was (and am) a very private person. But I do remember (especially when I read back through my diary) how dramatic and OTT everything felt. Even little things which were really nothing seemed like such an emotional rollercoaster. I believe (in hindsight) I also had depression as a teenager, which no doubt made everything even more dramatic and OTT. It literally felt like the simplest thing was the end of the world.

Depression amongst teenagers is extremely common, and often displays itself in a completely different manner to how it might in an adult. Being a dramaqueen may be a symptom of this. I wish someone had of been able to tell me what was wrong with me as a teenager, because I had no idea, and struggled with many things that everyone else seemed to think shouldn't have even mattered at all.

Just a thought that maybe something similar is going on with this girl??

[AnyDream]

I think she should confront this girl and tell her that she has had enough of her behaviour and her lying.

I don't think the girl in question is actually lying. She's just perceiving/processing what's happened through a clouded inner filter. She needs help - to clean that filter up so that it's useful to her - not condemnation.

[Rivlas]

Sorry, I might have said it the wrong way.
I meant to say she needs to know that her behaviour is wrong but in a nice way.
I know school is finished for the year so not much can be done now but maybe at the start of next school year, if she is still like this, she could talk to the school councillor or someone like that.

[AnyDream]

It's definitely a learning process, isn't it Rivlas. I agree someone in her life needs to help her learn how to curtail this behaviour. She needs to understand this before she hits adulthood, or life is gonna get a lot harder.