teenage kids can be so cruel and oblivious to parents realities of money and health.

[sue1386]

thanks for your understanding comment about teens. some have been worse than others.
i heard a saying about get them out before they turn bitter that later in their 20s they turn bitter. unfortunately i have a few who are troubled and at the slightest thing they will turn nasty on me, because i'm there, even though i've been working my guts out and giving and giving so so so much all these decades in such terrible circumstances.

oprah has a financial counselling suze orman who says how sole parents give everything away physcially emotionally financially and then have nothing for themselves. she advises not to do that. i cant see how one cant do that but surely there are limits even to the constnat need to give and give and give so that they have all they need.

because i dont hav ea father or husband to stand up for me my kid shave learnt that they can treat me any which way and get away with it and there is nothing i can do . the things they have put me through are mind boggling and hard to forgive or recover from, but i just have to keep knowing that i didnt deserve that at all quite the opposite , but they were troubled.
as i wrote in my last post my grandmother was like that. my mother was so horrible to her and yet when she could help she still would she was so loving despite how she was always treated. i dotn want to be like that , but i am, because i know they are troubled.
but i can no longer buy one daughter with a baby groceries clothes etc because i do need to pay my mortgage and support younger ones.
counselling always sound slike the noble correct way.

you obviously havent read my last post.

i have done heaps of counselling over the years.
i am not giving more years of my life to that because of selfish dramas and hell my kids cause me
i didnt find it changed the course of anything and it just was draining and stressful.

i have found what works for me
getting on with my life and things that were on hold for so many years while i was raising so many kids like work social peace anything my own life, - and things i find pick up my health works best for me not counselling.
i will seek some advice when thigns come up but i have not found regular counselling helpful and it took up time and energy for other thigns that help more, like just getting on with it.

in my family i have very little rights.
there are many troubled people including my mum and they all work against me
they threatened, double cross , blackmail me.
the thing that helps me most is when my kids move out of my house
my own clarity
getting on with my life
doing thigns that relax me or help my life my finances my health
and trying not to get so distraught by the constant heart breaking things that i cant stop in my selfish manipulative nasty family.
and then deciding if i will still give while they are troubled horrible people to me, because they need support, even though they at times make my life hell.

read my last post and you will get the answer recounselling. and how i've done heaps over the years it didnt change anything
so i do seek advice, maybe speak to a counsellor, parentline or such is great, but regular appointments, giving my life to that , no thanks, i am not giving my life away more years becasue of people around me.
i did so much for years , and the thing that helped most was when they moved out, not anything else that i spent time and money on.

[HotI]

if you were willing, and wanting to work on it, counselling may help you become less of a victim. It sounds like you have had a hard time, but you need to decide what you are willing to put up with, and to not accept other types of behaviour. If your kids want their youth allowance, then they also get to pay for some of their educational expenses.

good luck

[Fleur]

Sorry Sue, I did read your last post but I didn't see anything there saying you had tried counselling.. I will go back & look again.

because i dont hav ea father or husband to stand up for me my kid shave learnt that they can treat me any which way and get away with it and there is nothing i can do . the things they have put me through are mind boggling and hard to forgive or recover from, but i just have to keep knowing that i didnt deserve that at all quite the opposite , but they were troubled.

You need to teach them that they can't treat you like that... being troubled is no excuse for disrespecting your family. If you allow 'being troubled' to be an excuse they will continue to do it. Same goes for your mother. If she's tormenting you - it might be time to step away. You don't need it, and as you say, you don't deserve it.

I really hope things get better for you soon.
Good luck

[Lulu]

Sue, I hear you on the youth allowance CRAP. I cannot believe the amount of teens that think it's pocket money for them. This is of course fuelled by their friends that (for some STUPID reason) are allowed to get it for themselves.

They get very irate and uppity when you spend "their" money on things like schoolbooks, food and the roof over their heads don't they?

However, you didn't have to agree to the children receiving the money directly. All these councellors you see - did any of them support you to be a strong parent and not continually give everything to your children? Did you not see this would give them a baseless sense of entitlement? When you say no they get angry, but when you always cave in they know you will do so. Toddlers and teens are pretty much the same in the boundaries department.

You have to have a look at your part in the picture - and as a parent that is a very large part.

[BrightSparkles]

read my last post and you will get the answer recounselling. and how i've done heaps over the years it didnt change anything
so i do seek advice, maybe speak to a counsellor, parentline or such is great, but regular appointments, giving my life to that , no thanks, i am not giving my life away more years becasue of people around me.

I read your OP and didn't see anything about counselling as this was going to be my first suggestion to you.

if you were willing, and wanting to work on it, counselling may help you become less of a victim. It sounds like you have had a hard time, but you need to decide what you are willing to put up with, and to not accept other types of behaviour.

I have to say I agree with Kate here.
Finding a counsellor is a bit like finding a car - your not going to buy the first car you see, you usually shop around. This is just like counselling. Not all counsellors will suit you.
Yes you need to vent about what is happening but while ever you have thoughts like

but regular appointments, giving my life to that , no thanks, i am not giving my life away more years becasue of people around me.

you are only giving those people around you more power and permission to walk all over you. You need to start taking back some of this power and not keep sitting in a victim role.

It sounds like you have been through allot, but YOU have the power to change how people treat you and your reactions to this. If you don't stand up for yourself, then people are only going to continue treating you this same way.

my mother often has been a psychopath enjoying watching me in torment and encouraging others to torment me and i so often wanted to die from the torment she puts me through at times,

Maybe until you are able to cope better with your own thoughts and feelings, this is one influence you need to step away from for the time being, work on yourself first and then work on this relationship and ways to better cope with it.

Good Luck, it's hard work, but like I said, only YOU can change how you react to these situations. And yes, teenagers can be selfish etc - maybe it's because they don't yet have the life experience to cope and/or understand the full extent of the situation and maybe sitting down and being honest and Telling them will help them to understand a bit better.

[fionas]

Sue - I agree with Lulu about the boundaries thing. It takes a lot of mental energy sometimes to come up with boundaries that are fair to all parties and sometimes it's tempting to keep the peace and cave in but ... ya gotta do it.

Due to certain events with DSD recently we have told her that there is no pocket money until her next school report (don't care about her marks but she has to show she's giving it a red hot go by attending all classes and giving in all assignments) so she will have to get a job. She WAS complaining about this because she's about to start VCE and doesn't think it's fair. Well sorry buster, but if you come home with a school report with mostly fails then you're obviously not doing your homework so you have plenty of time for a part-time job and hey, you're going to need one because you're probably not going to uni. The day after DP laid it on the line, guess what she went job hunting! Boundaries work.

I think sit down and work out something you think is fair and then talk to your kids. In some ways, there's no point working out what has caused them to treat you like this from a psychological perspective. That also takes a lot of energy as you know so try to spend more time focusing on how you want the future to be instead.

[Jas]

Hi,

Just wanted to say ladies, I am pretty sure Sue is referring to a thread she pposted, it was called "should I go to her engagement party" I think?

[sue1386]

yes sorry about that. it is a totally previous thread not just a previous post on this thread where we chatted re counselling and how much i did over the years and how little it changed the course of things or helped my health. my health was helped the most when they moved out!!! and i had a more humane workload
and when i get on with my life and switch off from their dramas
counselling is helpful specific and then get on with it i find. and counsellors even said that i am levelheaded and need friends not counsellors, but i use both specifically not regularly. and as i said i find getting on with my lfie helps me the most.

yes i have explored alot about not being a victim
not lettign things effect me
boundaries
i did so many courses on it
i've talked about this specific topic over and over

and yet i am manipulated tormented tortured blackmailed abused and my kids learn from my ex and from my mother and my mother contibutes to the abuse too

and as mentioned teens dont have the life experience

the timing of her birthday was such taht i've just paid so much expenses already and now suddenly it will be taken from me.

my mother supports it

we agreed on her taking half

1 year ago i had 5 kids living at home that i was supporting on some 20 000 a year
no i dont have the rights to set boundaries with children who are troubled or have been very sick in hospital and yet i still need to care for them for their sake so i do get screwed again and again and again.

this child wants money for driving lessons and also waxing ( she inherited extremely hairy genes and also a beutician siling maybe got her hooked on waxing. ) she is a good kid.

other kids were not one was on drugs one was a good kid but a money drain and had anorexia so again my hands were tied she was too sick for me to do much and if she was working and not delcairng i kept treyign to chase it up but it never happened still. her attitude now is what really disturbs me the things she said as i wrote above about now the sister wanting to take centrelink

my mothers attitude disturbs me
i am waiting for these 2 younger ones to grow up so i can move to a cheaper suburb. meanwhile i am stuck here have to pay this roof etc as someone else mentioned, and how much did i get the other day a grand total of $173 for a whole week. that wont pay for anything, not bills, not car repairs, not home repairs, not school books, not mortgage, not tuturoing or camps or clothes. its really not much money and to want to take that away when i dont ahve a husband or a thriving career is very disturbing for me.
i knew in a few years any money i get will cut out but at least let me have it till then while i work on solutions while still facing many challenges with my kids all of which is on me.

my mums attitude was the daughter will take half for expenses because my mum says that she cant give any pocket money to help her because she has to pay 30 000 for a lawyer my daughter with the baby had to hire becasue of trouble the birth father was causing.

but when my mother hired a solicitor i didnt win tattslotto, why should i be put under more pressure. and this daughter who wants the youth allowance wont always have driving lessons so why should she always have half of the youth allowance?

i dont ahve a husband or a father and they ahve learnt from tehir father and siblings nad my mother that they can get away with abusing me

cou8nsellers didnt help anything my kdis have done such incredibly complicated abusive torment to me time and time again particularly 3 years ago but even this year and my mother joined in trying to black mail me despite professional advice i had.

i've learnt i may as well wear a sign saying that i am the easiest person to abuse because i have noone to stand up for me and help stop it and so far so many abusers have gotten away with murder. they have a way of doing very very very tormenting things that are done in such a way to put me to question so that there is nowhere i can call for help and noone who realises whats really going on and those we do just stand by in horror unable to stop the behaviour of crazy troubled poeple.

[Lulu]

Sue, hun - you are not getting it. You are the only one that can stand up for yourself.

The troubled ones are the ones that need the boundaries the most! Yes, they carry on and scream get nasty etc...but you have to stand stronger for them to learn the lesson. And reinforce the boundaries until they get it.

The rest of the world won't let them get away with it, but they can always come home and kick the crap out of you...which is apparently what is happening now and will continue to happen until YOU say NO MORE.