Sue, hun - you are not getting it. You are the only one that can stand up for yourself.
The troubled ones are the ones that need the boundaries the most! Yes, they carry on and scream get nasty etc...but you have to stand stronger for them to learn the lesson. And reinforce the boundaries until they get it.
The rest of the world won't let them get away with it, but they can always come home and kick the crap out of you...which is apparently what is happening now and will continue to happen until YOU say NO MORE.
i did a million courses and counselling about boundaries
there is a limit to what i can do
if they live at home i will not tell them dont eat my food because you took your youth allowance
i cant kick them out when they are young
i often couldnt do anything when they were sick and yet they needed clothe3s and things desperately
it is much more complicated and i am sick of hearing people make simplistic answers.
i gave various examples before in this or other threads. those were situations where no standing up would protect the person and huge dmaage was done to all aspects of their lives permanent damage to them and their good name that they could not control or stop no matter what they tried.
but yes this is an issue that is attended to amongst a complex picture of immature unaware kids who will nto be made aware by talking and an often cruel mother of mine who doesnt back off with boundaries or reason when she finds a way to torment
yes i do stay away
still there have been ways they could hurt me and do . Anyway i ahve to give attention to other aspecats of my life right now i dnt want to keep going over and over it.
i do have to step back and care fo rmyself. they find ways still to torment me like this with the youth allowance. i can pay less but i'm still very upset that they do this and get away with it like my other kids have despite huge efforts courses counselling of mine over the years. the bottom line is one cant kick out young kids and this girl is a good girl she genuinedly has expenses such as social, health, driving lessons. i am still very upset that people would do this to me when my situation is so hard, jsut because they can get away with it.
boundaries is a topic i've often talked about with professionals but when you are dealing with some sick kids and cruel troubled people it is often differnt. oen time i did take a very very very strong legal stand and took action and my son thanked me saying it forced him into counselling that changed him, but at the same time many peole worked against me and tormented me during that time and since not understanding why i did that.
this child doesnt need that but this is still upsetting fo rme that jsut because they can get away with it they do when other kids would not dare do such a thing
there are many ways people can torment with no protection whatsover and they do.
obviously not in my family they can and do get away with it. its ridiculous that legally they can.
some of my kids worked and it was very very hard for us with what we were going throught o work and study. not everyone can cope with that especially sick children and some schools are so demanding that thats all they can do .
We were all kids once - & yes, like toddlers teenagers can be trying. However, it's tough negotiating adulthood especially when there has been a family breakdown. Life can throw hard stuff for all of us - it's how we choose to see it & deal with it that matters most...
Sue you need to make a choice. A conscious choice on what behaviour you are going to use. Right now you are a victim. To the system, the kids, money, mortgage.
Only you can change that. If your kids dom't respect you - I suspect it's because you don't respect yourself. You have to heal your relationship with yourself first.
If you are not prepared to have strong but kind boundaries - your children will not learn that boundaries are necessary. That is your job. You need to have a spreadsheet of you r incomings & outgoings, of costs involved in maintaining your home. I have done thsi with my kids to a degree (they are younger some of them)... Just to show them that money is finite - we all have to work together. When chores are done, when kindness is used for the majority of the week. We hit the icecream shop on Friday afternoon. It's something to look forward to... Even the teenageer looks forward to chatting over an icecream... Icecream may be too banal for your situation - but there will be something to draw you all together. Roast night, movie night with popcorn... Love you, look after you & try and see the beauty in each one. It may be hard to see it but each of them has beauty... It will release you from some of the negativity you are feeling perhaps.
I believe our kids are our teachers. They bring us lessons. We can choose to learn or not. It's hard work being a single mum - I understand. But you can & have done it alone. So, now without anger or resentment respect yourself enough to state what you will be okay with and what you will not. Work on a solution not on feeling victimised. Work on drawing you all together not on anger.
Don't yell or rant. Just quietly state.
I wish you luck...
Last edited by Inanna; January 15th, 2010 at 08:45 PM.
Sue, have you ever sat the kids down together and gone through the finances? Shown them exactly what's coming in and what has to go out and just how little is left over for extras. I know my own kids were genuinely shocked when I told them how much the phone calls to their grandparents in England were costing - up until then they didn't have a clue.
Families all have to pull together and I honestly believe there's not a chance of that happening when information isn't being shared.
Apologies if you've already tried this but if not then it's got to be worth a try.
Sue - again, you allow them to gain access to the YAL, which legally you are entitled to have.
imho the fact the give the option for the teens to access money (which is there for lower income families that need it) is a silly, silly thing. I can't change that.
However, it was not simple for me. My rules are simple, but if you cannot respect SIMPLE rules - like contributing to the household, doing BASIC chores etc, I cannot permit that.
I gave my daughter a lovely unit to live in at the back of my house because it would be easier for her to study and have some teen freedom without the hassles of the younger children. She fully understood my financial position. I explained to her what YAL was for. I showed her the bills for her uniforms and VCE books (WHOA!).
If she worked part time, that money was hers as she has earned it.
But she didn't want that, she wanted the YAL because all her friends got it. I made an arrangement that she could have half if she kept her unit tidy, helped with the dishes and called me if she was to come home late. Be respectful of her mother. She apparently could do none of that. She got rude and nasty. I explained the choice was hers - be supported by me in the unit for as long as she was at school and uni. I could not afford to give her any more than that.
I showed her how much rent would be yadda yadda yadda. This went on for months. I had a part time job at school, so did nearly everyone else in the world. You have to pay your way. Even if I was rich, I would expect the same. How can you 'release' a child into the world with that sort of expectation? It is my responsibility to prepare her for reality...not put her ass in a sling because she would expect it for the rest of her life. My younger children would too.
I could not let her be so rude and dismissive of me in front of the younger children - what sort of example would that set? She wanted what I could not and would not give.
And she chose to leave. And I had to let her go. Now she lives in a place she has to do far more chores she ever had to do here. She has to be home early, she must pay her own bills, she must pay for her own phone, get herself around by public transport.
And she though it was a matter of leaving home and doing whatever you feel like - WRONG! So I had to let my 16 yr old daughter go. She is learning the greatest lesson she will ever learn and it hurts that I cannot be there for her but nevertheless it will be the making of her.
No one gets a free ride. I will not have my children being dole bludgers, expecting handouts or standing over other people to get what they want.
No one said it was supposed to be easy raising children - I gave her the tools but she didn't use them. She will though because I will never assuage my own guilt by giving in to her. I owe HER these lessons.
I'm not very familier with centrelink polices, but I know when I was about 16 I initially had youth allowance paid into my account. I was a bit of a brat and didn't use it appropriately so my mum called up centrelink and complained and had it put into her account instead. They didn't even consult me at all so I'm assuming it was within my mother's rights to request the change. I was living with her and doing VCE too like your child. This was only about 5 years ago. Might be worth calling them? Apologies if you have already done this.
In regards to your childrens' lack of respect for you and your finances...have you sat down and had a proper chat with them about what is and isn't affordable? Will they even give you the time of day to do this? If they are pocketing the youth allowance, they should be paying for their own books/stationary/tutoring. Can I ask...why are you paying for these things? I would putting a stop to paying for all the extras. You mention them needing "clothes and things desperately" - was it really that desperate? If so, get in touch with the local salvos and they can really help you out. Hopefully your kids will then really get the picture.
all the points are valid, but in some families simpler than others.
i have raised kids
i have been resourcedful
sought advice
done courses re boundaires etc
had counselling till overflowing.
we did alll work together till a few eyars ago and then in troubled times kids did not work together. i was the one there doing everything so i became he scape goat.
setting out rules did not stop them, nothing stopped them
they learnt they can do things like this and get away with it.
there are situations where a child can do things and parent is limited in what actions they can take.
victim can be used and overused.
also notions of respect yourself love yourself
i do that in many ways and am consicous of these concepts.
bottom line is that i've had to stay sane in insane situations and loving at self preserving in situations that have not been fair to me, and keep going when there are things that are not fair to me.
a compromise has been worked out.
maybe its fair maybe its not
either way i do resent it but am not able to do more to stop it.
its ridiculous they have the right to do this
but they do .
a person can be loving themselves respecting themselves setting boundaries, having discussions, and teens dont always come to the party and finances are not always enough to go around.
going ahead with what we can do in a very unperfect and challenging situation, focusing on the positive and doing what we can, is not a total victim picture. victim can be overused as a derogatory term.
good people setting boundaires and communicating still get abused and treated unfairly. its not like a job that you can just leave and find another one. some things we are forced to wear.
i agree that people around us can be there for us to learn things and i agree boundaires is one of them
but i have heard simplistic things for years that may work in other families but my kids have learnt they can get away with various things and they may be troubled and let it out on the person in front of them working hard for them which is me.
sometimes the best i can do is switch off and try to focus on other things and try to minimise how much it effects me when i cannot control unfair behaviour and i cannot abandon them just because they are behaving so unfairly or worse.
Last edited by sue1386; January 16th, 2010 at 03:14 AM.
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But you can & have done it alone. So, now without anger or resentment respect yourself enough to state what you will be okay with and what you will not. Work on a solution not on feeling victimised. Work on drawing you all together not on anger. 
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