yes sorry about that. it is a totally previous thread not just a previous post on this thread where we chatted re counselling and how much i did over the years and how little it changed the course of things or helped my health. my health was helped the most when they moved out!!! and i had a more humane workload
and when i get on with my life and switch off from their dramas
counselling is helpful specific and then get on with it i find. and counsellors even said that i am levelheaded and need friends not counsellors, but i use both specifically not regularly. and as i said i find getting on with my lfie helps me the most.
yes i have explored alot about not being a victim
not lettign things effect me
boundaries
i did so many courses on it
i've talked about this specific topic over and over
and yet i am manipulated tormented tortured blackmailed abused and my kids learn from my ex and from my mother and my mother contibutes to the abuse too
and as mentioned teens dont have the life experience
the timing of her birthday was such taht i've just paid so much expenses already and now suddenly it will be taken from me.
my mother supports it
we agreed on her taking half
1 year ago i had 5 kids living at home that i was supporting on some 20 000 a year
no i dont have the rights to set boundaries with children who are troubled or have been very sick in hospital and yet i still need to care for them for their sake so i do get screwed again and again and again.
this child wants money for driving lessons and also waxing ( she inherited extremely hairy genes and also a beutician siling maybe got her hooked on waxing. ) she is a good kid.
other kids were not one was on drugs one was a good kid but a money drain and had anorexia so again my hands were tied she was too sick for me to do much and if she was working and not delcairng i kept treyign to chase it up but it never happened still. her attitude now is what really disturbs me the things she said as i wrote above about now the sister wanting to take centrelink
my mothers attitude disturbs me
i am waiting for these 2 younger ones to grow up so i can move to a cheaper suburb. meanwhile i am stuck here have to pay this roof etc as someone else mentioned, and how much did i get the other day a grand total of $173 for a whole week. that wont pay for anything, not bills, not car repairs, not home repairs, not school books, not mortgage, not tuturoing or camps or clothes. its really not much money and to want to take that away when i dont ahve a husband or a thriving career is very disturbing for me.
i knew in a few years any money i get will cut out but at least let me have it till then while i work on solutions while still facing many challenges with my kids all of which is on me.
my mums attitude was the daughter will take half for expenses because my mum says that she cant give any pocket money to help her because she has to pay 30 000 for a lawyer my daughter with the baby had to hire becasue of trouble the birth father was causing.
but when my mother hired a solicitor i didnt win tattslotto, why should i be put under more pressure. and this daughter who wants the youth allowance wont always have driving lessons so why should she always have half of the youth allowance?
i dont ahve a husband or a father and they ahve learnt from tehir father and siblings nad my mother that they can get away with abusing me
cou8nsellers didnt help anything my kdis have done such incredibly complicated abusive torment to me time and time again particularly 3 years ago but even this year and my mother joined in trying to black mail me despite professional advice i had.
i've learnt i may as well wear a sign saying that i am the easiest person to abuse because i have noone to stand up for me and help stop it and so far so many abusers have gotten away with murder. they have a way of doing very very very tormenting things that are done in such a way to put me to question so that there is nowhere i can call for help and noone who realises whats really going on and those we do just stand by in horror unable to stop the behaviour of crazy troubled poeple.
Sue, hun - you are not getting it. You are the only one that can stand up for yourself.
The troubled ones are the ones that need the boundaries the most! Yes, they carry on and scream get nasty etc...but you have to stand stronger for them to learn the lesson. And reinforce the boundaries until they get it.
The rest of the world won't let them get away with it, but they can always come home and kick the crap out of you...which is apparently what is happening now and will continue to happen until YOU say NO MORE.
i did a million courses and counselling about boundaries
there is a limit to what i can do
if they live at home i will not tell them dont eat my food because you took your youth allowance
i cant kick them out when they are young
i often couldnt do anything when they were sick and yet they needed clothe3s and things desperately
it is much more complicated and i am sick of hearing people make simplistic answers.
i gave various examples before in this or other threads. those were situations where no standing up would protect the person and huge dmaage was done to all aspects of their lives permanent damage to them and their good name that they could not control or stop no matter what they tried.
but yes this is an issue that is attended to amongst a complex picture of immature unaware kids who will nto be made aware by talking and an often cruel mother of mine who doesnt back off with boundaries or reason when she finds a way to torment
yes i do stay away
still there have been ways they could hurt me and do . Anyway i ahve to give attention to other aspecats of my life right now i dnt want to keep going over and over it.
i do have to step back and care fo rmyself. they find ways still to torment me like this with the youth allowance. i can pay less but i'm still very upset that they do this and get away with it like my other kids have despite huge efforts courses counselling of mine over the years. the bottom line is one cant kick out young kids and this girl is a good girl she genuinedly has expenses such as social, health, driving lessons. i am still very upset that people would do this to me when my situation is so hard, jsut because they can get away with it.
boundaries is a topic i've often talked about with professionals but when you are dealing with some sick kids and cruel troubled people it is often differnt. oen time i did take a very very very strong legal stand and took action and my son thanked me saying it forced him into counselling that changed him, but at the same time many peole worked against me and tormented me during that time and since not understanding why i did that.
this child doesnt need that but this is still upsetting fo rme that jsut because they can get away with it they do when other kids would not dare do such a thing
there are many ways people can torment with no protection whatsover and they do.
obviously not in my family they can and do get away with it. its ridiculous that legally they can.
some of my kids worked and it was very very hard for us with what we were going throught o work and study. not everyone can cope with that especially sick children and some schools are so demanding that thats all they can do .
We were all kids once - & yes, like toddlers teenagers can be trying. However, it's tough negotiating adulthood especially when there has been a family breakdown. Life can throw hard stuff for all of us - it's how we choose to see it & deal with it that matters most...
Sue you need to make a choice. A conscious choice on what behaviour you are going to use. Right now you are a victim. To the system, the kids, money, mortgage.
Only you can change that. If your kids dom't respect you - I suspect it's because you don't respect yourself. You have to heal your relationship with yourself first.
If you are not prepared to have strong but kind boundaries - your children will not learn that boundaries are necessary. That is your job. You need to have a spreadsheet of you r incomings & outgoings, of costs involved in maintaining your home. I have done thsi with my kids to a degree (they are younger some of them)... Just to show them that money is finite - we all have to work together. When chores are done, when kindness is used for the majority of the week. We hit the icecream shop on Friday afternoon. It's something to look forward to... Even the teenageer looks forward to chatting over an icecream... Icecream may be too banal for your situation - but there will be something to draw you all together. Roast night, movie night with popcorn... Love you, look after you & try and see the beauty in each one. It may be hard to see it but each of them has beauty... It will release you from some of the negativity you are feeling perhaps.
I believe our kids are our teachers. They bring us lessons. We can choose to learn or not. It's hard work being a single mum - I understand. But you can & have done it alone. So, now without anger or resentment respect yourself enough to state what you will be okay with and what you will not. Work on a solution not on feeling victimised. Work on drawing you all together not on anger.
Don't yell or rant. Just quietly state.
I wish you luck...
Last edited by Inanna; January 15th, 2010 at 08:45 PM.
Sue, have you ever sat the kids down together and gone through the finances? Shown them exactly what's coming in and what has to go out and just how little is left over for extras. I know my own kids were genuinely shocked when I told them how much the phone calls to their grandparents in England were costing - up until then they didn't have a clue.
Families all have to pull together and I honestly believe there's not a chance of that happening when information isn't being shared.
Apologies if you've already tried this but if not then it's got to be worth a try.
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But you can & have done it alone. So, now without anger or resentment respect yourself enough to state what you will be okay with and what you will not. Work on a solution not on feeling victimised. Work on drawing you all together not on anger. 
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