Tell me about self harm (cutting) themselves

[Indadhanu]

I hid it from my parents for a long time. A LONG time. Months, months and months.

I think attention seeking is a valid reason. If someone is hurting enough inside to cause themselves physical pain and scarring, they deserve attention. They need attention. They need someone to sit down and say "Talk to me, tell me what is happening". If they struggle to use words, and this is their only solution, they need someone to help. Really, cutting is serious, ignoring it won't make it go away.

Not that you are Dianne, just was on my soap box.

Please PM if you would like to chat. I still bare the physical scars of cutting in my teenage years, and unlike most of my experiences that I have grown from, they are still very raw emotionally.

[Dansta]

self harm can be as others have said a "control" thing. or punishment. sometimes both.

for me self harm was about feeling. sounds strange. but i needed (for almost 3 years) to cut to feel. because even though i wouldnt feel the cut until the next moring (shower) i knew that the blood meant i'd feel something at some point. as for hiding it i did hide it. for almost two years, until i rolled up a sleeve and my mum saw it. her reaction "how can you do this to me" she still has no idea why i was cutting. in my mind (very depressed at the time) i was taking it out on me so no one else 'needed to stuffer' is your DS close to this girl? if he see if she'd like to come over and talk to him - and you. offer an ear, as i know for myself that speaking to any one at school meant the risk of my family finding out- something i couldnt handle as i saw my self protecting them from what was really happening. she may open up to you about it. if you just ask her about why she wants to cut her self, if shes feeling numb or depressed. if she clams up dont keep pushing if she knows some one cares it may start that ball rolling and open her up a little KWIM?

as for the "emo - thats what they do" tag its not always right. if she's 'slipped up' and your DS has seen them - then she is less likely to be emo. - rather caught out. i only ever showed my scars/cuts to people who told me they also wanted to cut - at the time my thighs where covered in cuts/scars/scabs i'd tell them that they didnt want to stand in my shoes, it wasnt worth it.

I'm happy to talk to you about it if you like, like leasha - i too still carry scars from those dark nights.
i hope you and your DS can help her

[Shades]

Someone mentioned above that it can be a way of telling people that the person is hurting when they can't seem to express it otherwise... I can attest to that one.
Also the distraction one is common...
(Incidentally I found self-harm to be almost 'catching' in a way - so many young people in difficult situations and then they see that a friend or someone else cuts and talk to them about it and the friend says it helps... so next time they feel snowed under they try it too...)

[Schmickers]

Some of the young people I've spoken too say that they cut because when the pain builds up, it feels like the only way to "let it out" the physical pain seems to grant them some emotional release.

Some young people I've spoken too say they have had so many negative things going on in their lives that they withdraw, and end up divorced from their feelings, from the outside world - cutting, and the pain associated with it, are ways to bring them back to that world.

[Fleur]

Some of the young people I've spoken too say that they cut because when the pain builds up, it feels like the only way to "let it out" the physical pain seems to grant them some emotional release.

That is exactly how it was for me. I kept it covered, wore a jacket to cover my wrists or cut my shoulders or thighs. I had one friend who knew.

Have only skimmed the replies, so not sure if anyone has suggested the school counsellor already, but it might be an idea for your son to talk to someone for his friend's sake, but also for his own - it's a heavy load to carry on your own

[Caramello]

The other way I have seen students hide it is to have lots of bracelets on the arm that they use to cut. I had a girl who was severely depressed in my class - she was going through counselling and DOCS had been notified - but I would know she was having a particularly bad time when the bracelets/scarfs would appear on her lower arm.

[diannescruffy]

I spoke to DS last night about talking to someone at school. He straight out said no because she wouldn't trust him anymore. So I suggested he could tell her she can talk to me, so we'll see what happens. Thank you all so much for your responses.

Regards,
Dianne

[BrightSparkles]

I guess a way to put it to him is
would you rather her lose trust in you for a while and her get the help she needs (and maybe prevent the cutting progressing to another stage) or to let it progress and she not be around at all?

[Muffy]

Some of the young people I've spoken too say that they cut because when the pain builds up, it feels like the only way to "let it out" the physical pain seems to grant them some emotional release.

Thats exactly how i felt.
And believe me, if someone wants to hide it they can.. its not that hard.
i used to wear long tops all the time but if they were only on my wrist i would wear alot of bracelets.
Ive got scars from my wrist to my elbow, and i hate wen people ask how i got them. clearly its none of your business.. i wouldnt ask you how you got fat would i?
But they are fading now which is great.

ummm sorry back to the original question...
Yep its a shame but some girls DO do it for attention.. they are the ones who are more likely to make a point of doing it and showing people.

[diannescruffy]

I would just like to thank you for sharing your personal stories, it has helped me have an understanding.

Regards,
Dianne

[Glamourcide]

Wow, Dianne, you're such a special lady. You care so deeply for so many people, it really makes me want to just reach through my computer and give you a big, squooshy hug for being such an awesome person!

I think, for now, the best course of action for your DS is to provide him with references to organisations where this girl can get help if she wants it, and get him to pass on the info, but let her make her own decision. As Dansta and others have said, it's usually a situation where the person who is self-harming is not trying to take his/her life, but it's a coping mechanism for any number of things - ranging from very serious things like abuse or big problems at home, to 'teen angst' and not being able to use more 'appropriate' methods of dealing with raging hormones and the usual teen dramas.

I'm 24 and still self-harm on occasions, when things 'get too much' and I can't cry any more. Having been raised by a mother who uses tears as manipulation, I don't like to 'let it out' in that way, and prefer to go off on my own, bleed a bit to release the pent-up feelings, and get on with things. The scabs are a comforting reminder in the days afterwards that yes, I am human, alive, I am still here and dealing. Sometimes I feel like if I don't break skin to get it all out, I'll just explode. Burst. Something is going to break. Better to have a few superficial wounds that will heal with time, than to have that brick sitting on my chest and squeezing the breath out of me with every passing second...

The best thing your DS can do for his friend is to be a shoulder to cry on, a confidante, who can give her avenues to professional help if she chooses to take it, and if not, then she knows she has a trusted friend who will not betray her. Chances are it will not be too much of a burden for him - most genuine SHers are quite uncomfortable about sharing it with anybody and she may well avoid the topic entirely, but rest assured that he is there should she ever truly need him and will not worry that he will go narc her out. That being said, if she does become overly reliant on him for working through her issues, your DS will need to explain that to her and try to help her seek appropriate help, kwim?

Self-harm has nothing to do with being 'emo' (although, granted, a lot of kids who are having issues and are susceptible to self-harm are attracted to the 'scene', but 'emo' does not automatically equal self-harm, just as there are so many kids out there who are not in any particular scene or subculture who are dealing with their own private pain), it is quite common amongst a lot of teenagers who are doing it for any number of reasons. Some kids are better at coping with whatever they're going through, some are doing it because they consider their lives to be 'boring' and are seeking attention or the 'cool' factor, some kids really do need help to overcome the self-harming while for others, it's a way of dealing with things that suits them and helps them through. Most grow out of it in their own time and nobody is any the wiser.

I wish your son and his friend all the best, I do hope that she gets whatever help she needs with this and whatever other issues she is facing... and again, good on you for caring so deeply about your DS and his friend. I hope it all goes well.