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LOL Ray, funny! Single parenting is hard even with the most co-operative relationship between parents. It isn't uncommon for many of us to have difficulties with our XPs, so feel free to start a new thread with your own story if you would like to share.
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Good luck, i hope everything gets sorted soon
Last edited by Blixie; November 19th, 2009 at 03:15 PM.
I have to say Jessey that your comment sounded very harsh to me.
Breastfeeding is more than nutrition. A breastfed child is that. Breastfed. I dont really understand the necessity of overnights at the detriment to the breastfeeding bond of mother and child.
I think it's important to remember there are feelings & emotions that go along with breastfeeding. For both mother and child.
However, remembering also that divorce is difficult. The best interests of a child I would think is to have his or her life remain as "usual" as possible. Abruptly ceasing breastfeeding or indeed trying to coax an under 2 to have a bottle rather than a breastfeed would be difficult for the child. I think it would be difficult to argue that ceasing breastfeeding or beginning to bottle feed to facilitate an overnight visit by another parent may not be in the best interests of a child. Not to mention the Mama.
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I recognise that you have a valid point/opinion Inanna but what about the effect of not having her father in her life. To me this would be more detrimental, after having her daddy there from the beginning, than not being BF for 1 night a week!
That's so true Tiffany you are absolutely right! But this Dad lives in another state - there are lotsof hours in a day and a week where access is possible and can be negotiated. Not having a child overnight does not mean that that child cannot have a relationship with their father! I know from my own personal experience had I weaned my babies because their father decided he didn't want to be married and wanted overnight access - well they would have been distraught! They all fed frequently one until she was 3.
When marriage breaks down and there are children involved we need to think of the kids. What is going to make them feel the safest?
Usually this is having the familiar care provider to look after them - and access to their other parent. In the case of a breastfeeding child it would be very difficult to argue that it is better for them to not breastfeed so their father can have them overnight. For example my daughter at 2 fed frequently throughout the night. Had I been in this situation I would have fought strongly for the right for my child to breastfeed as she always had.
I think it's easy to get emotive and reactive and talkof the rights of parents. But let's look first at the rights of children. If a parent lives interstate and travels overseas then perhaps this child is accustomed to the absence of her father. Perhaps not used to the absence of her mother? I do not know of course - it's conjecture.
However, again, what is the best for a child is what needs to be thought of first. When parents cabnnot agree on that. The Courts will. Unfortunately when that happens it costs much in the form of money, respect and goodwill... (often)
Last edited by Inanna; November 18th, 2009 at 11:33 AM.
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Hi again all. Thanks for all the replies, advice and encouragement.
To reply to a few questions I've read here, the reason I moved to Hobart was for work. I had been out of work for 2 months and there were no jobs available in Melbourne. One of my friends offered me a job in Hobart and I consulted the ex (wife at the time) and she actually insisted that I go as she was worried that there would be no money coming in.
With regards to the breastfeeding, by ex said in mediation that she only breastfeeds once per day - when Alicia goes to bed and that it was only for comfort. The mediator suggested that she slowly wean Alicia off being breastfed by the time she turns 2 as there are other ways you can comfort a 2 year old. This is the reason my ex thought that the mediator was biased against her as she didn't like 'putting a time limit on it'.
Of course, now the ex has changed her tune and she now states Alicia is breastfed twice during the day, at bedtime, all throughout the night, etc. Unfortunately I can't raise this as it was mentioned during mediation and thus isn't admissible in court.
- CFlake
Lucy in the sky with diamonds.
Ermmm, I BF'd DD till she was 3 and her dad took her overnight fairly regularly, sometimes for 2 nights. Other times I had to work at night so I couldn't give her a bedtime feed (this was from the age of about 18mo I think) and it didn't bother her at all.
However the first thing she would say when she saw me was BOOBIES!
But that's just me and her I suppose.
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Sorry, but I have to respond to that comment.
Bfing toddlers may feed once a day or many times a day. It can change from one month to another. I don't know how often your DD bfs and neither do you, atm. Toddlers are meant to bf and they do not need a 'time limit' on when they should stop. If a mediator had tried to say that to DP and I when we were planning on splitting up, neither of us would have stood for it. And 'friends' would not necessarily know how many times you are bfing a toddler.
Again, bfing is certainly putting less of a strain on access to your DD than living interstate is. Although it's only temporary, the fact is, you chose to work interstate away from your DD. When you are living closer you will have much more access to your DD and perhaps you and your XW can come to a better custody arrangement, bfing or no. It would be silly to plan an attack focused around this point as you really don't know how much of an issue it will be in three or six months time. She may or may not be still bfing, but you'll still have to sort out what works best for all of you.
And I say this with the utmost respect, but why the need to 'Hang Strong Dads'? I think all single and separated parents, male or female, need support and assistance to be able to raise their children as well as they can. This is not an 'us' vs 'them' thread and the Dad in question has had plenty of positive comments from Mums as well. I respect there is a Dad here wanting to spend more time with his DD and looking for advice on how to do that, not for an argument on why men in particular need to 'hang strong'.
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to you and to your XW as you try to work through this difficult situation. I imagine that emotions are running high, particularly since your beautiful DD is so young.
I too would think that moving interstate is more harmful to seeing your child often and spending the maximum possible time with her than her mother's bfing relationship with her. So I don't really think her continued bfing is really the main issue. Where would you have her overnight anyway if your residence is in Hobart and you're visiting in Vic? A hotel for the night is hardly ideal! And you can't really take such a small child away from her main carer for days/weeks at a time interstate.
It's illegal in NSW to have a baby seat in the front seat of a car. The law has also changed here so that children up to the age of seven (I think) now need to be in an approved child seat. I imagine the law is similar in Vic, and even if it isn't, commonsense would tell you that it is at least safer that way. So it wouldn't just be her 'refusal' to take your child in a ute, to do so would be downright dangerous and probably break the law.I hired a car with an approved car seat as my other car in Melbourne is a ute and she refuses to let me take her in a ute).
You both need to work together to figure out a compromise that works best for both of you and it hardly sounds like you're on good terms right now. I really hope you can both come to a place where you can work out what is best for your DD together, rather than fighting about $$ and hours.
This must be a really difficult situation to be dealing with. I wish you all the best.
Last edited by Jennifer13; November 19th, 2009 at 08:55 AM.
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Hi Jennifer. I stay at a friends place which is 15 minutes drive from my place when I'm in Melbourne. My friend is a separated dad as well and has 3 kids (3, 5, 7) and all the required gear, including high chair and a spare room for Alicia.
I've checked and it's not against the law if there are only 2 seats in the car (eg. convertible, ute, sports car), but the air bag on the passenger side (if fitted) needs to be disabled.
Hi Kirsty Lee, The ex is actually offering 4 hours per week, not per day. (probably a typo, but I just thought I'd clarify).
As an aside, my lawyer has recently been sent court documents (we're going to court on the 21st of December) and she has requested $1300/month in spousal support, on top of the child support.
Finally, thanks for all the replies and discussion so far. I do plan on returning to Melbourne at the end of February at the latest and possibly earlier. Any issues regarding access because I'm not in Melbourne will obviously disappear. We have already agreed that I will move back into the house once everything is settled, so I should be well setup to care for my daughter.
Also to answer some of the questions, I have engaged a lawyer specialising in family law and have been given professional legal advice.
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Hi there CFlake,
I won't comment on a lot of your situation because it sounds like a very difficult one - sadly, if you are unable to come to a mutually agreeable compromise, I think it is best dealt with through the family court system. It sounds as if you are very devoted to your daughter, and I hope things work out for you. I would be devastated if for some reason I was unable to have close contact with my children.
There are a couple of things I will comment on, though, and I will address this to both you, and Jessey, who also posted:
This is really bad for maintaining supply. Expressing milk and feeding expressed milk is recommended for short periods of time - say, for one or two missed feeds - not for overnight stays or longer. Expressing milk simply does not do the same job of stimulating milk production to continue that feeding normally does. Anyone here who has been unfortunate enough to have to express long term will attest to how very difficult it is to maintain supply.
There are lots of really good reasons to breastfeed an 18 month old. It's very beneficial to their emotional development - it helps maintain their sense of security and their emotional wellbeing, and this is doubly important during the emotional upheaval of a separation. It's also good for their health - it is the most hypoallergenic, nutritious food that you can give a baby or toddler. I mean, look at all of those advertisments for the various toddler formulas which emphasise us how important it is to support the toddler's immune system to the age of 3 - breast milk does this job, and does it far more effectively than toddler milks. The WHO does recommend that children are breastfed until at least 2 years of age.
While I can sympathise with the emotional difficulties you are having at this time, I think you need to think about what is best for your daughter; and at this stage, breastfeeding is very important. I don't think you would be acting in her best interests if you put her in a situation where that might be taken away from her.
Secondly, as someone else has pointed out, you say you have initiated the separation, and you have moved to Hobart temporarily. I wonder whether this might be an important time to be as close to your daughter as possible, so that you can make the most of the limited time you have available to you with her? Perhaps it might be wise to consider your living arrangements to provide the two of you with the best possible chance to maintain your father-daughter bond.
I hope things all work out for you.
I hear what you are saying Dad...
I think you mean the "let down" Dad.
I think you are being selective with your information Dad - the case for breastmilk being the best option for children is really indisputable. I am a health professional & I have never in my time come across a professional who can disclaim this!
I can tell you my experience with a 2 & 3 year old that breastfed... I couldn't express anything! I can especially appreciate the difficulty to try and express coupled with the extreme stress and anxiety that one typically experiences during relationship break down.
I think it is totally unreasonable to expect a child to cease breastfeeding to facilitate overnight visits. Anyone can bottlefeed a baby but not so with breastfeeding. There is a bond, an emotional, physical and dare I say Spiritual bond that develops in the breastfeeding relationship.
The time for breastfeeding is short comparative to life expectancy. If a child has always breastfed changing that for the convenience of another parent I think is not optimal.
I'm sorry to hear that, CFlake!
It seems that custody issues often wreak havoc to divorced couples. Oftentimes, there is one parent who will get the custody and the other with visitation rights. But unfortunately, there are some custodial parents who deny the right of the other parent to see the child or children.
In your case, I think it would be better to seek legal service since she's already find her attorney. The court will, otherwise, decide for the best interest of Allicia. However, you can also ask your ex to settle proper parenting plans to work things out. the parenting plan should draft the timescale as to when parents have access to the children.
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Thanks for clarifying, CFlake. You are right about the car thing, I do remember it is different for two-seater cars. It isn't ideal from a safety perspective, however, I guess you do the best you can.
GL with your plans to get back to Melbourne and sorting out all the custody issues with your XW. I hope things have settled down a bit by then between the two of you and you are able to come to something you can both feel comfortable with. I'm glad you are getting good legal help.
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