A bad situation..

[kirsty_lee]

I am just saying from the orignal poster, from what I have heard I agree with him 100%

[Amity]

Separation is difficult for everyone, including the child. Nobody here knows the entire story - there are always different perspectives. Each individual case has issues which are particular to that case.

Cflake needs independent, professional legal advice. That advice can address all the issues particular to his case. Those include distance, age of child, breastfeeding, attachment issues, and many other issues which are not specifically addressed in Cflake's initial post.

Cflake does not appear to have been back to check in, so perhaps we might listen to what he has to say about the support that he has received in this thread.

[helle]

but my focus is to support the good parent doing the right thing, this dad is doing the right thing and having to endure the crap from a system and mother that is not doing the right thing in my opinion

There is always three sides to every story...

I don't think it's fair to flame the mother, I'm not saying CFlakes is a liar either but I don't think we have all the relevant info to start pointing fingers and saying who the better parent is. CFlakes has asked for advice, not a verbal bashing on what sort of parent the mother of his child is.

[Inanna]

Again Dad2Boys let's ease away from the generalisations. Each situation is different. It is not fair nor is it accurate to say "mothers get away with murder in these matters and fathers have to fight for their rights"... Comments such as this are inflammatory and cannot do anything but create ill feeling.

For every father that believes that women "get away with murder" there is a Mother that believe/feel they have been wronged by a man.

I don't think anyone ever goes to Court as a first choice. Remembering that seeking legal counsel is very different to going to Court. I think it is reckless to think a lay person can navigate the legalaties of separation without a Family Law Specialist. Most individuals work hard to keep a case out of Court. When through Solicitors individuals cannot reach an agreement that is suitable - there is no choice but Court. It is sad that you and your partner could not reach a solution together. It is a costly exercise: financially & emotionally - I am sure your partner and yourself have suffered much through the experience.

I think again the division - or judgement that you decide who is a "good" parent needs to be let go. For every "good" parent out there - I am sure there are times when that parent fails some. None of us a "good" all of the time.

"Good" is such a judgement. I think ALL parents need support - I actually believe that those that are in a place where there are areas that could improve need the most support.

Again ALL parents need support. Judging is a very dangerous occupation. For it is my experience that we all fail miserably at times. Humbleness is a virtue that slaps us in the face when we use judgement!

Again good luck with your healing.

[CFlake]

Where would you have her overnight anyway if your residence is in Hobart and you're visiting in Vic? A hotel for the night is hardly ideal! And you can't really take such a small child away from her main carer for days/weeks at a time interstate.

Hi Jennifer. I stay at a friends place which is 15 minutes drive from my place when I'm in Melbourne. My friend is a separated dad as well and has 3 kids (3, 5, 7) and all the required gear, including high chair and a spare room for Alicia.

It's illegal in NSW to have a baby seat in the front seat of a car. The law has also changed here so that children up to the age of seven (I think) now need to be in an approved child seat. I imagine the law is similar in Vic, and even if it isn't, commonsense would tell you that it is at least safer that way. So it wouldn't just be her 'refusal' to take your child in a ute, to do so would be downright dangerous and probably break the law.

I've checked and it's not against the law if there are only 2 seats in the car (eg. convertible, ute, sports car), but the air bag on the passenger side (if fitted) needs to be disabled.

I know im going to be unpopular for this, but I think 4 hours a day is crap. This is a man who WANTS desperately WANTS to see his child. Yet we complain when they DON'T want to see their children and spend anytime with them? hrmmm

Hi Kirsty Lee, The ex is actually offering 4 hours per week, not per day. (probably a typo, but I just thought I'd clarify).

She is getting MORE than enough. I dont' care whether she's got the child 100% of the time or not sounds like she's doing it for the money. Paying all the bills and mortgage should be enough not the child support on top of it, im sorry but that is supporting your child, by paying the bills and mortgage.

As an aside, my lawyer has recently been sent court documents (we're going to court on the 21st of December) and she has requested $1300/month in spousal support, on top of the child support.

Finally, thanks for all the replies and discussion so far. I do plan on returning to Melbourne at the end of February at the latest and possibly earlier. Any issues regarding access because I'm not in Melbourne will obviously disappear. We have already agreed that I will move back into the house once everything is settled, so I should be well setup to care for my daughter.

Also to answer some of the questions, I have engaged a lawyer specialising in family law and have been given professional legal advice.

[Amity]

Dad2Boys, making generalist gender-specific comments about who gets away with what, in a Family Law context, does not assist anyone. Making comments like "mothers get away with murder" is factually incorrect. In the last 10 years, there have been far more cases in the Family Law system where the fathers have murdered the children. I see both sides of each case, and "who gets away with it" is not gender-specific. Each case is completely individual and depends on the particular circumstances. What happened in your case is different from what happens in other cases. I hope you can take the time and energy (and professional help if required) to deal with your very raw emotions and move on from your case.

Cflake, I'm glad you have a Court date and are obtaining independent advice. It's a very difficult situation - remember to take time out for yourself and keep up your emotional and physical health during this time. All the best for 21 December.

[Inanna]

Thanks CFlake for clarifying. I too am happy to hear you have a date sorted and that you have good legal advice. It sounds like you are going through all the right channels. I hope the outcome is one that the three of you can live with and adjust to.

Kristy-Lee I didn't realise what you posted with regard to payments. When a relationship breaks down it is not just a simple matter of walking out and leaving the other party with the bills. When there is a mortgage that was undertaken on the wage of one partner, car payments, other debts, school fees, medical bills etc it is not fair nor is it reasonable to expect that the parent that is left in the house just has to make ends meet.

That is why there is spousal maintenance. If a party walks away and leaves the home, kids and partner it is often not possible for that party to meet bills on centrelink payments. This is where spousal maintnenace comes into play. It is granted I believe most commonly when a woman has been a stay at home parent and is then left with all of the bills to manage. It is an interim order that usually is only paid until there is a settlement of the financial aspects of the marriage.

If a couple have a mortgage of $500 per week, car payments of $100 per week, school fees of $300 per week etc etc (plucking figures from the air) - quite clearly parenting payment and FTBA and B will not cover this. Houses take time to sell - settlements take time to reach. Child support is a separate issue. Child support is just that - payment to support the children. To cover food, clothing, schooling, sport, medical fees etc etc etc.

You are clouding the issue to suggest that if a party pays child support that's it. Both parties have a responsibility to the costs involved with the marriage.

[berna]

I'm sorry to hear that, CFlake!


It seems that custody issues often wreak havoc to divorced couples. Oftentimes, there is one parent who will get the custody and the other with visitation rights. But unfortunately, there are some custodial parents who deny the right of the other parent to see the child or children.

In your case, I think it would be better to seek legal service since she's already find her attorney. The court will, otherwise, decide for the best interest of Allicia. However, you can also ask your ex to settle proper parenting plans to work things out. the parenting plan should draft the timescale as to when parents have access to the children.

[Jennifer13]

Thanks for clarifying, CFlake. You are right about the car thing, I do remember it is different for two-seater cars. It isn't ideal from a safety perspective, however, I guess you do the best you can.

GL with your plans to get back to Melbourne and sorting out all the custody issues with your XW. I hope things have settled down a bit by then between the two of you and you are able to come to something you can both feel comfortable with. I'm glad you are getting good legal help.