A bad situation..

[CFlake]

Hi again all. Thanks for all the replies, advice and encouragement.

To reply to a few questions I've read here, the reason I moved to Hobart was for work. I had been out of work for 2 months and there were no jobs available in Melbourne. One of my friends offered me a job in Hobart and I consulted the ex (wife at the time) and she actually insisted that I go as she was worried that there would be no money coming in.

With regards to the breastfeeding, by ex said in mediation that she only breastfeeds once per day - when Alicia goes to bed and that it was only for comfort. The mediator suggested that she slowly wean Alicia off being breastfed by the time she turns 2 as there are other ways you can comfort a 2 year old. This is the reason my ex thought that the mediator was biased against her as she didn't like 'putting a time limit on it'.

Of course, now the ex has changed her tune and she now states Alicia is breastfed twice during the day, at bedtime, all throughout the night, etc. Unfortunately I can't raise this as it was mentioned during mediation and thus isn't admissible in court.

- CFlake

[Lulu]

Ermmm, I BF'd DD till she was 3 and her dad took her overnight fairly regularly, sometimes for 2 nights. Other times I had to work at night so I couldn't give her a bedtime feed (this was from the age of about 18mo I think) and it didn't bother her at all.

However the first thing she would say when she saw me was BOOBIES!

But that's just me and her I suppose.

[Blixie]

Ok i'm sorry if it sounded harsh i'm not even going to say anymore....

[Traveller]

I have to say as a breastfeeding mother I would be outraged if anyone suggested I should wean my children for any reason other than that the child wanted to wean. Breastfeeding is more than just a source of nutrician, and the WHO recommend that children have access to breastmilk for at least 2 years, and beyond. Sadly expressing is neither easy nor achievable for many women, so if your daughter still needs breastmilk at night the best thing for her is to be with her mum overnight. Children of this age often change from feeding only one per day to feeding several times per 24hours depending on teething, etc. Your ex may be telling the truth here.

That said I do not see why 4 hours a day is your limit for access to your daughter. Most children who BF frequently at the age she is could miss a feed or two during the day, and make the most of using BFing as a settling tool at night. It sounds like she is being unreasonable in her access demands. I hope you get a good lawyer to help you but TBH I suspect the courts will be more likely to go in your favour if you show that you respect your daughter's need for breastmilk and make no demands on a timescale for this to stop, as this should be your daughter's decision alone.

[Schmickers]

I agree. I think for your daughters best interests it would be reasonable, at least in the short term, to maximise your time during daylight hours with her, so that you don't disrupt her feeding and settling at night.

[Lulu]

I don't think anyone is suggesting weaning - it wouldn't be necessary anyway.
What about the childs relationship with her father - wouldn't they need a little more time by this stage?

[AliBaby]

I don't think anyone is suggesting weaning - it wouldn't be necessary anyway.
What about the childs relationship with her father - wouldn't they need a little more time by this stage?

Completely agree with this.

Do you have accommodation near where your ex wife lives that is suitable for your daughter to stay overnight? ie. parents house that could be set up as a suitable childrens room. You need to think about having a set up for her like a suitable cot/bed for an 18mth old and all the bits and bobs. This would work in your favour at the courts to show that you are well prepared and understand the needs of your child.

[Inanna]

I too think it is absolutely necessary for a relationship to be nutured and fostered with Dad too... If a child feeds frequently overnight staying overnight may not be the best for the child. As I saif previously my experience with my first child was that she couldn't be left overnight - she fed throughout. Each child is different though.

As I said there are lots of hours in a day that a child can spend with their parent that doesn't require overnight visits (to facilitate a night feeder). I too don't really understand the 4 hourly thing during the day. My child was fine without BB during the day if I wasn't about. Night time wasn't the same! Again, each child is different.

I think it is good advice that you set up house nearby with some toys, maybe a highchair etc etc so that your little girl has a feeling of home. If she co sleeps with her mother it might be pretty rough overnight without the boobies... If she co sleeps with her mum then she prbably won't need her own bed or cot.

I would suggest you get advice &/or ask for more time during the day...

[Jennifer13]

to you and to your XW as you try to work through this difficult situation. I imagine that emotions are running high, particularly since your beautiful DD is so young.

I too would think that moving interstate is more harmful to seeing your child often and spending the maximum possible time with her than her mother's bfing relationship with her. So I don't really think her continued bfing is really the main issue. Where would you have her overnight anyway if your residence is in Hobart and you're visiting in Vic? A hotel for the night is hardly ideal! And you can't really take such a small child away from her main carer for days/weeks at a time interstate.

I hired a car with an approved car seat as my other car in Melbourne is a ute and she refuses to let me take her in a ute).

It's illegal in NSW to have a baby seat in the front seat of a car. The law has also changed here so that children up to the age of seven (I think) now need to be in an approved child seat. I imagine the law is similar in Vic, and even if it isn't, commonsense would tell you that it is at least safer that way. So it wouldn't just be her 'refusal' to take your child in a ute, to do so would be downright dangerous and probably break the law.

You both need to work together to figure out a compromise that works best for both of you and it hardly sounds like you're on good terms right now. I really hope you can both come to a place where you can work out what is best for your DD together, rather than fighting about $$ and hours.

This must be a really difficult situation to be dealing with. I wish you all the best.

[Jennifer13]

Sorry, but I have to respond to that comment.

Bfing toddlers may feed once a day or many times a day. It can change from one month to another. I don't know how often your DD bfs and neither do you, atm. Toddlers are meant to bf and they do not need a 'time limit' on when they should stop. If a mediator had tried to say that to DP and I when we were planning on splitting up, neither of us would have stood for it. And 'friends' would not necessarily know how many times you are bfing a toddler.

Again, bfing is certainly putting less of a strain on access to your DD than living interstate is. Although it's only temporary, the fact is, you chose to work interstate away from your DD. When you are living closer you will have much more access to your DD and perhaps you and your XW can come to a better custody arrangement, bfing or no. It would be silly to plan an attack focused around this point as you really don't know how much of an issue it will be in three or six months time. She may or may not be still bfing, but you'll still have to sort out what works best for all of you.

And I say this with the utmost respect, but why the need to 'Hang Strong Dads'? I think all single and separated parents, male or female, need support and assistance to be able to raise their children as well as they can. This is not an 'us' vs 'them' thread and the Dad in question has had plenty of positive comments from Mums as well. I respect there is a Dad here wanting to spend more time with his DD and looking for advice on how to do that, not for an argument on why men in particular need to 'hang strong'.

[Lulu]

Gawd, it really seems like it's you making the us V them - if anyone here were man haters (pfft) why bother giving SUPPORT?

[Junglemum]

To those mothers who dont like my writing and support of a dads rights - get stuffed

If you want people to take you seriously, perhaps you should re-think such childish comments. Smile or no smile i don't find that necessary. It is also important to remember there are always two sides to a story.

[Nelle]

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[Inanna]

Wow Dad2Boys...

I know personally I value the role of a positive father role model in children's lives. Having a positive father "experience" is vital for the healthy psychological and psychosocial development of children.
I actually think it may be erroneous to only support who you judge to be the "good parent" "doing the right thing"... All parents need support. All parents behave in ways that are not always optimal. All parents.

I also agree that "it is obvious that this mother is lying"... I don't see that is obvious. What I see is a relationship breakdown and the opinion of the father is that the mother is breastfeeding his daughter merely to make it difficult for him to have over night access. It would be foolish to say that this never happens. It could be happening in this situation. However, much is being made of the breastfeeding issue. When to me personally the fact that he lives across Bass Strait would surely be more of a problem. I think it would be possible that many Mothers would not cease to feed overnight to accomodate a Father that lives interstate... I would be one of those Mothers.

I don't subscribe to the good and bad parent scenario. That to me causes a great divide. For it has been my experience and observation that we all have positives and negatives - & thus we all deserve the support.

When you reply to "get stuffed" to those who perhaps disagree or challenge your viewpoints I don't understand how that is supportive to anyone?

I love men! I personally have some beautiful Souls that are men in my life - and I hope one day to meet another one to share my life... I don't hate men. But what happened to me showed me just what can happen to your average Jo Blow when a marriage ends.

I need you to hear Dad2Boys that not all women hate men. Not all men are misogynists either. We all have our story and our journey.

Now I hope you hear that this isn't about men or women or men versus women. This is individual situations.

The OP has a lawyer which is great. There is no way known I would trust anything as precious as the outcome of a divorce to my own limited knowledge of law. Just as I wouldn't trust amputating my own finger or taking out my childs tonsils...

I wish you peace Dad2Boys as it sounds from your posts that you are still rather raw. Maybe you can say Hang Strong Parents - because generally parenting does not have the support that such a Sacred role deserves. Namaste

[AliBaby]

I think we need to get back to cflakes opening post and offer any support and advice which many members are doing. I think some things were just taken out of context and there is alot of emotion involved for a lot of people. for everyone.

Every situation is different but in this thread lets just look at cflake's.

Cflake- You do need to hang in there and you do need to keep the best interests of your child in heart. Lots of people will have different opinions on what that is as many come from different situations.

I honestly believe that the most important thing that a child needs apart from being fed, cleaned, clothed and be in a safe and loving environment, is as many people as possible that care and love them (the more the better I say)! Your daughter seems to have two parents who both do that which is fantastic. I hope this all ends well and you can both come to an amicable agreement.

From a mums point of view I would hate to be away from my daughter for even a few hours let alone a night so I can understand your wife not wanting to part with your daughter but she does need to stay rational and be reasonable. Her demands onf money and only allowing 4 hours is ridiculously unfair. You are your DD's Dad and are equally her parent. From my esperience, I honestly think that the younger a child starts splitting them time between divorced parents the easier the transition is as it becomes something that is just 'life' to them. (My parents divorced when I was one and I have always known my life up until I was 16 of going to Dads every second weekend). I could keep telling you about my own situation as my parents had messy court battles but what they always did was keep our best interests at heart.

If you do have to speak to your ex at all, I would suggest you try and be as calm as possible, as you dont want to give her any ammunition at all against you having joint custody and just write down an action plan of what you would like in regards to access, how you are going to make it feasable and how it is in the best interests of your child.

Hope that has been in someway helpful.

[kirsty_lee]

I wasn't going to respond, but I have to. Firstly, from reading all the posts here, and I am trying to word this correctly so im not stepping on toes, or knowing my luck getting into trouble. But, i am completely on his side. ( the original poster) I am sorry but when a man doesn't step up and take responsibility for his children, women go nuts and the father is an ********. But yet women aren't happy when they are doing stuff so how do they win? Would any of you settle for seeing your child for only 4 hours? and for one second leave breastfeeding out of it, would you be satisfied with that time with your child? If the roles were reversed and again, leaving the breastfeeding out of it, the man had the child and was doing everything that she is doing there would be like 6 pages of replys about what a jerk he was. She is getting MORE than enough. I dont' care whether she's got the child 100% of the time or not sounds like she's doing it for the money. Paying all the bills and mortgage should be enough not the child support on top of it, im sorry but that is supporting your child, by paying the bills and mortgage. I know im going to be unpopular for this, but I think 4 hours a day is crap. This is a man who WANTS desperately WANTS to see his child. Yet we complain when they DON'T want to see their children and spend anytime with them? hrmmm

[Amity]

As many here are aware, I work in this area, and I would definitely ask everyone to think twice about posting too much personal information on the Internet, particularly when there is the potential for Court proceedings. I have seen printouts of Internet sites used against clients in Court, whereby their "attitude" towards the other parent is not positive. This has been significantly detrimental to the outcome sought by the client.

Cflake - again, please go and see a lawyer, if you haven't already. If mediation is not going ahead, seek advice about issuing Court proceedings. There are many issues that come into play when a Court determines what amount of time a child should spend with each parent, and your circumstances are unique to your individual case.

It is extremely difficult to give out all the relevant details about appropriate living arrangements for child(ren) of any age, particularly on the Internet. Again, caution is necessary, as there are always issues that may not be directly addressed.

Good luck Cflake, I hope that you are able to discuss this issue with your XP without too much acrimony and come to an agreement which you can both live with. Not necessarily one that you both like, but one you can both live with. Best wishes.

[Inanna]

Wow Kristy how could you be on anyones "side" when you only know one version of the story??? I am not sure how anyone could possibly side with one person or another without knowing both versions of truth. It is that very thing that causes friction and dysfunction...

Alibaby is correct the OP asked for some direction, perspective and advice.

Breastfeeding has from some peoples perspective quite a bit to do with it - & from the OP this is an issue... I think that what we are aiming to see here is not "sides" but support and direction in a difficult and painful situation.