Brand new single parent

Connie · February 4th, 2008, 07:08 AM

Be proud of yourself for protecting yourself and your daughter. It is NEVER your fault.

Your local community health centre should have a domestic violence counsellor that you'll be able to see.

I'm glad your parents are there for you.

Take care

**Amie** · February 4th, 2008, 09:09 AM

(and then some) to you BabySocks.

You have just made one of the most life-changing decisions for both you and your daughter. I know it seems raw and difficult and sad right now, but you have just given yourself and your precious girl the most amazing gift - empowerment.

Of course she's too little to realise it now but it means that her life began with a proud, strong mother and she'll have a better life because of it. As of course will you.

Just remember this feeling, because I wouldn't be surprised if in a month or two Ex-DP comes knocking and tells you how much he's "changed", and you'll need to be strong enough to stand by your decision. Obviously, people can genuinely change, but I think he'd need to do ALOT of hard, soul-searching work to earn back your trust and a few months probably wouldn't cut it.

Well done xox

PS: on a practical note, as the others have said, take photos of your wound and report it to the police if you feel you can. I hope this isn't the case but you might need proof in the future in case of custody issues, etc.

**Neenee Jellybeanie** · February 4th, 2008, 07:44 PM

Thanks, everyone. I pressed charges today. I'm half regretting it but I know i've done the right thing. Instead of feeling powerful because of it, I feel powerless because now there's officially no turning back. But then I look at myself in the mirror (puffy face and two black eyes) and I remember there was no going back even before this.
Thanks for your support <33

**Spring Angel** · February 4th, 2008, 07:48 PM

You sure have made the decision. That took courage and strength so you should be very proud of yourself.

lv Spring

**Muppity** · February 5th, 2008, 06:39 AM

Stick to your guns BabySocks.

Very glad to hear that you are getting the support that you need.

**Lilly-Pilly** · February 5th, 2008, 07:18 AM

Baby Socks, congratulations to you on being so brave through out all this and doing the right thing by you and your daughter. You are a very strong person and should feel proud of yourself.

We're all here to support you through this, and if you need any help with anything let me know, there are lots of places you can get some extra help if needed.

paradise lost · February 5th, 2008, 07:35 AM

Baby socks i'm GLAD you're here. The alternative doesn't bear thinking about. Better to be a single mum than an abused one. It is hard to make the decision to leave an abusive partner and even harder to stick to that decision, but you may well have saved your and your DD's lives by making this decision.
You are so amazing hun.

Giant loves and

Bx

**Amity** · February 5th, 2008, 12:37 PM

Good on you. You ought to be able to get an AVO on him now too if you haven't already.

Well done.

**Je$$_84** · February 5th, 2008, 05:10 PM

babysocks- just like to say that i think your a fantastic person for having the courage to stand up for yourself and recognise when something wasnt right. You should be proud of yourself for not putting up with it. Big Hugs and wish you and bubs a happy and safe future.

You've done the right thing by your bubs and by yourself. It may be a difficult time but i'm sure you'll get through it and be much better off in the long term.

Wish you good luck for thr future and again good on you hun...

**Lulu** · February 5th, 2008, 05:16 PM

Well done - excellent!!

It's the icky time now - all the good stuff is on it's way to you. I promise!!

**tiggerandpooh** · February 5th, 2008, 07:03 PM

BAby socks, I'm so proud of you. its the first step to taking back your power, its the first step in standing up for yourself, looking after you, saying NO I will NOT be abused. Well done hun. Its overwhelming and scary but you can do it... your an amazing woman, who has an amazing journey ahead of her as she as she watches her beautiful daughter grow into an amazing woman. While it may not feel like it right now, you have given her an incredible gift by taking care of you. :hugs:

**Bathsheba** · February 6th, 2008, 08:53 AM

Baby Socks. How are you going? I'm so proud of you too. Well done for pressing charges and for refusing to speak to him. They will say anything to get you back under their control. Stay strong! I lived as a child in a violent household. As an adult I am actually angrier with my mother who put my sister and I into that situation than I am with the violent Step father. Please protect your DD. Lulu is right: these are the hard days... life WILL get better if you stay strong!

**Zoesmummy** · February 6th, 2008, 11:38 AM

YOU HAVE MADE THE BEST DECISSION TO LEAVE, THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO EXCUSE FOR A MAN, OR AYONE FOR THAT MATTER TO HIT YOU..IT IS N-O-T OKAY! AND GOOD ON YOU FOR SEEING THAT AND WALKING AWAY. TO GO BACK TO SOMETHING LIKE THAT IS VERY EASY AND MANY WOMEN DO, BUT PLEASE BE STRONG AND CONTINUE ON YOUR OWN PATH AND REMIND YOURSELF THAT YOU ARE A GREAT PERSON, A GREAT MUM AND YOUR CHILD DOES NOT DESERVE TO GROW UN IN AN ENVIRONMENT WITH THAT TYPE OF CARRY ON HAPPENING. DOMESTIC VIOLENCE ESCUALTES AND MANY TIMES THE END RESULTS ARE LIFE OR DEATH. YOU HAVE A BEAUTIFUL CHILD, CONCENTRATE ON THAT AND KEEP YOUR FAM AND FRIENDS CLOSE. I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU ARE FEELING AND EXPERIENCING AT THIS TIME, IT IS VERY HARD AND TRUST ME, IF YOU CAN BE STONG ENOUGH TO WALK AWAY FROM THAT AND STAY AWAY THEN YOU WILL HAVE A WONDERFUL LIFE. BEING A SINGLE PARENT IS VERY CHALLENGING AT TIMES, I HAVE BEEN ON MY OWN WITH MY DAUGHTER SINCE SHE WAS 12MONTHS OLD, SHE IS ALMOST 3... I HAVE TOUGH DAYS AND I HAVE GREAT DAYS.. IT IS ALL 120% WORTH IT. BEING A MUM IS THE BEST JOB IN THE WORLD AND I WOULDNT HAVE IT ANY OTHER WAY. SO GO AND PAT YOURSELF ON YOUR BACK AND TELL YOURSELF THINGS ARE GOING TO BE JUST FINE...BECAUSE THEY WILL!!!! PROMISE!!! CONTACT ME AT rachjm84@yahoo.com IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO TALK MORE, IM MORE THAN HAPPY TO :-) BE SAFE

**suse** · February 6th, 2008, 03:24 PM

Well done Baby Socks - you've done a very brave thing. I can't pretend to know what you are going through right now, having never experienced abuse, but you are doing a good thing by leaving him on your own terms.

Stay strong honey, you are a very courageous woman and will get through the tough times to the good times that are waiting on the other side.

**Neenee Jellybeanie** · February 8th, 2008, 12:21 AM

Thanks, everyone.

I'm sort of perplexed right now as to what the hell I'm meant to do with myself. I have no friends (I did before I met exP but that didn't work too well) and am pretty much just alone right now. We're still talking, which is probably bad. He's saying that he needs to work on himself for a LONG time, at least a year (correctamondo), and after that perhaps we can start seeing each other again etc. etc. I don't effing know. With any luck I'll hate him by then. Right now i'm not angry, I'm just so hurt. I think about all the good times we had before all this ugliness, then I remember the ugliness itself and feel even worse. He raped me and I have no idea what to do with that. I don't know how to react or what I should be feeling or anything, all I know is that it hurts like nothing else and every time I see a woman on TV getting attacked I have a panic attack.

I keep wondering if I could've done something different. I tried so, so hard. It made no difference. I know that, but I can't stop questioning myself. Some days are better than others. I'm crying as I write this but today has still been a good day.

I am going to arrange counseling tomorrow, my GP says it will help my sleep problems.

**tiggerandpooh** · February 8th, 2008, 06:15 AM

:hugs: babysocks....

Oh darlin I wish I could give it to you in person. I'm glad that you are going to see a counsellor. They will help you put things in perspective, and build your self esteem, which understandably is in tatters right now. Try honey to focus on the day your living in for now, not tomorrow, not yesterday, just today. Because today is the only one you have any control over. Baby steps ok...

Its good that he recognises that he needs to work on himself. Let him. You concentrate on looking after you and your baby girl. That's all your focus needs to be right now. And nothing you did or didnt do changes the fact that he assaulted you, physically and sexually. You can't control another person's behaviour or choices. Only yours. He did those things. NOT you. There is never a justifiable reason as to why someone else assualts you. Try to stop the "if I'd done this differently, or this, or even done that...If I hadn't said this, or I had just said yes, or kept my mouth shut..." on and on and on. YOU didn't do this. HE did.
:hugs:

**suse** · February 8th, 2008, 07:34 AM

Oh hon, it's little wonder you're perplexed, but always remember, it was him who has been abusive. This is his behaviour, you've just been the unlucky one who bore the brunt of it, but nothing you could have done would change the fact that he is an abusive person, it would have reared its ugly head one way or another.

It is good that he is perhaps starting to recognise his behaviour and is willing to work on it, but this is something he must do alone right now. Even if his motive for change is pure and he genuinely sees that what he has done is abuse and entirely under his own control, any involvement you have with him may only cloud the issue right now. There seems to be a very strong pattern of abusive and manipulative behaviour in you exDP from what you have said - he can't put conditions (even open ended ones) on him working on his behaviour. He needs to work on his behaviour for himself, not for you.

Most importantly, you need to heal and restore yourself, and you can't do this if he is still in the picture confusing the issue. You are in a scary situation right now and it is understandable that you feel alone, and part of you is turning to the support that you are most familiar with - him (even though you want to be angry with him and hate him, you can't just switch off what you have felt for this man - emotionally you are being pulled in so many directions right now). This is the most difficult part, the beginning.

You are on the right path for you and your daughter, stay strong - it will get better.