Crappy Situation With Unborn Baby's Father Already (VENT/HELP)

[MummyTee]

Thanks all for the great advice. Hehehe Cass72 "therapeutic", I bet it was!! Your DS1 sounds like a gem, glad it all worked out and that’s inspiration

My little one who is going through a growth spurt in my tummy so I’m glad I posted and feel better from all the advice as I was also worried about the negative vibes that I’m probably already putting into bubby and my home.

It’s sinking in more and more that it’s his loss. I could never do what he did so it’s still a shock.

RainbowB, wow that is amazing, I had to read that 3 times to make sure you didn’t do a typo!!! 7 children! You are Superwoman with alot of love to give obviously, that's great! I know deep down I deserve better...

EMC2, sorry to hear you had to go through that as well. It shows you have a lot of patience and decency to give him AND his family time of day and get to know them more while you were preggy. I never knew before how vulnerable you feel when pregnant so I hope one day he appreciates it, but it doesn’t sound like it after not even being able to sympathise with a foot breach and C-section. I feel sorry for his next girlfriend, and some men need to come with a warning tattooed on their forehead! x

Forshelby: Sadly I would both hope my child doesn’t ever find out about this as I imagine they would be pretty devastated to hear they weren’t wanted by someone significant. At this point, Jackyll & Hyde isn’t a contributor at all, let alone of any value. I can’t lie, I still hope this changes, as I remember all the things about my Dad that I just couldn’t experience with my Mother. Like his deep voice, silly jokes and protectiveness. Being tall and strong enough he could hold me upside down and everytime Mother said no to an icecream, he would sneak around the back of the house with one and we’d just laugh. Teaching me how to do a burnout in the car, and seeing where I got my sense of humour, etc. And back to taking one day at a time like you said….I’ve heard that village saying a lot, as I have 6 godchildren!
Thank you, that is very, very sweet. I’m currently in North Queensland as I forgot to update my location but will very likely end up back that way and will be in contact.
Cute sidenote, I can’t wait to cuddle my baby!

Here’s my little sidenote: I wrote down on a piece of paper one night over a little prayer and candle that I wanted to be a biological mother and signed it, after all the fertility injections and BFNs last year I knew adopting and/or being a Foster Mum wouldn’t be for me. I put the piece of paper in a box and forgot about it to let the universe deal with it. 2 weeks later I was pregnant. My AMH is around 5 and my sister reached menopause at the age I am now. Hence the miracle.

Footsteps: Thank you and I hope your dreams come true for your BFP. xo

[forshelby]

What a strange coincidence... I'm originally from north QLD. *spooky music* hehe. It sounds to me like you're doing a fantastic job sorting through the mess of the situation, so well done for being so strong! It's only natural to hope the father changes his ways, we all have feelings like that at one time or another about certain people. But it's important to be realistic about the possibility of that happening, which I think you're doing.

Congratulations on your miracle pregnancy!!

[Girl-23]

MummyTee,

Personally, I think you should keep away from this man until he shows he is ready to handle this situation. You should not contact him, respond to any of his calls, etc. Show him you are moving on without his emotional, physical, verbal abuse. You wanted to be pregnant so do not let anyone, even the father of this baby, ruin it for you. You don't need stress during your pregnancy. Ignore him. Concentrate on your baby. Good luck and you have made the right decision to move away.

[Gigi]

took me five years to conceive, older than you, and i took to heart, that some women miscarry. So i took great trouble about my personal safety, even in public places. One wrong knock, a fall, i didn't want to take risks. So i say this, in the context of your - um - i am not sure what to call him - your X? - well he physically pushed you.

i would encourage you - if you want to have counselling/talking - any contact with him, make it in a very safe environment, especially with a 3rd party - anything so that you protect the little life growing inside you. Because if he happens to get nasty again, and physical with you again, it would be terrible to think of a potential miscarriage situation.

i was pregnant at the age my own mother was menopausal, so i consider my DD to be a miracle too.

Feeling like you only have one shot at being a mother, did make me over cautious, but my DD is alive, so it was worth it.

It sounds to me like you want your baby very very much, so i say all this to you, because i want your dream to come true. I don't know you, but you express how i felt, that having a baby was (and is) very important to me too.

have a healthy and happy pregnancy.

make it child focussed.

if YOU might agree to something (e.g seeing the father to talk), think about "how can this be achieved, with the baby's safety, the first priority".

it's so easy, to "put everybody else first" (e.g the daddy), if you can't put your own safety first, put the baby's safety first.

[emc2]

thanks Mummytee

It is a very similar situation. Rather than go into more about my situation, well I wish I had done this during my pregnancy, but I cancelled the appointment as it was a very hot day in summer. I went to the appointment with the DV counsellor at Relationships Australia today. She was brilliant, and she went through the scenarios with me and just how to cover things for the future.

I suppose my scenario is a little different in that, the father does want to know and be involved with his son, so I have to set very clear boundaries, which I have been doing, but to keep it up, but also to cover things for the future. She suggested I keep a daily or weekly log/diary of any interesting behaviour from my ex. eg showing up for visit obviously intoxicated, dropping in without notice etc. Then if things do ever go to court, there's evidence there.

Every DV scenario is different, oh the good thing is there's oodles of free services and emotional, financial, verbal abuse is well recognised in 2011. You might get the odd service asking "but does he hit you" but on the whole it's well recognised that often emotional/verbal can escalate to physical so it is finally acknowledged that it is just as bad iykwim.

Sorry this is very broad advice, I like to respond to the OP but also just put general advice up for anyone who may need help about anything on forums.

[bec293]

I have to agree with the previous replies, I think you and your baby will be better off without someone like this in your lives. Don't be scared of being a single mum. My sons father does not have anything to do with any part of our lives. Never has, never will. I don't get child support (he is overseas and mostly unreachable), I have sent him photos of his son but since I found out I was pregnant all I have gotten from him is one text message (my bub is almost 9 months old now). But I am happy, my baby will grow up without a father but he gets more than enough love from me. You will be fine, it is very scary at times being pregnant alone, wondering what your life will be like when your baby is born.. I know that feeling very well but just try to look at the positives and do what is in the best interest for you and your baby.

[MummyTee]

Gigi, thanks for that advice, I will take it on board as I hadn’t thought of some of that stuff. I have/am and will always put bubs first and want to be a good mummy.

EMC2, very interesting. Thank you for that. I will look into those services. Everyone has testing time I guess so we can then help others in the same position.

Bec293: I know you are right, sounds like we are both better off!! And bubs too.

Sounds like I’m in great company as a single mum. Kudos. x

[emc2]

My update is my ex is becoming more erratic and now it is both him and his father harassing me. It's just all emotional verbal stuff so I am glad I have kept a diary of sorts from during the pregnancy and now the visits. He basically doesn't have any legal right to visit in my home and so now I am slowly stepping things up a bit in terms of formality and IF things ever go to court.

My advice is get legal advice and do write down any of his behaviours or incidents even if you do have very little contact, just in case.

[MummyTee]

Gosh that sucks EMC2, that you have to deal with both grown men behaving like tools. You don't deserve any of that garbage! I hope you don't end up in court. Thanks for the update.

Update: Have not heard a peep from DH (d**khead), only that it looks like he is now sh*gging my now "obviously former" closest friend here, or she wants to which is just as bad!!

Funnily enough it makes my beneficiary updates, will writing, god parent choosing, who I want in the delivery room, and if to include him later on a piece of cake now!

[briggsy's girl]

i've been the kid in a DV relationship - you don't want that for your baby - at all. it's horrible and demoralising and can lead to lots of self esteem/self worth issues later - not to mention the fact i have to fight an almost instinctual reaction to lash out when i'm hurting or angry. it takes immense control (and a frikken AWESOME and supportive husband) to help me to not continue the cycle of abuse.

just a couple of little logistical things - you're better off with your child having father details on birth certificate (my brothers certificate doesnt, and it has caused massive issues in his relationship with our parents). you can then speak with a social worker through c'link after baby arrives, and have a violence exemption placed on file so that you don't need to claim child support (if you don't name the father, you'll be sent to legal aid to chase proof of paternity - if you don't, your payment will be reduced from a max of 165 per fn of family tax a to less than 55 a fortnight). i would suggest, given what has already occurred with him attacking you, that you look at getting a DVO in place now - it doesn't sound like he would be in any way incapable of attacking you to try and cause harm to the baby, so it would be in both your best interests to do it now and have it in place before your baby arrives.

[MummyTee]

Thanks heaps BG,

I have been a child of an abusive and violent home, that's why I'm not giving another chance.

Just wondering, does the Father have to sign the birth cert? I have decided to move cities again and have the baby and live far away from all this crap so would he have to fly there to sign it at the hospital?

[briggsy's girl]

I believe you can attach a stat dec regarding why the father hasn't signed. Not sure though

[bec293]

just a couple of little logistical things - you're better off with your child having father details on birth certificate (my brothers certificate doesnt, and it has caused massive issues in his relationship with our parents). you can then speak with a social worker through c'link after baby arrives, and have a violence exemption placed on file so that you don't need to claim child support (if you don't name the father, you'll be sent to legal aid to chase proof of paternity - if you don't, your payment will be reduced from a max of 165 per fn of family tax a to less than 55 a fortnight).

My babies father is not on his birth certificate. This was the best way for us, as it can lead to big dramas if you need to get a passport, or anything else official you will need consent from the father if he is named. I do not get child support but I still had to apply to prove that the father could not be contacted. I just gave them all the details I had, they confirmed I could not get CS so therefore qualified for full family tax benefit. I was not sent to legal aid and my payments have not been reduced one cent. It was a little humiliating explaining my situation over the phone numerous times and in person at Centrelink but at least now I don't need to get permission from the father if I want to take bub on an overseas holiday (which I have just done with no hassles) or do anything else that requires permission from both parents.

[briggsy's girl]

there is no need to explain anything over the phone to c'link/family assistance consultants - all you need to do is ask to speak with a social worker about your situation. without a valid exemption, your payment will be cut.

if you want advice in regard to the legalities, you can contact the family relationships advice line and they can refer you to the right people regarding the legalities regarding birth certificates etc. make sure you get the advice from the source

my comments regarding the birth certificate were related to my own family situation - my parents weren't living together when my brother was born and he wasn't named on the birth certificate - the trouble this has caused my brother since then in terms of emotional anguish regarding his identity is pretty full on.

[Mumtastic]

I'm sorry about this awful experience. I wanted to really recommend that you find some single mothers to pal up with. I don't know whether it's possible, but I would also recommend trying to move past the immediate hurt and hone in on the longterm view - it doesn't sound as though the situation with him is going to be workable, you can do this on your own - how can you have a good life on your own, etc.

Your baby needs love, family and friends and for his Mum to have a support network. The involvement of the person whose sperm contributed to his c onception is not compulsory.