I can't stop feeling some huge guilt for DD right now. My EF just left me 5 days before our wedding. After he left me I let him come back three more time and leave in a period of 2 weeks. In my head I have had enough but in my heart I can't stop feeling love for this monster. Truth is EF is a whole hearted sociopath. He lies to my face so much I don't think he has ever been honest. He doesnt care about my emotions or DD's. He is so self centered it is ridiculous. What is worse is that he continually finds new ways to break my heart and I really believe he enjoys it.

So here is why I feel so darn guilty for DD. I am not in it....I hate saying that but it is so true...I want to be that perfect mother I felt I used to be but lately it seems I just sit on the couch and and hate myself. At night I cry myself to sleep. I know DD is only 18 months but I know she knows what is going on. Whenever EF see's her he puts on this huge show like he is the worlds greatest father but he is not. He sees her maybe a total of 5 huors during the week and that is it. He left me with no job ( I was a SAHM) and a 12 month lease and all of the bills.

I do not know how to move on...I do not know how to even accept the thought of another man in my life. Mostly I dont know how to be there for DD...