Having 'the' talk...

[BellyBelly]

For those of you who started off a separation by saying it was a trial etc... how did you deal with the 'it's over' thing? It's doing my head in, it had to happen and I am trying to stay objective in all of this but argh, its so frustrating... I dont want to argue with him anymore and it feels like everything is turning into an argument and I am in such a foul mood today now ...

[Pretty Butterfly]

When I first separated from my ExH, we wanted to give it a real go.

So we left each other alone, and just "dated" for a while. No talk of the big issues, just general fun stuff.

It became very clear to both of us that we were just friends, and thats all. So for us, the actual "we wont be getting back together" talk was mutual, and the friendship we found has kept us great friends, which is perfect for our kids.

Maybe you can try, "no talking of the issues" for a while, and see if you still have common ground first?? If you can get DH on board to try this way, it may work for you two.

Good luck, it can be so hard babe....

[Arimeh]

Aw kelly I'm sorry you are going through this. Its never easy.

I had a trial separation with my first husband for two months - he stayed in Melbourne and I came back home to Queensland. We decided that since I had another year at uni to go to in Melbourne - that we would give it another go.

It just didn't work. The arguments were neverending, I wasn't happy, and I felt that I was compromising who I am as a person because I was trying to make everything all peachy keen when it wasn't.

After about 10 months I moved to Queensland again, and he said he would follow me. (this was in the November)

By January I had kinda got the hint that he wasn't coming up. He called me one night in February and confirmed that it was over. To me, it was a great relief, I could get on with my life - there was nothing/no-one holding me back - I could be ME again.

Of course I grieved for the relationship that we used to have - but we both wanted different things and had grown apart too much to ever try to repair it. And you know what? It turned out to be the very best thing I ever did in my life - now I'm married to someone who isn't just my husband, but my best friend too - and I can yell, scream and throw tanties like the hormonal, overtired, stressed out mother that I am - and he comes and talks to me like nothing has happened 10 minutes later.

I wish you lots of luck in your journey.

[Aimz]

Just wanted to pop in and give you a big Kelly.

[Footsteps]

just wanted to give you huge hugs hunxxx

[Je$$_84]

Oh Kell- so sorry your going throug hthis... Dont have any advice as i have not been in that situation but just wanted to say big

[Kitt3n]

Kelly,

I am not sure if you mean telling him that its over or if you are asking as to how to deal with telling the kids?

When I left my ex it was not trial by seperation - I finally just got to the point where I told him that I wanted to be on my own - and that same day I left.

If you mean as to how to deal with him - simply tell him, sit down and say - its not working, I want to be on my own - I have had enough of this trial. He is a grown man, and you are no longer his emotional support person, he has to find out how to deal with it himself. Unfortunately it might hurt, but you have to be tough - you have to look after your health and wellbeing now- he can look after his.

If you mean the kids - it really depends how old they are......

Just remember that this is a bright beautiful ending to all of this - trust me

[feeb]

ohh hun just wanted to give u a hug and say i am sorry to hear things are not working, u r an amazing woman and will get throught it all!!

[Amity]

I originally told Xh on Monday 9 October 2006 that I was going to stay at my parents' for a few days because there were some issues that I needed to deal with, without his input. He was pretty pi$$ed off, which was at least part of the problem. He and I went out for dinner on the Friday night (13 October 2006, 2 years ago today EEEK!) and I told him I wasn't coming home, it was over. He was really upset and used the whole emotional baggage trick to try and convince me otherwise.

I basically went the whole "I need time and space, it's not you it's me" thing which was so not true, it was and remains all about him. I had to explain my feelings and even justify them at times. It was a really really difficult conversation.

For me, the thing was that I didn't want my sons to grow up thinking the way their Father treated their Mother was good, or right. I had to emphasise this so much. Sure, I didn't want my kids coming from a broken home, but better to be two single parents who love the kids happily, than two parents together who can't stand each other, but love the kids and stay together for the kids' sake.

Oh and I said I wasn't talking to him AT ALL for that whole week. I needed my space and time. No phone, email, text or ANYTHING. I didn't want to see him at all. Or talk to him. All changeovers were at day care.

Hugs honey. You know where I am if you need me!

[Lulu]

Its alot harder on the person who didn't make the decision to separate, you have to wait until they catch up with you emotionally and they might not be ready for a long time.

Lay down some boundaries, refuse to talk in front of the children AT ALL and be prepared to cop some flack for awhile. Imagine yourself in the same position when it gets hard - he is fighting to to get his way as much as you are fighting to get yours.

GL xoxoxoxo

[Ilithyia]

Hi Kelly!

I just went through the exact same thing about a month ago.

Things were'nt good between DP and me for a long time. I had wanted to move out many time but never had the courage to do it. So in April this year I'd had enough and started to move my things to my mums and look for a place.

While I was looking for a place we spoke about it only being a trial and that we would be together still, but not living together.

When I finally found a place for the girls and I, I discovered my "new found freedom" and decided that I really needed to make a decision about whether I wanted to be with him or not.

When I would take our girls up to him we would argue and he would say things like "Just get in your car and leave". So after that I said to him are we together or not. And him being the coward that he is, left it to me to decide. So I ended it. I guess you could call that our "Having the Talk".

Just after that I went down for a "holiday" in Rockhampton to see some family. It was the best thing I could have possibly done! The girls and I had a great time. I even manged to meet a man who is going through the same thing as I. We are just friends but meeting him kept my head above water.

Coming back to Townsville I realised for the first time that me moving out was no trial separation. It was over for good. I don't ever see myself with the girls father again.

Although I am still a little sad to say it, leaving him was the best thing I could've done FOR ME!

There is no denying that its hard. Its painful. I had always dreamed of the fairtale family. But it just wasn't meant to be. I stayed unhappy, to keep the stability of a family life for my girls, for a long time. But by doing that I wasn't taking care of me. I lost me. I lost the Sara that was.

Today, I am a compltely different person inside and out. My mind and body are so much more healthier and happier.

I send you a truck load of and self confidence. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I promise!

You can do this. You can be happy to!

Good luck!

[M22]

kel, i had no idea i really hope you guys come to the best solution for the kids.

this is so sad- it's happening everywhere Atm.