I dont know what im trying to do..lol

[Butterfly Child]

I don't no if I'm having a breakdown or something lol
but today I want to be at peace with everything and to try and be friends with xp, dd's dad when yesterday I hated his guts.. I've been texting him and really trying harder and asking if he wants me to send him some photos of dd and I just asked him if he has fb.. that there is heaps of photos of her there.. am I crazy??? its always been really small talk with him, we won't hear from him for weeks on end and then I'll get a text asking if he can see grace so I'm trying to make an effort for things to get better between us..I don't know really hay

He's started having unsupervised visits of dd (only 3 times so far).. and i guess i want for us to get along to have a good relationship.

yeh he's stupid a lot of the time still a little 'boy'.. BUT...there's always going to be apart of me that wishes.. (and i cant believe im saying this or acknowledging it myself) that still loves him and wishes he had chosen to stay with me and that he loved me enough too..(woah i can't believe I've said that ) part of me resents his choice and his actions even now.. his lack of responsibility and selfishness. hes getting a bit better but its like I'm trying to help him, I've always have even after everything..

Yesterday when he picked dd up it was the first time he'd taken her without his mum there too.. me and dp saw him from inside trying to put the carseat seatbelt on her , he must have been there for about 15 min trying to do it up..i felt terrible for him and went out and asked him if he needed any help and that it takes a while to get the hang of it..(trying to make him feel better)

so this is all a bit everywhere sorry just need to get it all out and make sense of what I'm trying to do