Lost, lonely and really angry!

[Rainbow_Mumma]

Hi,
First off congratulations on the birth of your daughter. My XP sounds exactly the same as your except I left him when DD1 was a year old I couldnt handle his drugs, criminal activity or physical and mental abuse anymore. It was very hard to adjust to he saw her every 2nd weekend for about 6-9 months after our seperation then just became uninterested which honestly was fine by me his lifestyle choices were not something i wanted my daughter around then 18 months ago i got a sms from his sister saying "Michael doesnt need or want claire in his life now he has 2 other daughters" this hurt me terribly although it was what i wanted the wording doesnt need or want my daughters not an unwanted gift shes a human being. Anyway back to you got side tracked sorry! Have you thought about setting up a meeting with a solicitor and getting mediation done so that visitations ect with him and his family can be legally worked out? Also with him giving money to his new gf have you contacted CSA because he has to give you money to help support your little one, if hes unwilling to hand over the money himself child support can deduct it from his wage or centrelink pay before he even gets it thats the way i have to do it.
Best of luck.

[Jas]

I am so sorry that you are going through this. It must have been very emotionally draining having him come back only to have him leave again. I agree with Mrss re: gettign child support organised, he is responsible to help out with his dd financially and I agree it is very sad to have parents shirk their responsibilities to their children.

I think what is important to remember is that isn't a life sentence, you won't always be a single mum and feel like this, if you look at mrss signature she has obviously found someone new and had another little girl. Also though I think it is even more important to be ok on your own and to not not need a partner but more want one.

Congratulations on the birth of your daughter, this is a wonderful supportive forum and I am sure you will find many other mums, some single and having had similar experiences as you, that can chat about motherhood and life. You are on the most wonderful and amazing journey xo

[Butterfly Child]

awww hun,
Congrulations on ur beautiful baby girl hun!!
i could have written your post hun when my dd was ur dd's age(especially about the anger), because we were in the same/similar circumstances to you, xp left me when i was 7 weeks pregnant(after a couple of years together) because i wouldnt abort and he moved away but came back wen she was born when he pleased.. up untill recently i have been living with a whole lot of anger too which stemed from all the hurt. the last 9 months have been hard but i have been working at the anger and trying to heal and forgive atm because it wasnt healthy for me or dd. Anger only eats at you and makes you verry bitter id really suggest seeing a couneslor and trying to heal hun it takes time but better to deal with it. im at stage where i have accepted the way things are im not saying its not hard but ive tried to deal with the anger and own it, i dont understand how they do it to there kids you can't keep thinking about it because you will never know what goes on in their heads all you can do is be happy and healthy and be the best mum you can be for your beautiful daughter which i can see you are We are all here on bb to support i dont know what i would have done without the support i have recieved on here im thinking of you i know how hard is is but try and focus on your beautiful girl and the joy she is bringing if u ever need someone to chat to i could give you my msn or email etc xxx

[Butterfly Child]

Ohh hun i forgot to add have you put him on the birth certificate?? like the girls have said definently get in contact with the child support agency !
i know it may seem hopless now and just so unfair and hard but remember after the storm passes the sun will come out your dd is so lucky to have such a strong beautiful mum like you xx

[Little Bean 09]

Thank you everyone. Your support is invaluable. .
Mrs S – That must have been terrible to hear that from his sister. My ex’s sister is the one who broke us up again the second time with her lies and search for drama. We were doing couple counselling through Relationships Aust and that’s who I organised mediation through. I initiate mediation because I hadn’t heard from him at all. We haven’t had our mediation meeting though as they’re really busy. I didn’t think we’d need it when he came back. I haven’t contacted CSA as yet because he came back into our lives. I’ve got til the end of the month to do so but I’m in two minds about it because he’s not on the birth certificate. I couldn’t find him to get him to sign the paperwork for the cert so I wrote them a letter to say who he was and why he couldn’t sign so they didn’t put him on. At least I can get her a passport now without his signature. I’m kind of hoping he wants nothing to do with her and then I wouldn’t bother with CSA, I’d just work it out myself. He’s too busy with the drugs right now also and I don’t want her around that. Sometimes I think it’d be easier without him all together. I know children need their fathers but they need responsible ones who love them, not ignore them just to go out and get laid. I’m led to believe he’s moved away from where we live anyway so I don’t know what to do. I’m so happy that you’ve found happiness though. How long did it take you? I’m only 30 so I’m not too concerned about finding someone, I just miss having someone to share all the exciting new things my dd does each day and someone to hold the camera and take photos’ of us or video things. I need a “rent a hubby”, lol.
Butterfly Child – I love your quote at the end of your emails, I’ve included it in my diary and think I’ll print it and laminate it for next to my bed as a kind of affirmation. It sounds like you’re a very strong person to go it alone too. My pregnancy was so difficult and it was made worse because I’m still living in the house we own, he pays the mortgage as a way to clear his conscience about not seeing his daughter and another way to control us. I can’t sell without his signatures and I can’t move out as my money is tied up in the house. I’m seeking legal advice. So, he controls me and he knows it. During my pregnancy I just had so many people come up to me to tell me about the women he’s with and it broke me every time. My DD stopped growing for three weeks and I had multiple visits to the hospital. I guess this is another reason I’m so angry at him, for endangering our unborn child and myself and robbing me of what was supposed to be the most precious moment in my life. I went through a time of hating myself for not being stronger for my unborn baby but emotionally I was a wreck. My NY resolution this year though is to “try not to sweat the small things, and look at the bigger picture”. Anytime I’m down I just have to look at my DD and she makes everything worth while. I just hope I can get out of this house soon and really start my life again. If you’d like to chat sometime my MSN is sunny_79@live.com.au xx

[Jas]

I think you should put him down with csa because you have told births deaths and marriages you know who he is and with centrelink if you know who the father is but don't try to claim child support they majorly reduce your payments.

It won't force anything to happen as far as custody goes. your ex would have to go through the court to get custody so there is no real down side I can see for you.

Also as far as your house goes you can actually go through court and they can force him to sell. I would definitely definitely see a lawyer about this contact legal aid. My dad was abusive and when mum moved out he lived in the house for several years and wouldn't sell it, he eventually agree to sell it after someone put a letter in the mailbox to offer to buy it, mum had seen a lawyer to find out what she could do (he didn't know about that) he was paying the mortgage at the time and even though he wasliving there and wouldn't sell legally he could have tried to get money back off her for the rent once the house sold and there were other downfalls, so I would really get onto that also you would be entitled to a higher percentage of the money from the house due to you caring for your dd.

[Gigi]

You're right, he is robbing you of a special time in your life

but if he's going to live life like that, i think he's done you a favour by leaving

but coming back and going again - that's just messing you about - that's so not fair

i hope the mediation (visitation stuff) and legal advice (re the house) make some things clearer for you.

it IS very muddy water, once you have a child with someone. it's the only r'ship breakup you CAN"T 100% turn your back on (for the sake of the child).

best of luck to you

grab EVERY opportunity, at mother's group, playgroup, child nurse visits etc, to take out your camera and say "would you mind taking a happy snap of us please?" - who woulnd't love to photograph a cute bub and their loving mummy? i would happily do that for a single mum (well i'd do it for anyone, but you get the drift).

so keep your camera in the nappy bag and dont' be shy to ask strangers even. You might get some dud shots but the more you get taken, the highter the chance of a good one. (i take lots, am estatic if ONE turns out well LOL).

you're a new mum, madly in love with your bub, extremely biased (as every mum is!), so of course you want photos. You're the reason your bub is here, so you deserve some photos together. Especially after having a hard pregnancy, if you want photos, get photos. Sometimes, having a baby, gives you the omph, to do things you ordinarily wouldn't do, i have found i am a bit braver than usual, if it's something to do with my child. I want to do it FOR HER. Even if i would never get up the courage to do the same thign, just for me.

wishing you well petal, keep posting, you need all the support you can get - i know words are only MORAL support, but it's something to keep you positive.

hugs

[Little Bean 09]

Hi Jas
Thank you for the advice on CSA. I hadn’t even thought about them reducing my payments. I’ll go and see CSA this week sometime. I would just rather he had nothing to do with her. Regarding the house, I’m trying to get legal aid but they’ve rejected my application twice just because I own a car worth $25K. They tell me to sell it first and then they’ll consider it. So, lawyers are out for now until I hear back from Legal Aid, I’ve applied again. Meditation is where I’d like to sort things out but it’s up to my ex on that one. I too think he might take me to task over him paying the mortgage but at the moment that’s his child maintenance. I’ve sent text messages on numerous occasions asking to pay half the mortgage and also to work out selling the house so I’ll use those too if he goes down that avenue.
Hi GiGi- I have a feeling that he’s going to come back in to my life again, as soon as he’s finished being a bachelor. This is what I’m struggling with right now because I don’t know that I’m strong enough to say no to him this time. I really wanted our family and we were supposed to be getting married in May. I’m not sure how I’ll react if he does want us back. My friends all tell me to forget him but as you would know, you just can’t do that when you both have a child together. My friends are all single or married of course. As for the photo’s – at least I have my family here and they’re great, I guess it’s just those times at home when you’re alone and she does something gorgeous but you don’t have time, or when she’s asleep on your shoulder and you just wish you had a photo of it. It’s not the end of the world though and I’ll have those memories in my head and heart forever. Great idea about the playgroups though and taking the camera. I usually have it on me everywhere I go. I haven’t joined any mothers/play groups yet as I was a bit embarrassed about having to use nipple shields whilst breast feeding and it can get a bit messy. I’m getting better at it though and I understand the other mothers are understanding, it’s just awkward. I’m hoping to one day get her off them and slowly we’re making progress but I have flat nipples so it’s a bit hard.