My DD1 was still a baby when we separated but from all my research the most important things are just keeping everyone positive about the situation and all people involved in it so sounds like you're ticking those boxes.
My DD1 is now 4 and has never been anything but comfortable with the arrangement but since she was so young it is all she has ever known really which could be why. I met DP when she was almost 2 and we had DD2 very shortly after (read basically 9 months, panic stations but luckily worked out in the end) and whilst she has memories of just the three of us (DP, herself and I), she can't seem to recall a time when it was just her and I (living with her grandparents which she also doesn't seem to remember at all) even when we speak to her about it (such as talking about when she was born and she will ask if DP was there and we remind her that we didn't meet him till later etc). I guess at the moment this is just very much her default position of normal. We are all holding our breathe for as she gets older and starts to realise lots of (most) people live with their dad (although she has in the last year started calling DP 'daddy DP') leading to questions why she (or we) doesn't(don't) as she has never really asked yet. She did go through a period of not wanting a different last name to me (I have my original surname, DD1 has her dad's and DD2 has DP's) but we all explained it to her and she seemed okay about it. Truth be told I would love to change her surname but I don't think it is appropriate to encourage or push despite her bringing it up unprompted so we just gave her the facts and left it at that, the most important thing to us is that she is comfortable.
We have always just made sure people in her life reinforce that having two homes (and two dads in her situation) is lucky and neat (grandparents etc all on board with the concept). During the week we make sure to talk about her dad like when we do things we might say you'll have to tell dad about that when you sleepover on the weekend and when she is with her dad he does similar so that she knows we are all cool with each other and her life is one fluid and joint thing rather than two separate lives if that makes sense.
In our situation, DP and I are the main carers and we make the major decisions and inform her bio-dad as such (this was agreed upon by all, we often ask him for his input but he prefers to defer to us). When we explain it to others the easiest way to describe it is that DP and I (and DD2) are DD1s family unit while her bio-dad is similar to an involved grandparent, a close relative. It works for us but mostly works well for DD1.
Every situation is very unique though, I'm not sure what will happen is DD1's dad enters a new relationship which I assume is somewhere in our future considering it has been over 3 years now but we just hope as long as we all focus on being positive then we can navigate it in a way that is supportive of DD1. DP is also terrified of the day DD1 tries to use the 'you're not my real dad' line. Plus there is probably going to be a point where DD1 and DD2 are confused about why they have to spend time apart type thing - both wanting to go or to stay. So even after the initial reality hit there can be many points that require a new investment in adjustment. I just hope even if we have difficult points that one day DD1 will be able to look back and understand it from another perspective even if she can't from her own straight away. I hope it will be obvious to her how we tried our best in a situation that was necessary so I try to keep that as my focus - it isn't just about how things are for her right now but how she will feel looking back with the extra wealth of experience and maturity behind her.
My parents are still together but I know there were things in my childhood I thought were unfair or that I couldn't understand at the time but looking back I know my parents always did their best and had my interests at heart, so when I worry about there being dark points I just need to hold onto that; this was the right decision for everyone and that will get clearer with time.
Well, we're three weeks post-separation and I realise that it's still early days but things are going well so far. The girls see their dad pretty much every day and sleep over on weekends when his roster allows.
There have been no tears and I made sure that the girls have never seen me upset. They have only ever seen their mum and dad being positive/enthusiastic about dad having a new house. I stay for a cup of tea at drop offs and XDP does the same here.
I got a bit worried yesterday when DD1 asked me when I was going to marry daddy. Had to explain that wouldn't be happening. Turned out that she just fancied the idea of being flower girl. Might have been a bit early but floated the idea that when she is much older I might get married to someone else. Her words: "I wouldn't mind that at all mum as long as I get to be flower girl and as long as daddy can see you getting married too."
So, I realise that there is still the potential for the girls to be upset down the track, but as far as starts go, I think we've made a pretty good one. XDP is 1.5km away, less than a 5 min drive and walking distance away for the girls when they're older.
Thank you everyone for sharing your stories and making me alert to the fact that excitement at the outset and then sadness when it sinks in is to be expected. Hugs to all of you for whom the sadness is lingering.
Pleased to hear things are going well so far. They are young, so hopefully things will be fairly smooth sailing. I don't know if others have listed, but there are some picture story books that you could read with the girls. I think one is called - It's just different now
St Lukes Innovative Resources or Peoplemaking have websites that list a few - it might be something else that could help explain things....?
I think you and XDP should be proud of the way you are handling things. best of luck and a for those times the tears are falling xox
My DS ages 2 and 4, have coped well with my separation. I actually felt they would cope better being younger. They generally tell me at some point each week that they miss their Dad, want to see their Dad, that they don't like me and want their Dad etc... I try not to take it personally, but it does make me sad.
I'm sure when they are older, they may request to go live with him, I can only hope that they will want to come back home to me once they realise the grass is not actually grener on the other side.
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for those times the tears are falling xox
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