What keeps you sane?

[Muffy]

I was wondering what keeps everyone sane in those 'OMG I NEED A FRIGGIN BREAK' moments.....
I know not everyone has those moments but i know i certainly do and im pretty sure alot of you do too!
I have no idea what keeps me sane.. i think its the fact that i know by at least 10pm the kids will be in bed asleep and i have time to just sit and do NOTHING.... (actually i spend most of my time on BB )
Has anyone ever reached that point where it has been 'too much' and have actually needed a proper break from your kids? and no, im not here to judge anyone as i have come close to this plenty of times!
Sometimes i wonder if i was too young to have the kids as i dont have alot of patience(sp?) i just want to makle something clear I WOULD NEVER HURT MY KIDS but sometimes i just want to run away and never come back but it is not Logan and Bellas fault! i just cant handle it sometimes!!!
What are your tips and tricks to get you through those tough times?
What age do you think is 'too young' to have kids? (dont worry i wont be offended FWIW i was 19 when i had logan.)

i hope that makes sense...

[Sequoia]

Sometimes I look forward to 5.00pm as that is when DH usually walks in the door. We have no other family where we live so we are each other's support.

Oh, nap times are good too! I like to do something for me (net, read, craft etc) when DS is sleeping.

[Fleur]

Oh BOY have I had moments where I need to run away.

For me it is periodic.. I will have a week or sometimes even a month where I think it is all going to send me insane and I just don't know what to do. Then it just seems to pass.

Sometimes in the past Mum would take them for a night, although that was quite rare. And atm we have no family closer than an hour & a half away.

One thing that has helped is time, and experience...knowing that it does pass, everything changes... although I have had (still do) irrational moments where I just can't think straight enough to figure that out kwim?

I have to say, working has helped me.. that's just me, it's something I need to give me a break from the kids & the house, I spent 10 years at home before I started work & it has definitely been a good move for me personally, (as noted by many who know me )

But still there are times where i just want them all to go away (just for a little bit).

For me it's about head-space...as tired as I am, I sit up at night when everyone else is in bed just so I have some peace & quite ... through the day you could try going for a walk, exercise is great as well as the head space.

Oh and too young to have kids? I don't know I think it depends on the person... I was 17.. I had a lot of help from Mum to start with but I was ok in myself too. I know 24 year olds who don't have it together enough....and others who are brilliant. I think it's about 'where you are' in yourself kwim?

[AliBaby]

Yes I have had those moments and normally they are in the wee hours of the morning. I have to say that I stay sane by reminding myslef how lucky I am to have DD. Lately I have found myself thinking about others who have lost their children and thinking how much they would give anything to be in my situation right now, even if it met being woken up 10 times during the night, so I should enjoy each moment as I know I would give anything to have my DD. (gawd I have kind of come off a bit strange...hope nobody takes offense to that, I am not meaning to upset anyone).

[Jellyfish]

When I feel like I want to assault my DD (I never literally would but you know what I mean), I assault her with kisses. It helps ease the frustration out.

I am always clock watching, too!

I also try to remind my self what is the worst that could happen? If I have to walk with her for another few hours, I think at least I am getting some exercise. I also try to remember she won't be little for long and I will miss it one day.

[skybie]

i was 19 when i had DD too ive never thought i was too young although i do sometimes get jealous of hearing about friends doing certain things that just arent feezable when u have kids!
my coping strategy...i dont really know i think i take comfort in the fact that when 730pm rolls around she's in bed(mind u she'doesnt always go to sleep then) but i know i can kick back and just do me things.
i know this prob wont work for you seeing as your newley single but 2 nights a week a go to my BFF's for coffee and to just talk like an adult and not have to worry about DD for a few hours.
DF works 6 days a week and doesnt really do too much to take the pressure off me on his day off, so i completely understand the wanting to run away thing!!! i send DD to day care from 9-12 on a weds, this is ment to be my down time to just relax but most of the time i end up running errands and by the time 12 comes along i havent sat down yet! so that completely defeats the purpose!
so in all, no real advice lol, but your definetely not alone! i can see myself writting a similair post once this one comes along in oct.
Big hugs hun
xxxxxxxxx

[Jellyfish]

Also wanted to add that I sometimes feel I had her too young (I was 20 when I fell pregnant, 21 when she was born and she is 3 months now). I don't think I was too young to be a parent just more I wasn't prepared/ready. She was unplanned so I guess I feel like I didn't get everything done that I wanted to in advance but I don't blame her, it isn't her fault at all and now I wouldn't trade it... but I do miss my old life at the same time... you know what I mean?

I have had feelings of wanting to run away and I have had times when I leave her with DF so I can just drive. I always come back but I know that feeling.

[suse]

I stopped being sane years ago, which I think helps immensely. There's no worry about losing something that I never had

Seriously though - I think there are two things that help me most on those days that are just too much (sleep deprivation is my real patience sapper, I can cope with anything if I am well rested, but I have a child who has difficulty with the concept of sleep so my patience is tested almost continually).

The first is the knowledge that the worst that occasionally getting grumpy at him is going to do is make me feel bad for being grumpy at him. I give myself permission to get frustrated and crotchety every now and again and to not be perfect. So what if a complete stranger sees me looking like a slightly deranged harridan muttering imprecations under my breath - I know that I'm only like this occasionally and that I usually deal with stress in a much more constructive way. They can either recognise that I'm having a mum moment or they can bugger off. I don't care, I'm never going to see them again anyway.

The second is to look at what it is that is causing me frustration, and see if there is a way that I can channel it better. So if DS is jumping around on the furniture and threatening to put his head through a plate glass window if he's not careful whilst I'm desperately trying to get yesterday's dishes done so that I can start on dinner, and is patently not interested in doing any number of the quiet and safe activities that I would like him to do so that I can concentrate on what I am doing which usually involves sharp implements, then I bundle him off to a park for an hour so we can run around having fun rather than me grumbling at him and nearly slicing off my finger or burning dinner. OK, so we end up having tinned soup and toast for dinner, but at least I'm not trying to battle against something that I really can't change.

But there are times (like the middle of the night wakeups when it's cold and all you want to do is stay in your warm bed and sleep until midday), that you keep going, even though you really really don't want to but because there's nothing else you can do, knowing that it will pass and that you will get through it, and in the process discover that you actually have a lot more patience than what you give yourself credit for, because you DID stick it out and didn't run away. And then you get one of these

ETA: BTW, patience has nothing to do with age. I'm old and decrepit AND really impatient

[Jahzara]

If i am having a bad day and feeling like i need to vent i ring DH - i dont care what he is doing at work, i just let it all out.
Sometimes i ring him crying cause i have had enough and i tell him that "i just needed to hear your voice". Then i dont feel so alone and DH knows that i am having a crappy day and he can share my woes.
If its a really bad day - he might hear from me 3 or 4 times, if its a good day he might not hear from me at all or sometimes i just ring him to tell him i love him.

I clock watch too - waiting for DH to come home and share the load.


My DH keeps me sane - most of the time

[Muffy]

Sequoia - I dont have a DH that comes home from work everyday I do have family near by but my sister has 2 babies of her own (same age as mine) and my mum has her own life/problems to deal with without me dumping the kids on her ... i really do feel for you not having family close!

jasp - I think i need to go back to work as well, but on the same hand i cant stand the thought of someone else spending more time with my kids than i do!!! KWIM? that makes sense about 'where you are' in yourself. I dont think i was 'ready' to be a mum.

Ali - i must sound so un-grateful reading your post made me think i should have added that in.. i do love my kids and am so grateful that i was able to have them - i think i just take it for granted sometimes KWIM?

Jitterbug - sometimes i need to walk away from DD or DS but then i go back and smother them with hugs and kisses!! that is so true, i will miss them being this little one day! i think i am the same i wasnt too young i just wasnt ready - it was VERY unplanned and i had so many dreams and goals....

skybie- i think thats what gets at me the most, i have all my friends telling me about all the wonderful things they are doing - traveling, uni, working dream jobs, partying etc... and im stuck at home looking after kids... will be here for support when no2 comes along for you!!! its quite challenging.

suse-

Seriously though - I think there are two things that help me most on those days that are just too much (sleep deprivation is my real patience sapper, I can cope with anything if I am well rested, but I have a child who has difficulty with the concept of sleep so my patience is tested almost continually).

Logan is 'that' child lol
I dont have the energy to keep up with him - there is no way i could take him to the park or even for a walk he gets soo naughty runs off etc and our local park is right next to a river (hes OBSESSED with water)
thankyou for your advice

ETA - chickybabe- when i was with exDF i could call him and tell him how crappy my day was but he just thought i was over reacting and it wasnt that bad... you are one lucky woman

[Jellyfish]

Yeah, I definitely feel you on the hearing about everything friends are doing. All of mine are in Uni, almost finishing their degrees. My two best friends are about to go to Europe together and I feel a bit left out. I can rarely go out with them on weekends and they rarely bother asking anymore which is hard. It just feels like I'm on a completely different path, one that I wanted to be on but later, when we were all heading that way together, you know? I now feel a bit pressured to have another child soon since I always wanted them close together but I wasn't ready for this one so I feel really conflicted!! There are heaps of parts I love and I am so happy I have my DD in my life but it can be so hard at the same time.

I try to remember that when they are at school, I will still be young enough to pursue things such as a degree or career and that having her at my age means I have a greater chance to experience more of her life (watch her grow old type thing). I also just try to remember how lucky I am to have a child and that it was something I wanted, even if I did get it way before I ever expected. You know, just try to look at the positives rather than get weighed down by the negatives.

I am enjoying it a lot more than I thought I would. I had thoughts of adoption when I was pregnant that now haunt me a little. Being pregnant and giving birth were such amazing experiences and being a Mum has taught me so much so quickly. I thought I was close to my parents before but I now have a greater understanding and respect for them. All in all, I am happy but yeah, there are times when I just don't want to get out of bed... I always had those moments, it is just now I can't let myself give into them!

Sorry sort of opened up into my own little rant/story. Just wanted you to know I know how you feel.

Oh and

[Muffy]

OMG thats scary i could have written that post myself.. everything u had written is what i have felt over the past couple of years.
I always knew i was going to have kids but i thought that was after i had been at uni, etc!!!
Also when i was preg with DS i had very strong thoughts about adoption!!!!!
omg im still shocked i keep going back and reading your post and i think wow i feel as though that has come out of my own head.. just like a page out of my diary!!
I do get hurt that my friends dont ask me to go out anymore!
thankyou for letting me know how you feel, i would rather people give advice from their own personal experiences!! xoxox

[smiles4u]

Hey Rav ... reckon i have those moments that you mention in your thread question almost everyday & i'm talking about more than once per day

I was under the impression if one is an older Mother they would have more patience ... well, i can vouch I HAVE NO PATIENCE left in me most days since my gorgeous DD has graced the earth ... So, who came up with that rubbish of a notion

You will laugh to picture this lil story ... when DD was about 2wks old DP & i were at the local shopping centre & he said something to me & before he knew it i had bolted up the road (almost running) whilst the poor guy with our newborn DD had no idea what direction i went so he drove for ages to find me way, way up the road from the shopping centre ... He asked what was i doing with great concern & i said i was running away ... must i add i was 40 years of age (You'd be happy to know i haven't ran away since )

My way of escape in those moments that you mentioned is to think that feeling isn't going to last forever & largely because i was emotionally & physically abused by my Mother from a young child to teenager (til she booted me out of home, in which she did me a great favour there) i just can't bear to have 'those' awful thoughts (i think it takes a toll on me more than the average person) so allow myself so much time to feel the "Ahhhhh" feeling when DD does something that drives me nuts ... then i try very hard to dig myself out of that feeling. Another thing is i must always have goals to look forward to whether they be days, weeks or months away

[thepixie]

I stopped being sane years ago, which I think helps immensely.

:yeahthat:
But seriously sometimes I surprise myself with how patient I can be, and other times I snap for no reason. Other than that.... sleep when I can and drink LOTS of coffee. Try not to ask too much of myself. Not sure how it will work when I have to go back to work in a couple of weeks though....

[Fleur]

Oh RR & jitterbug... to you both.... I so remember feeling like that. I missed schoolies & so much other stuff that my friends were doing, and after a while they didn't even bother to invite me out anymore. It was a very lonely time.
My Mum said it would get better when the kids started school & made friends....even then all the mothers were older & even though they were friendly there was a big difference.

I don't know if I was ready to be a Mum, just that I managed. I do feel like I did better with my last & will again with this one. I feel like I'm old enough to appreciate what I have now. Even though sometimes I want them all to go away

The only thing I can say to you is that things do change and get better. I have a great circle of friends now, I love my job (although I hear you RR on someone else spending time with them, & I'm not looking forward to leaving my new bub with anyone) -overall I'm pretty happy with my life.

Having said all that I still have days where I have just had enough and I don't want to do it anymore. But they seem to becoming fewer, as I said the best thing is knowing that it passes & gets better.

As for work, I worked part-time 2 days a week until DS2 started school. Once I have had this baby i will go back 2-3 days a week. TBH I'm torn - we need the money, so that's the first thing, also DH & a lot of other people who know me agree it's better for me in myself to work, I'm a much better person for it. But I HATE the idea of leaving this baby with anyone even for half a day. You can only do what suits you, but if you're feeling like it might benefit you, why not look at part-time or job share? Remember too that what's good for Mum is most often best for the kids (eww how many times have I heard that, but it's true...)

Try & give yourself 'time out' where you can - I know this is really hard, as I said we have no family nearby and my 'time out' consists of sitting up at night when I should be sleeping! But whatever you can do for yourself is worth it.

Wow... big post.. I didn't know I still felt so much about it

Anyway to you

[Turkish Delight]

Coming to work

Gives me a break and i actually get to sit down.

[Arcadia]

I just wanted to say, even though I was 25 when I had DD, I still feel left out of my circle of friends, and feel there are things I am missing out on. My DD was very much planned, and I even wanted to have her earlier, but I just didn't realise how far away from having kids most of my friends are. My 2 best friends cried when I told them I was pregnant...and not from joy either.

Its so hard when you find yourself on a journey you weren't quite expecting, and without the support you need or even expected. I just think about the amazing gift I am giving my DD though...the gift of youth. i might not be as wise or set up as some of the older mummies, but I am still young and I can give her heaps of siblings!!

My mum had 3 kids by 25, and now at 50 she has a PhD and is a lecturer at university...she travels with her work and has been overseas a few times now (and not stayng in crappy backpackers either). It just shows there is no right way to go about this parenting journey, and that there will be plenty of time for you to do all the things you dreamed of.

You're doing an amazing job of being a mum, and I bet your friends will turn to you when they have their kids and look at you with awe thinking "how on earth did she do that so young?"

[fionas]

I went back to work part-time when DD was 12 months old and at the time, that was the best thing for me to do to keep me sane. DP is a shiftworker so I didn't get much of a break from DD, the house was a complete disaster (every room needed something doing to it) and DD was/is very active. At 10 months old she could climb on to the dining table so nothing was safe. I couldn't leave her alone for two minutes, literally.

So I really needed a change of environment where I could also do what I wanted, when I wanted and not have to wait until she was having a nap before doing washing, loading the dishwasher etc. etc.

Now, I think that it's clicked with me that when she's up and about I might not be able to do the stuff around the house that I want/need to do but I can when she's in bed and about an hour after she's gone to bed at night, I start to miss her. Mind you, if you don't get your time until 10pm, that would be really, really rough as is doing it all on your own.

Don't be too hard on yourself - you've got a really tough gig at the moment but my best advice is to work out if there's anything at all you can do to get some time to yourself while someone minds your kids - even if it's just for a couple of hours a week.

As for the age thing - it's hard to know. I think the biggest thing that life has taught me is that things change - I know that DD won't be a toddler who ignores virtually everything I say forever. One day in the not too distant future she will be dressing herself, going to school and the full on-ness will pass.

Having said that, being an older mum also meant that I was a bit over the workplace. Politics, game-playing, starting projects that don't get finished because someone changes their mind ... all that stuff means that I don't really get much satisfaction from my work anymore. Been there, done that. So even though I did go back to work after DD, I'm about to pack it in again because TBH I do get more satisfaction from spending time with DD. If I'd been younger though, I don't think I'd have that perspective and it's hard not to be able to do pursue your dreams.

I just want to say a bit more about "things change". In my mid-30s, I had a nervous breakdown and spent a lot of time getting drunk in pubs. I spoke to lots of different people and honestly, although I wouldn't want to relive those days, they were really my life education. I met so many people from teachers to thieves with so many different stories and it really taught me that we all have different paths and most of us get there in the end. The thief's dream was to be a fireman and he was taking baby steps towards that.

So sometimes, what keeps me sane is to look at the big picture. Right now, I'm not that happy with life. I'm not depressed but there are many things that I'm finding quite difficult. But I know that this is just a phase in my life. I may feel like this for a few years but at some point, things will change again for the better. In the meantime, I just need to keep taking baby steps towards that.jgj