stopping expressing

[belfie]

so we've been exclusively expressing since about 8 weeks, and made it to 9 months - which was one of many goals along the way.

I THINK it's time to stop. I think my DH thinks it's time to stop. But I'm still having difficulty thinking this through and working out what I want to do. And I keep feeling like well if I CAN keep going, I should keep going. BUT, I seem to be struggling with my mood over the last few months, I'm currently going through some tests for diabetes (stressful after GD in my PG), and I'm back at work in 8 weeks. So many reasons to stop.

I was thinking I would slowly reduce DS's EBM and giving him FF would be good for his system, allowing it to adjust. But I was going to only express twice today (I've been doing 3 times a day) but I made it to now, and I felt too full, so I'm doing a short express. Plus, I just had a pang because my pump attachments were sitting in the sink all day because I hadn't used them! Honestly, I think I'm kinda scared my supply will drop too quick and there will be suddenly no EBM before I'm mentally prepared IYKWIM. And this makes me wonder if I am ready or not?

My supply has never been a long way ahead of DS, and I've found taking RLT very useful. I think just stopping the RLT(which I have the last 2 days) and also cutting back expresses to 3 a day has already had an impact.

Then I think...oh maybe I could still express twice a day & take RLT... but then I think that maybe mentally I need to just stop altogether. Then I think I'm being selfish . Add to this that DS has eczema & hives (unknown cause) and DH reacts to milk protein and I have fructose malabsoprtion - we had many reasons to try and give him the best start possible (don't we all though really?).


Pros & cons of stopping:
Pros:

• It would probably good for my sex life with DH to NOT be on a pump 3-4 times a day
• Give me some "me" time before I go back to work
• DS's system will probably need to cope with some FF again at some stage (he did have some FF up until about 10 weeks old), so doing this now gives us time to do it gradually and see how we go (and back out if needed!)
• I don't know if the constant effort/timing/planning is adding to my stress too much
• I don't know how I could manage a morning pump once I go back to work (it's an early start, I don't know how I could manage it).
• Am I just being a martyr to this darn pump?

Cons:

• It's good for DS - particularly with his skin & our food sensitivities
• He has hardly ever been sick and he is a very "snuffly" boy, so I think the EBM has helped there.
• It's good for my metabolism & weight loss
• does reduce diabetes risk with improved insulin metabolism)
• I'd hate to "gain" the pumping time only to lose it looking after a sick boy!
• It makes me feel really good about myself as a mum, that I've given him this gift

Sorry this is really waffly, but it's helping to get my thoughts out. I'm just taking my 110ml to the fridge...so small I just don't know if I'm ready to do this or not. My head says yes, but my heart... I just don't know

I thought of ringing the ABA but I felt like they'd just try to talk me into keeping going (i'm probably projecting).

Thanks for putting up with my waffle.

[STARRYSKY]

hi belfie, I didnt want to read all that and then not post, but im not much help sorry hun, I hope you come to a decision thats suits you and your ds, with the least amount of stress possible.
lots of big squishy hugs, maybe ring the ABA if you feel you are up to it, im sure they will be very understanding. xx

[ezymay]

Ah Belfie my fellow EE buddy! I posted my stopping thread today too!!! I feel terribly guilty but I really feel for me its time, so feel a bit good about as well. IYKWIM.
From friday I am just going to express for comfort. I think..that's the plan, will see what happens. I am down to 2 times a day now anyway. I have been slowly introducing the formula. Mixing the 2 together. I can understand what you mean about stopping the RL. I stopped the motillium and was surprised at how much my supply dropped. I didn't really wean off the meds like your supposed to tho.
The morning pump before work was going to be too much so that was one of my reasons too.

What ever you decide to do know you have done a GREAT job!!!!

[MantaRay]

oh hun, what a big decision! You have done such an awesome job and you should be very proud. I had to exclusively express for just 2 days and I was exhausted, so I really have a lot of admiration for you.

Obviously only you can make the decision, but I hope it's helped you to write your thoughts out. It doesn't have to be all or nothing, but only you can decide what is going to work for you. FWIW I am pretty sure the ABA counsellor wouldn't try to talk you into continuing, so if you think it would help to talk to someone, by all means give the helpline a call.

I wish you all the very best with this decision hun.

[Jennifer13]

belfie, I think you've done an amazing job (you too ezymay!) and should be very proud of yourself. Just the fact that you are considering this so carefully is a testament to how much you put your DS's needs before your own.

and support for you, whatever you decide. And hun, the ABA is there to support weaning mothers as well, weaning is a part of our bfing journey, no matter when it happens, so I'm sure they'll have some good advice for you.

[Mak]

Belfie - what an amazing job you have done! Whatever you decide please don't feel guilty (easier said than done I know).
Make the decision that is right for you - it is such an emotional decision though. Take care and be kind to yourself.

PS I love your lists - something I do all the time!

[belfie]

thanks for all the kind responses & ploughing through my waffle (glad there's someone else who writes lists!)

Well I'd pretty much decided to go ahead, and while it's taken me all week to sort out which formula, I'd kinda started cutting back already, so my fridge reserves have disappeared. I rang ABA today just to talk through the physical mechanics of the best way to cut down... less expresses versus shorter expresses and I think the shorter expresses are the way to go for me. It also made me realise how much I can separate the two processes - what he drinks vs what i express.

So i gave him formula today and he didn't like it, so I snuck it into the EBM and he was ok with that. And I'd decided to phase in the equivalent of 1 FF extra per week. But then the ABA lady mentioned that even a bit of EBM for a bit longer is still beneficial... and I thought well I could try to save my freezer reserves to extend the time... rather than using them in the last week or so. But every time I talk to DH I feel like he really doesn't get it. His mother never BF'ed and was never all that supportive of what I've done. DH was super supportive for the first 6 months (could not have done it without his support) but now I don't think he sees the need.. and I've noticed his support has dropped off. And I'm finding it harder to manage as DS sleeps less anyway.

When I mentioned earlier that I felt DH didn't understand, he promptly said, yes I do, you feel blah blah blah - and it was nothing like how I feel! (which I told him). So I guess I'm feeling really frustrated. I feel like he wants me to stop and the lack of support is contributing to me stopping... plus the fact i've a 2 hr return commute when I go back to work next month adn I don't think i could fit expressing in.

So tonight I was just thinking aloud about this concept of using the reserves to extend DS's EBM a bit longer... then I thought... wow, what if I expressed at my normal full-time rate (so to speak) for a bit longer and got enough for him to have even one EBM feed per day till he was 1? but that would mean about 3 litres in the freezer and I've never had that much. But briefly I thought this was really exciting, cos TBH I'd always kinda wished we could make his 1st b'day. And DH just laughed!!!! I think he thinks I just get carried away with all this goal setting. So now i'm just confused. And upset. And I dont' know what i want to do, and I think giving DS formula again today was difficult and DH doesn't appreciate that (even though I did point it out). And I guess I read stuff about weaning but it's all about people who are BF'ing and I just feel like an odd little fish doing something weird, that nothing normal seems to apply to even though I still have my own feelings of sadness (and difficulty) at letting this go. I think the ABA lady thought it was really all very simple when you don't have a child BF'ing in the picture (and I guess in comparison it is), but it doesn't feel that simple to me.

Sorry this is more long waffle... but it has helped to get it out - so thanks for plodding through.

[paradise lost]

Maybe that ABA lady doesn't see it, but i do hun! I had to wean before i was ready (no supply TO pump) and i felt so sad when i weaned. I would expect ANY mum to feel somewhat sad TBH.

As for your dilemma.... Why not cut down to 2 pumpings a day (morning and evening?) and see how you go? It sonds lik 12 months is a big goal for you, and it's true that ANY EBM is good for him, eve if you're getting 100mls a day it will give him great immunities and be worthwhile. You're rearranged your life around pumping for a long time, and you're done a bloody INCREDIBLE job feeding BM to your boy. Maybe now it's time for you to arrange the pumping around yor life, so you're slowly phasing into the next bit of life/toddlerhood, rather than itbeing an all or nothing, kwim? Most women who BFed i know weaned soooo slowly. One day they were down to 1-2 feeds a day and some kids stopped a month after that, some not for a year or more. It's ok to pump a little less, give a little FF, and see how you feel.

Massive hugs and a huge congratulatoy knock-you-down pat on the back for all you've done thus far in feeding hun. Mwah!

Bx

[belfie]

Massive hugs and a huge congratulatoy knock-you-down pat on the back for all you've done thus far in feeding hun. Mwah!

Bx

Awww thanks! I've got that big goofy smile on my face now!!!! gotta say that's the best pat on the back I've had!

Well I talked it over with DH in bed last night (posting did help me organise my thoughts) and voila, got up this morning and my pump attachments had been washed tehehe. He's gonna think on it for a day or so. I'm gonna think on it for a day or so, but yes, keeping going at a low level does seem like a good solution.
We also realised that I've been the one talking to the health professionals and getting the indication that even a bit of BM is better than nothing. DH actually admitted he thought it didn't make that much difference any more... but the dietician told me that they've found with coeliac's disease for e.g. that even a bit of BM whilst intro'ing foods is very protective.

Thanks again Bx

[Mak]

It is not an easy decision - and one you do not have to rush into. It is such a personal decision too. Unfortunately people seem to forget all the thoughtful consideration that mums put into their decision making processes. Just make sure you leave room for any changes. I had some supply issues once I returned to work - this was complicated by a very unsupportive team and environment, I found this really distressing and felt like a complete failure along with all the other stresses of returning to work when I simply couldn't express anymore. I can be a control freak and was under quite some pressure at the time due to changes within the work place.
Just make sure you don't put too much pressure on yourself....you have done and will continue to do a fabulous job, no matter what happens.
You are a champ - that is one spunky boy in your sig. Remembe to celebrate the successes you have daily too!!

[belfie]

um I think I've decided not to stop. Lol. Silly me. I've been re-researching... and I dont' think I'm ready to stop.

Mak - thanks for the post, much appreciated. I'm really sorry to hear you had a rough time of it when you returned to work.

I figure I can continue expressing 3-4 times a day and then cut down to maybe 2 expresses once I return to work (or in the couple of weeks preceding) and see how I go with that. But then again, it is a female perogative to change one's mind . I'll sit with it for a day or two. And I am very proud of myself and what I've achieved so far... I guess I think at the end of the day, I can still do it - 3 expresses a day is leaving time for my own lifestyle and I just can't stop thinking about the benefits he gets from the BM. I'm ok if I have to supplement him with a little formula, I'd just like him to have predominantly EBM.

[Janie]

I think you are amazing Belfie And I can 'hear' through this thread, your mind ticking, and see you slowly coming to your decision, which sounds like a brilliant one! Continuing at a lesser level means that you don't really have to make a decision at all, you just keep doing what you've been doing, but in a way that is practical for you and your family . You KNOW all the benefits, you don't need me to tell you, but as a mum of a child with allergies, I can tell you that you'll be very happy you've continued. For however long you're able to, one week, or one month, whatever it is. And don't forget, you are soooooo close to not needing formula at all!!! But I think that using it in the meantime is great if it helps you to keep on expressing, in anyway at all .

Oh, and FWIW, I think goal-setting can be fantastic, and very inspirational when you're doing something that can be such hard work!!! Good for you

[belfie]

well I'm back in the game - so this thread shouldn't really be in here

I've delayed going back to work by a month, as i still think expressing would be difficult to manage with a 2 hour return commute! Work were very supportive (I'm lucky there) of letting me delay, in light of his worsening eczema & hives. So I'm back expressing full-time properly again IYKWIM. DS had 3 days with a bit of FF but we're back to f/t EBM again. The new goal is till he's 1 . Oh and I think I'm going to treat myself to a new maternity bra to celebrate lol!

And once I'd made the decision, and work were good - I felt really really great! I'm so happy I can do this to DS. I never thought I'd go this long. And DH has really come around too, and has been washing my pump attachments morning & night to prove his support

Thank you all again so much for your support as I worked this through - very very much appreciated
Belfie & a grateful EBM-guzzling boy

[Janie]

Wow Belfie, good for you!!! What a turnaround LOL. Sounds like you have a good plan in place, and have LOTS of support (if only all workplaces were so accommodating ) which we all know is soooooo important. I hope with all of this in place you can continue expressing for your boy for as long as you want to