Hi all!
Firstly, mods if this in the wrong place please move it
Ok, so I have a major issue with my mother and I am desperately in need of some advice!!
Bit of background: *mum and I have always had a rocky relationship *its just me, mum and bro *mums an alcoholic *she kicked out of home at 17...
So...
for the last 9yrs I have tried really hard to make a reelationship work with my mum, even though we have had our fights and make ups. When I fell pregnant with DD i became determined to make sure there was always a relationship there so that DD would have the chance to grow up knowing her nanna. But last sept, mum came down to stay with us, to celebrate DD 1st birthday, and to help us move to QLD (which would be near mum, but this never happened due to other things out of our control). This visit ended with a major fight, with DH and I asking mum to leave. (for quite a while mum has become an angry drunk, and basically starts up at you for absolutely nothing, and thats what happened, except this time instead of it lasting just the night, it lasted almost a week before we had had enough)
Since then things were pretty bad with us, but because of DD I decided to bit my tongue and just let it go.. But in march of this year I just gave up on the relationship. Im tired of being bullied, verbally and mentally abused and just treated poorly if I do not follow what is expected of me.
To make things worse DH changed jobs in march which ended with us having an extended stay with his parents. This had only just ended a couple of weeks ago, because we just couldnt get a house of our own in the area, so we've moved again and are now in our own house (YAY)
So in the time since march mum and I havent talked and my brother has now involved himself into things and things have got quite worse. They both only call me when they've both been drinking, I dont answer the phone but they leave some very unsavory messages for us. Then once they dont get hold of me, they call the relos who then call me and tell me that my mum called them late at night, drunk and abused them.
To top it all off the other day my brother calls DHs phone on a different number... DH didnt know who it was so asked, bro abused him for it, then went on to say that DH needs to stop his parents from brainwashiing me and let me talk to my family, then asked why they werent good enough for us to come and visit them, call them and all that stuff.
This devastated DH, he really likes my bro, and didnt like any of the things that were been said to him. he just didnt know what to do.
So heres my problem, Im 31 weeks pregnant, its 3 weeks til DD 2nd birthday. They keep calling, and i know I should just tell them how I feel but Im tired of it always being turned around so that Im at fault, and their faultless. I cant deal with this stress, this hasnt been the best of pregnancies due to everything else going on, and I just cant take it anymore...
What should I do?? I know I need to do something and soon!!
maybe, last night i called our provider and asked them to get rid of my message bank, DH is going to do the same when he gets a spare minute. Thankfully our home number isnt known to them just yet!
have you bspoken to your dr about the stress?
also maybe front her and tell ehr how her behaviour is affecting her ring her when you think she will be sober so she can actually understand what is being said.
im so sorry your going through this.
im in moss vale so if you ever need a chat or coffee im available,
wow! I know this isn't what you want to do, but i would change all phone numbers and try and cease contact completely. You can't have that type of stress when your pregnant or when you have a newborn - its just not right.
I wouldn't want my children, or my husband to be exposed to such things... so in my mind, you've tried.. thats all you could have done.
As for them ringing our other relatives, maybe you could suggest they also change their numbers? OR if they don't think thats necessary, then simply ask them not to call and tell you about the abusive calls.
Honey, I know how you feel, my Mum has had quite a LOT of issues relating to alcohol too.
Can I tell you something, and it may not be right for your situation, but it has worked for me...
I had a LOT going on when I was pg last year too.
My parents were seperating, I had HG morning sickness, and then my Dad was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer also, on top of this I was working 12 hour days in 45 degree heat and dealing with a 5yr old also.
My mum was like a rollercoaster.... up down, drunk, angry, sad, depressed, happy...you name it every emotion. She had been like this for about 7 years.
I was slowly and surely building up a whole lot of repressed anger, frustration, GUILT (this is the one that is the hardest to deal with), I was ashamed, I was hurt. My heart would skip a beat when the phone would ring at night, because I knew it would be Mum with another "episode"...she would threathen suicide etc, we have had to call the police to do a welfare check on her numerous times, she has lied about terrible things that she has said have happened to her etc.
I always kept a barrier between us because this was the only way I could cope. I would try and give her advice, but she took this as me attacking her etc. I would cry myself to sleep praying that I could have my Mum back again...my normal one.
I then just gave up......I thought about not having contact but then realised she is my Mum, and she has some problems and issues, and that we are all probably a few bad decisions away from being in the same position...
I then had to do the hardest thing that I have ever done......JUST LOVE HER UNCONDITIONALLY.
When she called ranting and raving, I didn't try and judge, or give advice, or fight back, I just listened. I would make the effort to call her, and to spend time with her. I bought her some little gifts, and if I NEEDED ADVICE I would call HER to ask...
I didn't let myself get angry or upset, I made a decision to not take her issues personally, they were her issues not mine. I realised that while I was not responsible for her or her actions, I did have a responsibility as her daughter to just love her no matter what.....if I was in her position I would expect the same from her.
I still put my family first in a lot of instances, but made sure I made time for her. Luckily my DH has always had a lot more patience with her than I, so he was supportive also.
6 months on, and our relationship is the best it has been in years. She doesn't drink as much, she hasn't called all drunk and upset for ages and ages, and the time we spend together I really enjoy. She has always been an excellent Grandma despite her issues, but now she is even better. I have realised that she just wanted to be loved. Pure and simple. It took a lot to swallow the hurt, and believe me there are lots of things that have hurt me deeply, but it was worth it to get my Mum back. She has actually got her life back on track in other areas too, and I think that this is because she no longer feels alone.
Anyway, this is just my story, but I hope it helps. I have a real "peace" in my life now.
Last edited by Sweet Bliss; August 27th, 2009 at 05:08 PM.
: grammar!
Great post Bliss I am doing this too with my mother in a way... just trying really hard not to take things personally... it's not about me, it's about her. I've tried the no-contact thing, didn't work. Still, you do need to set boundaries. Tell them calmly that you will talk as long as they are not abusive. As soon as the name-calling starts just say: "I'll speak to you when you are not upset". In the Relationships section of BB there is a sticky thread called "10 Rules of Fighting Fairly" this is a good set of boundaries to ask people to stick to.
it's not easy... but no-contact isn't easy either. Be true to yourself and know that there anger is NOT about you... it's about them. Good luck darl
Well I'm about to have my first kid and wasn't sure what to do about my alcoholic father. I wanted my kid to have a grandfather and was kind of thinking maybe I could just put up with him for the sake of the kid and then he'd probably die before the kid would be old enough to realise Grandpa had issues. Very cynical I know!
Instead for the first time ever I spoke to my dad about alcohol and called him on his behaviour. Said that he was welcome to be a part of our lives and see his grandson when he arrives, but it had to be sober. He was not to drink around me. Then I told him that he said mean and horrid things drunk and it just was awful.
It was a long shot - but he turned up with a bunch of flowers on my door step, told me he loved me and was sorry for any hurt caused. I mean, that doesn't cure 31 years of crap parenting, but he stayed sober the entire time he visited. And then asked if he could come back once every two weeks for the night. And so far...no drinking. Gradually I've started to relax around him and he's been busy helping me around the house. It's kinda like a truce and we eat takeaway and watch TV together and I'm quite proud of him for trying. My sister found out that is was going okay so agreed to meet him too - the day before her own first child was born. And then she's let him meet her child now and we took photos of him and the kid and had a family morning or it with no issue. Amazing.
So I've my fingers crossed for you - but in my situation I'd have no doubts of telling my Dad to stay away if he was drunk again.
Kawazuki- I think that is my plan thus far, although finding the right time is the hard bit at the moment. Thats so funny that you're in moss vale! we've just moved from there! Since march we had been in mittagong staying with DH's folks, Dh was working in moss vale. We couldnt find a house down there and Dhs work kept on stuffing us around so we've moved to Cessnock. But we head back down that way quite often so I may just take you up on that offer one day!
I havent talked to a dr about it all, mainly because of moving and not having a dr at the moment; but for me I really need to trust anyone before I can confess this sort of stuff.
Tellytubby- Part of the reason that I stopped the contact was because I didnt want to expose my family to it any longer, thats why Im finding it hard to make a decision as to what to do. I dont want to expose them to it any longer, yet I dont want to end it all together
Sweet Bliss- I do love her unconditionally. That being said though, I love her because she is my mum, I do not respect and love the person that she is. if that makes sense. What you are doing with your mum is exactly what I have been doing with my mum, and its hard. DH and I have done so much for her, and he is so supportive with every aspect of this. He's put up with it for 9yrs, and the other day after the phone call with my bro that he actually said something!
You are an amazing person for wat you are doing and I am so glad that it is all going so well!
Bathsheba- Thank you; I will have a look at the sticky after this. I know the anger is about them and not me, its just hard not to personalise it i think.
Tecopa- I am so happy for you! Unfortuantely I already have done that one, calling her out on it all and the worse thing is, is that she doesnt seem to have any issues with her drinking problem and when DD was born I asked her what she wanted to DD to call her and she said 'the naughty nanny'. In other words the one who doesnt play by the rules, is the one who gets into trouble and all that stuff!!
Thank you all again, I think that I am going to call her, and I suppose the sooner the better. The past tells me that when I tell her what has been going on and how I feel, i know it will start a fight; but at least then I will have told her how I feel, yet if I say nothing then I am still in the same position as I am now, and open to further upsets by them in the future..
Good luck sweetie. There is no right or wrong in your situation, and I am thinking of you. You really do have to follow your own instincts and put your family first. Just state your case on the phone, calmly if you can, and the rest is up to her. It is so hard when you end up having to Mother your own Mother. I know you love your Mum sweet, because otherwise it wouldn't be so hard for you. And the other thing I wanted to stress is please, please, please don't feel guilty, you have nothing to feel guilty about, you have your life to live too. At least we have both learnt valuable lessons on how to be Mothers ourselves, even if we have learnt the hard way. I hope things can work out for you, and please try and take some time for yourself, because you deserve it, and you also deserve to enjoy every minute of meeting your new miracle and your gorgeous child!
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You were RAK'ed in 2015.
family timebomb warning its long!!
I am doing this too with my mother in a way... just trying really hard not to take things personally... it's not about me, it's about her. I've tried the no-contact thing, didn't work. Still, you do need to set boundaries. Tell them calmly that you will talk as long as they are not abusive. As soon as the name-calling starts just say: "I'll speak to you when you are not upset". In the Relationships section of BB there is a sticky thread called "10 Rules of Fighting Fairly" this is a good set of boundaries to ask people to stick to.
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