Today I quit being an emotionally withdrawn person

[skeetaboat]

I have realised of late that I find it very difficult to be *in the moment*. I tune out, switch off, go into a daze, withdraw, etc. I don't communicate well in any of my relationships and I find it hard to be 'present', if that makes sense?

It's not until I noticed my 2.5 year old DS doing some of the same when he's not coping with a situation that I really recognised this problem. I was blind to it until very recently.

So, now that I see it, I want to stop doing it. I want to learn to be present and not off in la-la land.

Since the light flipped on, I've realised that as a result of this behaviour I have very few relationships, and the ones I do have, suffer. This is despite the fact that I enjoy people and would like to have good relationships and close friendships. I also find it hard to play with DS and stay engaged in activities with him. Right now, the effect of my withdrawn behaviour on DS's emotional & social development, as well as the quality of our relationship are my two main concerns and what I most want to fix by addressing this problem of mine.

Bit of background - I felt like I was a great mum to him until I started getting really tired and frustrated with breastfeeding when he was about 1.5-2 years (I think I was also a bit depressed). I started putting distance between us with daycare & babysitters to help with weaning, then I returned to work, then I had another baby (all in the space of about 6-8 months) and suddenly I've woken up feeling heart-broken that I pushed my beautiful little baby away, and in that time he has become a little boy. A little boy who has learned to live without attentiveness from mummy. I guess maybe he would have gone through some of this growing up and becoming more independent process anyway, but I feel like I have distanced him emotionally, and as a result, he's gotten used to that and doesn't seek me out.

Anyway, I wanted to start this thread to kinda track progress and keep me accountable.

I'm going to:
*do at least one activity every day, just me and him, WITHOUT letting my mind wander off
* take him to the park at least once a week and play with him on the equipment
* take him to a playgroup and get involved with the other kids to model some social skills (instead of tuning out and being uninvolved like I often do in social situations).
* do something silly at least once a day that makes him laugh
* take him to swimming lessons & get in the water with him (not on the sidelines watching)
* cut down my work hours
* limit TV & computer use

SO, TODAY I QUIT BEING A PARENT FROM THE SIDELINES & made a huge effort to play with him, and be engaged. At the end of the day he instigated book reading and we sat together for half an hour talking about the book and his toys. He hasn't done that for ages, it was lovely.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading.

[smiles4u]

... i just wanted to say good on YOU for finding the path in being able to pull yourself out of the place you no longer want to be other than where you are going now ... and ALL the things you have mentioned to do with your gorgeous DS are ALL wonderful things they usually love & enjoy doing at that age ... i do understand 2.5years is certainly not the easiest age, OMG i thought my DD had been swapped with someone's else's child at this age but they do get better especially when they able to communicate better with you and don't feel ' as ' frustrated.

Just remember to not put a heap of pressure on yourself if you don't get to do all the things on your wonderful list ... just even by doing a few of them to start with is a better start then none at all.

I hope you feel PROUD of yourself for being able to make that wonderful start & more importantly that you yourself feel GOOD about it too

ENJOY your DS ... they grow so quickly, & be kind to yourself in the process (although it sounds you will anyway)

[blackduckies]

Congratulations!!!!
some people will never realize this. It is very easy when youare busy to push those you love and who love you the furthest away, and sometimes even though you mean well it will still happen. But being aware means it won't constantly happen...at some point I realized that I had become my father???? I have a constant challenge on my hands to stay aware and not continue those behaviours, but occasionly I realize I have done it and beat myself up. Best of luck and don't be too hard on yourself if it does'nt happen all the time, just brush off and start again.

[thepixie]

I wanted to say congratulations too - for recognising the pattern and making a plan to change. I'm sure you will enjoy your closer relationship with your son and everything in life by being more present.

[slyder]

Respect! Good work.

[skeetaboat]

Thanks everyone for your support.

Day 2 went well, too. We started swimming. He loved it and is already looking forward to next week. He was hanging around me today afterwards too so it already feels like it's paying off and helping to improve our relationship.

DH noticed him do the 'shutdown' today when we had friends with kids over and they were playing in the yard. DS got overwhelmed with an activity they were doing, and just stood there staring blankly (the other kids are quite boisterous compared to our DS who is more of a quiet one). This shut down thing has really got us worried. Is it just his age and the fact that he doesn't yet have well-develpped coping skills and social skills? Can we teach him not to do it or arm him with skills to cope better? We're worried that if he doesn't stop doing this he'll get crucified at school.

[slyder]

Sounds like me as a kid. I found socialising as a young'un very difficult, and even now I can find certain situations overwhelming, but I turned out alright.

Don't worry too much, just support him and love him and encourage him and make him feel comfortable and confident and things will follow in time. Not everyone is wired to enjoy the more intense social moments in life.

[skeetaboat]

I wanted to say congratulations too - for recognising the pattern and making a plan to change. I'm sure you will enjoy your closer relationship with your son and everything in life by being more present.

Thanks Pixie, you're right, I'm already enjoying everything a lot more. It feels like I've suddenly woken up & felt the light of day. I feel so ALIVE! Realising what a wet rag I was before though Ahwell, onwards & upwards.

If anyone else reading this happens to have a similar problem, I highly recommend making a plan to rectify it. It's so very worth it.

[synergygirl]

Congrats on being so insightful Skeetaboat.

Your plan for interaction is fantastic and what a pure joy it must have been when both you and DS has 'together' time reading together and DS talking with you about his toys.

It appears that you. I guess it really did feel like the 'light went on' but dont be so hard on yourself. You have 2 small children fairly close together and you have an extraordinary amount of life happenings with breast feeding/weaning/breasfeeding plus work and daycare.

I remember my Mum saying to me when I had my little ones. 'Enjoy the moment because you will turn around one day and they will be grown up and you will wonder where it all has gone'. You have discovered this super fast when you recognised how your DS was no longer a baby but a little boy. He most likely has had to adjust to not being the only one with the arrival of your new one. That has also probably contributed to the little boy/not baby anymore

Please don't be so critical of yourself. There are so many pressures on new Mums and it sounds like you are trying so hard to be the perfect Mummy. Just remember too that to your LO you are the epitome of 'perfect Mum'.

On reflection of your comment about being 'not there' 'lala land' remember also the incredible changes your physical and mental psyche has experienced.

Just take it a one small amount at a time. You are doing great

One other thing I have found is that being the Mum can give you the 'excuse' to actually play and experience as your DS does. It's great to actually splash each other, laugh out loud, even really enjoy the stories you read together. It will even take you back to when your read books and played games as a LO yourself.

A major point you must make is also to have 'Skeetaboat' time. Something other than being the Mum/homemaker/partner/lover/employee and do something that you enjoy. Maybe something you used to do even before you were with your partner. Maybe playing a sport or a hobby. There are many sports that you would probably find locally where a group of Mums get together and even take your LOs too. Perhaps they even have someone there who wll care for the little ones while you participate. Even maybe having lunch together. It will get everyone out, you enjoy something you had forgotten about that you really loved.

The swimming lessons sound great too and DS would love having you get in and wet too.

Go girl

[fionas]

FANTASTIC plan! Sometimes if I'm having a rough day and realise I'm not spending enough one-on-one time with DD because I'm thinking about other stuff, I get in the bath with her. Forces me to really live in the moment and just enjoy the bath and splashing around.

[skeetaboat]

Hey everyone. Thanks for your support, and the reminders not to be too hard on myself.

First week in, and things are great. I've managed to do most of the things on my list (Can't wait for swimming again, that was my fav). It's really not that hard to live in the moment, and what's more, everything is so much more enjoyable!! Most importantly, DS has been so much more lively and interactive, running around, singing songs, engaging me in play, etc. He seems to be back to his old happy-go-lucky self. I'm so relieved that I haven't scarred & emotionally stunted him for life, and that helping him be less withdrawn is as easy as remembering not to be withdrawn myself.

Thanks again, this is a wonderful community xxx

[smiles4u]

... That's just the most gorgeous news & i'm so glad for you that you are feeling so much better on the inside ... YOU are doing an amazing job as a Mumma !!!

Always feel proud that you made that step ... and hey, look at the FUN you are now having