No more... All mothers please read!

[Rouge]

Bad Mother's Club
Am I bad Mother
World's Worst Mother

Threads PLEASE! I think it's doing some of our heads in!

Now you can choose to take this badly if you've done this, however, this is not an attack... this is guidance.

NO ONE here needs to question themselves in such a negative light. There is no award for who feels the worst with regards to mistakes, or parenting choices they regret. You will NOT receive more support or sympathy for winning any bad mother's stake.

It just makes me sad. Really sad.

Look for support, look for reassurance look for advice, but you can do this without any of these awfully negative terms.

What do you think your children will think or feel if they overheard you on the phone saying to a gf that you were a bad mother. To say that so simply and yet they see you as god? How confusing and possibly distressing do you think that could be?

Why do I see this as a problem? Because I was that mum, I did say those things. And I watched my daughter cry because she thought she had done something to make me think I was a bad mum, because as far as she was concerned (as all kids are) I am the BEST mum in the world And just like it would hurt us to hear our children say "I am the worst son/daughter" it hurts them the same way. But wouldn't you rather your child say to you "Mum I'm really sorry I did xyz, I love you very much and wouldn't want to hurt you." and mistakes should be opportunities to talk about what we can do in the future. Yes talk about how bad it has made you feel, but also focus on what you can do to achieve something better in the future. Be gentle to yourself as you would to your children, they deserve to see that so they have a great example for themselves.



This post has been inspired by a wonderful woman... if she chooses to be named I'll add her name here later

[ladybird11]

I agree.

Lets think positive and get rid of the negatives in our sistahood (or motherhood!)..

[kelebek]

I do think that there is a lot of negativity around and that our language is important.

I wonder though if this is something that should be in the emotional development area then a general area cause when you are in that moment where you feel like the WWM or are wondering if YAABM or a member of the BMC it can be hard to rephrase your thoughts in such a way that you turn that negative into a positive.

I do think it is a great thing to aim for so instead of feeling bad because bubba had weetbix for tea that I can be greatful that he had calcium from the milk and plenty of fibre and it isnt going to hurt for one night

[Glamourcide]

I reiterate my desire for BB to have a 'like' button

Thanks, Cai Very wise words. And yes, ladies, you ARE all fantastic mums, so there! Don't ever doubt it. We all screw up, because we're human. But our babies love us as much as we love them. And that's the most important thing.

[Rouge]

I moved it for you kelebek, I was trying to give it as much attention as possible but you are right!

[Queen]

So true. Thanks for the leading hand!

[Rouge]

Don't give me the credit here... it's really not my sole idea... as I said I was inspired

[Bathsheba]

I agree! And yes, it's good that it's in this section (was it in the General one?) as it will probably be seen for longer... that General thread has such a fast turnover things get lost.

Well said Cai and credit to your inspiration too!

[Oorki Galoorki]

Thankyou Thankyou Thankyou(if i had started a similar thread i would have been barrel rolled for it not coming out right ). I to get the heebie jeebies seeing mums asking for sympathy about their own choices.
Please be confident in what you choose. if your not sure, hold off(generally its ok to wait a few hours or days to make a decision)
Only you and your family have to live with your choices and when you publish them you may get opposition to it but YOU have to have control.

[widdly]

great idea Rouge.

Ellissa, well said

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Cheers Rouge. Good call.

kelebek: weetabix for tea is considered bad in some circles? OK, let's forget I do that one now... not likely, DS prefers that to anything else.

[Muppity]

Well said ladies.

[Mak]

Great thread - it is amazing how much a change of approach can impact the family dynamics.
Generally people all do the best job they can at the time, with the tools and resources available. I really believe the key is trying to reflect on how you can improve/refine your approach rather than beat yourself up about past events. This can take quite some effort to achieve and is harder without sleep, support, time etc....

Thanks for the reminder and food for thought! x

[Jennifer13]

No one is a 'bad' Mum, just a Mum trying to do their best! It's fine to seek reassurance when you feel you haven't done something perfectly (or as well as you would have liked), but I also agree the use of language is important.

"Whoops, I made a mistake" is very different to labelling yourself as 'bad'.

[Cassius2]

if we are talking about a 'true' way of thinking in terms of everyday emotional input/output as to our self view of parenting then, i agree with your sentiment. we need to give ourselves a break.

But, if we are talking in relation to threads that people put on here seeking reassurance or alternatives then i wholeheartedly disagree with the sentiment. it is way too PC and 'perfectionist'.

what i like about BB is that you can get a chance to express whatever deep hidden self doubts/insecurities taht you may have about the way you are conducting pregnancy, birth and baby. it is a forum that is there for learning. and sometimes when a fear is new and confronting the first thing that you feel is 'bad' or like the 'worst mother' and IMHO it is AOK to come on here and seek some guidance/support/whoop-ass to get you back on track or, alternatively to learn to trust your way. if someone wants to come on here and confide their fears (and have no other way of doing it IRL due to a lack of 'village' then i am all for it and will always strive to help/guide/kick up the butt as much as i can offer.

[Oorki Galoorki]

Cassius usually though if some one gets a kick up the bum when having a "bad" moment then everyone gets on the defensive.

That is why i said be confident in your choices, but if you are not come and get guildance first.. before carying out something your not sure about.

[christy]

Beautifully put my friend. I agree. I have been through a huge emotional journey with this. With our struggles with DD1 prior to getting a diagnosis of Autism, we were told again and again that it was our parenting, and therefore we were bad parents. It was devestating and hurtful. We have overcome that, but not without a journey of deciding that we aren't bad parents.

[Sterla]

if we are talking about a 'true' way of thinking in terms of everyday emotional input/output as to our self view of parenting then, i agree with your sentiment. we need to give ourselves a break.

But, if we are talking in relation to threads that people put on here seeking reassurance or alternatives then i wholeheartedly disagree with the sentiment. it is way too PC and 'perfectionist'.

what i like about BB is that you can get a chance to express whatever deep hidden self doubts/insecurities taht you may have about the way you are conducting pregnancy, birth and baby. it is a forum that is there for learning. and sometimes when a fear is new and confronting the first thing that you feel is 'bad' or like the 'worst mother' and IMHO it is AOK to come on here and seek some guidance/support/whoop-ass to get you back on track or, alternatively to learn to trust your way. if someone wants to come on here and confide their fears (and have no other way of doing it IRL due to a lack of 'village' then i am all for it and will always strive to help/guide/kick up the butt as much as i can offer.

I agree with you Cassius - I've just been trying to work out how to word it all morning .

I think the negative labels need to stop. Really, is anyone a 'bad mother'? You'd have to be pretty shocking to actually have that label. As mothers we all make mistakes and we learn from those mistakes - but those mistakes don't make us bad mothers. We all want what is best for our children, and do the best job we can raising them.

But, like Cassius said, I think it's important that we should be able to come to BB to admit those mistakes, and be given reassurance that it's okay. Not that the mistake was okay, but that the fact we made it is okay, we've learnt from it, and can move on. I always feel much better once I've confided something I've done that I'm not proud of, or wish I'd done differently. It helps me to clarify what I did, how I feel, and what I wish to do in the future.

I'm all for being confident with choices, but a lot of the 'bad mum' threads I've seen haven't really been related to choice. These little mistakes we make aren't always choices - they're the result of us being imperfect human beings. We're all learning, and part of the learning experience is that 'debrief' after a mistake.