How do I stop these negative feelings?

[Doing my best]

This might be a bit long..

Things haven't been the same between DH and me since I was about 3 months pg with DS. I know having kids changes a lot of things, but now when I try to talk to DH he just shuts down, walks away, walks out and won't talk. I know that it is a breakdown on both our parts, but I don't want to feel negative about him or our children..

When I was pg with DS, DD suddenly became a shocking sleeper, so since the beginning of this year, she has slept in bed with either DH or myself. Only a few times have we braved all of us in the same bed cause she is a violent sleeper. Needless to say, our intimate affairs, even something as simple as a cuddle in the night, is almost non existent. We tried sleep school, not that I was really for it, but I couldn't handle the crying. DH was working a lot of nights at the time, I was 7 months pg, and caved. And it took us until about a month ago (so 4 months) to gain her trust back that she would actually sleep the night even with us without checking we were there.

Now that DS is here, I can count the times that DH has helped with him on one hand. I have done all the feeds, all the night get ups, all the upset times. Yes he does take a more active role with DD if I ask him to, but never of his own accord. And now I am at my wits end.

DH goes to work, and is a shift worker, but now his shifts are more bearable, no more night shifts. But when he is home, he is sleeping, on the computer playing games, or watching tv (stuff recorded) that I don't watch and aren't suitable for children (pretty much SCI FI stuff). I have to practically force him to do anything with DD that she wants to do. And he goes off at her for not giving me peace (FFS at him, she wants stories, play kid games, like I do with her, of course she is going to want me all the time). I don't want him to have to take over the home role, but I would like some time to have a shower, or something on my own.

Tonight, I have lost it emotionally. He knows I have some friends coming tomorrow, but he didn't do anything to help make the house look at all decent. I asked him to take DD outside for 15 mins while I vacuumed the floor (she hates the cleaner). He reluctantly agreed. He came in, got his own dinner, not even a thought for DD, and then sat here playing games. All the while, I cleared the benches, got the kids in bed, got the washing on etc.

I have told him that we need to spend less time on the computer, and away from the tv doing things as a family and with the kids. He laughed at me. I then asked him to be honest with me if he is over this whole family thing, he walked off, shut the door to the spare room and hasn't come out. I love my kids, and I am slowly starting to enjoy being at home as a SAHM, but I need my DH back. The one I thought was going to be there for me, to support me being at home (it was him that wanted me to be a SAHM). I have even had a friend offer to watch the kids for us one night to go out to dinner, and if DD is happy enough when we get back to collect DS, keep her overnight. He doesn't even want to do that, not even dinner.

We had one line in our wedding vows that sums up where I want to be "Our life will be a journey, a journey that can only be completed by the two of us together". At the moment it seems we are going our separate ways.. I don't want to feel like this, but if I don't start doing something, I will just start feeling more and more resentment towards him and the children for changing the life I was used to.

Thanks for reading if you got this far, and sorry it is so jumbled..

[Rivlas]

Sorry that you are dealing with this.
If nothing else I would tackle him re just getting his own dinner. Does he think of himself as a family man because if he does his actions do not show it. He has two children and a wife, his family.
Going to bed, will try and get back tomorrow.

[ladybird11]

You've said you've tried talking to him - clearly he needs some improvement or more encouragement in the verbal communication dept .

When all else fails with DH I find a nice card and I'd use some lines of your vows as you've mentioned within the text of it too. That may give him something to dwell and think over - then hopefully the gateways of verbal communication will open up between you both.

Hopefully both of you will be able to start talking and between you work out what his issues are and a remedy for them.

Hope this helps..!

[BellyBelly]

I can strongly recommend Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus. It's all about this type of behaviour men and women do, no matter what they are going through in their life. It's not a funny send up of the differences between men and women, it's very real and has saved my relationship. Things will be very different after you read it... I finally understand how to communicate and help my man do the same, especially what to do when they are in this 'cave'.

[Life is Good]

Oh sweetie, I am so sorry to hear that you are having such a tough time. I don't have any advice, but just wanted you to know that you are in my thoughts and am here for you if and when you are ready to chat xx

[Doing my best]

Thank you..

Things have picked up a little today, and maybe I was hormonal too last night when I let it get to me. We aren't/weren't on the brink of ending it, but communication is required on both our parts to get things back to where we were!

Kelly, will def look at that book for future meltdown moments..

[Lulu]

Oh babe - tell him you need him back xoxoxo

I wouldn't automatically think he doesn't want to be a family man, he might be finding it harder than he thought (happens to lots of us!), he might not be able to find the words.

GL xoxoxo

[Doing my best]

Oh babe - tell him you need him back xoxoxo

I wouldn't automatically think he doesn't want to be a family man, he might be finding it harder than he thought (happens to lots of us!), he might not be able to find the words.

GL xoxoxo

I did about 11o'clock last night..

[BellyBelly]

Yeah it's so frustrating that when men have problems and are dealing with stress, they pull back and go into their cave, whereas women need to talk... even on a hormonal level, the effects are huge. Especially in this day and age, women are becoming more like men, and our brains and bodies aren't coping with it. We have something like 8 times more blood flow to the part of our brain that deals with stress, we don't have as much capacity/storage for our happy hormones and don't make it as easily as men do... so we have to try and make changes so that we can be as happy as we can be. All of this comes down to the way we once lived... women would be together, talking lots and nurture one another while the men went off and hunted. There was not so much stress for women. Those activities created oxytocin and all those other nice happy hormones. But now, we're trying to operate in ways not optimal to our biological programming so women these days are more stressed than they have been in history.