To tell or not to tell ...

[SD2001]

Hi all,

A question (or two) for families who have used anonymous donor sperm and families who are considering using anonymous donor sperm:

Will you tell your children of their unique conception?

If so, typically at what age would you tell them?

If not, do you think "not knowing" will have any effect on them?

Thanks
SD

[buliej]

I would tell - absolutely.

[the rest is my strong opinion] Secrets can destroy families...and secrets usually come out sooner or later - whether it be because the child needs medical treatment and the blood type doesn't match either of the parents or because someone says something that they think is innocuous but reveals that the child is not genetically linked to one or both parents. Or the child learns in biology that 2 blue eyed parents can't have a brown eyed child.

There have been studies about this as well (I have looked into this at great length).
I think that to tell early and not make a big deal of it is important. I have read a book designed for 3-5 year olds - like a story book that explains that they were so much wanted and that mummy and daddy tried and tried and eventually realized they needed help...blah, blah - it was sweet, covered the topic, and appropriately geared to the really young.

[redlady]

We arent personally telling our children. We dont think it will affect them not knowing because we won't be keeping any documentation that we even needed IVF help. This is our personal choice and the counsellor didn't agree or disagree with our decision. She said it was up to us if for what we decide.

I wish you all the best with whatever you decide whether you tell or not. Good luck.

Redlady

[~BecD~]

We will absolutely be telling our children. I 100% agree with buliej on keeping secrets and the studies have proven this.

[SD2001]

... being a donor, I also have to make this decision.

Do I tell my children that I was a SD?
Do I tell them that they have biological half-siblings out there?
How will they handle the idea that they may have up to 20 half-brothers/sisters?
What do I say to my children when they ask "can I meet them" and yet I have never met them either?
If I tell my children then do I have to also tell my relations and friends?
What happens if I do not tell my children and a biological offspring "shows up at the door" in 18 years time, having tracked my family down from the donor registry?

[buliej]

SD - I don't know the answers. BUT you have done a wonderful thing - given someone one of the greatest gifts that there is.

I think that maybe when your children are 12 or 13 you can explain to them that you believe in helping others which help comes in all sorts of forms of help. And in your case it was giving someone some help making a a baby. And that baby was so wanted and so loved. And that baby is the child of its mum and dad (or who ever) and has its own family that loves the baby as much as you love your children and who loves its mummy etc. as much as your children love you. So although they may share some dna they are not part of your family.

I do think the wanting to meet makes things more complicated but not necessarily in a bad way. From what I've read and been told this probably won't be the big deal that you anticipate. Not to say that it is not a big deal but probably not because of the reasons you are worried about.

PS - just because you tell your children doesn't mean you have to tell relations and friends. It's a private matter - you don't need to share it with everyone.

[Cassius2]

In our family it was kept a secret that 2 of the 4 kids were 'different'. they found out. from a neighbour with a vicious tongue. My only wish is that the secret wasnt there in the first place. kids can deal with much more than we give them credit for. and when it does come out (because in my experience it always does) it can tear a family apart. they might rebuild, but there are scars.

[Batcoat]

Yes, of course we will tell, because I believe the children have a right to know the truth.

It will be taken out of the hands of the parents soon, when BD&M VIC takes over the register & starts putting donor conceived on birth certificates. Personally, I'm of the way of thinking that all donor conceived children should receive notification of their conception at around 16 or 18 yrs, so they have the choice to look for their biological parent if they wish.

The Infertility Treatment Authority have how to tell books, which are age appropriate. They also have books for donors on how to tell their children if I recall. We will be accessing those & believe like Buliej that keeping secrets causes more problems.

[SD2001]

SD - I don't know the answers. BUT you have done a wonderful thing - given someone one of the greatest gifts that there is.

Thanks Buliej.

Thanks also for the advice.

Here are my thoughts ...

I do want to tell my children, as I believe in honesty and being open with them.

However, other than my direct family and some very close relations and friends, I do not tell people about my donations.

I would prefer to tell my children when they are very young so they see it as a normal thing and not something that is unexpected or different, so that by time they are old enough to understand what it really means that they have accepted it. The problem I see with this approach however is that children often talk about these sorts of things with other children and other people around them and may say something like "I have other brothers and sisters". Other children might think they are lying while adults may think I had extra-marital affairs or children from previous relations that I have kept secret. The issue is that the information will get out into the open and then I have to decide to tell everyone or say that my children are telling stories.

On the other hand, I could tell my children when they are older, say 12 or 13, when they are old enough to understand and old enough to keep it personal, but that will also leave them with the idea that I have kept a secret from them for the last 12 years and may lead to a loss of trust.

The other unknown is if the recipient families will tell their children. Historically it has been the case that most recipients do not tell their children. Most people these days say they will tell their children but if they actually do or not remains to be seen. I am not aware of any of my recipient families who intend telling their children.

My partner is undecided if telling our children is the best way to go or not. She wonders if it will be more of a negative experience for our children then a positive experience.

[Indadhanu]

Well in our situation there's not a lot of choice, but even if we did have a choice the answer would be yes, absolutely tell.

The truth always comes out, there's no way around it. We'd rather explain it and have it always known rather than "have" to tell at 15 or 25 or 50 due to a medical issue or something like that.

[HotI]

I knew that my Dad was a sperm donor when he was younger. I can't remember ever being told, but i must have been at some stage. I never thought of kids produced from the sperm as my siblings, and still don't really. I have adopted siblings and they are my family, so i see those you grow up with more as more important.

Adoption was never kept a secret in our family, and i don't think donor egg/sperm should be either. I also think it is info that the child may want to keep a secret, so wouldn't feel the need to share with everyone.

[Lieve]

To add to this thread, we've been having a lot of these conversations with our SD, and when it comes to any matters that we can't quite agree completely on, our way to deal with this is to all ask ourselves 'what is going to be in the best interest of the child?' - and this is where we most often find common ground. I think to some extent you have to just put your feelings of not wanting others to know, or worrying about what will others; family, friends, acquaintances, etc think or say aside for the sake of the child/children.

My DH, our SD and I all agree we want our child to know from as soon as he/she is old enough to understand that they were conceived in an extra special way, but that it becomes something 'normal' to them. How it's perceived by others doesn't matter to me, and anyway it's not something I can control.

SD2001 - i hope you know how much what you have done for others is valued.

[didispunk]

Personally I am not in this situation but SECRETS always always come out. Even if all the papers are gone. What if later in life the kid wants a DNA done? for a school project or who knows what! Your kids need to then deal with the fact they have been not told the truth for so many years.. Can cause huge issues. My mother had to go through this.. not fun!

[Baylee2011]

Hi everyone,

My partner and I also need to use donor sperm to have children. I have done alot of thinking and research and it appears to me that telling the children seems to be a much better choice for the children's sake. Ive read forums and letters on the internet written by people who were conceived by donors and were not told until later in life or even one poor girl was told by her best friend because her dad had told her. And that poor girl was just shattered and hurt and felt so betrayed and felt like she had lost her identity. Whereas I just found out that my brothers housemate is actually a child from a sperm donor and he has always known and is absolutely fine with it and so are his siblings and they all have no intention of tracking down their sperm donor. Ive also seen a letter on the internet of another girl who has always known and she is fine and just always felt so wanted and special because her parents went to such lengths to have her.

I believe the children have a right to know where they come from and keeping secrets from them will just portray that it is something to be ashamed of, when its absolutely not! Just like using words like "real dad" portrays that there dad who has always been a dad to them and a part of their life isnt really their dad. But the truth is what makes a dad is someone who is always there for them to teach them, and play games with them and help them on their journey through life, it doesnt matter if their genes aren't the same.

I also agree with the new laws of using a known donor who is on a contactable register, as try to think of it as if you were in these childrens shoes... if you found out and there was no way of finding this person even if you wanted to! And you didnt know your full family medical history. Nobody should be able to take away those rights. It doesn't mean that you have to know this person just that there information is available if these children need it or want it.

I honestly know how much it sucks not to have your own fully biological children with your partner and that it sucks even more that we have to make these extremely hard decisions plus be burdened by all the medical costs. But there comes a point when you have to put your own feelings aside and think about what is going to be the best for these children.

There are books you can get for the kids that you can read to them while there very little so there'll never be a time when you have to have 'that' conversation, and there are books on how to tell them and how to deal with it yourself. And remember if they do want to meet this person that gave such an amazing gift, it doesn't mean that they dont love you its probably just something they may or may not need to do for themselves.

Im sorry if i've offended anyone, everyones entitled to their own choices and opinions.

SD2001, your an amazing person and without people like you alot of lovely people wouldnt have the chance of being a parent and I think your kids would admire you for being such a generous person.

P.S if you got to the following website you can read an entry by a girl who is a DI Baby, we found it really helpful http://www.donor-conception-network.org/zannah.htm

Baylee2011

[provencein3]

I'm a sole parent and have used a sperm donor to conceive my child. As with Leasha there is no choice...well I guess there is. You can say their dad was some so and so that you want nothing to deal with, but would that be any better.

I am a member of a forum of women that have all conceived thru the use of sperm donation. The children have all been told about it from a very young age. Again these kids have to, at school age, be able to deal with their friends asking, where is your dad. Amazingly or of course, (whichever is your way of thinking), they cope and quite well. Its such a part of their life that they are very matter of fact about it.

ID release is a requirement in all states though in different degrees of requirement. I am in Qld where there is no register and ultimately I guess, if the child does not know that is the means of their conception, they will not know that they can access the information

My daughter is also conceived using an egg donor. I could decide not to tell but there is one way that I know she would find out - I have A- blood, the sd has O-, she has B+. Someone once said to me, whos knows their blood type, but I found mine out in my uni days through donating blood, which is not such an uncommon thing to do.

As for who to tell, again I had to tell my relatives about the sperm donor but what I have discovered is that there is no control then over who they tell. To many it is not a big issue to be passing on to any acquaintance but for me, it is part of my child's personal information, that they should have the choice in deciding who does and doesn't know ie its not my information to give.

[dreamrise659]

Hi all,

I strongly believe people should be honest with their children. As others have said - eventually the child may find out. I have spoken to an American couple (through another site) who are looking for a sperm donor and they want one who looks like the husband and has same blood group etc and plan on never telling the child and figure that if they choose the right donor the child will have no reason to ever find out. This worries me because I think what if the child meets someone else who was concieved through the same donor and they don't know they are related. It has happened that donor siblings have had sexual relations or even got married without knowing they are related.

I think there is a good chance that eventually the child might find out and then how will they feel? A friend of mine has an older sister who was concieved through another man. She was bought up to believe her father was the man her mother married (and who her siblings were concieved by). It wasn't until she was in her 30's that she found out (through an estranged relative) that her mother had already been pregnant when she met the husband. My friend's sister was shattered to think that she had been lied to her whole life. It caused her a major identity crisis and wondering if the man she had thought of as her father had ever really loved her, and if she could ever believe her mum again, whether her sisters had known all along etc. Eventually she worked through these issues and on the surface everything appears ok (but who knows how much resentment she might still be holding onto). I think if her parents had discussed it with her when she was perhaps a teenager and told her that the man she considered to be her father had loved her and her mum so much that he had married her mum even though her mum was pregnant to another man, and that he had loved her as his own, it wouldn't be so bad. I think the biggest issues she had was around being decieved.

I have had 3 attempts of donor insemination (using a known donor) and am now on my 1st IVF cycle (with a clinic donor). I had collected alot of information and kept copies of all emails between me and my known donor so that if my child ever asked I could provide them with alot of information about their donor. Unfortunately now that I am using a clinic donor I only know sketchy details about them - I find this part of it hard to deal with. As I am going through a clinic the BD&M office will have details of the donor and when the child is 18 they will be able to make contact with their donor if they wish. I wonder about what the donor will be like - whether he will be welcoming of such a meeting etc. The known donor I had been using was very happy to have contact if the child requested it any time after they turned 13.

As I am a single mum my child will always know. I will tell him or her how much they were wanted and how lucky we were that a kind man helped.

My 13 yr old daughter was concieved through a hetro relationship but we split when I was 16 weeks pregnant and he has never met her. My daughter knows about him and has seen photos etc. At school she made up stories about her father when she was prep but by the time she was in grade 1 she was happy to tell people that her father "ran away when I was in mummy's tummy" and she didn't care what any one said because she felt confident in herself and didn't feel like she had anything to be ashamed about. If I had lied and told her stories about her father and then she had found out the truth imagine how hard it would be for her to not feel embarrassed or ashamed about it.

Lori