7yr old D wants more time with Mummy

[deciple]

hi all in the forum

been separated/divorced for >2 years and been doing nearly 50-50 custody.

7yr old D told me in from of mummy that she is finding hard to go from house to house and would like to spend the schools days a mums and only see me every second weekend.

i am very upset to hear this and am wondering of Mum has been putting thoughts into her head.

I love her dearly and she alway tells me how much she loves me and we alway get on great.

Personally, although i would NOT feel happy with her comming, if she hated it (as i said she is happy with me thought anyway) but i do feel it is too big a decision for a 7 yr old to make.

If you let the child choose then what will they base the decision on? EG Mum spoils her with lots of expensive toys and junk food, where as I dont, so that would be an influenc. I belive i am firmer with disapline than mum, etc......

I also belive that children need to have a father in their life as well as a mother.

I am torn by this.

I gues i am posting this here cause i would like other parents opinion on the matter.

thanks in advance for taking the time to respond.

[thepixie]

I'm going to risk getting flamed here and say I think 50/50 custody is more about what is good for the parents than what is good for the child. Put yourself in your child's shoes... how would you like having to pull up stumps and move house once a week or more, split yourself between two houses and still try to have some consistency with school and friends. Whether with you or D's Mum I think your child is expressing a need for some stability that they really don't experience when bouncing back and forth. I don't really know what to suggest but I think your child is just trying to tell you that the current situation isn't working. It must have been hard for D to say that to you too.
I'm just trying to see it from D's perspective. Hope you can work something out that is good for everyone. It must be very hard.

[skeetaboat]

Hey deciple,

What a heartbreaking situation you are in.

It is hard for kids to go from household to household all the time. They have to adapt themselves to the different rules, norms and standards constantly. Just when you get settled in it's time to switch again. How many days does she have in a row at each place?

I wonder if the three of you could possibly sit down together and talk about how you might be able to make it easier for her to live between the two households, eg making similar rules, longer/shorter periods at each, living closer, etc?

You're right - it is a very big decision for a little child to make, but how she feels is important. I would suggest you spend some time digging into the reasons she'd like to change things. perhaps there is a solution that will make things easier for her but still allow you to have a large percentage of her care. If her mum has put the idea in her head, talking about it may uncover this. But tread carefully, you don't want her to feel like you don't believe these are her real feelings if they indeed are.

Goodluck xx

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

I'd say talk to your daughter without the mother being present. She may have been pressured to say it.

But also - if she's having to change schools every week, I'd say it was only fair that she stay in one house. But bring in other people to decide the best house for her. Maybe you could have more time in the holidays if the mother has more time during term?

[deciple]

hi and thanks for your replys

she goes to the same school all the time.

I let her mum (or i should say i didnt try to stop her ;-) )pull out of her old school mid term last year so that she would be at a school closer to where she lives, 10 minutes away). Now I have to get her up a little earlier in the morning to get her there on time. thats probalbe one thing she doesnt like, but it shouldnt be a big deal.

she is with me for 4 Nights, mum 5N, me 2, mum 3.
We tried week on and week off but a whole week was too long for her away from mum.

I am going out of my way to handle being a full time worker and a 50% dad.

[Traveller]

It sounds like you are doing everything possible to make this arrangement work and you are clearly a loving father. I really hope you can make a 50/50 arrangement work as I really think they offer a lot to a child in the form of regular consistent contact with both parents.

The only thing that jumps out at me from what you have said is the days you have your daughter change from week to week. I wonder if this is affecting her in that she feels she never knows where she will be? Maybe a more structured arrangement (like you have her Wed, Thur, Fri one week, and Wed Thur Fri Sat the next week, then back to Wed Thur Fri the following week) would help her feel more settled. I have seen arrangements like this work really well in other 50/50 custody arrangements.

Good luck with it

xx

[skeetaboat]

hi and thanks for your replys

she is with me for 4 Nights, mum 5N, me 2, mum 3.

I don't really understand. Does that mean it changes all the time? If it does, I think that would make living between two houses even more unsettling. At least if it's the same each week, she would know, "ok, today is tuesday and I stay at mums", or however it rolls. I think it would be easier on her to have an arrangement that is the same each week.

Perhaps you could concede a day, and try something like Thur - Sat with you and Sun - Wed with mum?

[Toomanytoomany]

That sounds like quite a disruptive routine for a little one, to be honest.

OTOH, I'd be devastated if I could only spend every other weekend with my kids.

Are there flexible things you can try? Maybe if she *stays* with you every second weekend, but you have her for some afternoons until after dinner and then take her round to her mums? I know my sister's ex has them occasionally during the week just for a treat for them all, and she appreciates the extra breathing space.

The other thing is, at her age, girls often do start to need more time with their mothers. My dd3 was always a daddy's girl until she was about eight, and then she gravitated towards me much more. Dh was quite hurt by that but I explained it was a normal thing for girls, and that the preferences would come and go.

[~Serenity~]

My cousins have done the set nights 50/50 since they were lil with no problems but I would suggest the wed, thurs, fri one week and wed to sat next week

[deciple]

counting the nights she is with me

fri, sat, sun, mon (4)
i drop her at school tues morn and mum picks her in the afternoon.

With mum
tues, wed, thurs, fri, sat, sun (6)

she drops her at school mon morn and i pick her up

With me
mon, tues (2)

I drop her at schol wed morn

with mum
wed thurs (2)

i pick her up form school fri and the cycle repeat.

all the pick ups are a school.

it was 5, 5, 2, 2 but she was missing mum after 5 days and so i let her have an extra night.

but now she is wanting more (claims that BD wants more tiem with her) but i feel she puts thinks in her head.