How to follow my own parenting philosopy with grace

[~Kaz~]

I've been tumbling this around in my sleep deprived brain for quite a few weeks now so I hope it comes out ok and can be understood.

Without going into all the boring details, here is the situation in a nutshell. We have decided to parent DS 'gently' in lots of ways. We don't co-sleep (tried it early on and it wasn't for us). We don't let him cry, do CC or follow any type of sleep training routine. DP and I, (and specifically me), are not getting enough sleep. DS wakes frequently throughout the night and I get up and feed him (10-15mins a time) and then he usually goes straight back to sleep until the next wake up. He has only ever 'slept through' a handful of times in his life - the last was at about 8 months. Recently things have been particularly bad and he has been waking 2 hourly. I am finding the ongoing interrupted sleep difficult to cope with.

Ok, so I know for a lot of parents that might not seem too bad and I know it could be worse but I still struggle to cope. I know all the reasons why we are doing things this way and I am 100% comfortable with our decisions on an intellectual level. I am posting in here because I'm not really after sleep advice as such (every now and then I question what we're doing but after reviewing our other options, this way is the one I'm comfortable with). So it is my issue. I need to just suck it up (or something) and accept that DS's needs are in total conflict with my own and that his will always come first. But I struggle with my feelings about this sometimes.

I guess this topic doesn't even have to be about sleep, it could be anything related to parenting that causes a conflict of interests between parents/children. I am so graceless in my head sometimes. It does come and go in waves - there are times I gladly get out of bed for the fourth time (or whatever) that night but other nights I feel so frustrated that he can't/won't sleep longer. My thoughts descend into very unhelpful areas. Thinking over my reasons for not sleep training him and knowledge of babies sleep etc doesn't help me to accept the situation in those times. I think pretty horrible things and get quite selfish. I have even spoken harshly to him and raised my voice asking him what he wants and why he won't sleep which is so not the way I want to parent him, during the day or at night.

So how do you maintain your grace when times get tough as a parent? I consider myself to still be a total newbie at this. I have very firm beliefs about how I want to treat DS, what I want to model to him, his rights to feed overnight as much as he likes etc etc but then I feel so disappointed in myself when I get into that selfish, cranky headspace.

[~Hestia~]

I know how you feel. I certainly question myself at times too. Lack of sleep can make everything that much harder to deal with.

[Indadhanu]

I don't have any answers, because I, too, muddled through sleepless nights with as much grace as a drunk elephant!!!! I didn't let her CIO or try sleep training, but I sure as heck did think it many (MANY) nights. I'd also say "next time you wake up I'm goign to let you cry" and raise my voice sometimes too

I have to say though, I am proud of myself, and proud of all the other mummies who are strong in their conviction to be the parents they want to be. For us, it's being gentle parents, and not let our kids cry it out. You are being really dedicated, even though it's not helping anyone by being vocal or saying comments like that (I'll say it because I've been there and I know from experience, not out of judgement), you DID get out of bed, you are awake, you're attending to your sons needs and following the parenting style that resonates within you.

I will say one thing though, and this won't be something that 'works' for everyone. In fact, it can be upsetting, but it was something that pretty much stopped any frustrated thoughts in their tracks. When I found myself getting very frustrated and annoyed at sleepless nights and having a baby who would not fall back asleep any other way than by feeding, I'd try to remember this: If something bad happened to Jazz, I know I'd lie in bed praying for a sleepless night, a cry that needed attending to, a baby who just wanted a mummy cuddle in the middle of the night.
I think it really puts that moment into perspective. It's frustrating to have to get up, but when I think if something happened to Jazz and I never had to get up to her again, it would be the worst thing ever. So I just enjoyed snugglign down and holding my little blessing.

[Just Me]

Trust me - you are not alone in feeling cranky and frustrated about behavioural issues that conflict with your own. I have come to the similar conclusions to you about our philosophy of parenting - which is for the most part gentle parenting style - that nothing else sits well with me like this does. It doesn't mean it is always easy.

Before I say too much more, I will warn you, even after nearly 3 years of parenting, I am still sporting my L plates so don't take anything I say as gospel.

I find that often when I start to feel really negative, I have to take a step backwards and just decide to deal with this issue right now in a calm way. I have to make a really conscious effort to change my attitude. I know it is soooo much easier said than done, but when I have managed it, the payoffs have been great.

Usually it involves, stopping, taking a deep breath and going over in my head what I am going to do to stay calm and then dealing with my kids in a calm way if it kills me. It is not a magic cure and things don't always turn around but if I manage to stay calm, I feel better about myself and I find it easier to be calm the next time. Once I get into a cycle of feeling frustrated, if I continue to feed that cycle, I just find it easier and easier to be frustrated.

Sometimes, if I am beyond frustrated, I just have to leave them to cry in their cots or have some quiet time in their room. I need to calm myself down before I interact with my baby.

Sleep deprivation is a killer and nothing can prepare you for how bad it can be at times. I think I get through it by thinking that it can't last for ever and getting sleep in wherever I can.

Don't know if anything I said is particularly helpful or even makes sense. It is a tough job, this parenting gig so know that other people struggle with the same issues. I console myself with the fact that I would probably be dealing with the same issues and feelings of guilt if I parented in a different way.

Good luck with everything. I hope your DS decides to sleep for you soon

[onthefly]

Sometimes I am serene, my patience almost endless...sometimes I am a horrid beast, and just for a snap second I don't know myself. I have said terrible things and thought terrible thoughts. And it's weeks (months even) of sleep deprivation that brings me to my knees.
But I have to grant myself (and you too) this - despite my little lapses I'm still here and I'm still parenting in a way I'm happy with.

Partly, maybe, it's about altering your expectations for yourself - you're a human, you're not perfect, and yet you're doing a fabulous job. Imagine how wonderful you'd be if you got plenty of sleep!

And I've thought about the conflict of needs thing too. Maybe it's more of a perception of conflict than an actual one. DS needs me in the night; and yes I need to sleep, but I also need to care for him and know that he is happy. So perhaps I need to find another way meet my need for sleep - get someone else to help, for eg - rather than accepting that there must be a conflict.

[Lulu]

I think it's asking to much to expect to handle everything with grace. I think it's natural to feel all the things you do, adding disappointment to the mix probably won't help.

I just remember I am human, wait for it to pass - and rant and carry on if I feel like it. Blows off the steam quicker and I can return to normal programming

[skeetaboat]

OMG.. please don't tell my DH I'm supposed to handle this gig with grace!!

Neither of our kids have ever been left to CIO and we also follow gentle parenting. But when the kids are out of earshot, I have kicked, yelled, cried, thumped, banged and whinged my heart out when it all got too much. Which lately, is frequently.

Give yourself a break hun. It's a tough road we've chosen, it's not always going to be easy and you're not always going to be able to suck it up when things get tough.

It gets better, too. Always remember that. And I too think what Leasha thinks. If god forbid anything bad ever happened, at least I'd have no regrets about my parenting. That helps. Venting to someone who understands also helps. So does getting practical help so you can have a nap (we take it in turns to sleep in on weekends). And if you're really struggling to keep your cool when it's just you and bubs, it's ok to put them down, leave the room, calm down while you count to 20, and go back in.

[Winter]

This is going to sound silly maybe, but I try to bring myself very much into the moment when I get these feelings. I take deep breaths and breathe my way to serenity, and really try to take in my baby - her ears, her lovely legs, her feet resting against my arm. It doesn't always work & sometimes I'm way too frustrated to even remember that I want to be calm ! but I do try. I sometimes lay in bed thinking - just go back to sleep!! and I listen to her whinge for 20 minutes, when if I had of got up when she first wanted me, I'd be back in bed already by now. That motivates me too!

[suse]

Just remember - you are human and you have needs. Making a conscious choice to put aside those needs (some of which are biological imperatives, like sleep) for someone who cannot make or even understand such a choice is an incredibly selfless thing to do, but it's not easy.

I think we've all done things in sheer exhaustion that we would prefer not to have done, or that don't feel wholly consistent with a gentle parenting philosophy. And probably things will get to a point where we do them again. All we can do is learn from those things and try to implement ways of dealing with them more effectively.

Touching on what Just Me said, I guess what we have to ask ourselves, is what the benefit of a particular aspect of gentle parenting is to the child if that aspect unbalances the rest of the parenting equation. If you (or any parent) are so overwhelmed by long-term exhaustion that you cannot function properly or it affects your temperament in a way that is not just transient, for example, then perhaps it might be worthwhile to consider ways that allow you to start meeting your own needs whilst still following the guiding principles of gentle parenting.

I think Dr Jay Gordon (a US pro-attachment parenting paediatrician who has a great methodology of night weaning for co-sleepers that can be applied to non-co-sleepers as well) put it well when he said that a parent who has their own basic needs met is much better able to meet the needs of their child, and that there has to be some recognition of the needs of the rest of the family. I know in myself that when I am dead tired, I can't run around with DS, I can't engage with him in the same way that I do when I've had a half decent night's sleep. We spent so long in a day trying to get him to sleep (he would sometimes take up to three hours of rocking to return to sleep after a night wake, and it frustrated him as much as anybody that he couldn't sleep, he was constantly exhausted), that the overwhelming focus was on sleep - we didn't have time for anything else. I started to take the approach that I could be a better parent to DS if we were both well rested, and looked at ways that I could encourage him to learn better sleep habits that did not conflict with the principles of attachment parenting (admittedly, my DS was a bit older than yours when I did this).

Incidentally, we have never co-slept either, and after a week of a sick DS who has shared our bed I better understand the wisdom of not sharing a bed with a child who will, over the course of the night, utilise every square inch of bed space, and get quite annoyed if someone else is currently occupying any of that space. I mention it because gentle parenting is a guiding principle, it's not a set of boxes that must be ticked. I have never felt any qualms about not co-sleeping, because it doesn't work for DS, and it doesn't work for the rest of our family. I can be a gentle parent in other ways. So to answer your original question about conflicts - if something conflicts between myself and DS, if it is a little conflict, then I deal with it. But if it's a big conflict that unbalances everything else, then I look at ways where that conflict can be resolved in a gentle way.

Other posters have given great advice on how to deal with the difficulty. My advice is a little different - if you are finding yourself at a point where you are unable to function or that you are spending a completely unbalanced amount of energy on one aspect of your DS' development (eg: sleep), you can change the 'routine' and still gentle parent, and not CC. It's all in the way you do it.

[~Kaz~]

Thanks for your replies. I have continued to give this a lot of thought over the past few days and all of your posts have been helpful and given me things to think about.

One of the mum's in my bellybuddies group lost her beautiful daughter at term this time last year. Thinking of that mum and her angel has helped me a lot over the past 12 months to appreciate what I have. I think I should try to remember them more often when times are tough in the middle of the night though and not just think of them generally during the day.

I am going to try to keep doing better. I know this is partly about my expectations of myself and I am human and will slip up now and then, but I also think that doesn't really let me off the hook either. I am the adult and I have way more self control than DS. I do need to take a step back when the frustration gets too much. Leaving him for a few minutes is better than raising my voice or getting into that negative cycle. I am going to try to remember that when things are going smoothly, I am not likely to learn very much about myself. Whereas when times are tough, they are actually an opportunity for me to learn and grow as a person.

Suse - your comments about balance really struck a chord (and I have to spread the love!) - things have been way out of balance lately in terms of sleep. Thinking about it in those terms is really helpful and stops me 'blaming' myself. And you're so right about it not being a tick a box thing. I realise now I had been feeling a bit uneasy about the fact that we don't co-sleep - like maybe if we had persevered earlier things would be easier now but that's not necessarily true because it just wasn't working.

I think I have always seen myself as a fairly giving person. Generous with my time, money and emotions - especially with friends/family but also in my (paid) work too. Perhaps I thought gentle parenting methods were going to come more naturally ALL of the time than they have or possibly can? Or that because I'm putting in a lot of effort and hard work, I would be seeing benefits by now (as with other non-parenting things in life I have previously worked hard for). I have decided that DS's difficulties sleeping are a good test for me. This situation is here to teach me something (or perhaps many things about stuff like delayed gratification, control, and the fact that no matter how much I might want something for him or from him, he may not be able to do what I want him to) and in a way, I need to learn to cope with this period in preparation for all of the other challenges of parenting that are coming down the track. In a lot of ways, I know this is still a relatively easy period.

[~Kim~]

Kaz, I wish I had some great advice, but I don't. As you know I'm stuck there too.
I have been trying to reply since you posted, but I just wanted to let you know you have given me lots to think about too.