weaned almost three year old asks for BFs daily, what to do?

[skeetaboat]

I'll try to keep this short.

My almost 3 yo DS who has been officially weaned for about 8 months, still wants to BF. He never wanted to give up but I needed him to. After his baby sister was born 5 months ago, he started asking for BFs again. Occasionally when I've really needed him to stop whinging and go down for a sleep (he WILL NOT nap since we weaned), I've relented and given him a feed. THis has reinforced his asking for it since occasionally it pays off. Now he asks several times a day and gets quite upset that I say no.

I feel so mean saying no. I keep vacilating in my head about whether I should just give in and let him feed again. DH isn't keen on it because he has worked for months and months and months to get him into a good routine in going to bed (he would NOT sleep without a feed), and if he starts feeding again, all that hard work will be erased and he'll want me to BF him to sleep every night. I'm not that keen because weaning was really difficult on us all. I'm also not keen because he is very demanding with BFing. He won't compromise. He nags and nags and nags. He wants BFs constantly. He wants to feed for ages (like 30-40 minutes). He wont go to sleep without it. Before he weaned I was really stressed out from the BFing relationship we had, Actually the more I type the more I realise it would be bad to let him start again.

But at the same time, he's getting more and more insistent. And more and more jealous. He "don't wanna be a big boy". He doesn't understand why his little sister can have (several times a day) what he so desperately wants. I feel so mean. He needs to nap but just won't nap unless he has a BF. He needs to go to bed at 8pm but just won't go to sleep until he's exhausted at 10pm. He's so tired and cranky all the time. So in some ways it would make life a lot easier.

What would you say? What would you do? Has anyone dealt with this before?

[Kailani]

Hi skeetaboat,

I'm sorry I have no advice but I couldn't read and not post something Sounds like it is difficult and upsetting for all of you, but most of all, it must be confusing for your DS as he doesn't understand why he can't have it.

I'm sure others have been there done that, so I hope someone can give you some helpful hints and ways to cope and make the weaning transition final xox

[Kmn]

I think that your son is finding it hard to adjust to not being the baby. If you decide to feed him again it needs to be on your terms, and it needs to not be in a way that "rewards" him for being tired and surly. Will he calm down outside, or in a car, or in the pusher??

Do you have a sling for DD so that you can feed her on the run and not have to interrupt whatever DS is doing??

Good luck!

[Oorki Galoorki]

I would let him have 1 feed a day.. but i would make clear boundaries.
eg DD has to have had her feed first, we count to 30 (one boob or two)then it is time to hop off. make sure these are know before each feed.

[CrazyCat]

I wouldnt give in to his demands.
Like you said, you already worked hard to sort out his new routine, why undo all that?
And if he's 3 and is allowed to BF...when does it end again?
If you've already told him he's a big boy now, and BF is for the baby... stick to it.


I think 3 is too old to BF...
Don't mean to offend anyone, this is just my opinion....

[feeb]

Hugs hun no advice just wanted to give you a hug and say that I can see myself being in your position as my 20 month old is obsessed with boobs and wanst to feed when ever DS2 feeds and when ever DS2 is asleep.

You are not alone so will be keen to see replys from others

[Barb Glare]

Hi,

Sometimes (at any age or stage) our children have needs that are more important than our own. It's not weak to meet your child's needs. It's not 'giving in'. It can be challenging - especially when they seem to clash with what is culturally desirable. But, don't discount allowing him to breastfeed; to meet his needs. Sometimes that's how we grow. Your son is still at an age where, biologically, breastfeeding is normal. It's not just a baby thing! Children, under normal circumstances, breastfed.

[Kmn]

I was wondering - would it work for booby to be his reward for going to bed without a drama - i.e. you have a sleep and then we'll have booby in the morning...??

[skeetaboat]

Oh thanks everyone for sharing your thoughts. My notifications aren't working, I didn't realise anyone had replied...!

Kmn - yes, you're right, if I do feed him it needs to *not* be in a manner that rewards his whinging and whining for it. He's such a stubborn little nut that even a drive in the car doesn't do the trick these days.

OG - I have tried this, setting bounderies and time limits. The trouble is, he wants it when he needs to go to sleep, and it takes him a good 20-30 minutes to fall into a deep sleep, and he gets mighty upset if he gets cut off before he is asleep. Once I unlatched him when I thought he was sound asleep. He started crying, saying "HEY I WASN'T ASLEEP YET!" lol.

Crazy Cat - I don't think 3 is too old to BF, but you have a good point - if we start again now, when does it end?

Feeb - well done, tandem feeding! I take my hat off to you. At 20 months and with a new one around she is bound to be a bit obsessed. Hopefully it will die down a bit as she comes to enjoy the benefits of being a big girl.

Barb - thanks for your advice. This is what I have been wrestling with. When he's so tired and he just wants to sleep and he asks for my help (ie. a BF) - I think to myself, how can I not help him?

I did in fact decide to go this route and just allow him *one* feed to sleep in the afternoon so that he could have a nap (he won't nap otherwise). But I must have issues leftover from our rather difficult BFing relationship and I found that I couldn't stand it; it made me feel yuk and anxious (funny because I don't feel like that feeding my baby). Plus he started asking me every hour again. So I decided that I just couldn't go down that road again and have refused every request since (about 8 or 9 days). He's not asking as much now.

I think I just need to help him through the tiredness by structuring the day in such a way that he gets enough "quiet time".. and also try my best to get him into bed at a reasonable hour. That, and spend more one-on-one time doing something that doesn't involve my boobs.

I felt bad at first (putting my own needs above his very legitimate ones) but at the end of the day, if I'm stressed out, we all suffer so I feel like I've made the right choice in the end. He seems to be a bit happier now than a couple of weeks ago when I first posted. I think the inconsistency of saying yes sometimes and no most other times was making him more whingy and whiney for it. Now that it is a consistent 'no', he's starting to understand.

Thanks for taking the time to reply.

[Matryoshka]

I felt bad at first (putting my own needs above his very legitimate ones) but at the end of the day, if I'm stressed out, we all suffer so I feel like I've made the right choice in the end. He seems to be a bit happier now than a couple of weeks ago when I first posted. I think the inconsistency of saying yes sometimes and no most other times was making him more whingy and whiney for it. Now that it is a consistent 'no', he's starting to understand.

Thanks for taking the time to reply.

Don't feel bad at all, your needs are just as valid as his. And as the parent, its your right to determine how else you can meet his needs. Breastfeeding a bit longer isn't the solution for helping him adjust to the new baby and feel more secure. I breastfed DS1 for 2 years & 8 months, the 8 months I was tandem feeding him and DS2. My aim was that it would help him adjust, feel included. It didn't at all, it made feeding difficult and chaotic. He would ask every time i fed the baby, and i'd relent just to keep him happy. It left me feeling like a machine, a milk dispensary, i always had someone on me, and it was a factor in my developing post natal depression.

I ummed and ahhed for ages about how to wean just him, whether to cut down, how to do it. Its hard when you're tired and can't think clearly, and just feeding is easier. But as you said, my inconsistency was confusing for him. He needed structure, stability and most of all, he needed to see me happy and relaxed. Once i felt that my will to stop breastfeeding him was completely valid and entitled, he seemed to understand that it was something that had to end. It wasn't the end of our physical relationship, just the mouth on breast one. When he would ask for it, i would say "sorry lovey, I can't breastfeed you, my boobies are sore, but you can have a cuddle"... or something similar. I explained they were sore from the constant feeding and that being almost 3 drinking milk from a cup would be just fine. Being a sensitive boy, he seemed to understand and respect, finally, that i'm a person with needs too. So while it broke my heart to refuse him, it was the best thing. I needed my personal space, i needed boundaries, and it was a good thing for him too. For a while he just asked "are booboos still sore", and i would say yes. When he would ask i'd give him lots of cuddles and distraction, soon the asking became less and eventually stopped.

He's fine now, more independant than ever, and I'm so glad we ended it where we did. I think it helped him see me as a person with needs to, and he's a very considerate little boy, i'm sure this contributed.

So please don't feel guilty, your reasons are so valid, and boundaries can have great results if done gently and kindly.

[Mummato2]

I think Matryoshka has summed it up beautifully.

I don't think that your child's needs come before your own - your mental health is just as important and when it is an issue that is weighing as heavily as this is for you, giving what your child needs and depriving you of what you need is a recipe for depression and disaster. Sorry Barb, but I can't say I agree in this instance.

The good thing is at his age, he should understand reasoning a bit better than a younger child. Perhaps get a couple of things that he LOVES to do and when he asks, answer him swiftly and firmly but instantly divert his attention to an activity that he loves to do and you can be involved in.

Good luck sweetheart - it's a bloody tough decision and I think you've done amazingly managing this long xxx