Do your parents support you and your parenting approach?

[attc]

I'm just wondering whether other people have had a similar experience to me...

It just dawned on me today that I really have never felt much support from my parents/mother in my decision to parent gently and to still be breastfeeding.

DS is now 13 months old. He is still BF and still rocked to sleep. My parents continue to make snide comments to try and subtly voice their disapproval of this. It is not subtle and I read them loud and clear.

I told my mum today that it was not subtle when she keeps asking me (in a definite tone), when I am going to wean him. She ended up admitting that she and Dad are "shocked" and basically "horrified" that I am still BFing DS and that she hopes it doesn't continue much longer. I guess I baited her back by asking why should it bother her if I'm BFing or not and so what if I BF for a lot longer - she said if that was the case, then not to tell them and not to do it in front of them!? Then they'd never have to know.

It was like she wanted me to keep it as my dirty little secret - that it was something that I should be ashamed or embarrassed about (I think they are embarrassed that I am still feeding him).

Whilst this is probably the best approach (ie don't talk to them about BFing and the challenges of getting him to sleep) - however, this makes me really sad - I think I should be able to talk to my mum about this sort of stuff and expect her to be supportive (even if it is different to how she did things).

Am I expecting too much? It just makes me quite upset (and angry) when my own mother is making me doubt/feel bad etc about how I'm raising my baby. I'm starting to feel like its me against the world when it comes to BFing and rocking to sleep. I'm at the point where I'm quite defensive about it. Luckily DH is supportive.

Does anyone else feel unsupported by their parents (and friends/family) and if so, how do you cope with it?

[ubba82]

Yes I too have similar problems with my mother. My youngest is 14 weeks old and my mum has a go at me because 'I don't let her cry long' and I should be booking into sleep school so they can teach me its ok for her to cry herself to sleep. Mum thinks that BB is to blame - I said to her I am just more informed and have chosen to do things differently this time around. The other week she mentioned I should give her some rice cereal to fill her tummy and make her sleep longer to which I replied I wont be giving her any solids until at least 4 months - the recommended age being 6 months. I have had many an argument with my mum on my parenting vs her parenting and I dont really see it getting any better unless I just stop talking to her about it all together.

Sorry Im not much help xx

[krisp]

Both my Mother and my MIL believe every child needs "a good smack"!!!! My DH and I have decided not to smack and they just don't get it. Oh well, I figure they are our children and we WILL parent them our way.

Everyone has an opinion about something you do, they should however remember it's not always a good thing to share it.....

[Persephone1]

I'm so sorry you're going through this, it sounds awful. I haven't had a Bub yet, but I'm relying on my Mum's support for bfing, so I imagine it would be really hard to hit a wall.

My MIL has made some comments about "not bfing beyond 6 months" as if to do it longer would be weird. I was bfed until I was almost 3, so her comments really grate on me. I expect I won't be sharing much of it with her though.

Unfortunately some people feel confronted by things that are different to what they do/did, and take it as a personal slight on their own parenting styles to see someone do it differently. Remind yourself that this is their "stuff" and you shouldn't be made to feel bad for your own decisions, even if they do fly in the face of what your parents do/did.

It's sad that you can't access support from your Mum, but rest assured there's support elsewhere (here, ABA, your DH, etc). Stand tall and leave then to their own stuff.

[attc]

Ubba82 - my mum also 'blames' all the harmful reading I supposedly do on the internet or books. She makes many a snide comment about the information I read. She has in the past stated that I am not following my instincts enough etc. The ironic thing is that I read things to justify and support my instincts (which are to BF and not to let him cry etc etc) because I don't get the support in my approach from those around me...

I never realised just how intolerant/judgmental my mother could be - particularly on something so natural and personal as raising your baby!

[~Kim~]

I never realised just how intolerant/judgmental my mother could be - particularly on something so natural and personal as raising your baby!

This is my fourth year of parenting, and until I had my babies I never realised how much your statement rang true.

My mum and I have had arguements over breastfeeding - about me offending her, because it is something I truely believe in and she doesn't and so didn't BF any of us.
Also about the gentle parenting thing and the sleeping thing.....sadly though, we used to be really close, but now my sister and my mum's parenting are more closely alligned it is quite obvious where allegiances are.

I think that was horrendously offensive of your mum to request that though. I have to admit though that even though I am thick skinned and often a bit louder than is sometimes appropriate, in order to avoid conflict I have avoided voicing my opinions/choices/techniques at times.

I am glad I found a place where I can be open about my parenting choices and women that share my beliefs (here i mean).

[Glamourcide]

On the surface, those around me are very supportive of how I do things. Upon closer inspection, though, it appears that my mum especially just tends to bite her lip or have her say and then move on, knowing that 'baiting' me will lead to a debate she knows I'll win, as I have the right to make my own choices (she calls them 'mistakes') and that it's my life to live. In parenting my children, I'm only 'hurting' myself, so she knows she really can't say anything about how I raise my own kids as it's not impacting on anybody but me, and I have to live with that.
Example - feeding/rocking to sleep. I was laughing to mum the other day about how, now that DD2 keeps rolling out of our bed and we've put her in a cot for her own safety, I have to clamber into the cot with her to feed and pat her to sleep. I have no problem with this - it's what works for us, sure it gets a bit cramped in there if she's taking a while to get to sleep but I don't mind. Mum's retort was, 'Well, you do it to yourself.' Yes, I do - was I complaining about the situation? Expressing dissatisfaction? Regret about the choice I have made? Not at all - just telling mum what I thought was a mildly amusing story about our new sleeping arrangements. I shrugged it off - told her I make the choices I do according to what works best for my baby AND for me, and that she will learn to self-settle when she's ready. I don't see a need for CCing - she's an amazing sleeper, goes down right on time every night and all it takes is five minutes of laying in an uncomfortable position to help her go down for the night. It's not a bad thing!

My advice is just to persevere. You have made your choices based on evidence you feel supports you and your baby's needs, and family may not understand that due to a lack of education, but that's not your problem. Shrug them off - you have plenty of support here and from others who do gentle parenting We know what works best, and there's no reason to be ashamed, embarrassed or try to please everybody Just focus on yourself and your child and all will be well

[Jennifer13]

Behind my back I'm sure my MIL doesn't approve of all of my parenting choices. Unfortunately for her, our now four year old DD is perfect testimony to all of the benefits of gentle parenting and full-term bfing. Fortunately she's not sure how to create a disagreement over our parenting style to our face without looking silly!

Her take on it is that the reason things are going so well for us, when she struggled with her children, was that we had a girl and she didn't. Because of course, it's gender that determines whether your parenting is effective!

My Mum might not agree with everything I do, but I'd never know. She's certainly supportive to me and others of how we are doing things and tells me she thinks I'm doing a great job! It's not how she does/did things (she's a foster parent to babies), but she has enough respect for me to accept our style as right for our family and support it.

[OceanPrincess]

Fortunately (or not?) it is sort of the other way around for me.

My own mum is supportive of whatever decisions my sis and I make with regards to parenting - she knows we are both active members of the ABA and the three of us have lots of chats about BF, settling methods, etc. She BFed us both as long as possible (we both self-weaned apparently around 12 mths) and she is completely comfortable with our approaches.

I think she is a bit more comfortable than I'd like with letting DD CIO when she looks after her - however she knows it is unacceptable to me to let her cry - perhaps the more accurate term is "GIO" - grizzle it out I'm more prone to pick her up quickly, mum will let her grizzle a bit - but I stress grizzle, not cry.

My MIL on the other hand, is often even more of a "gentle" parenter than we are! DH and I are struggling to rock/pat DD to sleep these days, it just seems to hype her up even more when we are there holding her, so our new approach is in the cot settling - snuggling her with her toys, patting her tummy. But MIL will still rock her to sleep. Maybe the MIL is more soothing than me?? Who knows.

MIL also loves the fact that I am still BF and fully supports it. She BFed her three, like my mum, as long as they wanted it - my DH BF all the way through her pg with my BIL and only weaned when BIL was born.

The unfortunate part is my DH... he keeps making comments like "you might have to wean her soon" when I wince because DD is biting my BB or kicking my belly. I keep telling him that I don't have to do anything (in a nice way) and that I'll BF as long as DD wants it... but I don't think he is fully on board with that. Maybe I need to find some info on tandem feeding for him...

[briggsy's girl]

i am parenting at almost the polar opposite to my parents - my mum didn't BF, she engaged controlled crying (and encouraged others to do the same), smacked etc. while i was pregnant, i told her how it was going to be. no smacking, no CIO, i would BF until we are ready to stop - my baby, my way. in all honesty, i expected comments. my parents aren't backwards in coming forward and saying what they think - whether people want to hear it or not.

BUT, they have been really supportive. mum has asked me how i deal with different circumstances and she engages the same techniques when she is responsible for DD (we've been landscaping for them and leaving DD with mum). i can tell by how DD responds to my parents that they're following our way of thinking. they parented me by intimidation - DD shows no signs of being intimidated (and she is very vocal when she isn't comfortable with stuff!)

the only thing i personally have struggled with is the BF thing around my mum - not that she judges - in fact, she is VERY supportive - but she was unable to BF us, and comments often on how she wishes she'd been able to. i worry about how it's making her feel. she suffers depression and has done since her sister died when they were children - i just hope that my ability to BF isn't impacting her.

[Inertia]

I can share my mum with you. She won't mind. I was a cloth bummed, breast fed, co slept, sling worn bubby.

[Nai]

My mum is great and really supports any decisions that DP and I make in relation to our parenting style. She also does her own research and reading and offers helpful suggestions about the latest research etc. She was a primary school teacher though so it's not surprising.

MIL wasn't supportive at all especially in relation to BF but DP told her her that we were doing it our way. She later apologised and admited we were doing a wonderful job with our girls and they were a testament to our parenting

[tk1999]

I have just finished reading the ABA booklet "Especially for Grandparents" and thought of it straight away when I read this thread.

It can be hard for our parents (and PIL) to adjust to the role of grandparent rather than parent - I live in hope that the adjustment runs quickly for my PIL soon

[Pandora]

No, they dont, and they actively undermine it whether we are present or not, in our home or in theirs.

They make comments to DS along the lines of 'you wont do XYZ in MY house..just becuase you have no discipline at home.." etc

We cant win, esp. DH. If we dont reprimand our child the way they would, we're not doing it right. If DH does, hes overreating and shouldnt be so hard on him. Its a no win sitaution with them, nothing is good enough.

Mind you these are parents who would like corporal punishment to be brought back in at school.

[allycat06]

I'm lucky to have a very supportive mum, for most things anyway. She practiced co-sleeping, babywearing and long term BFing herself and always encourages me to keep doing these things for as long as DS needs, so have never had any issues there. She can't however get her head around baby led solids and how we have chosen to delay vaccinating. We bump heads most over BLS, she constantly frets over him worrying about choking blah blah, even though he has never done so.
My MIL is pretty good too, the only thing she comments on is how DS sleeps in our room/bed, I can tell she thinks it is silly but usually holds her tongue.

My friends are the ones who I have the most trouble with but I don't let it bother me too much as only one of them actually has children. I am more amused by the fact they have the nerve to try and tell me what DH and I doing is wrong when they have no babies themselves. I have one friend who has a daughter 3mths older than DS, she does CC and gave up BFing after 2 months because she couldn't be bothered anymore (her words), so we clash a lot when it comes to parenting choices. I rarely see her but once we were out shopping together and I kept going to the parents room every 2hrs to feed DS after a while she asked me 'why do you keep feeding him so often?' Me: umm because he's hungry. She then proceeding to tell me that when she was BFing she only fed her daughter every 4 hrs even if she was screaming cos she needed to learn that she couldn't eat whenever she liked.

In the end I know what works for me and my baby but it does get really annoying having to constantly explain yourself only to get people rolling their eyes at you or telling you what you SHOULD be doing.

[Vixstar]

Not being rude or anyhting but - bugga them! This is your time to be a parent, they have had them.

I wanted to bf till 12 months but due to some issues with PND and Mastitis (6 weeks of it ) I had to wean DS#1 - which I do not regret at all as it helped me with my PND. DS#2 self weaned and no matter how many times i offered me to him...he just bit me...HARD! Hopefully number 3 lets me!

I am always truely envious of anyone who can continue breastfeeding. I am shocked at alot of grnadparents who were parents in the 60's and 70's that are so quick to say FF when things seems to get a bit tricky for whatever reason. They are so quick to judge IMO.

I used to rock my eldest to sleep when he was over tired or feed him to sleep on the breast....DS#2....at the nearly big age of 2 has twice recently let me rock him to sleep when we have been at the inlaws. I treasure all those moments.

YOU are doing a WONDERFUL JOB. 10 /10 hun....keep up the hard, yet rewarding work.!

xxxx

[alioops]

No, they dont, and they actively undermine it whether we are present or not, in our home or in theirs.

They make comments to DS along the lines of 'you wont do XYZ in MY house..just becuase you have no discipline at home.." etc

We cant win, esp. DH. If we dont reprimand our child the way they would, we're not doing it right. If DH does, hes overreating and shouldnt be so hard on him. Its a no win sitaution with them, nothing is good enough.

Mind you these are parents who would like corporal punishment to be brought back in at school.

Sounds like my parents.

When they come up they ignore all of our discipline and smack our kids, and I wince every time. We made such good progress with Em and then as soon as mum was gone we were back to square 1. I need to put my foot down.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

No, not supportive. My mother told me outright when DS was a baby that co-sleeping would kill him and breastfeeding on demand would kill me (her words - kill). She also doesn't agree with babywearing, not using chemicals in his bath, cloth nappying, letting DS decide when he wants to be toilet trained, baby-led weaning... pretty much everything. She always supported not smacking, but that's it. She also called me a bad mother for DS not sleeping through 12 hours at 2m old.

Mum is now a fan of co-sleeping. But that's it. She also gets cross that DS can climb on her sofa and reach the fruitbowl, so helps himself to fruit. Or the fruit on the sideboard. And I won't stop him. Why would I? Just because he turns down chocolate when she wants to give it. I only stop him at 5pm, so he'll eat his dinner at 6pm. Why not move stuff when DS is there if she doesn't like it? (He's there for a week or more at a time, usually, as Mum lives so far away we go for a full visit... I'm not policing him all week about a fruitbowl that she could move!)

MiL is of the opinion that he's my baby so I get to mother him how I want. I know she didn't really approve of me BFing him on the sofa when other people were around, but that's the only "problem" we've had.