DD1 just told me someone 'touched' her... :/ HELP!

[Glamourcide]

Okay, I am at a bit of a loss right now and would love some advice!
I just showered DD1 and got her organised for bed. As I was drying her off and getting her nappy, she was having a bit of a fiddle and I told her she shouldn't touch it because she would get sore or 'nappy rash'. She nodded and said something about 'kissing it better', and I told her that nobody should ever kiss her down there. She replied, 'The doctor did - he kissed it.'
Now, I know this is nonsense because obviously she's never been to the doctor unsupervised, she's not even 3 years old yet. So I assume she's talking about playing doctors and nurses at daycare, which I then quizzed her about.
Me: 'Which doctor, was it one of the kids at daycare?'
DD1: 'Yes.'
Me: 'Were you playing doctors and nurses at daycare?'
DD1: 'Yes, I was the doctor. I checked the blood pressure.'
Me: 'Was someone else playing doctor too? One of the boys, maybe?'
DD1 nodded yes and said, 'Yes, the boy doctor kissed it.'
I asked what his name was and she either couldn't or wouldn't tell me, and I told her that she should never let anybody touch her vagina or bottom and that if anybody tried to, she should say, 'Stop! Don't do that' and that she should tell mummy or daddy straight away. And if she was at daycare, she should go and tell Miss B, Miss A or Miss S straight away, and tell them who tried to touch her. DD1 followed perfectly, mimicked the 'Stop! Don't do that!' complete with hand motion, and a few minutes later when I put her to bed and gave her a kiss goodnight, I said, 'What should you do if anybody tries to touch your private parts?' and she answered, 'Tell Miss B or mummy'.

Did I do the right thing? She's going to daycare tomorrow (she goes Mondays and Wednesdays) and I will have a chat to Miss A and Miss B about this discussion and just let them know that there seems to be a bit of kiddy experimenting going on. I don't mind, I know I played lots of doctors and nurses as a kid, it's totally natural, I just don't want DD1 thinking that it's okay for anybody to touch her without her permission, or for grown-ups to touch her. Were my instructions the right thing? Please help! I'm a bit confused lol, I know she hasn't been near any adults unsupervised (I mean apart from her carers at daycare but I trust them, although one can never be 100% sure) and she did seem perfectly okay with her privates being touched so I assume she was a willing participant in whatever game was being played... but again, on the other hand, I want her to know that it's not okay for anybody to touch her, kwim?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated! TIA! :/

[Fleur]

I think what you've said to her is great.

Definitely have a talk to daycare. Also maybe contact Bravehearts, they have some great tools for kids to learn about boundaries etc. - colouring in pictures, storybooks & stuff.

It's not a bad thing for any kid to look at IMO.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

I do not want to doubt your daughter and her truthfulness. Having said that, DS is only 6 months older and about 6-7 months ago he started making stuff up.

He'd tell me that he was cross with Thomas because Thomas ate the food he had made for Bella in the [play] kitchen at Nursery. Thomas hadn't been to Nursery all week and DS hadn't been near the kitchen that day. He told Nursery that DH and I took him to the steam railway (true) and that we bought him a new train in a box (false).

Now, I know with DS that if he says something and I react to it, he will tell me it happened before. If I ask leading questions, as you did, he'll agree and make up a bit more. It's a story. He's having fun. It may be the case for your DD: I hope it wasn't anything bad. It's great you're telling her that no-one can touch her without her permission, but children's imaginations do go a bit wild at this age.

[beckoes]

like you said she sounds pretty comfortable with the situation so id say that she wasnt afraid or hurt by whatever happened....if anything-like lady Z said, it is possible that it was a story. I think you did the right thing and either way she needs to know that other people...child or adult...dont just touch you there! i hope it was just harmless child games and that you can use it as a way to teach her about personal boundries!! hugs to you

[Glamourcide]

^ That's what I was a bit concerned about too, LZ... although DD1 doesn't appear to have worked out yet that fibbing gets her more attention or out of trouble, kwim? I definitely am keeping an open mind about it and yeah, as I was asking questions trying to work out what had happened I did wonder if I was perhaps leading her too much.. :/ I do think that if anything happened, if anybody has touched her, it would have just been one of her little friends at daycare, maybe the little boy she told me was her 'boyfriend' (and I don't even know if she knows what a boyfriend is yet, so I definitely get your point about vivid imaginations lol!) and I don't doubt that she would have encouraged it, there are days when I have to remind her she has TOYS to play with so she stops fiddling!

So should I just keep a lid on it unless something else happens, and mention it to daycare if DD1 tells me something else of her own accord? I think as far as discussing it goes, I will just 'forget' about tonight as far as she's concerned and let her bring it up again (ie I don't want to 'lead' her any further) if she wants to?

[beckoes]

i think you should mention it to day care, even if you say that you think it could just be stories, it cant hurt to tell them just so they can keep an eye out for it. your probably right to not say anything else to her unless she brings it up, you dont want her to think that its a good story to tell for fun IYKWIM!!
DD is the same, as soom as were in the house, its nappy of and if shes not fiddling, shes legs spread having a good look!!! DP always worries but i just have to remind him of the stories his mum used to tell abuot him pulling his penis so hard she thought hed pull it off!!!

[Matryoshka]

I'd be aware of that lack of fear or pain can accompany children sexually abused because their molesters often groom them to feel that it is a fun and pleasurable experience. Even though she's mentioned daycare, I'd look at other situations where she might be alone with another adult, ie family member... sorry i'm not being awful... but most molestations occur with family members than outside the home, because of that element of trust.

I'm very verbal with my boys about calling their genitals by the correct name and that we don't touch anyone elses or let anyone touch ours as they are our "private parts". I think that's all you can do, is reinforce the message and look in to it..... hope its nothing more than a misunderstanding.

[Smoke Jaguar]

Def mention to daycare about this conversation.
At this age I'd caution against 'feeding' words and ask for the information rather than prompt specifics (like 'boy') - you'll never know just how much is really your question being faithfully answered or an answer given to go along with the theme you're providing, so you may as well accept that you're going to have to put pieces together from what SHE gives you.
Like LZ said, my DS has become VERY creative and has a hell of an imagination lately, so I let him tell me the stories and pick out what rings true and reserve judgment for so much!
Also, at Matryoshka says, if there IS abuse going on it could be ANYONE with unsupervised contact. You're gonna have to go with your gut Kids are vulnerable because their bodies say the touching feels good but the context (i.e. the perpetrator) provides great discrepancy on top of threats for breaking the silence. Survivors of abuse feel party to the abuse because the sensations were not all unpleasant, and they feel they 'should have' hated every aspect of it. Complicated, especially in littlies.
Thinking of you and your DD

[Sagres]

Like the others have said I would talk to the carers but keep in mind that it might have been a bit made up. You mention she hasn't learnt about fibbing and getting out of trouble etc. but I have mummy friends who's kids tell them they eat pizza everyday at CC and don't have naps, when infact the carers notes and circulated menu tells mum that they did not have pizza and they did have a sleep. Being a bit generous with the truth can happen even when there is no real purpose IYKWIM? But talk to the carers, they would know if the children where even in a position for this to have happened.

[Glamourcide]

Thanks, girls I did mention it to one of her carers this morning, a girl I'm friends with, and told her that I honestly can't say how much was true and how much was made up, but that DD1 had mentioned something about touching and that I just wanted them to be aware of it. She assured me she would let the other carers in DD1's room know about it and keep on top of it, and let me know if they heard anything more (from either DD1 or any other kids), so at least that has put my mind at ease. I'm absolutely positive that if anything has happened, it would have just been her mucking around with her little friends, the only adults she is ever around without my eyes being on her is my parents - and I know people say 'Oh, but family member x would never behave inappropriately with my child or others', but I can absolutely guarantee that neither of my parents would EVER do anything remotely like that. Other family members and friends I can't be 100% about and for that reason I never allow them to look after DD1 without me being around (eg my brother - nice kid, I have no doubt that he would never hurt DD1, but some chances you just don't take, kwim?). I try to be 'alert, not alarmed' when it comes to this kind of stuff so I am definitely keeping in mind that there is no reason to panic and I'm sure everything's fine - I feel much better about it today after sleeping on it last night - I was just caught a bit off guard as I hadn't really thought I'd have to have this discussion with DD1 just yet
I am so grateful for all your advice, I didn't even talk to DH about it until this morning lol, just jumped straight on BB knowing that you girls would have some wise words for me I appreciate it!

[NaeNae]

Sounds like you have handled things beautifully Donna.

Its always a tough one, I would like to share a story from my childhood.

I was staying the night with the neighbours and without the details Male neighbour tried to touch me. I told mum what happened and she went psycho nuts at neighbour when he came over to say nothing happened (which it didn't but nearly did). Mum and dad contemplated going to the police, which they decided not too as they didn't want it to affect me for the rest of my life. They told us kids not to go over to neighbours any more but how can you tell kids not to see their friends any more?? Eventually neighbours moved away. Mum has always made me feel awful about it as she always says " I can not believe after what happened with neighbour that you still wanted to go over there"
I believe because it was "down played" I didn't understand why I shouldn't have kept going over there itms. so instead of not letting the nearly incident affect me for the rest of my life I have my mother making me feel guilty for it.

my moral is,

you have done the right thing in handling the situation the way you have, hopefully it will never happen again but if it does don't down play the seriousness as your child will not learn that she is in the right for reporting it .... dunno if that makes any sense....

well done hun in handling what would be a difficult, delicate and disturbing thing to hear your child say x x