Someone HELP me!

[muming]

Sorry, don't mean to sound so desperate but I'm getting that way. I have three girls and have breastfed the first 2 until about 16 months of age when my milk supply dried up due to pregnancy. So weaning was not an issue, it was just what had to happen. This 3rd little chicken, Meika is turning 2 in June and she is totally addicted to BOOB!

I have loved breastfeeding and have never had any problems with it but it is starting to have a negative affect in many ways now, on the child, my partner and I guess me, as I'm not getting enough rest at night.

My Partner wants me to stop feeding her, cold turkey, right away. This upsets me and I feel I just can't do that to her.

Meika asks for "Boby" quite often through out the day, which I will offer a substitute with a drink or food. Sometimes she just needs a drink of water and that's fine, but other times she will refuse food or drink and just scream and scream and throw herself on the floor until she gets a drink of "Boby".

Night time is the biggest stress as she co-slept for a long time and drank whenever she needed through the night. She has been in her own room since January and is put to bed in her cot after a feed on the chair. After this there is usually 10 - 15 minutes of screaming or tears to follow before she falls asleep. Now somewhere between 11.30pm and 1.30am she will wake and scream and kick and carry on, even when I am in her room with her she will carry on until I give her a drink of boob. I then end up bringing her to our bed as I'm usually exhausted and she will then drink several times until the morning! I have tried giving her bottles, sippy cups, milk, milo, etc etc, but she just throws them on the floor.

My partner now sleeps on the mattress on the floor, (which was intended for her), I'm getting hardly any sleep and I just don't know what to do.

Meika is really little for her age, and is not a great eater. If she was a little chubby i probably wouldn't find it so hard to just stop feeding her. I feel like she has me wrapped around her little finger, but at the same time I want her be nourished.

Sorry for the length...I think I need a counselor! :-)
What should I do? Do I just need to be really tough? Maybe she will eat more if I refuse to feed her?

[Miss H]

Oh I think I'm going to be in the same boat as you. I know how hard it can be when DH wants you to quit straight away but it just doesn't work like that. I have no solutions for you and am subscribing as I hope to here what other people have to say. Good luck and I hope it all works out for you!

[Peg]

sounds like a tricky situation

i breastfed all my 3 but never had this situation with them so I am only going off my instincts here

I would probably try getting her used to the bottle and perhaps subsituting the boob for the bottle...perhaps you could give her the boob at night, but the bottle during the day. Then once she's accepting of that, try to introduce the bottle during the night too.

If she doesnt accept the bottle you could try to bargain with her. You can tell her she can have a boob later if she has this bottle first. That may give her incentive to have the bottle.

This is a true story, but i worked for a woman who had a 4 year old who was still on the boob. It was awful to witness, but he would stamp his feet and start ripping her top open if she didnt feed him. there was nothing worse then watching a 4 year old demand boob

[Shades]

This is a true story, but i worked for a woman who had a 4 year old who was still on the boob. It was awful to witness, but he would stamp his feet and start ripping her top open if she didnt feed him. there was nothing worse then watching a 4 year old demand boob

Actually in some countries it is common for 4 year olds to still be having the boob occasionally, and even in Australia there are more mums than you'd think (some who are here on BB I'm sure) who choose to breastfeed for an extended period of time... Just because this isn't your choice doesn't mean it's fair to call it 'awful'.

In response to the OP I would be thinking that there is perhaps something she is still getting out of the bfing... whether it's closeness with mum, or undivided attention or some other emotional need... Perhaps you could try finding out what that need is and seeing if it could be met in other ways more acceptable to you both.

[beckoes]

hugs to you hun, i recon il have the same problem, cant imagine DD ever wanting to wean!!! my friend weaned her dd by cutting down to one feed just before bed time then eventually stopping that one, involved crying a screaming in the end it worked, i would be lovely if they could all self wean, but i guess sometimes you have to give things a bit of a push! i think by her screaming and eventually getting boob she might think that is how to continue so it might be a bit harder. DD want to feed all bloomin day so if its just before dinner or ten mins before bed or something and i want to eat or wait a little i tell her they are empty till bed time. she understands that, maybe you could try explaining that milk is going and she has to have milk in a cup casue its all gone. Maybe take her shopping and let her pick a special cup that she likes. hugs to you. hope you work it out!!

[Matryoshka]

Muming, your DD sounds just like my DS1, and your situation too. His constant feeding really killed my dh and mines intimacy, because of the constant feeding (i just didn't want to be touched after having someone on me constantly), and also having him in our bed (we co-slept til beyond 2 years), my dh usually ended up on a mattress on the floor as no one was comfortable.

I'll be completely honest with you and say that although it sounds harsh, sometimes cold turkey is the only way to break the habit. Breastfeeding beyond 2, or 3 or whatever needs to be beneficial for EVERYONE, not just the baby/toddler. I tried everything, literally everything to wean him slowly (but given that i was also breastfeeding my newborn at the same time, it made it even harder). I tried limiting the feeds, but he would just refuse to drink, or hold out until i did BF him. He wouldn't eat food, he would always choose the boob over food, and was extremely fussy. I kept feeding him worrying about him not getting nourished. I kept hoping he would want it less, but he just didn't.

I eventually reached a point where i could no longer go on with it, as i was feeding the toddler through the night, the baby through the night, barely had the energy to even speak to my dh let alone touch him..... and developed PND. The only option was to just go cold turkey, and i did this in the kindest way possible.....

It was partly true, but i simply said to him "mummy has gotten sick from booboo feeding so much, and booboos are sore now, so you will now drink milk in a cup".... "i still love you, and will hold you close to my chest, but i need you to drink from a cup". He was 2 years/7 months, so a bit older than yours... but he did understand. Yes he cried for it, and it broke my heart, but physically and mentally i was spent. Whenever he cried for it i held him to my chest and told him how much i loved him, and how sorry i was, but that i couldn't do it anymore. As there was no other option he did take milk and water from a cup. He did ask for weeks afterward, "are booboos still sore", and i would say yes, and comment on how great he was drinking from a cup, and thanked him for understanding my needs.

This in itself was great for him, he learnt that i was a person with needs to. And we are still very close, it hasn't affected our relationship at all. Plus, my fussy, refusing to eat food toddler suddenly got an appetite!!! He started eating regular meals and trying new things. I believe the breastfeeding was holding him back, and it was good for him to learn that he could cope without it, that he didn't need a breastfeed to fall asleep.... It allowed me to focus more on my baby, and get my relationship back on track.

I hope sharing my experience has helped... going cold turkey doesn't have to be cruel, it can be done gently, and can be a valuable experience.

[RoyaUK]

it sounds like it's the night time feeding that is concerning you more than the day time feeds. I was in a similar situation with DD2 up until 1.5 months ago. She was just about to turn 2 yrs old.

I asked my DH to tend to DD2 throughout the night and that I was no longer going to feed at night - I was about to give birth to DD3 and couldn't face being on call for a toddler as well as a newborn. Given that he had barely got up to her in the 2 yrs, it wasn't much to ask!

I brought forward the bedtime feed to 6.30pm so it wasn't followed straight away by bed - we then brushed teeth, read a story then cuddles & lights out.

It took a couple of weeks before her wakings reduced to just once a night and only now & again not every night. DH had to tend to her every night when she woke (which was up to 3 times a night) and take me out of the night time experience for her. THe first few nights were tiring for DH, DD2 and me (only because I was listening in bed to the crying). But as i said good night to her every night she asked for mummy milk & I said mummy milk has gone to bed now, time to go to sleep. She understood, didn't like it but got the message. She actually sleeps much better now too.

Now, she sits on my lap at story time says 'mummy milk bed' (as in 'gone to bed') and i say 'yes, but you can have some in the morning after breakfast' and she is happy - I think knowing that it will be happening again the next day.

[Jennifer13]

Well, my four year old only stopped having booby only a month ago. When she was really upset before that she might get a bit demanding, like any child of that age. I hardly think 'awful' is the way to describe an upset child that is asking for something it finds comforting. Would you think it was 'awful' if she'd have been screaming for her teddy/blanket/doll/Mummy? Well, it's just the same thing. I'm sorry your boss faced such an attitude when she was responding to her child's needs.

Back to the issue at hand...

I night-weaned my DD at about 16-17 mths, because of the same issues, muming. I couldn't handle the waking, lack of sleep and my DP didn't appreciate it much either. There are a few threads around here on night weaning, you might get some tips from those. It took us a couple of weeks before DD stopped waking and asking for booby, but it didn't take more than a few nights for her to stop really protesting. She was a bit littler, but you might have a better shot at explaining it to Meika because of her age. We used, boobies are asleep at night, you'll have to wait until the sun is up. I offered a drink, plenty of cuddles and waited it out.

Another thing we did was if you weren't sleeping or going to sleep in our bed, you couldn't stay (so I'd put her back in her bed). Again, persistence was the key. I also put her down in her own bed at bedtime, but let her come in to us if she woke. Don't know if that helps, but I'm guessing if you get the night weaning happening, the night waking will not be as much of an issue.

Hope you can resolve this soon, it sounds like you have less of a weaning issue than a waking issue, and I can imagine that makes you think of any solution that might work!

[muming]

Thank you all so much for your stories and words of wisdom. If anything it has reminded me that I am not the only one in this situation and that I haven't done anything wrong, which is sometimes how I tend to feel.

I am mulling over what to do next, but I think which ever methods we decide on it is going to involve a lot of noisy tears, and consistency and perseverance!

Thanks again for your kind and helpful words. I love Belly Belly!

[onthefly]

Hi Muming
I understand your frustration at the lack of sleep. That's really tough!
I think in the greater scheme of things, 2 is still a fairly young age to wean (I mean for babies/toddlers to wean themselves) so it's not really that strange. I also think when they're that determined, maybe it is something they really need still, you know - not that you can't try to cut back a bit for your own sake!

She's old enough now to understand if you tell her things like 'Milk sleeps duing the night, we feed during the day'
Also, you can try getting your DH to take care of her overnight for a few days - that can help break the habit.

Be prepared though - she will resist but you may find though that the worst of it is over very quickly. Just be there (or your DH) to offer comfort some other way. If you've decided to cut a feed out or stop altogether then gather yourself first, ensure there's nothing going on with your DD like teething or illness that will make it extra hard on her and stick to your plan.

We night weaned DS at 14 months. DH looked after him for a couple of nights - DS was fine, since this was a lovely novelty at first. But, then he started getting upset and demanding mummy. For 4-5 nights I took over from DH about halfway through the night and would give DS a feed, but pushed that feed later and later. By the 5th night it was around 4am and I resolved not to feed him any earlier than that. I told him milk was sleeping during the night - he HATED to hear that. Probably the 2nd night of this was the worst,then it got better and better. After 2 weeks from teh start of this he stopped asking altogether.

All the best~

[Ginger]

just subscribing to this thread.

also wanted to add that my ds1 seemed to really enjoy having cows milk out of the 'tommee tippee closer to nature' bottles over any other type- i think cos they are the most 'breast like' and this seemed to help in replacing his bfs.

[Olive]

im in the process of night weaning my 13 month old and im using Dr Jay Gordan's method,its designed for co-sleeping breastfeeders! its been hard but were getting there, i highly recommend googling him!