Help! I need advice please!

[Jandals]

I'm hoping for a bit of help from you mamas that have more than 1 little one

I have DD4 and DS3mths and I'm finding it a bit of a challenge to keep everyone happy. DD is in kindy 2 days a week but the days we are all home together I'm struggling. DS doesn't sleep much during the day and most of the time is only happy sleeping on me. He'll drop off to sleep while I'm holding him and even if I wait until he's in a deep sleep he will wake as soon as I put him down. He will sleep in the close carrier but my back has been a little sore of late and I find if he's in the carrier for too long I end up more sore. So my problem is that I don't have enough time to give to DD during the day and I'm feeling really guilty about it. I also miss the time that I had with her before her gorgeous brother arrived. I so don't want her to feel shut out.

I know that she's feeling it too because her behaviour has taken a dive, which in turn makes it even harder because I know why she's being so demanding and not listening but I don't know what I can do about it and I end up getting frustrated . I've been much less patient with her and I'm not at all proud of the parenting that's been going on the last couple of weeks but I'm really unsure what to do. I feel like I'm constantly asking her to either "shhhhhhh" when I try and put DS down or telling her she'll just have to wait until DS is asleep. She's such a sensitive wee thing and I feel like I'm doing some horrible damage to her by being so unavailable I'm so torn as I refuse to let DS cry it out to get him to sleep (if I was him I'd rather sleep tucked up with mummy too), but poor DD is really missing out on my attention. How can I fully meet the emotional needs of 2 kids at once (I know there are many women who manage with a lot more than 2!)?!

I do have some quality time with her when DH gets home but it's just not enough and doesn't seem to have much effect on how our days at home go. We also try to include her in as much as possible with DS ie. bath-time, nappy changes and play-time. I take her out and have friends over for her but it's not realistic to do that every day. I'm considering a 3rd day at kindy but can't decide if I'm doing it for her or me and don't want to put her in another day if it's just for my own selfish reasons. Part of me thinks it would be good for her because she's not getting the stimulation or time from me at home and it will help her prepare for school next year and the other half thinks this is her last year at home with me and I should be making the most of having her here. As you can probably tell, the mummy guilt is in full swing and I'm feeling pretty inadequate

Whoa, this had ended up a lot longer than intended. Thanks for getting this far and any advice will be very greatly appreciated!

[Fig]

Hi Jandals, I really feel for you. I felt very similar to you when my baby was very little. I don't know if I can offer any very helpful advice only that it does get easier. My baby only ever slept on me in a sling, or in my arms. If I did manage to get him to sleep in the cot, it never lasted very long. My 2 year old really had some bad days. She didn't get the attention she was used to, played up ALOT, and I always felt like I was telling her off. The one thing I did was back off her discipline. I only corrected the really bad stuff, hitting etc and then I did it by doing a 'time in' where I took her to her bedroom and talked about why she was doing what she was doing. Like, "are you throwing things because you are angry mummy is feeding the baby". (This was started after months of hitting my head against a brick wall with her behaviour).

Now my baby is 8 months he only has two sleeps a day, one of which is normally on me. Luckly that happens to coincide with playschool so I hold him while my DD watches TV. Not the best solution, but it works for us. He has started crawling and the two of them interact alot more. She seems to really enjoy having him around most of the time now. If we ever go anywhere without him, she always asks where he is and why isn't he coming.

In the long run I don't think she suffered that much from not having my 100% attention. She mostly gets attention all day again now, only its half from me and half from her brother. We all do stuff together and honestly I think she is happier for it.

Goodluck with it all. I really hope it starts to get easier for you soon.

[skeetaboat]

I remembr feeling the same way when DD was younger. I also found that my parenting towards my eldest was not at it's best at that time too. It's hard to have the energy to be your best when you're constantly juggling competing needs, but you will find things that work for the three of you. It does get easier as bubs gets older & sleeps better & the older one adapts to the new status quo. I found going to the park or a playground good- baby would sleep in the pram while toddler enjoys running around. You can join in with toddler & use the time to play one on one of you can take a coffee and sit din & relax.

Would finding a differenT sleep arrangement help? Maybe you could try mixing up the routine & see if you can find dome other way he is happy to sleep? (hammck, swing, pram, fee to sleep in bed, etc)

I resorted to the tv sometmes too to keep toddler quiet & amused while I got bubs to sleep. Computer games and leap frog readers are a hit here and less passive than tv if you're looking for something different.

I second easing off with disciplining, and spending as much time possible. Get her involved in cooking dinner & house chores if you're finding it difficult to fit everything into the day. Behaviour improves ought of sight when I spend one on one time so I try to work it in every way I can. Special activities like baking together or watering the plants together or doing a grocery shop together are all winners.

Best of luck. It really does get easier when the younger one gets older and the older one starts playing with them & enjoying their company.

[Ginger]

will your baby sleep in the pram?
i would sometimes pop them both in the double pram and walk over to the playground near us. by the time we got there ds2 was usually asleep so i could park the pram in a safe spot and let ds1 out to have a run around and play and some one-on-one time with mummy.

[adleysmummy]

Make sure you repeat to yourself that you are a GREAT mum!
Going through the change from 1 to 2 kids can bring about many changes that we don't think about!
My DD used to enjoy sleeping on me during the day when she was small, I have a Moby wrap which took away all the stress from my back as well as allowing me to have my arms free to be able to enjoy activities with my older DS.
We also go on a walk every morning as part of our routine to put my DD to sleep. She is a little older now (11months) so doesn't go to sleep on the walks anymore but after our walk she goes straight down in her cot after a feed, no crying.
Do you have someone who can come and cuddle with your son a morning a week to give you some time to play with your DD? Or focus on spending time with her when your DS is awake and settled.
Don't beat yourself up, things do get easier. You are doing your best and you won't damage your daughter forever. On the really bad days I try to remember to praise my DS 10 times more then I correct him, makes us both feel better!

[~Kim~]

Big Jandals.
I still have days like that....
The fact that your are concerned means you aren't doing anything wrong. She's still little, and trust me, in 20years, she's not going to hold it against you.
I had DD at CC a couple of days when DS was small, but we had to taper it off due to $$$ and now we've moved. I seriously cannot wait for her to start preschool again in a month or so.
In the mornings when DS is a bit more high maintenance while I'm doing all the things I have to do I set up a couple of activities just for her (lego, textas, puzzles, littlest pet shop - stuff he can't play with) on her table and the beds in her bedroom. WHile I'm pottering she can still natter to me and DS isn't in her face.
While he sleeps, she's allowed to pick what she wants to do.
FWIW there is another thread today on 4yos and the trial they can be as well, so please don't feel like you're doing a bad job.

[Jandals]

Thanks so much for all your kind words. It's good to know I'm not alone - I think sometimes just knowing that it's not just me helps!

Today was a slightly better day. I managed to put DS in his bed for his first morning sleep. I just waited until he was almost asleep then patted him for a while once I put him down. He only slept for about 40 mins but it was enough to get myself and DD dressed and ready to go out, which was really exciting and made me feel slightly successful

I also took your advice fig and skeetaboat and decided to back off the correcting and try for a more relaxed environment. I asked DD what she would like to do today and she wanted to make a strawberry cake. So off we went to the supermarket this morning to get unfilled sponge, cream, strawberries and sprinkles. We made a beautiful cake and had a lovely time doing it. DS was happy enough watching from his swing so all in all the morning went well. Then my DH came home early, I went for a massage (mothers day voucher), then DH took DD for her 4 year old vaccinations. Tomorrow and Thurs are kindy days and we have play-dates for Wed and Fri so I'm hoping the rest of the week will go okay as today was really only a half day.

Ginger - he will sleep in the pram sometimes. The movement definitely keeps him sleeping a little longer if I'm out and about and he's dozed off. The park's a great idea as DD is very high energy so any way to burn some off is a good thing.

adleysmummy - thanks for your encouragement

kim - brilliant idea to set things up in DDs bedroom. She can actually be really good at playing on her own, I just need to get her set up.

I think 99% of how the day goes depends on how I'm feeling - if I'm tired and grumpy or just feeling a bit blah DD totally feeds off it. So with that in mind I'm off for an early night.

Thanks again