Are we the only ones struggling? Feeling very alienated and lonely here

[Ella]

Hey lovely people,

So after another fight with DF about our financial situation (he's not very good at talking about emotions) I'm stitting here thinking that we can't be the only ones struggling. With DF working full time and getting FTB and a little bit of parenting payment for me, we can't make ends meet, every week we choose things not to pay and are stressing about making it through to the next pay day.

DF and I are both stressed, we haven't been communicating alot about it cause I think it freaks him out and DS is totally picking up on the stress levels, not to mention the fact that I have the overwhelming urge to run away from everything lol.

But the most stupid thing is, there are all these people around us that seem to be doing fine and pretend there's no problem whilst putting everything on cards. If there are so many people out there in the same boat as us why doesn't anyone talk about it?

Would love to hear from anyone as I feel like a very lonely housewife at the moment and keep getting criticised for being honest about it all....

[Butterfly Child]

You are definently not the only one hun, just alittle reminder that im always here for a talk or to listen like i mentioned to you earlier x..

Altho i dont no what its like in living in a partnered situation i can imagine it would be really difficult to not have the comunication lines open, but i do understand the male species and how they close themselves off when things get hard sometimes especially when it comes to financial hardship they feel like its their responsibility etc, hope u guys can talk properly when he gets home and he opens up to hun xxoxoxo

[~breeze~]

When I was still married to XH we were kinda in the same boat. Although I was in charge of paying all the bills so they got paid first every pay day. There wasn't a whole lot left after I paid the bills & XH spends money like there's a money tree in his house (still does). So he was buying anything he wanted & putting it on the credit card. I asked him numerous times not to spend money we didnt have but he just couldnt control himself. We ended up refinancing the house to get enough money to pay off what he owed on his 2 credit cards (about $50,000) & I begged him to lower the limit to $3000 & get rid of the second. He wouldnt. As far as I know he's maxed them out again but luckily its not my prob anymore.

I'm no financial advisor but if XH had've stopped his exessive spending after we paid off the credit cards & got rid of one & minimised the limit on the other then I think we would have been ok? Is there anyway you can consolodate (is that the right word?) your loans/credit cards (if you have them) so you can pay the minimum for your bigger weekly/monthly payments?

I also find that buying home brand saves alot of money (something XH would never let me buy!)

Most weeks I'm only just getting by, although I'm not working atm so thats not helping, so I do understand what it feels like to have to watch every dollar while those around you go out every weekend & eat in restaurants etc. Oh, while I'm talking about restaurants... see if you can find some vouchers for local restaurants. I currently have some "buy one meal get one free" vouchers so when my mums visiting next week we can go out to dinner & go halves in the bill (which will be small), it is nice to try & get out now & then

I'm really no help but I hope it helps a little knowing that you're not alone I hope you get through this rough time alright

[Mum2Romone]

U certainly arent the only one lol

[Kazmar]

bahahaha only one?!!!! Im here too! lol.

[Ella]

Thanks for replying girls.

Breeze- unfortunately we already do the homebrand stuff so no more savings there lol. We're going bankrupt in July but even so it's still going to be tough to pay what we have left. I know its a big decision but we've seen financial advisors and they've agreed its the best thing for us to do at this point.

I guess I just think that people might be able to handle things better if there was more communication going on, not just between husbands and wives but between neighbours and friends, stuff like that. It's alot easier to cope if you don't feel like the only person alive with your problem!

[Little Chicken]

You are so not alone! We live pay to pay here as well. I understand just how stressful financial pressure can be when you are the one paying the bills and juggling everything. We have one income (DP works full-time), and get FTB, and it barely covers everything. We don't go out, DD only has one activity we go to because I can't really afford anything else. We don't have any credit cards due to our business going bankrupt last year, so living off them is not an option for us at all. If we can't pay by cash, we don't have it. The only indulgence for us is austar and that is it. If you ever need anyone to vent to or talk to, then I am here for you I know exactly what it is like.

[Ella]

Muminalice- Thats great to know. Will be good to have someone to talk to who has done the bankruptcy thing too. Bit scary! Yep Austar is my one vice too, DF does smoke and drink alot of ice break though lol

[~breeze~]

Muminalice- Thats great to know. Will be good to have someone to talk to who has done the bankruptcy thing too. Bit scary! Yep Austar is my one vice too, DF does smoke and drink alot of ice break though lol

I was coming back in as I forgot to say about the pay tv but I see you have it. I dont have it (cant afford it) but its not like the old days, there are more channels now (digital tv), there are heaps of kids shows with ABC 1,2 & 3 & GO! channels & I watch heaps of shows I like on channel 7TWO. Thought I'd mention it as it would save alot of money if you could get rid of it I understand its very hard to do (I had it for all my adult years while married to XH.... only stopped when I became a single mum & simply couldnt afford it)

[Little Chicken]

Can I just ask, and you don't have to answer, but why wait till july to lodge? Is it for the end of financial year? Other wise it is just another month of debt piling up. I don't know if they have warned you of this but our trustee froze our bank accounts for a bit to ensure that everything we said was legitimate so just be prepared for that. Also they will want a fee as well but the amount depends on what is left in your estate. I felt horriible doing it, like I was chickening out of my debts by doing it, but we really had no choice, and the relief after lodgement was just palpable. You don't realise how much stress you are under sometimes until it is gone. Good luck.

[Little Chicken]

I agree with you breeze, life would be easier without austar, but if you live in the country there is no digital tv channels, in fact we don't get channel ten here at all. I sacrifice for it but it is worth it sometimes

[Asparagus and Lemons]

I feel your pain, we have not thought about bankruptcy yet, well it's crossed my mind but not dh's. I tell him we ar broke, but he just doesnt get it. He bought a motorbike on the credit card a few months ago because I said we hadn't maxed it out yet. Every weekend he says he wants to buy such n such, and I say you CANT there is NO money in our bank account!! And he asks why.. I save every last cent so I can afford the bills, but I always end up using the credit card to pay the bills which frustrates me because I cannot put the money back in there. I have had to get a credit card limit increase, I know it is bad as it just sent us into more debt... but that has paid for our bills in the last month. Dh is really bad with money, thats why I try to all the financing. But it stresses me out, every week we overdraw and get charged. And dh gets a bit of extra cash and he thinks he can do what he wants with it so he'll buy junk food and things for his bike. I have not bought myself anything in the last 2 years.. apart from one lot of maternity clothes.. they are ugly, but I needed something to wear!
We get free meals from the parents & inlaws, we dont talk about our struggles because we are embarassed, and dh just doesnt think its that bad. If I did have friends that were struggling, then I would definantly discuss it with them, but we hide it, so nobody would know unless they started the discussion. I just dont want pity or peoples charity, I am too proud, and I like to have things that we have earnt, I dont like people handing us money and I would never borrow money. I do sugar coat it for dh, but only because when I do tell him a bit of what is really happening he just blames it on me and tells me to get a job. So I dont bring it up as it just brings more stress. He gets mad at me when there is not enough money in the bank for wasting on his car or bike. I only buy food that is needed. And I am so tight with our money but my effort is wasted when dh sees more than $20 in the bank and buys himself hungry jacks for lunch because he couldnt be bothered getting the lunch I made for him out of the fridge!
Your not alone, definantly. I can understand that you would want pay tv if you dont have normal tv, as you would get bored staying at home all the time otherwise. Our escape from reality is a few times a year we will go to the cinema.. I get free tickets off survey sites though, so Im not paying for that! I really hope getting the ftb will help us a bit, I'd hate to loose our home.. but if things dont pick up then I would really have to sit dh down and tell him whats going to happen. I try to tell him, but he 'forgets' that we are broke and thinks that once he gets paid again then we have money, but he is very wrong!!
Sorry for the ramble, we should have a vent about this topic, it feels good to tell somebody.

[widdly]

Youa re not the only, we are so used to living pay day to pay day now thank to DH and his ridiculous pointless debt. Every single week I research on how I can save money on the grocery bill this week

[Astrolady]

Definitely not alone. We are a 1 income family living week to week as well. We are also classed as low income, but don't claim the low income benefits as I really can't be bothered re-applying for it every 6 mths. I really should though to help save on other stuff. Our luxury is the internet. We don't have foxtel/austar. We do have 2 cars, one nearly on death row though LOL. So come tax time all our tax return is going to fixing that car.

We don't own a credit card, just a debit card and I handle all the finances. I am pretty lucky as Andrew will ask if he can buy something. Also having a mortgage I can cease our mortgage payment for the fortnight if needed. I tend not to do it though. Want the house paid off eventually but have resorted to that once already this year.

[luna moth]

Sometimes I wonder if some of my friends look at us that way, and I worry that they're not seeing the whole picture. We're not struggling, DH is on a good wage, and I am still working. But we have some friends that are really really struggling.

We go on 6 interstate trips per year, sometimes more (to visit both our families) and last year we had a three week overseas holiday.
We haven't bought a house but we save money as if we had a $400,000 mortgage, so our savings are pretty big.
We go out to dinner at least once a fortnight, sometimes more.

BUT I buy 1-2 new clothing items per year, DH gets maybe 5 or 6 and the rest is second hand. OUr house is filled with second hand furniture. We shop at the markets every weekend to get cheap fresh produce, and then cook everything from scratch to make the most of it. We don't own a car, but even when we did, we make a lot of trips on foot or by bike, to lower petrol costs.

So we actually give up quite a lot to be able to enjoy ourselves the way we do. I decided to talk to my friend about this, as I flt that she and her DH were trying to live to this same standard, without seeing where we cut corners. It helped her a lot, and I think it made a diffrence just to talk about finances - not enough people do.

I guess what I'm trying to say is a) is there something you're not seeing? or b) would it help to open the discussion channel with them? Maybe you could save them from getting into trouble...

Anyway, it sounds like a hard road, and I'm really glad you have sought help. Good luck.

[Rouge]

Money isn't something people like to talk about it. It's a very old fashioned thing. Some people don't care, but you'll find most people like to talk more about what they do have than what they don't

I have learnt over the years, that people have misjudged us badly thinking we have more than we do etc. And I don't care anymore. I also tend not to care what others do with their money either unless it impacts me directly which it shouldn't LOL!

It can be depressing constantly pinching every penny.

And even though things are tight, and we don't go on holidays, and I can't remember the last time I bought furniture/clothes etc we are fine. We don't go without food, the children are happy and so are we all.

We don't really do luxuries, but we have children and they cost a lot LOL! A lot more than we could have ever thought... new clothes, kinder/schooling, activities, birthdays, christmas, easter, dentist appointments etc It all adds up, so I do think that most families struggle on some level iykwim?

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I've learnt to stop stressing. I've learnt to be frugal, and I've learnt that we will get there and we have for the past 5 years.

Definitely check out some of the money blogs around about frugal living, they help not only with how to save money, recycle etc but also with finances and how to handle them.

[Astrid]

WE have it tight here, which you would not think due to DH's income, but we are not the best money, well correct that DH is not and sometimes I just get sick of the "can't afford its". It is cheaper for me to leave his credit card maxed than to clear it, as it is cheaper to pay the interest than the whole card off. I can't budget the way I want. He wont have his pocket money in his account each fortnight, I have to keep it, as he will waste it. He refuses to look at the budget, but then argues with me when I say we can't afford it. We would be fine, but we have debt, it is the debt payments that hurt us. Also where we live costs, we need 2 cars, can't get ADSL so can't get cheap home phone and internet. Free to air TV is so non-existant out here, that we the only way we watch TV is with Austar. Past experience with DH has shown that without PayTV he will just spend $100's a month on DVD box sets or going to the movies ro more computer games. Austar works out cheaper. Seems stupid, but he has put us in the position of having to spend money to save money.

It sucks. I had more money when I was single and on the dole.

[Ella]

Muminalice- We've stopped making payment to the debtors that will go onto the bankruptcy, so it won't make much of a difference except to stop the awful harrasing phone calls. As for the tax returns, its partly that but not really, we have some other stuff we need to sort out and we want to sell some little things aroudn the house to try to catch up on things liek the phone bill electricity etc so that its all in order. I think its just the best time for us to do it, also need to be sure that we hae a stable lease on our house as I knwo that bankruptcy can make getting a lease alot harder. On that note have you found it hard (if you rent) to get a place with the bankruptcy record?