DH wants parental leave - am I just being selfish?
Ok, so this is a little premature seeing as we're not even pregnant yet, but the topic of paid parental leave came up last night. My employer offers 12 weeks at full pay, or 24 weeks at half pay. So our original plan, before the government came along, was just for me to take 24 weeks leave.
Now that there's 18 weeks minimum pay offered by the government, and it seems as though my employer must keep their plan in place, DH said he wouldn't mind taking those weeks when my 24 weeks are up.
I think it's great that he wants to be involved, it just surprised me a little as I just assumed I'd take that leave too. I think I'm probably just being selfish, but I worry that it would be disruptive to bub - 24 weeks with me, then 18 with DH, then alternative care arrangements when we both go back to work.
Just wondering what your thoughts are on this? Would it work very well?
I think it's lovely that your OH wants to take time off to be with the baby, but you may find that in reality the extended leave could be a chance for you to breastfeed a little longer. Until you have your baby and see how feeding goes it is too early, IMO, to plan this sort of arrangement.
However could your OH use part of the parental leave at the same time as you are on maternity leave to give you all time together as a family? That might work well without disrupting breastfeeding.
I think little babies need their Mums. Breastfeeding and attachment to their primary carer is so significant at this time. I am totally for fathers raising their children too but I think 24 weeks old is a little young for Dad to be doing it full time IMO.
Hi KTee. It really is lovely that your dh wants to take that time to be the primary carer of bubs. I'm curious at the 18 week min pay government thingo, I had presumed I wouldn't get anything other than the baby bonus, is this new legislation coming in perhaps after my baby is born? (sorry I guess that's a whole other thread). My 1st thought reading your post regarding your dh taking the leave is that it would really depend on if you choose to BF or formula feed. Granted you could express and then your dh can still do the feeding but with you working and expressing it would be lots of work for you. Our plan is for me to finish up work at 34 weeks pg and then I've told my employer I am taking 7 months total so I will get about 6 months (26 weeks) with me being the primary carer. I hope not to have to go back to work at all but if I do dh will be looking after bubs on the days that I am not here so I guess it's a similar situation to what you will be doing. If I am still breastfeeding I will express I's say but at this stage I'd only be working around 3 days a week. dh is taking about 2 months off when bubs is born and is using his holidays for that so it will be paid but all of my maternity leave will be unpaid (sadly). hmmmm not sure I've been any help really! I guess I think it would work well, why shouldn't you dh get to care for bubs? just as long as he's doing most of the work and your not going to work full time and then having to come home and do most things there too!
i would look into it a little further - i don't know to be honest if the parental leave scheme can be paid AFTER your normal mat leave entitlements - i am under the impression it has to be taken at the same time....
it's nice that your OH wants to take time off, but it might not be viable if you're BF etc. it's definitely a decision to make much later, when you know how you're going to feel, how your baby is going etc. but definitely check when that parental leave is to be paid! i may be wrong, but check it out hun!
I think that each parent having a stay at home time for bonding one-on-one time with bub is such a great opportunity if you can do it. It takes a lot of sacrifice and compromise from both parties. It ws always our plan, and was put in the place when Jazz was 18 months old - my partner ceased full-time work and became a SAHM and I went to full-time work and became a working mum. The was a part of me that wanted to stay at home still, I still have days where I feel heartbroken leaving her, and I cry at the though of missing out on things. But then I think, my partner must have felt the same way for the first 18 months. It isn't any easier for the non-birthing partner to leave their child at home and go to work, and so I sucked it up and did it for the sake of my partner and our daughter, and their bond. I am still breastfeeding, although I think its because I was able to stay home for the first 12 months. Once she hit 14 months she had cut down the number of feeds she had each day, and drank more cows milk, so it made it easier and I don't have to express. If I had to express it would have been difficult as I could never really get the hang of it, sometimes I'd get heaps, some days I'd get NOTHING despite being painfully full!
Personally, I think its a great idea. Maybe decide when it comes closer to the time. We had always planned on swapping at 12 months, but she was feeding so much at night that it wasn't feasible without me weaning. I wasn't willing to do that, so we put it back until she was settled (and able to be night weaned).
It can work, but you both have to be able to make it work.
Cherished, just this week legislation was passed that working mothers may be entitled to paid parental leave following the birth of their child (if they've worked a certain amount in the previous 12 months) - it comes into effect from jan 1. it would be in place of baby bonus for those that qualify.
Parental leave (as is offered already) can be taken by EITHER parent.
I think it is a fabulous idea. By 24 (that is almost 6 months old BTW) you will have well established breastfeeding, so that really will not be an issue, it will simply mean you need to speak with your employer about a time and place to pump.
I think it is ace he wants to take some time off to be with bubs too, and yes, selfish of you to say he can't or have objection after you have had that 6 months to bond. Dads need to bond too
don't get me wrong - my concern isn't the time for Dad at home with bub (i think that is a great idea after 6months-ish) - it's more the idea that the PAID parental leave, as passed by the government this week, is being considered as a source of income for that time - the way i read it, it's not going to work like that - i haven't been to work to confirm or anything, but i PERSONALLY read it that it is to be paid for the FIRST 18 weeks, and it's only if the mother returns to work within that time frame that the father (or other mother if that is the case) would be eligible for the payment. if the OP is eligible for 24 weeks pay at half rate, she would be deemed to be the primary care for the full 24 weeks, and the other carer wouldn't be able to be deemed primary carer (or be eligible for that payment) within that time frame.
Hey everyone, thanks for your replies I haven't had a chance to look into it (the scheme) further yet, but I'm pretty certain we couldn't take leave (from my employer & the government) at the same time, because then we'd both be classifying ourselves as the primary carer. I'm also pretty certain the leave can be taken by either parent within the first year of the baby being born, so we shouldn't have any problems starting it at 24 weeks.
Also, a benefit for us is that I only work a few minutes from home, so expressing wouldn't be hard and I usually come home for my lunch hour. Now that I've been thinking about it longer, I reckon if hubby wants that time with bubs to experience what I get to have for those first 24 weeks, it can only be a good thing for them both bonding-wise and for hubby to know what it's like to be the full time parent and me to know what it's like to leave for work every day.
But yeah, we'll think about it more when the time gets nearer I suppose. Thanks!
My DH took his long service leave at half pay when DD was 11 months old (not quite the same as 6 months) and it was the most wonderful thing for them. He had 6 months at home with her. They are so close now and it meant she was 18 months when she went to day care. We felt lucky to have had her home with us for all that time. I missed her terribly and thought I'd miss out on things but it I jsut had to remind misyelf DH had missed out on so much already!
If it ends up that he can't take it and you get your work scheme and the government scheme at the same time (in my job I will get both) maybe you could save the 18 weeks worth of money for him to stay home later on?
Family Assistance Office | C. What do I do if I am eligible?
this link outlinees it all a little more - it appears you can take your paid parental leave AFTER your mat leave (if you're entitled to it) - so as long as the mother qualifies, she can take a small amount of it first, and then hand it over to the father (i don't see anything in there about ONLY the father getting the whole 18 weeks, but i've only skimmed). as long as the mother has returned to work and the father (or other mother!) is considered primary carer at that time.
from a personal POV - i looked at returning to work for financial reason when DD was 8 months old but we weren't ready. she was feeding frequently over night due to teething, she was very clingy, and just not ready to be apart from me (admittedly, for several months i'd been her ONLY carer due to DH's work situation being away from home) - i wouldn't make any firm agreements with your DH about him taking x time off work after you've had a certain period as you need to see how you're going at that time. the last thing you want to do is commit to something and find that its just not going to work for your family dynamic. wait til your bub arrives.
i do agree that taking a period (even it's it's just the last month or two of that paid leave entitlement) when the baby is on solids and less dependent on mum for BM, it is a fantastic idea for dad to be primary carer for a while. My DH is doing that now while i work and is loving it - we "weaned" her off relying heavily on me between 9.5 and 10.5 months (got Daddy to do sleep time routine sometimes etc) to get her used to it, and we've had NO drama with me going to work at all. now if only these teeth would finish cutting and she'd go back to sleeping through so that it's not drama for ME that i have to get up and go to work in the mornings!
Snap BG - I've just looked that up too! Thanks And thanks for the insight re: what yourself & hubby did with your daughter. I'm thinking that if we could get bubs used to feeding with daddy with a bottle, if I've expressed or something, then it could be do-able and I'm not far from home anyway. But I'm also thinking that it's something that should be decided later when we actually have a baby (lol!), and we know how we're all working in together. The only thing that worries me about that is work - they won't know for certain if I'll be there for those 18 weeks or not. But seriously, too bad! Gotta do what's best for us
a lot of employers ask for a certain amount of notice (mine was 4 weeks) of your planned return to work. i was booked out for the full 12 months of leave, but was able to return early with that notification.
you may decide not to try a bottle until there is no need for a bottle anyway - at five months, DD was able to take a sippy cup rather than a bottle - she really wasn't keen on bottles (they're nothing like boobies lol) but will take anything from a sippy cup... wait til you see your Bub's personality and your own feelings towards returning to work before you decide. i know i was/am a shocker for expressing (get bugger all for my efforts) so if i'd returned to work before DD had cut back a lot of feeds on her own to replace them with solids and water, i may have ended up being unable to maintain enough supply for her to continue BF. there is lots to consider with this decision. first one is getting you pregnant lol
I don't think you should make the decision too soon.
I know that briggsy's girl has worked at centrelink so i would support the information she has given you. don't forget you can't overlap by anymore than 2 weeks, and there is still a maximum period of combined leave of 12 months for the majority of professions.
You both need to be considerate of your employer even though you are legally allowed to have the time off. Your partner can have as much annual or long service leave during this time as he likes.
your first 4 weeks of leave will possibly be without child so bubs might be 20 weeks old when you return to work. I went back to work when ds was 5 months old, at that time I was expressing 3 times a day at work, which gradally reduced as time continued. If you do plan to go back to work after your 24 weeks paid leave do as much research as you can into expressing. some people also experience some difficulty in expressing.
dh recently had a co-worker take parental leave for 6 months, he was back at work after 1 month
oh and mums need time for bodies to heel, hormones to settle etc etc
Last edited by kungfubecca; July 15th, 2010 at 01:03 PM.
DH wants parental leave - am I just being selfish?
Legally your employer is entitled to ten weeks written notice of your intent to return to work, and they only have to allow you to change that date once.
Ktee - I returned to work when our DS was 10.5 months and DH took his entitled paid parental leave and then 3 months of long service leave (so had 4.5 months / 18 weeks at home with DS), now I work part time and DS has two days with me, two days in CC and one day with my Mum.
This arrangement worked well for us both financially (we were able to make the most of all our entitlements) and DH LOVED spending this very special time with DS and DS LOVED spending time with Daddy - and knowing DS was home with Dad made my return to work much easier. Although if finances weren't an issue I would choose to be a SAHM, in hindsight I am VERY VERY glad my DH had the same opportunity to spend this 1on1 time with his child during this amazing time (where they change every day). We'll be doing exactly the same with baby #2.
In answer to your question about being selfish - the answer is Yes, but of course every Mum would want to maximise their time with their baby, so its perfectly ok. But I must say that Dads are just as good a parent as Mums, and we must give them the same opportunities where possible to bond and care for their babies that Mums get (because people assume thats the right thing to do). The relationship my DH and DS have is simply wonderful, and like all babies, DS will always want Mum first, but golly gosh he loves his Daddy to bits Also, the added bonus is that your DH will have a WHOLE new appreciation for everything you do, as they suddenly have an understanding of what it's like to be the SAHP.
I strongly urge you to give it a go, frankly I think Dads often get 'forgotten' amongst the whole new baby, new mother journey, and to be able to have a family arrangement where both you and DH have the same opportunity to care for your baby is a wonderful wonderful thing that will have long lasting positive effects in bonding your family
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DH wants parental leave - am I just being selfish?
I haven't had a chance to look into it (the scheme) further yet, but I'm pretty certain we couldn't take leave (from my employer & the government) at the same time, because then we'd both be classifying ourselves as the primary carer. I'm also pretty certain the leave can be taken by either parent within the first year of the baby being born, so we shouldn't have any problems starting it at 24 weeks.
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