Arghhhhhhhhhh the 4.5yo AGAIN - Cleaning own room

[Queen]

Please someone give me some of your wonderful tips and advice.
My 4.5yo is killing me
I thought I had it under control, really I did but now I have not!
Her room is a mess, has been for THREE friggin days, I refuse to clean it (ok refuse is not the right word, but trying very hard not to give in!!!) I have taken things away she is left with very little, but a mess none the less.
How do I get her to clean it?
This is payback for my messy room as a child I JUST KNOW IT!
Anyone have any wonderful tips???

While we are at it...Backchatting? How do I stop this?
I am so scared about having the naughty child I can not control
Help!

[AnyDream]

Sometimes kids get overwhelmed by the bigness of the job, it might help to break it up into smaller more manageable chunks, while you 'help' and encourage her.

I hear your pain, I still have trouble getting DD1 to clean her room, if left to her own devices it can literally take all weekend, ranting parents and new bald spot from where I'm pulling my hair out. I still need to set individual tasks and make the consequence fall back on her. In recent times I've had success by not serving her dinner until it's done...the longer she takes the hungrier she gets, but she's 12 and old enough to understand what's coming and self-manage to complete the task.

Re the backchatting, I make DD1 stand there and repeat whatever she was saying until she has expressed it in a pleasant conversational way, instead of a rude and disrespectful way. It's called "let's practise saying that nicely" and I have all the time in the world to wait until she gets it right. Not sure if that would work with a 4.5 year old though...

[Roryrory]

Hey there! I think its admirable you are trying to get your 4.5yo to keep their room clean, but IMO kids that age need quite a bit of help. Rooms don't get messy on their own or quickly - it takes time to pull out every single toy you own LOL! I would suggest you make the tidy up a game and as MD says break it into smaller parts. Once clean, keep a really close eye on it - the minute she is finished with one group of toys, make her put it away before she is allowed to start something else. Repetition and consistency are the only way to force the neat habit.

Also, do you have a particularly high standard of "clean"? Reason I ask is that as a kid it was not enough for my mum if my Barbies, for example, were all in my toybox. I had to put the shoes in the "shoe" box, the food in the "food" box and so on. It was really insane when I think back to it. I remember massive fights with my mum when she threatened to throw them all out if they weren't "organised" to her standard. Very few children are naturally so anal about organisation (she has since apologised for being so OTT!)

[~clover~]

All I will say right now is..... wait til she's 8!!!

With my 5 year old though, positive reinforcement is the key. Ie - clean up really really fast & you can have a choccy frog
Well its actually a le snack for DD2, coz she doesn't eat chocolate, lol. She doesn't do a perfect job, but she does it.

[~Kim~]

We have a routine. If you play with something, you put it away before you get something else out. Also 2x a day we tidy up, so I go in and help her tidy up.
It also helped when i sorted out her toys into 2 of those plastic drawer units with 5 drawers. Then she just gets one drawer out and when she's finished there's only a finite amount of 'stuff' to put away. More for helping her dad than anyone else, there are pictures on the outside of the drawers as to what goes where, then anyone can be part of the routine. It also helps visitors as well (read those kids who don't have routine and feel the need to drag everything your child owns out).

The backchatting thing is new here, but frustrating none the less. When I have patience I have been trying to do what MD suggested and lightly saying now how would you say that nicley to get your point across. When I am short on patience I either ignore it or let her know how rude I think she's being.

[mrsmac]

I have trouble getting my 10 yr old to clean her room!!!
I find if I break it up its easier for her- like I will say "pick up all the clothes", then chose something else to pick up etc. If you just say clean your room they get overwhelmed and can't do anything. Sometimes I get her to pick up and put away 10 things, then a bit later another 10.

[~Raven~]

Make a game out of it and help her to sort things into groups, then put the groups where they belong. You can make it look like you are doing it together but really you are just supervising and suggesting where things go with a little help if she needs it.

Don't react to the backchatting but if you do keep calm because if she knows it gets your back up she will keep doing it

[BellyBelly]

I wrote this exact same post on my FB page but about my 8 year old daughter!

We've moved in a couple of months, things were all over the place, and her room the messiest place in the house - so things are a bit chaotic and I should have been a bit more understanding - it was probably more about me feeling uncomfortable with her room and someone seeing it in the state that it was, and nothing more. Nothing was working asking her to clean up, but what did work is this. I decided firstly to be kind - with everything going on and even myself looking in her room, I felt overwhelmed and flabbergasted. Imagine how that would feel to an 8 year old who no doubt feels the same.

I scanned the room - she doesnt really have much storage. I bought these cute little shelf/drawers that go on her clothes drawers, I got her a dresser and mirror and a desk and chair, all in white and pink. I put away all the clothes for her but left the toys, and put her clothes basket in an easier to access place. I put a spare iPhone/iPod dock in her room with my old iPhone that she loves to play with and listen to music. When she woke up and saw it (I snuck everything in overnight) she was overwhelmed with happiness. She started assigning items to places, and shock horror - now is playing in her room and spending more time in there and with the iPhone dock, she cranks up the music and gets ready in the morning and does girlie things - its no longer a source of stress but relaxation and fun. I think once it is a place of stress, they just don't want to be there.

Yeah it still has mess - but it's not what it used to be and she enjoys her room more.

I also think 4.5 is a little young to expect them to clean their room, alone. Maybe put some storage in there with names on them, so she knows where everything goes and make it fun.

Something I used to do that they used to love at that age was when I had a pile of washing, I would tell the kids - let's have a treasure hunt - find all your clothes in this big mixed pile from the washing and lets see who has the biggest pile in their room when we're done!

[deletedit]

Rooms don't get messy on their own or quickly - it takes time to pull out every single toy you own LOL!

Yeah, slightly less than 5 minutes lol ... and that includes tracking most of them out into the lounge

I've had arguments with my daughter on how to STOP her cleaning. She does it compulsively (or did until I started paying her to clean since she does it anyway). Everything has to be lined up, colour coordinated. Except paper - paper just gets shoved in her desk drawers. Her room has been quite spooky looking since she got rid of all her toys that aren't white.

On the odd occasion her room or the lounge gets so bad I need to stand over her and crack the whip, what works is breaking it down into small tasks. For all that she likes to clean, she does it in the least efficient way possible and that drives me up the wall. I need to tell her to pick up all the books first, THEN the blocks, THEN the fluffy toys etc, otherwise she'll take 1 each of 5 things and carry them around the house (passing places where things she is holding belong) with her several times while she puts them all away. It takes her about an hour to clean the loungeroom if she is left alone. It takes me less than 5 minutes, and I can't really bend over.

Funny thing is she can clean her own room in less than 5 minutes and it looks pretty good in there, but she has almost no toys, it is just clothes and paper. Shove clothes in wash basket, shove paper in desk. Done. I suppose there are advantages to having a child that has never really played with toys ...

Edit: 2.5yo is the one who tracks millions of toys around the house and plays with them everywhere. 9.5yo owns about a dozen white fluffy toys that live on her bed and quite a collection of silver/white/crystal ornaments, but no other toys to speak of.

[mrswright]

Admittedly I'm not a parent and it's been a long time since anyone asked me to clean my room (although I do occasionally suggest to DH he might think about cleaning his...) but I'm just wondering why it's so important a child's room is clean? Apart from any obvious health and safety concerns, does it really matter? Can't you just shut the door so you don't have to look at it? It just seems like if it's causing so much stress it might be easier to say "let me know if you decide you want some help to clean it one day" and apart from that, leave them to it? Some people are naturally messy and it sounds like it's driving you both crazy to worry about it too much. Just a thought and perhaps there is a reason why it matters that I'm not considering?

[Queen]

First, Welcome to BB Mrs Wright.
The main reason is to teach DD1 to clean up after herself, to teach her to take responsibilty for something.
I have realised that perhaps I was *over-reacting* and a tad ambitious so now we do a joint effort! I sit on her bed, and tell her pick up all your barbies, clothes etc she really enjoys the company...

[deletedit]

Oh, there's reasons.

It is Very Very Hard to walk through a room that is almost knee deep in clothes and stuff.
Vermin get into food left out - and food not being allowed in bedrooms doesn't prevent this.
Sometimes it gets so messy you *can't* close the door on the mess.
You can't open cupboards when there is a pile of stuff in front of the door.
Child complains constantly they can't find anything.
If dirty washing doesn't get into the wash said child ends up with no clothes to wear and complains.
Fragile things like glass or ceramic ornaments on the floor (that should, of course, NEVER be on the floor but you can't see them) are extremely painful to step on in bare feet as they shatter.
Fragile things get trodden on and broken and child complains.
Books that are left half-open on the floor under a layer of other stuff can get very badly damaged and then you're up for a library bill.
Lost schoolwork attracts nasty notes from the teacher.
No end of complaints when power cords or batteries to things go missing and we refuse to give her new ones because they're in there SOMEWHERE.
In a smaller child's room, falling out of bed onto a pile of hard, pointy toys results in very nasty bruises.
Messy rooms are extremely easy to lose pets in, especially cats that like to hide.
Younger siblings can steal stuff from a very messy room undetected, or can vandalise things with texta or crayons undetected, resulting in many complaints from the owner of the stuff.

Not all relevant to a 4.5yo, and a lot of it is self-inflicted, but need I say more?

The amazing thing is when DD#1's room gets to even quite extreme levels of mess (mostly dirty clothes and paper), she can clean it quite fast.

[Roryrory]

Can I add to RE's list - if you aren't taught to be organised and look after your things, what hope have you got as an adult?

I firmly believe kids need to be taught (with age-appropriate lessons, of course) to do what they have to do before they do what they want to do. So my 2.5year old doesn't get a bubble bath til he puts his dirty clothes in the wash, and the 4 year old doesn't get dessert until he clears the table and takes his empty bowl to the sink after dinner.

[deletedit]

Can I add to RE's list - if you aren't taught to be organised and look after your things, what hope have you got as an adult?

Yes! So true!

This is something we are having no trouble teaching the little one but I lose count of the number of times I have to tell the big one to not trash books (she really mistreats books, we have HUNDREDS of books and they sort of drift into her room) and to keep her pens and pencils where the little one can't reach them or her stuff gets scribbled on. I always looked after books when I was a kid, they are very expensive and I liked to keep them looking new, not like someone has run over them with a lawnmower.

And it is NOT my responsibility to put her pens and pencils away for her. Nor is it my responsibility to clean texta marks off her stuff.

Edit: our 2.5yo is pretty good at clearing the table after dinner (although she has broken a few plates hurling them into the sink) and making sure our clothes as well as hers go in the wash at bath time

[mrswright]

Thanks for your responses everyone, I can see now why some of you would persist with it even it's so stressful to have those arguments Every family has their rules and expectations! We were never told to clean our rooms as children (it may have been suggested occasionally but generally my parents were the "shut the door and don't worry about it" types) and 2/3 of us turned out to be very neat and organised. (The third one...well...let's just say it's an ongoing joke in the family )