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Can someone please explain Jealousy to me?
I don't understand it, I just don't. Maybe it's because I'm not a jealous person, I don't know. I've been doing a lot of thinking recently and the only conclusion I can come to is that jealousy is behind much of what's going on in my life right now.
Everything we have (and I'm not talking about just material things) is from DH and myself working hard. We have put in so much of our time and effort to get where we are today yet to some it's seen as a threat.
Why can't people be happy for others? Why does it make people feel intimidated or angry when someone has something they don't? Why does jealousy consume some people so much that it eats away at them and makes them try to ruin other peoples lives?
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Jealously is an awful thing to have. It does eat at people and consume their lives, I don't understand it either. My SIL is unfortunately a very jealous person and because of it is now in serious debt. She has to go one better than everyone else, it is very sad.
Regards,
Dianne
I think it's helpful to remember that we all have a dark & light side. All of us - from the Dalai Lama to Ivan Milat. We all have it. How we choose to function with that darkness is what sets us aside.
Jealousy is something I think all human Beings have felt - even animals feel it. It stems from believing that someone has what you cannot yourself manifest.
Most of us can reason that quite quickly & turn envy into happiness for the other. Others take a bit of time to reflect. Some don't & it festers into the bitterness that is jealousy.
What I've learned in life is that it's what YOU do that's important. How you deal with that feeling being projected at you.
You have worked hard. You deserve whatever happiness & material things you have. This is not your problem. Don't however focus on her problem. Reflect on other areas of your life that you might need to work on (we all have them - my list is loooooong!). Take the lesson she is giving you. The lesson that we all have a dark side - hers is clear. Now look for yours and shed some light on it.
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I am a jealous person and I hate it.. It is due to my insecurities. I am mainly jealous emotionally, with partners (but, much less so when I feel secure) and I am jealous that other people find it easy to get pregnant and I don't.. I don't think it consumes me though.. I am extremely aware of it.. I am not jealous of materialistic things.. ( I don't think)... Interesting thread. Are you really not jealous of anything Tinks? I am jealous you are so secure in yourselflol
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I was talking to my psych, and she was explaining jealousy to me. She explained that jealousy is a combination of anger and self and others and resentment at others for causing anger to self. She was saying it's a very difficult emotion, and the worst emotion there is. She also said that you can try to explain it to yourself but you can't control / remove it from others.
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Blessedatlast, I do get envious, I think everyone does but it doesn't rule my life. In general, I'm happy for people who have what they have whether I have it or not. Does that make sense?
I personally don't agree that it's the "worst" emotion there is. It's a feeling we have. All of us. If we label it as bad we fear it and it grows!
I believe most of the painful feelings we have stem from fear. Jealousy is fear too. It's fear (translated to anger) that you haven't got what others have, you can't have it. This then leads us to the recognition we feel less than the other, not as worthy (self esteem).
I think we really do need to accept it as it is. It is. We all feel it or have felt it. It's not bad or good. It just is.
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Yes I agree.. I fear that I may never have living baby, and my jealousy with partner's is the fear that someone better than me is going to come along, which directly relates to my self esteem.. This has definitely provoked thought in me..Jealousy is fear too. It's fear (translated to anger) that you haven't got what others have, you can't have it. This then leads us to the recognition we feel less than the other, not as worthy (self esteem).
Tinks - Can you explain the difference between envy and jealousy? Is envy a less angry emotion? (Does that make sense??)
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In the context of our convo, it is the "worst" for someone else to be jealous of you. As in if someone's sad, you can make them happy. You can boost their confidence - but it's really hard to remove their anger at their self.
I've been having problems at work and it's likely that this is due to their jealousy and, as you've said - self-worth. I have what they perceive they can't have, and that makes them very angry at themselves which they take out on me as the source of that anger at their self. Offering to help them won't work, as that's (to them) another instance of them failing and me succeeding. So yeah, difficult to deal with in others.
BellyBelly Life Subscriber
I too am jealous at times. Not of people who work hard for their things (like you). She only works 4 days a week, takes taxis everywhere and then spends about $1000 a month on clothes, nicknacks etc. This does make me jealous, but what HURTS me is that she says "oh we don't have money to buy a house either, I know exactly what you feel like"... Grrrr no, you don't! And you do have the money, you just waste it!! I've been needing new glasses for six months now and can't afford them. Our rent just has gone up AGAIN (the second time in six months).
I hate being jealous. I wish I could just turn off my emotions and just be happy for them. But because they lead such a wasteful life and then complain about it, I sometimes just feel like they don't really deserve it. I know that sounds horrible (and I would go into therapy, if I could afford it). I guess sometimes it just beats me down how unfair life is. Quite depressing. However I am super happy for people who achieve a lot due to their hard work. I think they deserve to reap the rewards!
Sorry for the rambling! Dunno why that all spelled out
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IMO
- I am a jealous person but not of other people or materilistic things... I am jealous of what I don't have within my r'ship (if that makes sense). . . But i think that has alot to do with what has happned. I am jealous of what other people have (but i am not jealous of them, I am happy for them) Just wish that I could have it myself. And I think mine stems from what has happened - self esteem issues - lack of confidence - and I am angry at letting my self be put in such a position, and letting my self be hurt there is alot os self-angry behind my jealousy...
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I am someone a bit prone to jealousy I think. I am quite an insecure person and I think I feel most jealous of other people's confidence, not of the things they have. I think that I actually overcompensate for it by going out of my way to do things for other people. But I think it manifests in me not as anger towards them but just disappointment in myself - although logically I don't really have anything to be disappointed for. Strange feeling for sure.
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Hmm interesting thread for sure.
Ill have to say Im certainly prone to being envious, I am envious that my brother and his GF of three months have fallen pregnant (because she "cant" take the pill *cough BS cough*) which now make a total of 6 kids once the new baby comes along.....Her 2 boys and his 3 girls + the babe!! BUT i know nothing will change that this new baby is going to come along and I will love it regardless and also that my new SIL will be a part of my family now forever, so I have to build a bridge and get over it, which I have done and am working on, my new SIL is quite a beautiful person who loves my three nieces is a good mum to her boys and treats my family with much love and respect. I stand to lose too much if I was to dwell on the jealous and negative feelings.
So i can relate to the ladies saying that are jealous of people's situations but not their material possessions as there have been many cases where I have been envious of other peoples situations, even though my DH and I are in a strong loving relationship and we have a lot of success financially... IYKWIM!?
So to answer your question, I beleive Inanna hit the nail on the head, that my jealousy of this situation stems from my fear of possibility of not having children or the fact that I dont have children yet.
Because someone asked the difference between envy & jealousy. I began to answer & thought I sounded very confusing. So I found this:
Envy
Envy is a part-object function, it is not based on love. Some people consider envy to be the most primitive and fundamental emotion. It is a part-object process that is not based on love, it exhausts external objects, and is destructive in nature. Envy is destructive, possessive, controlling, and does not allow outside intruders in.
Jealousy
Jealousy, unlike envy, is a whole object relationship whereby one desires the object, but does not seek to destroy it or the Oedipal rival (father and siblings, those who take mother away. Jealousy, unlike envy, is based on love, wherein one desires to be part of the group, family, clan, nation… and be included in the group, the clan, the family. Jealousy has an Oedipal component, is based on love, and is a higher form of development than envy. It is a triangular relationship, in which one seeks the possession of the loved object and the removal of the rival.
These are definitions from PhD Joan Lachkar
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Interesting thread, I have often wondered about the whole jealousy V's envy thing.I don't think I am an evious person but I do get jealous especially when it comes to special friendships. Not jealous of other people having stuff, just when another erson enters the picture and relationships change as a result. I guess in my case I fear loosing the very close friends that I have or fear the change that some friendships develop.
Nae x
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Sorry, I've just gotten back to this thread.
Like you Inanna, I have a list a mile long of things I'd like to work on. How does one find their 'dark side'?
Reflect on other areas of your life that you might need to work on (we all have them - my list is loooooong!). Take the lesson she is giving you. The lesson that we all have a dark side - hers is clear. Now look for yours and shed some light on it.
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Interesting! I don't have any answers Tinks... just my own personal reflections. I agree with Inanna, we all experience jealousy/envy and we all have a dark side.
When i feel the green eyed monster rising up within me i do my best to reflect on when people have felt jealous of me. I recall how perplexed i feel when it seems as if someone is jealous... because they don't know the full story! Would they still be jealous if they knew the struggles I've had on my life path to get to where I am? Would they like to go through similar? I bet not. So... keeping this in mind i remind myself that whilst it SEEMS that other people have "it all" no body does, really. It might seem that everything has fallen into their lap but i bet it hasn't... there is always a price to be paid, from my experience.
There is a woman i know. She has never worked a day in her life. She is very wealthy due to family inheritance. She seems to have it all. Looking from outside I bet many of her friends are jealous. But I know that she will never have children and that she has an incurable health condition that will shorten her life (she doesn't tell many people this). Would they still be jealous of her life? I don't think so.
Jealousy is a type of "keyhole judging". (refer to THIS thread) You are judging a person yet probably don't know the full story.
With this in mind I find that my green eyed monster starts to return to it's deep cave on my dark side. I often wish i could tell people who are envious of me about the hidden "payments" i have made that they don't see... but you can't go around doing that all the time can you? So in the end it comes back down to just looking after your own spiritual/emotional self and saying a prayer/ hoping the best for others and their ability to look after their own.
Last edited by Bathsheba; October 14th, 2010 at 10:46 AM.
Registered User
I SO could have written this myself.
I have been guilty of being that jealous that i destroyed a friendship, my relationship and made nearly everybody around me hate me. I wanted a baby SOOO bad and when my SIL got pregnant with her 4th i lost it. I called her horrible names, i think i contributed to her PND i will never forgive myself for what i put her through and i'm lucky she speaks to me now.
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