** Please move this thread if it belongs somewhere else!
I have a friend who is currently undergoing IVF. She is 44 and her DH is 46. They produce healthy looking embryos which have so far not resulted in a BFP post transfer. Due to my friend's age and her gynae history they have been advised that a successful pg is unlikely. If she does fall pg. there is a great deal of doubt that she would be able to carry to term (she is likely to miscarry before 20 weeks). They do not have any other children.
So, surrogacy has been mentioned and my friend has been told that this is the best chance she and her DH have of achieving a pg. which results in a healthy child (they are considered too old to adopt). It has made me think... Could I be a surrogate for someone? I think that I could. It would not be *my* child, I would just be loaning out my uterus to someone else. Babysitting for 9 months! Obviously, there is a lot more to it than that but ultimately I think I could carry someone else's baby.
Could you be a surrogate? What would your concern's be?
I've thought about this before , but apparently to be a surrogate you need to have had a child, which I have but to be pregnant with a baby, and have my son realize and think it will be our baby, it would cause confusion, for the families children .... But it would also be a lovely thing to do for someone else.
I could do it. I think one of the criteria to be a surrogate is to have finished with your own family (ie. finished having your own children or not planning on having any of your own).
I also think that most, if not all, factors to consider, could be dealt with lots of communication between the parties. Other children will understand that Mummy is having a baby for someone else if it's explained to them and their questions are answered. I don't think that part would be difficult tbh. There's a lady who wrote a book recently (I think she lives in the ACT, not sure) and she was a surrogate for someone. Her main concerns were the legal ramifications, because surrogacy law is not particularly clear-cut in each State. For example, she says that if it turned out that the baby she was carrying had a disability or genetic abnormality, and the biological parents decided they didn't want that baby anymore, the surrogate would be expected to parent the child or put it up for adoption if she didn't want to.
I think surrogacy, or egg/sperm/embryo donation is a wonderful thing, if it goes well. I expect in most cases, and where the law is clear in protecting everyone involved, it goes really well. And what a wonderful gift to give.
It's very complicated. I think it would be a very brave thing to do, I know if I were ever to consider it, there would have to be lots of 'conditions'... like the baby would have to be made with egg and sperm of the parents, not mine or DH's... I could definitely only do it for someone that I truly cared about, I don't have any sisters but I would do it for a very close friend itms. While my girls are so young, I think it would be hard to help them understand that the baby was not going to be a sibling of theirs, that I was just 'loaning my uterus' (in a sense lol) to someone who needed it. I think for me, I'd prefer to have a sort of very open relationship after bub was born, ie be able to see the child and spend time with it in a family situation (ie get-togethers as a family, I wouldn't want to look after the child on my own itms, but be able to go and visit mum and dad and see the child) rather than have that connection for 9 months and then nothing. I would also like to do things like BF bub in the early days before the mum and dad take over, I don't know why, or whether I would want to do that if I ever *did* volunteer to be a surrogate for someone, but I feel like BFing is really important and would prefer any child to get *some* breastmilk rather than none at all :/
Very tricky situation!! But yes, I think I could do it for someone I really cared about, if they were able to accommodate my needs and feelings and agreed with my ideas on pregnancy, birth and parenting.
Egg/sperm donation, to me, is a different story, and would be a much more difficult choice for me. When my eggs are involved, that means there's really a half-sibling to my own children somewhere out there and tbh I'm not sure if I could cope with that or explain it to my kids in a way that satisfied them and myself. 'Loaning out' my blood supply and uterus, sure, could do it is the circumstances were right... putting my genetic material out there and creating a baby that is mine but someone else's would be much harder
Best of luck to your friends, I really hope that they find a way that works for them and results in them having the family they have dreamed of for so long!!
Last edited by Glamourcide; October 16th, 2010 at 04:58 PM.
When we were having trouble ttc, my sil and I were driving somewhere when she said, out of the blue, "you know if you can't have a baby, I'll have one for you" I was overwhelmed! Knowing how amazing it is to be a parent, if one of my brothers wives could not carry a baby I would seriously consider it for them. Using their embryo would be my preference though. I don't think I could do it for a stranger or even just a friend though.
I would do this for somebody I knew and cared deeply for. I actually love being pregnant but am not clucky or keen for more children at all so I think it would work out well. I can understand it would have difficulties but I really can't imagine I wouldn't be able to do this. I would much prefer it to be their egg but I think if necessary I could donate my eggs also.
I do hope that nobody I love would need this but I would offer if ever required in a heartbeat.
I've been thinking about this lately as well. I would like to be able to help someone, but it would only be close friends or family. I also would like to know the baby growing up and offer BF or EBM to make sure it receives the benefit. I would hope the mum I was doing it for would try to start lactating so she could take over the BF duties, it would help with the bonding I think.
As others have said, checking out the laws and having a lawyer right up the agreement would be the best way to do it.
I would be a surrogate, even for a stranger. My only concern would be that I think it would be hard not to bond with the baby, even knowing its not yours.
in theory, i would like to think i could
in reality, i know i couldn't.
the journey to get our DD was very hard on us all. if something went wrong, i would blame myself for that - whether it was my issues or not, i wouldn't be able to stop myself from feeling that guilt. i also had a very nasty pg MS wise. and emotionally, i'm not that strong. i know how much i bonded with my DD from the moment she implanted (yup i felt it) - there is no way i could distance myself from the little parasite that was sapping my strength.
so yes, i theory, i would love to give that gift to someone that i love. but in reality, i know it's just not physically or emotionally something i could do.
For me, I couldn't because of my own children and trying to explain to them and also because I am a school teacher I would then have to explain it to them and the school community. I think it would take more strength than I have in me sadly. I am also very very clucky and regardless of biology I would have trouble not bonding with the baby too.
Maybe if I had a sister I would feel differently.
For me, I couldn't because of my own children and trying to explain to them and also because I am a school teacher I would then have to explain it to them and the school community. I think it would take more strength than I have in me sadly. I am also very very clucky and regardless of biology I would have trouble not bonding with the baby too.
Maybe if I had a sister I would feel differently.
My sister is having trouble with ttc and I have wondered if I could help her. I would like to think i could but really would have to wait for real life situation to present itself to make a definite decision.
It's a wonderful gift to give someone.
I couldn't do it. Pregnancy is physically painful and disabling for me, I couldn't ever go through it again. However I would donate one of my eggs if my brother ever wanted a baby that was biologically his (he is gay, so my egg and his partners sperm) but they would have to find someone else to carry it. As it stands, though, he is not in a serious relationship so this is all theoretical atm.
I personally dont think I could. I wouldnt be able to help but bond with the baby & therefore I would find it difficult not getting to keep it at the end IYKWIM.
One of my friends that I went to school with but still associate with was a surrogate for her older sister. She gave birth to her niece last Dec. My friend said that she's been fine, she doesnt feel like it's her baby at all, just her niece. She see's her every now & then but no different than anyone else with a niece or nephew. She has 2 young girls of her own (7yrs & 9yrs) & divorced so she feel finished with her baby making days (for herself). So far it's been great, hope it stays this "easy" for them as time goes by.
I couldn't do it. I don't think I would be able to detach myself from the baby enough to hand it over at the end of the pregnancy. My brain would be telling me that the baby isn't a part of my family but my heart wouldn't give it up. I bond so much with my babies when pregnant I'm not sure I'd be able to handle giving the baby to it's parents at the end of the day.
I'm not sure I could even donate eggs. I just wouldn't be able to separate in my mind that the child was not mine.
I would love to think i could do it,I believe that ppl who can and do carry a baby for others is an amazing and wonderful gift
But i know i could not do it, when i was pregnant i had such a serious early attachment to my baby inside me and i know i would have that again and not want to give the baby up even though it would not be 'my baby'.
I know i definitely could not use one of my eggs or give one of them, the thought that my baby would be out there somewhere really hits my heart.
I have an older sister who is not ina relationship with no children, iv often wondered if it came down to she really wanted a baby but could no longer carry one or couldn't, would i do this for her? Once again i would love to think i could , but i cant say for sure.
I am glad there are people out there who do this for others, but in saying that i don't think anyone should feel bad for not being able to do it , there are many factors to consider emotionally ,physically and legally .
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Could you/would you be a surrogate?
or put it up for adoption if she didn't want to.
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