Do you ever feel like your on the 'outside' looking in?

[Freya]

I do. All the time.

Its funny, as a teenager I just couldn't wait to be in my mid 20's, because for me that was the pinnacle of being................mature and grown up I guess. The time when other people start taking you seriously.

Now I'm in my mid 20's, I still feel like I'm a child at a party full of grown ups. I keep waiting for the moment where everything just clicks and I enter the world of adults. I dont know how much more 'adult' I wanna be; 1 husband, 3 kids and a whole host of stressful responsibility.

I hate second guessing myself, my ability to be intelligent and hold a conversation, my ability to be a friend, wife, mother........I avoid social situations and because of that I am now one very lonely hermit. I just stress about meeting new people, esp women older than me, and it all snowballs from there and I end up just not bothering or I sit like a statue and pray for it to end without me looking like an idiot.

I just want to belong somewhere; I want to have close friends and have my kids grow up with loads of great people around them. It gets hard spending our entire lives living away from family so friends end up being the only constant faces in our boy's lives. I want to feel comfortable in my own grown up skin instead of always feeling like a gawky, hormonal 13 year old girl, unsure of herself and just trying to stay afloat.

When do you stop feeling like a square peg in a round hole?

[Tinks]

I have always felt like that too Freya.

I always used to decline invitations for social things, be it a school thing or something else out of fear I woudln't fit in or they would one day find out 'what I was really like' and wouldn't want me around. One day I decided to say YES to invitations for a whole month and it was amazing. I found I did fit in with everyone and they actually DID want me around, the more I said yes, the more I was invited and then I started inviting them to things and they'd come! I soon found that I had amazing friends, we've all drifted apart now that our kids have grown up and gone to high school but still get together on occasion.

I think the only way out of it is to step out of your comfort zone. Do all the things you fear doing and soon it will all become easier.

[Starfish]

I completely get where you're coming from. I feel like that too, except that I'm in my 30's... I think that Tinks is right - it's a confidence thing. Fake it til you make it type of thing. Accept that it is normal to feel gawky and scared at first but the more you do it the easier it will become.

[~Hestia~]

I can relate. I often feel like everyone I meet automatically hates me, trying to give myself more worth now though. Since having DS I've become quite the social butterfly for his sake but am often just going through the motions, waiting for people to realise what an idiot I am! Sometimes I have moments of clarity where I'm having a good time and I suddenly realise "these people are your friends! They like being around you!" and it feels good.

[Glamourcide]

I hear you, Freya!! Bath and I were actually discussing this exact feeling on my FB page a couple of weeks ago I was reading one of my new favourite blogs and found a post that summed up how I feel, which is pretty much how you feel - awkward, waiting for that day when you wake up and feel like an adult rather than a teen, struggling sometimes to cope with the responsibilities of being an adult when you just don't wanna or feel like you're being an imposter (okay, so maybe you don't feel like that, but I know I do! Grocery shopping? Housework? Bah, I just wanna watch TV and eat lollies all day like I used to as a kid!)...
In a way I'm glad to know I'm not alone, but I really do wonder if this feeling of being the 'square peg in a round hole' (as you describe it so eloquently!) will ever go away. But then I look at 'oldies' who are going through 'mid-life crises' or doing silly teenage-type things and I figure it must never go away, we either learn to live with it and the burden of our 'adult' lives, or we reach breaking point and let loose

For the most part, I think I cope okay - I function well enough as a grown-up with a lot of responsibilities to juggle every day. But then old friends express surprise at how I've 'grown up' and I wonder when it happened, because I sure never noticed it. I want to yell, 'I'm still that same weird 16-year-old with an opinion on everything and a chronic case of the lazies!' but I guess I *am* an adult now, even if I don't see myself as one. I too avoid social situations because I'm either stuck with people I no longer have anything in common with, or I'm deadly afraid of looking like an idiot or being 'caught out' if I try to talk to 'adults'... it's really weird, isn't it?

*hugs* chick... I'm sorry I don't have any useful words to help you, but please know that you're not alone!! I'm sure we'd get along just fine together in a social situation lol, both of us being all weird about everyone else baha
x

[Freya]

We could sit in a corner and look suspiciously at everyone, maybe even pass some notes

[Bumperstump Cummerbund]

Tinks, I've JUST decided to do that, accepting all invites for a month Are you stalking me? In the past, before I know I'm gonna do it? That is SO Back To The Future

Freya, you're speakin mah language sister I never even invited anyone to help me choose my wedding dress, I didn't think anyone would be interested. I think it's a bit low self esteem with a touch of reverse tall-poppy syndrome thrown in. I see all my friends with kids and travelling and just so mature and sophisticated, and then there's grubby lil me who doesn't do the housework often enough and frequently burns the dinner and doesn't have kids. They're always surprised when I tell them they look just so together all the time, mostly they laugh in disbelief

I think most adults feel the same way. It's funny, I never felt like a kid, I never ran around and did crazy stuff, I was always told I was very mature for my age, and at 25 I'm still told it - but I feel less mature at 25 than I did at 12. I think we're all scared little kids inside, some of us just fake it better than others I guess

[~Lashes~]

no advice, just you are definatly not alone! i always feel like im on the outside looking in, like there is no way i could have a man, 3 kids and another on the way. some days i feel like a zombie going threw the motions but no ones home, its like im just watching someone else do it all on the telly. i feel like a hermit, everyone else seems to have it figured out, juggling kids housework and socializing! i have panic attacks just thinking of going to the shops with all 3 kids, some days dont even make it to the bus stop, unless the eldest is in kinder and i *force* myself to go!

[Babyluv]

Hi Freya,

It's funny but I feel like you're talking about me hehe.
I get anxious before social events. I've often said to DH that I don't want to go and without his encouragement I would have probably pulled out many times. I won't go to social events on my own. I'm ok if i'm meeting up with one of my close girlfriends but even if I know I will have friends at a party I still get anxious and want DH with me.
I'm 27 and always wonder when I will feel like a respected and mature adult. I often feel like a little kid, like people can see through the confidence I portray and know that i'm actually shy & not so confident hehe.
DH and I never had an engagement party, I didn't tell anyone I was engaged either except family, same thing when I was pregnant, hubby had to convince me to tell work and other ppl. I hate being the centre of attention, I feel uncomfortable when ppl compliment me.
Most of this ppl don't know about me because i've become very good at putting across confidence.
It's only since being with hubby that this is starting to change, I'm starting to stand up for myself whereas usually if someone told me something I disagreed with I'd most likely agree to keep them happy or not respond with my own point of view.
I think it's an active choice to change, I want to feel respected by other ppl, so now when ppl say things to me e.g "Have a c/s it's better for you and bub" I'll say No and this is why etc.
I want to be respected as an adult, i'm 27, i'm married and I'm having a baby, time to change it I say!
So I'm having a baby shower, I'm going to be confident in my abilities at work, home, study etc.
We need to change the way we speak to ourselves too, if we let ourselves be filled with doubt about our abilities etc it will eat us up.
We do a great job, we are adults and we deserve respect and should be confident!
Good luck hun

[Bumperstump Cummerbund]

Freya, check out Hyperbole and a Half - Why I'll Never Be An Adult. So true!!

[Glamourcide]

^ Hahaha Keike, that was the exact post I was talking about lol!! INTERNET FOREVERRRRR!
I'm so buying the 'clean *all* the things?' shirt for myself for Christmas. And I'll wear it with pride!

[Freya]

that was THE best blog post I have ever read. And it described me to a T. Im still chuckling lol

[Bumperstump Cummerbund]

'I did 3 things yesterday. It's like the things never end!'

[Glamourcide]

I love how the facial expressions just NAIL it

[Gigi]

i feel the same Freya.

after reading the young mums say they worry what the older mums will think of them and vice versa, i don't think it's an age thing.

i'm double your age Rhyb and i expect other mums (of any age) to tell me i don't know what i'm doing with bilby. i went to a mother's group where most of the mums were under 20, and i was the only one double their age. i was so in awe of the young mums. it wasn't their age that made them knowledgeable, it was their experience, knowing what to do. i learnt from them.

i feel odd like
when i'm in an environment of mainstream people, i seem to be too "alternative" for them.
when i'm in an environment of alternative people, i seem to be too "mainstream" for them.
i dont' feel i fit in anywhere.

having a child, has made me make much more of an effort. but i still dread going to other people's houses. the money/class thing always rears it's head. and we're about to go into public housing, so it's going to be even worse. I'm grateful for having a roof over our heads. I realise others will just hear the name of the suburb, and automatically judge us. the older i get, the more i feel like, fitting in, in real life, is largely connected to money. So many friends i've made over the years, i've stopped making the effort - due to embarrassment that i can't keep up with them financially. I can't spend the sort of money they do, when we "catch up". And i don't have the domestic setup they do, to entertain at home. there is an expectation and i can't meet it.

[boomba]

Hun I know exactly how you feel. No advice just sitting with you in the corner x

[Sopdet]

Always babe, always. But I am getting better, I don't hide as much as I used to, yes there are times that I'm scared when I meet people, scared in social situations, but I take each one as they come and deal as best I can.

I know I don't fit in with my family, it has taken many years to realise that I never will. I always felt like I was on the outside looking in (through double glazing & a padlocked door) and was never ever going to be a part of them, no matter how hard I tried, how many times I tried to be the person they thought I should be.

I went through a pretty tough time emotionally a few years ago and that really changed who I am as a person, I am who I am, you don't have to like me because there are people that do like me and those people mean the world to me.

[Jahzara]

oh wow ! I just read that blog - that is me - either that or I am really lazy :P

gee...

My head is spinning - I am so glad i am not alone

I have just forced myself to start playing Netball because i need to get out of the house and surround myself with people - more than just one on one. First game was last week and i was absolutely petrified - worried about making a fool of myself, worried what people will think of me, that they might talk about me and about how hopeless i am ! I did have fun - i laughed alot.
Tonights game was better - i wasnt so worried

I often feel like nothing i say is intelligent enough or that noone is interested in anything i have to say. I am my own worst enemy !

So yeah, slowly stepping out of my comfort zone. I am currently on medication for depression/anxiety so i am looking at stopping that asap - i want to be happy again and i want to believe in myself !