Naming conflicts!! Why are men so difficult?

[tinkerbelle]

Im wondering... is it mean of me to not want my hubby to pass down a family name (his Dad's name that is also his middle name)??
He wants to use this name as a middle name if we have a boy.
Trouble is.. I really don't like the name.. and with the first name we had chosen (which has family significance for my side) - it just doesn't go or sound right and makes the whole name when put together sound like its been chosen by parents who are not so intelligent..
And so he manipulatively said the other night that if I dont allow him to use the name, he will just hold it against me for the rest of my life.. and so I caved in and said we could use our second choice of boy's name with his family's hand me down name, as our first choice just doesn't go with the name he wants as a middle name.. (obviously I am feeling quite mad about it all and planning to tell him how he has made me feel later on..).
So now he's really happy at the moment because he has finally got his way (after 2 years nearly of disputing it). And I feel upset because the name we had picked as our first, as I said is significant for my family.. and even my Mum had been so happy we had like it so much to use it.. but now we are no longer going to be using it by the looks of things..
I just feel that Im the one going to be going through all the pain and trauma of giving birth to this baby.. and he's also getting his family (surname) passed down, so why is it such a big deal to pass down another name from his side too? why should he get the biggest say?? Am I being unfair?
I mean if I was really nasty.. I could just be like his best friends wife and say 'hey Im giving birth, I pick the names!'.. (which she did) but I guess that's just not me..

[toomanyshoes]

I honestly think both the mother and father should like the names if you're in a relationship.

Is there any way of shortening one of the names, using something that's similar, sounds like it, the nickname that goes with it?

I think it's kinda fair if you want to use a family name and so does he.

[*star*]

Or go with something completely different that has no connections to either family, if you can't agree on a compromise.

[MrsBexie]

I agree with Star. You both have to be happy with the name!

We have to use my Hubby's first name as our first boys name, it's a family name and I don't neccessarily like it for a baby and struggle with it but I know that it's very important to my DH to have his family name for our first boy (the name is Joseph which I like but not for a cute little baby IYKWIM). We are going to use it because I know how important it is to him and how much he wants to have the 6th Joseph in the family line...
You guys have to compromise with each other... It's going to cause huge problems if one of you isn't happy with the names!

Are you able to say what the names are just so we can see what you mean by how they sound?


Good luck!

[tinkerbelle]

Oh gosh, I would love to be able to have some other options - but its taken us two years (since before we even fell pregnant) to come to any sort of agreement on just two boys names for their first names. I have given my hubby billions of options and he always says he doesn't like any of them.. So I got to the point the other night where I gave him two baby name books (one had 75,000+ names in it) - and I made him sit down for an hour and pick out some names himself, thinking maybe this was the way to get some idea out of him of what he actually does like!..
And out of all those names and two naming books - all he could come up with was Jason (the name of my ex), Michael (the name of my other ex), and Thomas (the name of my beautiful cat who recently died). !!!
And then he gets stressed and says I cant make decisions.. Unbelievable...

[Anise3]

DH's family have a tradition of passing the fathers name down as a middle name for the first born son... I don't think DH's name really goes well as a middle name but I'll let him have it for this one, it is important to him and it's not like kids get called by their middle name or anything usually.

Sounds like in your situation though there are family names on both sides that could be used. I think if neither of you can agree then you should compromise and not use either, or you could use both (not uncommon for kids to have 2 middle names). Or weigh up who it's more important to... is using your sides name just as important to you as using his is to him?

[Jennifer13]

I know you say it doesn't sound good with your first name choice, but how often are the two names said together anyway? I say just use both of the names, the one you like and his choice, and learn to live with the fact it doesn't 'match' as well as you'd like. That way, you both get what you want and no one has to feel put out.

We decided to use a family name for our children's middle names (but this is a tradition we started). A boy would get a middle name from DP's family. Originally he wanted to use his fathers names (both of them) which I hated. I talked to him about how he wasn't really close to his father and that I'd prefer to use DP's name as a middle name, instead of his dad's. That really made him think and he agreed with me. That's why we ended up using my name as DD's middle name.

[Lisa]

Can you compromise and tell him that any future sons will have that name as a middle name?

DH & I have alternated the family names with our kids. Noah has DH's grandfathers name as a middle name... DS2 has a family name of mine for his middle name, DD2 has DH's mums name as her middle name, and the bub in my belly will have a middle name from my family. This works for us, but I guess not everyone will have loads of bubbas like us! lol

I hope you come to an agreement or compromise some time soon

[tinkerbelle]

Hmm.. have already tried the.. let's have three names option too, but hubby says that's silly.. and then turns around and tells me he won't forgive me if I dont let him use his family name..
unfortunately my DH doesnt really know much about the word compromise.. its an ongoing struggle in all aspects of our lives!!

[Rowellen]

I'm having a problem with choosing names with my DH. I think for him it is about control. He is normally quite a controlling person in every aspect of his life. But the pg is something he has no control over. I think being a **** about choosing the name is his way of gaining a bit of control back IYKWIM. Sounds like your DH might be a like this too?

I agree with Jennifer - use your first name choice and his middle name choice. The middle name rarely gets used.

Good luck.

[tinkerbelle]

Yep Rowellen. I think you might be on the ball there about the control thing.. and I guess also its probably our only option to choose the two names from each side of the family, even though it doesn't sound that great and I dont like the meaning of the names put together.. *sigh*

[Ahurani]

May I ask what the names are? maybe they aren't as bad as you think?

[Anila]

May I ask what the names are? maybe they aren't as bad as you think?

was going to say the same thing

[Pandora]

Tell him you will never forgive him either put back on him

[Rowellen]

Yep Rowellen. I think you might be on the ball there about the control thing.. and I guess also its probably our only option to choose the two names from each side of the family, even though it doesn't sound that great and I dont like the meaning of the names put together.. *sigh*

Usually the control thing doesn't bother me at all. But with the names issue - it's driving me nuts. I've had my names picked out for over 10 years. All DH can say is "no don't like it". Never a reason. I've done up a list for him of names that I've thought really hard about. I've checked that they go with our last name and our DS name (the only one of many we agreed on ). For a boy, we have chosen a middle name so I made sure my boys names went with that. I've considered DH's tastes - he likes normal names so I've limited my choices to more common names. It took me hours! But he barely gave the list a glance before declaring he didn't like any of them. I can definately understand your frustration.

Like others have said, you both need to be happy with the name. If he truly won't budge, it sounds like that would be the best compromise if you can handle it. Can you ignore the meaning? The names have their own special meaning for both of you so does the traditional meaning really matter? Other than that, Although I do like Pandora's suggestion . If you find a way to change his mind, please let me know your secret!

[Cocolove]

Youe husband is acting like a child, he sounds like he needs some time out and a lesson in compromise I hope you find one soon

[Amaunet]

The middle name for my ds doesn't really "go" with his first name but the name itself (and the meaning behind it) was more important. Sounds like you both need to compromise a little. Id use both names. His emotional blackmail however is very childish.
And while I would love to think giving birth gave extra power in the decision making stakes, it doesn't

[Chocaholic]

Am I correct in assuming the baby's last name will be his? If so, he already has a family name in the baby's name.

Ask him if it is so important to him to have that particular name as your baby's first name, then he won't mind the baby having your last name. Just a statement. I am not saying do this. He has to start listening and communicating properly.

Maybe write down what you want him to know, give it to him and walk away. Let him digest it in his own time then come together to talk.

If he can't compromise on something so important, what will happen when your parenting differs? He has to compromise somewhere otherwise he can destroy the relationship.

I think he has some serious growing up to do!