I'm having problems with DD atm. She's 11 and in grade 6. It's a small school, only 3 kids from her grade are going to the high school she's going to, one girl and one boy. She's befriended this girl, they've always been friends but never really been close throughout primary school until now.
Anyway, ever since she's been friends with this girl (L) she's become a down right little <insert B word here>. Her and L make up stories about their teacher to get her into trouble, DD has always liked her teacher until recently. Last week they ran to the principal to tell him the teacher had told them to P... Off. I don't believe for one minute that the teacher did! This teacher is quite young, she's friends with my mum who is her mentor. I have NEVER heard her swear in the 2 years I've known her. They've concocted this story purely to get her into trouble.
DD was good friends with another girl, she often comes to our house and DD goes to hers. This girl is a little annoying but she really is lovely and has a heart of gold. DD and L have decided they don't like her (obviously L is jealous of DD and her relationship). Last week this girl got an award at school, she woudl have been so excited, she isn't the intellectual type so an award like the one she got would have been very special to her. I got a phone call from the principal to tell me that as this girl was walking up to accept her award at assembly DD told her that she didnt deserve it I was MORTIFIED!!! How dare she!!
These are just 2 examples, there are many more incidents. Before she was friends with L she was a lovely girl. She never had a bad word to say about anyone, now everything is negative.
I've spoken to DD over and over again about not following what L says and does and we've talked about being nice to people etc. SHe just turns on the water works and agrees then she goes back to school and does things like this all over again EVERY SINGLE DAY. I've read DD and L's MSN converstions, they're always backstabbing people from school and talking about all the bad things the teachers do etc. I've limited her MSN time to 30 mins per night and monitor what her and L talk about in hope that she stops her horrible behaviour, which isn't happening.
I dread this kind of thing in the future. My mum's pretty wise, I had a few negative friendships over time and I realize mow that mum never actively discouraged them but subtly she was always pointing pointing out the right thing to do and how other things were not such good ideas.
I guess mum figured out early if you tell a kid they can't do something they are drawn to doing it. she's a good kid she'll see the light and come around. Trust her. My mum did and I turned out ok with a few bumps on the way.
Fingers crossed she makes new friends at the new school. If you're really concerned can you request they are in different classes? Might help?
I was a shocker when I was younger (Year 8 though). I have a younger brother who is 13 and is rebelling. He is a beautiful person but has mixed with the wrong people. My Mum has banned him from the internet or socialising out of school hours to try and stop this behaviour as he is really just being a sheep. The ONLY thing that has worked is people he really respects.... I am too close in age so I don't work BUT our most favourite Aunties and Uncles as well as Grandparents work! My Mum uses the line of "...and what do you think Aunty K and Nanna & Pop think if they knew ........... that?". Brings on instant tears and he pulls his head in. It might be worth a try and I always knew when I was younger and was playing up that when Mum threatened that she meant business and I was always heartbroken that my family would know what I was doing. Is that an option for you?
Is there any way you can arrange with the school to help keep these two apart??
I am not usually a fan of 'banning' children from having certain friends, however, in this situation it might be worth a shot?
I'd be changing her high school preference now before she gets worse... I was like this and I hate to say it but I didn't change and moved out at 17.... then I realized......what a evil little ***** I was !!and changed..... But it did take forever... Sorry Mum
Tinks i have been through similar to this with my DD around the same age, and im with Junglemum dont say anything to her about (L), i use to say things like do you think what you did is very nice? how would you have felt if it was done to you? Im sure when you have a big think about what you have done you will be the better person by saying no to (L) next time.
I also used the what do you think Ma (my mum) would think if i told her about your behaviour? I dont think she would be very proud of you now. My DD is very close to my mum so i got mum to talk to her many times about different things.
I also think discussing things without actually lecturing her is the way to go. I would bring things up with DD randomly whilst driving etc so it was a more casual convo more than sitting her down one on one at the dinner table IYKWIM
hopefully once she moves to the high school, she'll make new friends and leave L behind. she's probably just giving herself a buddy for highschool, so that she doesn't feel on the outer once she's there, but i'm sure that she'll see what's going on. she probably already does, but thinks it's better to have one crappy friend, than no friend when starting at a new school. good luck, but i also agree with the others, don't obviously discourage their friendship, you don't want your dd to rebel against you, just subtly guide her in the right direction xoxo
Hard as it is you usually have to let these friendships run their course. I know with DD1 that if I just went along with the friendship (didn't actively encourage it but was never negative) then eventually she wised up and moved on.
At the moment your DD is prob terrified of high school and the fact that the only girl she knows going is a total back stabbing biarth means she needs to befriend her so she doesn't become her victim at high school (you know the term keep your friends close but your enemies even closer ?) I would write to the HS and ask that they be separated, your school may do that as well!
I haven't been discouraging the friendship or anything, in fact she spent the weekend at the girl's house. I'm trying to make her realise that she has her own mind and can make her own decisions instead of following L and to teach her about the implications of lying about her teachers and peers. Just dosen't seem that I'm getting through.
I would love to change her school preference but the school she's going to is the only high school (public or private) in the area, she'd have to travel over an hour each way to another one which I dont' really like the idea of. There are over 10 feeder schools for this high school so I'm hoping like mad that she and L become friends with other girls and go their own seperate ways at some stage next year.
L has very little parental supervision, I went to pick DD up yesterday and there were no parents in sight. She also was dropped off at the local pool by L's mother where they spent the day unsupervised. I had a phone call from Dd saying she was going to the pool but nothing was mentioned about going alone, I don't think DD even knew until they were there.
Another sore point is Facebook. L has FB, I'm sure her mother has no idea what it is or she's up to on it. L keeps harping on about FB to DD which results in DD begging for a FB page. Our rule for FB is 13, she knows this and I'm NOT going to budge. I don't believe an 11 yo girls needs FB. She has MSN and will be getting a mobile phne for Christmas, so it's not as though she's cut off from everyone.
At this point, I know DD will not abuse my trust, she's a very good girl who doesn't like doing the wrong thing. That's now, at 11 though. I'm so worried that L will go off the rails as she gets older and DD will follow.
I wonder if she would respond to some (gentle) teasing about L? How L seems to tell DD what to think/do - hasn't she got her own brain? That you heard L is a mean girl and she should think about people calling her a mean girl too... Push it a little bit further so DD can see the longer term effects on her actions.
I feel a bit for L, but I also think she is going to dig her fingers right into your DD. I bet she doesn't have many other friends acting like this or having a mum around a bit more to guide her behaviour. Hopefully once DD sees how other people view this behaviour she will back off of her own accord.
I was quite the same as your DD, a very nice girl never had a bad thing to say about anyone. I had a bestfriend i had since i moved to canberra and as soon as we hit high school i met another group of girls who seemed 'cooler' i guess and i totally up and ditched my bestfriend i made her cry in front of my whole year (over 200 students) i called her a freak and that i hated her! i did that for popularity. She didnt talk to me until i served her at work last year and she noticed i was pregnant and she congratulated me and seemed really genuine. To this day i feel awful for what i did, i ditched her for 'friends' that soon later on got jealous i met my now DP and teased me, spread rumours around about me. I guess that was Karma for being horrible to my best friend.
I wouldn't want that to happen to your DD, this L girl doesn't seem very nice but then she probably doesn't have parents teaching her what is an appropriate way to act. Your DD would think she is 'cooler' than her other friends but she has to realise that her other friends are true friends and this other girl, in my experience will end up ditching her and leaving her with nobody.
I was going to post pretty much exactly what Mrsmac said: brace yourself and let the friendship run its natural course. A very similar thing happened with my DD at that age. It took about 1 and a half years for the friendship to run it's course. You will have to listen to lots of high drama and there might be a few early rays of hope (when they have inevitable temporary spats) but if you can bite your tongue and just keep offering a calm port then your DD will soon wise up and set sail in a new direction. Oh and I also agree with Boobaloo... very good points.
Possibily sit her down and tell her how disappointed you are in her behaviour, and tell her the way that you would lik eher to behave. limiting her MSN is a good idea, But maybe you can work on that a little bit more and let her know that if her behavious starts to improve she might be able to get more time, or if it goes the other way = let her know that if the behaviour continues you will be getting less time.
I became friends with a girl that was a b word when i was about 12... very little parent supervision.
She made other girls lives miserable in school because they werent as "cool as us."
Also, Because of her I had my first encounter with beer, ciggarettes and weed! At 12! THat;s insane!
Just remind her.... once high school hits they're not the big kids anymore.... they are the babies.
And older kids arent going to put up with b words!
U could just THREATEN to send your daughter to another high school? Say if this is the type of person she's going to become from hanging out with (L) then you need to act NOW and get her away from her before it gets worse.
Even if that means travelling an hour by herself, and not knowing anybody at the other school!
That's what i'd try. But..... i'm a mean, hard a$$. =P
My DD is turning into someone I don't like
I was MORTIFIED!!! How dare she!!
Reply With Quote
to you.
i did that for popularity. She didnt talk to me until i served her at work last year and she noticed i was pregnant and she congratulated me and seemed really genuine. To this day i feel awful for what i did, i ditched her for 'friends' that soon later on got jealous i met my now DP and teased me, spread rumours around about me. I guess that was Karma for being horrible to my best friend. 
Oh and I also agree with Boobaloo... very good points.
Bookmarks