I personally think it depends on the relationship of the ex dp/dh.... my ex dp was a dope head drop kick so heanse i faught tooth and nail and paid $10k to stop him winning the 50:50 share care!
As if you live in different towns/suburbs it can mean different schools etc etc ... worst case scenario but that would depend on waht the judge says ...
My , not having done it... but from people I speak to who have, you need to be super duper organised! You need to have a reasonably good relationship with the father or at the very least have an open line of communication and problem solving skills.
As for the effect on the children, it varies as kids are all different and their ability to cope varies. The younger ones have found it more difficult usually, compared to the elder who are able to comprehend what is going on, as the younger miss mummy.
It also depends on how you plan to split the 50/50, I know some who have gone week about which has been too difficult on the children, and others who have gone 4 on, 3 off etc, which works for them and vice versa.
Would you be able to have a trial period to see how your individual children handle the change?
Watching friends do it, it can be an organisational nightmare, I remember the excel spreadsheets used to map the time each parent had the child, any extracurricular activities, appointments etc. Heck they even planned down to the clothing each parent had. Variations had to be discussed and agreed upon in advance.
What we're considering is he has them Tues-Sun one week and Tues-Thurs the next. That way it's only 5 nights and two nights and easier for all of us I think?
Here's my experience (and you know what I do for a living).
Don't do it. It's WAY too hard on the kids. And the research shows it doesn't work for children under 10 unless there are exceptional circumstances. And it can create attachment difficulties for children under 5.
In saying that, we are on great terms with the Ex and her DF (we spend Christmas mornings together etc) so I think if the relationship was strained it would be difficult to sustain.
Communication is the key - you both need to be able to talk through issues calmly and rationally, always keeping what's best for the kids in mind. It does sometimes require sacrifice and putting aside your own ego (and your ex being able to do the same).
If you're not involving judges and can agree on arrangements between yourselves, maybe try weekends to begin with or shorter periods? You haven't mentioned how old your kids are, but for littler kids it may be easier to start with short periods and build up. Older kids can more easily let you know what they think and involve in the discussions as much as you feel appropriate.
Be prepared for the kids to start acting up as they get used to the new arrangements as well. Make sure both you and your ex have agreed methods of discipline and are consistent - kids work out how to play one against the other remarkably quickly.
Cranky Kitten, we've been split up for 2 years and have always done every weds and every second weekend, so all it'll involve is them going to him an extra 3 nights a fortnight...they will be 10, 8 and 4 when/if we do it.
so it works for some and not for others...it's hard to know what to do...I feel like i'm trying to make everyone happy except myself
Stoked...can you go into a little more detail (if you don't mind that is)?
Dr McIntosh is a child psychologist and has done a lot of work and research on the effects of divorce/separation and shared care on children. She used to advocate for shared care but changed her mind pretty drastically after she observed the effects on young children.
Dr McIntosh provides some ideas for when shared care might work, and when it definitely won't. For some families it works very well - usually not those families who end up fighting in Court.
My brother and his ex have shared care with their daughter, which works quite well for them. They have had to make a few sacrifices though, my brother would like to move back to Perth but is staying in Brisbane so he can stick to their arrangement.
Have your kids given any indication of what they'd prefer?
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50/50 share care?
We wouldnt' get judges involved and it's just a thought at the moment.
, not having done it... but from people I speak to who have, you need to be super duper organised! You need to have a reasonably good relationship with the father or at the very least have an open line of communication and problem solving skills.
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