Advice desperately needed - ex boyfriend - how do I just leave it alone??!!

[LizLemon]

Hi everyone

I'm hoping there will be some wisdom floating around to help me get this sorted in my head.

Bit of background - when I was in my late teens I was in a relationship for a couple of years with someone who very nearly destroyed my life (sounds dramatic but it's not). He was abusive in pretty much every way possible (I will spare you the gory details) and I would say set about systematically ruining every ounce of self esteem I had.

In the time we were together he managed to drive away all my friends (the girls he would either make passes at or lie to, the guys he would either threaten or intimidate), cheat countless times, steal from me, lie compulsively, not to mention the abusive things he would do which I won't go into. All the while stalking me and threatening me and my family.

Fast forward now, I'm in a brilliant relationship and have a lovely little growing family. While my time with this A**hat still haunts me, I certainly don't dwell on it and I am fine emotionally.

He had been in the UK for a period of time, and it brought me comfort to know that he was nowhere near me. I have since learned (ok, so I googled him, I do this every now and then to know what he is up to.. the make sure it's not near me!) and I have learned that not only is he back in my home town, but he is dating some lovely looking girl some 8 years his junior and probably naiive as hell. I so desperately want to contact her in some way and warn her but he works in IT and I fear anything I try to do, even anonymously on the web he would be able to trace back to me. I am very wary of inviting him back into my life as I don't want him knowing anything about my DH and child and as stupid as it sounds, potentially hurting them if I P**s him off.

So I know I should just leave it alone - but how do I deal with the fact that he is potentially hurting (or will hurt) someone else, or even that he's just merrily getting on with life when he is such a nasty piece of you know what?

And before anyone asks if it's possible that he's changed - the answer is no - I know for certain some of the things that he has been up to in the last ten years and he has not changed one bit.

Please, anyone have any advice? This is driving me nuts. I dont want to talk to DH about it as he feels this guy has done enough damage to me/us as it is.

Thanks in anticipation!

[mummajj]

aww hun, im sorry you're feeling so anxious.
unless you can find a safe way to get in touch with this girl, i wouldnt risk it. im not sure what 8 yrs junior makes her,but if she is very young,you talking to her might not make a difference and may only bring him back into your life. (which you dont want)
i would protect your precious little family and love the life you have now.

[blessedatlast]

No way, don't risk it.. He has probably manipulated this girl and she will just think you are the jealous ex girlfriend trying to cause trouble.. Kepp your family safe. xx

[Dansta]

Hugs hun
Is snail mail an option? Write a short note, go a 'burb or four away (any rellys interstate?) And post (no return address?)if hes done some bad stuff then maybe warn her or if you cant leave it be. Its hard I knoe. Hugs

[LizLemon]

Thanks for your reply MummaJ
I think she's about 24 - so old enough to look after herself I guess.
I know, you're right, but sometimes it feels hard to breathe knowing he's still "around" IYKWIM? It's like he's taking up valuable air

[~Kaz~]

You are not responsible for his behaviour. He is.

You are also not responsible for her behaviour. She is.

I do understand how you feel. From what you have written he sounds like a very dangerous, cunning and manipulative individual but if what you have indicated is true (i.e. the deep extent and extremely abusive nature of his personality) then he has been victimising people regularly before you met him, while you were with him and ever since. No one but himself is responsible for that. He is making his choices every day. I think sometimes we just have to accept that there are abusive people in the world. I am sorry you had the misfortune to cross paths with this man and I am sorry you feel concerned about his current girlfriend. If you were to try and warn her, he would most likely twist the story around to suit himself anyway. So you'd possibly be only giving him more ammunition to control and manipulate her (if that is in fact what he is doing). For all you know, she is equally as manipulative. Sometimes similar people find each other and get along well because they either understand the other person better than others or because, due to their own personality they don't see what others do because they pay more attention to themselves. From what you have written you know nothing about the woman beyond her age and appearance. Looks can be deceptive. (I'm not saying they are in this case just throwing out some possibilities to make the point that you are making a few assumptions).

I think on some level maybe you are not as ok with your history with this man as you'd like to believe. Does the woman remind you of yourself? in that you are seeing yourself in her during your late teens so it feels like it's happening all over again on some level? I say that with lots of love and respect that your survived your time with him and went on to build a happy and healthy relationship and family. You sound very strong to me. Maybe getting some counselling with a psychologist who has some idea about psychopathic personality traits and abusive men could help you to finally put it to rest.

[LizLemon]

No way, don't risk it.. He has probably manipulated this girl and she will just think you are the jealous ex girlfriend trying to cause trouble.. Kepp your family safe. xx

I know that's it hey - anything I say would seem like I'm just trying to cause trouble. Jealous - ha! What a bullet I eventually dodged.

[*Sparklez*]

No way, don't risk it.. He has probably manipulated this girl and she will just think you are the jealous ex girlfriend trying to cause trouble.. Kepp your family safe. xx

Yep that

You now have a beautiful family growing, and you dont want someone like this person back in it, to ruin it.
This girl is not going to listen to you and if she is a young girl, knowing them, she is going to do it to spite you instead..
I would just think that you have experienced hell and survived and now are happy and comfortable something he may never have.

Huge hugs hun, definently not easy

[LizLemon]

Hugs hun
Is snail mail an option? Write a short note, go a 'burb or four away (any rellys interstate?) And post (no return address?)if hes done some bad stuff then maybe warn her or if you cant leave it be. Its hard I knoe. Hugs

Ta I could do that - I like the going a few suburbs away idea. I have a feeling he would still know it's me though... I've kept everything really minimal on facebook and no profile pic etc just to be safe but you just never know what info is available. Yes, I'm paranoid!

[LizLemon]

You are not responsible for his behaviour. He is.

You are also not responsible for her behaviour. She is.

I do understand how you feel. From what you have written he sounds like a very dangerous, cunning and manipulative individual but if what you have indicated is true (i.e. the deep extent and extremely abusive nature of his personality) then he has been victimising people regularly before you met him, while you were with him and ever since. No one but himself is responsible for that. He is making his choices every day. I think sometimes we just have to accept that there are abusive people in the world. I am sorry you had the misfortune to cross paths with this man and I am sorry you feel concerned about his current girlfriend. If you were to try and warn her, he would most likely twist the story around to suit himself anyway. So you'd possibly be only giving him more ammunition to control and manipulate her (if that is in fact what he is doing). For all you know, she is equally as manipulative. Sometimes similar people find each other and get along well because they either understand the other person better than others or because, due to their own personality they don't see what others do because they pay more attention to themselves. From what you have written you know nothing about the woman beyond her age and appearance. Looks can be deceptive. (I'm not saying they are in this case just throwing out some possibilities to make the point that you are making a few assumptions).

I think on some level maybe you are not as ok with your history with this man as you'd like to believe. Does the woman remind you of yourself? in that you are seeing yourself in her during your late teens so it feels like it's happening all over again on some level? I say that with lots of love and respect that your survived your time with him and went on to build a happy and healthy relationship and family. You sound very strong to me. Maybe getting some counselling with a psychologist who has some idea about psychopathic personality traits and abusive men could help you to finally put it to rest.

Thanks Kaz - you are spot on with pretty much everything you've said. I dont think I am really ok with it all, I feel like it wiped out who I was and a lot of potential happiness and replaced it with a heap of mistrust and a pretty wary view of the world. I have spoken to a psych at one stage about that and some other things but I'm the kind of person who brushes it off and acts like it's no big deal. Maybe one day it will all go away - I thought it had until I stupidly googled him!!


Thanks again

[~Kaz~]

This personality type leaves an absolute trail of destruction in their wake. Some mistrust and wariness is good. It will help keep you and your family safe. Too much borders on paranoia and starts to hurt you and those around you. Try to stay in the middle hun. Balance. And there is nothing wrong with remembering the harm he did to you, but focus on your obvious strengths in surviving him, in moving on, in growing as a person. Don't continue to give him any more power over yourself or your life today by worrying about him. He doesn't deserve it and neither do you. Like I said, if you need support to stop giving him power (emotionally) then please seek it for the sake of your current family. If you ever want to chat, I am only a pm away. xx

[ShootingStar]

Hey hun. I have an ex that sounds very much like yours. He never physically abused me but everything else he did. I feel bad for that girl but hun, if it were my ex, its just not worth the risk. Theres chances that if you contact that girl, she wouldnt listen anyway.. i had everyone telling me how bad my ex was but i wouldnt listen.. i had to find out for myself. So it may be the same for that girl. Hopefully she too will find the light too, but i guess you have to think about whats most important in your life now and protect that first, before someone you dont know, iykwim.

[feeb]

Hun as horrible as it is to worry about someone else getting hurt and abused in the end it is not your issue she is a noone to you and you risk him finding you and your family and the rollarcoaster of fear starts again.

Do not do anything, even sending snail mail and posting from a different suburb he will know it was you. Don't put you or your family at risk.

[LizLemon]

Thanks Shooting star and Feeb.

It looks like the overwhelming response is let sleeping dogs (ain't that appropriate!) lie.

It's just hard to watch someone (potentially) make all the same mistakes you made yourself.

Thanks everyone for your input - I really appreciate it!

[diannescruffy]

I also agree with leaving it alone. It's highly unlikely she would believe you anyway, sometimes we just need to learn from our mistakes.

Regards,
Dianne

[mummato1]

My ex sounds very much like yours... it takes a long time to get over a relationship like that! I know I would also feel the same if my ex moved back to the area I live in and started seeing someone. But you know what.. I think it is also best to leave it. I dont think she would believe you, new love is blinding and it would create far more problems for you and your family than its worth. I was told when I started seeing my ex and I saw plenty of signs but chose to ignore them!

I will admit I do still google / fb my ex every so often to see where he is.. I know I shouldnt but it sometimes get the best of me and I have to check. I also feel better knowing he is no where near me!