sigh...... sometimes the weight of sadness seems too heavy to bear, that the world conspires against me and sometimes my angels lift me to places I never dreamed I could go.... sometimes it feels like a distant dream that my first 4 babies died, and some times the reality is heartbreakingly stark and I wonder just how I endured it and continue to do so... sometimes there is beauty and sometimes there is pain...... but always, they are only a heart beat away and always they inspire me....is this life after loss?
I feel exactly the same Dory. Sometimes I can't believe that this is MY REALITY and not someone else's story. Especially as time passes sometimes it seems further away, but other time hits like a ton of bricks and feels like yesterday that it all happened and I could barely function. I do think this is life after loss Dory. I think it will be like this always. For me it needs to be. The grief is far enough away sometimes, so that I can function and still laugh, other times the grief is right there and I need that too because that is the only connection I have with my Son's.
Yep. It is life after loss. You move forward, continue living in the new existence you are forced to forge into. But it still hurts like it just happened. Some days you look at your babies and smile at the blessing in front of you. Other days that smile is tinged with sadness as you remember what is missing. I wouldn't necessarily have this family, this life without losing Caitlyn (and Greg) but I also know I would give almost anything to have them still part of this life we are experiencing. It is almost like a bad dream, a fictitious story that is hard to believe it really is your reality. I don't know if there will ever be a place or time when my experience of now isn't tinged with the experiences of loss. But I know that those extremes of emotion makes me appreciate the good and precious times more than I might have.
I am begining to realise that this is indeed life after loss. This is my "new" life and i dont get a say in it. It is unbeleiveably sad but when i look at my littlest man i feel such guilt because if Kyarna was here, if my life had of gone the way i felt it should, he wouldnt be here...
Hugs Dory xxx
Big hugs beautiful This is life after loss. I only wish we didn't have to 'know' it. I think before Joshua died I lived in this 'rose coloured glasses' life. I have lost a grandmother I loved dearly quite a few years ago, and that was my biggest loss to date. But losing your flesh and blood, a part of yourself? It's different. When I lost Josh, I knew I would never have that life where I thought nothing could touch me, I would live forever and so would my parents etc. You know, when you think you're invincible? I've lost a baby, a life that grew inside of me for 5 months, it was like I've lost a piece of myself, never to return to me again. I don't think I am the happy-go-lucky person I once was. This is the new me, I am a mother again, but a part of me is always missing. I don't think anyone or anything will ever fill that hole. So this is life after loss.
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