Would you take a toddler to a funeral?

[Tuesday's Child]

Not quite sure if this is the right spot for this, but here goes.

DH's grandmother died on Friday. It's his Dad's mum and he's not particularly close to his Dad's family. The funeral is Thursday which is normally a daycare day for DD (22 months). It will be a small funeral with only family and then a hotel lunch afterwards. It'd be good to take DD to see her family as we don't see them much. But it somehow doesn't seem appropriate, especially since we do have care arranged for her that day.

Would you take a toddler to a funeral?

[[M]umma[M]ia]

No, I dont take my almost 3 y.o to funerals. I dont think its appropriate and I dont want her seeing people all upset and not understanding why etc.

[shellbell3]

It depends for us, we take it as case by case thing, we did take the kids to FIL's funeral because they adored their grandpa.

[leckert]

If I was close to the relative who had passed I'd consider it (it'd also depend on child's temperament). But seeing as you've said DH isn't that close to person and you've got care booked I wouldn't take her.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk so sorry if I'm confusing you

[LoveKnowsNoBounds]

I wouldn't take DS to a funeral. I think it is scary for a little child and hard for them to see all the people they know out of control with their emotions (crying etc) when they aren't used to it. You could always pick her up after the service to take her to the wake. People are generally less upset there and she can see the family. Sorry for your loss.

[beansbeans!]

DD1 has been to 3 funerals, DD2 has been to 2.
The first was for our friends mum, DD1 was 8months.
The second they both went to and that was for their great-grandfather. DD1 was 2.5, DD2 was about 6months,
The third was for their cousin and they were about a month old than they were at the second funeral.

At all of the funerals they have attended they were really well behaved. Even though the funerals were at DD2's feed times. IMO I think that they 'know' whats going on. Their behavious changes and they seem to understand that everyone is sad, and its not the time to play up. That been said, DH and I have the agreement that one of use will take them out if we needed.
We've never regretted taking them to the funerals, and have never had second thoughts about it.
The funeral you are talking going to sounds like the same funeral we had for greatgrandfather, it was small and only family and close friends.

[Tuesday's Child]

You could always pick her up after the service to take her to the wake. People are generally less upset there and she can see the family.

That's what I'd like to do ideally. But the funeral is on the other side of town (an hour away) so it's not really practical to pick her up and head back for lunch.

DD is pretty good behaviour-wise. She'd pick up on the sombre vibe and would behave appropriately (at least until someone started playing with her). We took her to my mum's funeral but she was only 8 months old then. But I don't want to confuse her or her to feel upset because everyone else is upset and she won't know why. I'd expect that DH's cousin would bring her DD who is 13-14 months, but she was quite close to their Grandma.

If we do take DD it would be for our sakes and not for hers. That's what make it feel so wrong. On the other hand, I don't believe in shielding children from death either. I suspect DD understands a lot more than she lets on. She's so busy absorbing everything around her that it takes a while for it to come back out again.

[HotI]

I have taken my DD to 2 funerals (my grandfather and DHs grandmother). We had the agreement that if DD was unable to sit still at DH's family funeral then i would take her out and vice versa. I think you have to consider the personality of the child, and whether you and dh would be ok if you had to take your daughter out. Also, i guess the type of funeral, if there is potential for wailing or other things that kids might not understand i would probably be more reluctant.

The funeral that we went to that was smaller, mainly family, & followed by lunch at a restaurant was fine for DD to go to. She and i did walk around at the back of the chapel, but she was quiet and it didn't disturb anyone. Later, it was nice to have her there and to meet some family we don't see very often.

[feeb]

I went to a friends fathers funeral on fri and did NOT take my 2 boys (3 and 20 months) but she had her 3 kids there 4, nearly 3 and 7 weeks and another friend had a 2 year old there.
My friends 4 yr old was chatting away a bit and her 3 year old apparantly was being a bit of a pain but I did not hear either.

I knew that my 2 would be too loud and rowdy and I wanted to be able to give my friend and her family support without worrying about my kids.

[NaeNae]

I don't think a furneral is an appropriate place for a toddler. We took DD to one and all she did was want to run around which bugged a few of the other people there. A week later there was another one and we decided DH would go and I would stay home with DD partly because it was a wet day and partly because ofthe experience we had had the week prior.

That said, neither were family.

Its a tough call, but if you think that DD is likely to want to run around and make noise and would be an unwelcomed disruption then don't do it.

Nae x x

[Fleur]

I wouldn't take mine, unless it were a very close relative...even then I would have second thoughts.

Also, I think you would have to take into account the feelings of the close family & friends? If it might be something they feel is inappropriate then it's probably best not to. On the other hand if they are cool with it, they might welcome the chance to see her.

[Jellyfish]

I think it must be a pretty individual thing, you know your family best. DD has been to two funerals in her toddlerhood (my maternal Grandma and my paternal Grandfather) and my Grandma commented that it was so nice to have everyone there, the comfort of seeing 'new life' and the whole infectious innocence, that his life continued through his family; others mentioned similar. All the children, grandchildren and great grandchildren were personally mentioned in the services of both and all of them attended; about 7 under 4 at each. If any were too restless, they just went out to the courtyard for a bit. I never really considered not taking her, she is part of the family and it was a time for family to be together but we are all pretty close within both sides of the family. She is quite empathetic (tried to offer me my own breast once when I fell over aww) and did see many in tears including myself and my parents who she is very close to but it didn't distress her, we explained as best as possible and she rubbed our backs; I think it is okay to show emotions to toddlers, that sometimes things upset us/healthy ways to express that and they do understand more than we realise. Personally, I would want my great grandchildren, should I ever be so blessed, at my last farewell and celebration of life even if they were rowdy toddlers

[Kazbah]

I do think it is very, very individual. We've taken Pip to about 4 funerals - his grandfather's, his great-aunt and great-uncle, and his DH's bestie's mum. Will came to the last one as well. Each time they were there for the comfort he/they gave to DH - at DH's dad's funeral, the family wanted him there - life continues. I think though that you have to be prepared for a swift exit if there's any noise / distraction.

all the best.

[krysalyss]

When my oma died DS came to the funeral. DH was there as well though and so when DS got antsy he could take him outside to avoid disrupting the service.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

If your DD can behave in the ceremony, I would. I'd be honest and explain that people are going to be sad and crying. It's OK to be sad sometimes, especially when someone dies.

For me, DS isn't that great at behaving as a small adult. So if it were a close family member, I'd try - but be ready to take DS out. Or provide him with a computer game and headphones.

[Charlotte91]

I'll admit, I'm very anti-kids at funerals. So, please forgive me if this comes off a bit harsh.

My grandfather passed away last year and my aunt and uncle *had* to take my cousins to the funeral for the "grieving process" and to "teach them about death".
My 2 brothers didn't go, as they couldn't handle it, they were 11 and 13. It was just too hard for them.

My cousins (13, 9 and 5) all walked into the church and was handed colouring books and pencils. At their grandfather's funeral.
It was beyond rediculous.

DH's grandfather is due to pass away soon, and there is NO WAY that i'm taking DD (10 months) to a funeral.
I just don't agree with it.

[Lenny]

I took DS (3 months) to my neice's funeral. DH was there and walked out as soon as he made noise. I asked my Bro what their wishes were - they said they wanted ALL the family there. And their firneds had children too. It was all beautiful and at no point did i think anyone was too noisey or inappropriate.

When my grandad died, my very young cousins were there. My little cousin, 3, was baffled when the last post started and he looked around the whole church for the 'trumpet man'. Again, i never thought it was wrong and no-one was too loud. We just quietly chuckled when he wandered off. The little kids all brought grandad cards. It was fine.

When my aunt died my cousin brought his two young kids to the funeral. (19 months and 3) Unfortunately, they did not bring anyone with them to take the kids 'out' when they got impatient. They weren't noisey. but a little disruptive and it would have been nice at one point for them to have been taken outside for a little bit.

So, i think it pays to have someone there who is willing to walk out and miss the funeral in order to take the kids outside if they need it. Would you have a friend who would be happy to wait with you and help if you needed it? It would be a shame for you to miss the funeral. I think you should take her. That's just my opinion.

[Miss.September]

DD has been to two funerals. One was my grandmother and one was my great aunt. They both adored DD, so I felt it was fitting that she be there. I was a mess at my nan's funeral, when it got too much for me, DH took DD. She was fine, but in saying that, nan's funeral had a bit where all of her grandchildren took a teddy bear up to the casket (she loved bears and we'd all decorated one to go with her). DD was fascinated by all the different bears, kept her interested and quiet.