ADVICE- Behavioural issues with children in mothers group.

[MrsFabuloso]

I have recently become part of a mothers group. There are about 8 of us all up, with children ranging from 4yrs to newborn. They are mums from the playgroup we go to and we also get to together once a week at each other's houses. Some of us also see each other randomly through the week, look after each other's children on occaision and have other play dates together ect.
Anyway, there is one mum, W, she has two children a boy and girl, B- 4yrs and A- 2yrs. These children regularly cause issues between the other children. They will push, hit, snatch, tip sand on other children (and each other) lots of other not-nice stuff. W either doesn't deal with the issues and her child/ren, or will be very blase about it and say things pretty unconvincingly to her child/ren. It is becoming an issue with the other mums and they would like to try to talk to her and adress the issues. Noone wants to upset her, or ostricise her, but we need her to deal with her children.
There is another issue which I see, and that is that she has recently lost a baby at term. I don't know exactly what happened, have been told she was airlifted out of town (we live in a small remote community) and only know that she was very pregnant several months ago and now she's not and doesn't have a baby either. So I assume either the baby passed in utero, or shortly after birth. So I would assume she is fairly upset about it, and possibly struggling or suffering with depression or something after losing bub.
But we still need to deal with the other issues with her kids playing so roughly with the others. How would you do it? *I* don't really feel I know her well enough to talk to her and have not been in a position with my own children to need to, but I have seen these children in action. They can be nasty and will purposefully do things to others. How could we address this with her in a tactful way?
Help!

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Maybe you could just step in and divert her children when they start acting up? If you do it discretely and quickly then there may not be a problem at all - sounds like this mother has a bit much on her plate and has chosen that this is something she is willing to let slip for now while she gets herself back together.

As you say, you don't want to upset her, but you do need to deal with her children.

[NaeNae]

Thats a really tough situation.

If it were me, I'd probably step in when there is bad behaviour from the kids and kindly but firmly address the behaviour AS its happening. There is nothing wrong with doing this in my opinion. It might even help the kids to be "told off" by someone else especially if Mum is struggling with grief.

On the baby loss thing - Grief is a very very funny thing she sounds like she has been through a real ordeal and she may well not have had "time"to properly grieve the loss of her baby. She may still be experiencing more "bad" days than good. I honestly don't know how I would have coped if I had DD before losing my first baby. She may not necessarily be depressed either everyone deals with things differently.

If you don't feel close enough to talk to her about the baby, maybe you can offer to look after her kids one afternoon to give her some down time and just say "if there is anything you need, or if you ever want to chat , I am here for you"

If the kids are in your care then you are able to monitor their behaviour respectfully AND give this poor woman some time.



its a hard situation, best of luck with it.

Nae x

[Just Me]

It's a really tough situation and I don't envy you having to deal with it

That's really sad about W and about her kids. I would worry that if you say something to her she might not come back. If she is struggling with depression, she may just find it all too hard. I think rather than saying something to her, maybe the other mums all need to pitch in and give her kids some attention and show them how to play with the other kids. I don't know that they need discipline as much as they just need someone to sit with them and show them how to play with other kids. If things are bad/sad at home too they might just be acting out. I don't think it is often that kids intend to do things that will upset other people, they often do them because there are other things going on. I think the kids need care just as much as the mum does.

I don't think you can turn a blind eye and you shouldn't have to because your kids have the right to feel safe and to have fun. But I think it might be an occassion to try and think outside the square a bit and see if there are some other things you can try to help out the kids and the mum.

I really don't know, but it does sound like a situation where a lot of caution is required. I do understand how incredibly frustrating it is for everyone else there though.

[MrsFabuloso]

- sounds like this mother has a bit much on her plate and has chosen that this is something she is willing to let slip for now while she gets herself back together.

As you say, you don't want to upset her, but you do need to deal with her children.

The other girls have said it was a bit of a problem before she lost the baby too, though not so serious. So it might be that she just doesn't have the same parenting expectations that the other of us do, itms.

Thats a really tough situation.

If it were me, I'd probably step in when there is bad behaviour from the kids and kindly but firmly address the behaviour AS its happening. There is nothing wrong with doing this in my opinion. It might even help the kids to be "told off" by someone else especially if Mum is struggling with grief.

On the baby loss thing - Grief is a very very funny thing she sounds like she has been through a real ordeal and she may well not have had "time"to properly grieve the loss of her baby. She may still be experiencing more "bad" days than good. I honestly don't know how I would have coped if I had DD before losing my first baby. She may not necessarily be depressed either everyone deals with things differently.

If you don't feel close enough to talk to her about the baby, maybe you can offer to look after her kids one afternoon to give her some down time and just say "if there is anything you need, or if you ever want to chat , I am here for you"

If the kids are in your care then you are able to monitor their behaviour respectfully AND give this poor woman some time.



its a hard situation, best of luck with it.

Nae x

We are all very aware of her children and where they are and who they're with. If we see they're with one of our children or someone elses, we will hover around and be close by to make sure things are ok.

Another issue which has been told to me, is that she will take advantage of people who are willing to care for her kids. Besides I actually honestly don't feel I could care for her children, as well as my own. I have my own issues and to take on hers too would be more than I am willing to do. I know that's terribly slefish, but I need to be ok too, and my family is priority for me. Sadly I am not sure she's getting alot of support from her hubby either. I really do feel for her. But I can't necessarily be terribly available to her.

I would worry that if you say something to her she might not come back. If she is struggling with depression, she may just find it all too hard. I think rather than saying something to her, maybe the other mums all need to pitch in and give her kids some attention and show them how to play with the other kids. I don't know that they need discipline as much as they just need someone to sit with them and show them how to play with other kids. If things are bad/sad at home too they might just be acting out. I don't think it is often that kids intend to do things that will upset other people, they often do them because there are other things going on. I think the kids need care just as much as the mum does.

I don't think you can turn a blind eye and you shouldn't have to because your kids have the right to feel safe and to have fun. But I think it might be an occassion to try and think outside the square a bit and see if there are some other things you can try to help out the kids and the mum.

I really don't know, but it does sound like a situation where a lot of caution is required. I do understand how incredibly frustrating it is for everyone else there though.

It is a big issue to me that she might feel picked on and not come back. To me it is more important that she feel part of the group right now, but I haven't been in the situation of her children hurting mine, nor have I felt I have been taken advantage of by her. I am seeing a mum in need, who has been dealt a terrible hand in life and who seems to be struggling. The other mums are seeing someone who is not dealing with behavioural issues shown by her children and her children picking on or bullying their children. They have also said the kids were misbehaved before she lost bub, so it's a longer term issue than I know about. Though I have tried to show the other mums things from the other side of the fence, that perhaps she has depression or something. I have suffered with PND and AND and it's not easy to parent well when in the fog of depression. If she is dealing with losing a baby at term too, well... I could totally understand why her kids are misbehaved. And I don't want to be the one, or part of being the one, who sends her over the edge. But on the other hand the other children in the group shouldn't feel or be bullied and hurt.

Goodness, I'm so torn! I have no idea what to do. Besides all of this, just how to you approach another parent and tell them their kids are bullies and feral???

[misty]

Personally, I would stay out of it and remain a fence sitter. If the othe women have issues with her, let them be the ones to address them.

I am in a similar situation at my playgroup. One of the newer women to our group is different from the rest of us in how she parents and the other women have taken a real dislike to her because of her differences. I personally have nothing against the woman, and feel a little sad for her and believes that she desperately needs friends / people to listen to her or even just hang out - she is definitely struggling with being a mum to her 3 young kids. I refuse to be dragged into the other women's issues with her (even though there are some very real issues - they don't actually affect me or my children in a way that I feel is detrimental to us). They can deal with their own issues with this woman. For my part, I am not willing / able to take on board her problems as my own, but I am willing to be friendly with her, talk with her and not ostrasise her myself - even though she isn't typically the type of personality I would usually gravitate towards. I have even gone so far as to try and include her in BB meet ups and inviting her to ither social catch ups in the hopes that she may meet some people who she will 'click' with. It doesn't cost me anything to do this and I myself have been in a position where I have been desperately lonely and lost and not had anyone.

IF her children or herself were doing something that specifically affected me or my kids, THEN I would be inclined to address the issues directly. Until then, it is not my responsibility to try and 'fix' or resolve the things that are causing issues in her other relationships.

Of course if she asked me directly for my input and / or help - then I would be forthright with her about my opinion.

[MummaBee]

IF her children or herself were doing something that specifically affected me or my kids, THEN I would be inclined to address the issues directly. Until then, it is not my responsibility to try and 'fix' or resolve the things that are causing issues in her other relationship

I agree with this
Oh mothers groups arnt they fun!!!! Sounds like the typical situation i hear at most of them we this we that decide we need to tell this mother shes doing it wrong. My opinion is stay outta it, I can see your issue ur scared your kids will get hurt or pick up bad things off the other kids but c'mon what do you think happens when they go to school parent your kids no-one elses. Just my opinion

[MummaBee]

Fair nuff from what I read just got the blood boiling lol, doesnt help our mothers group is very judgemental.

[Cherished]

I tend to feel for the mother, can you imagine the pain of loosing a baby like that That aside you said you live in a remote community, again can you imagine how lonely you would feel if you knew that your mums group didn't really want you there or had major issues with your kids I'm in 2 minds, personally I left my mums group before the kids were even old enough to start nasty behaviour, looking at the mums it didn't take much to figure out that some of the kids would be very naughty and not too kind iykwim. So I tend to sit back and look at 'life' and what your kids are going to deal with through out it. For one thing there will always be nasty people around, you can either remove yourself and your kids from their company or you can teach your kids how to deal with the nasty people and get along with them. For me I've removed myself and my ds from people that don't support us or the loving caring environment that we are raising him in, that includes adults and kids. When he's older there will always be kids that aren't so lovely around but by then hopefully ds will have coping skills to deal with them. So yeah I don't know, you're the boss of your life and your kids. What I have done is see the 1 mum from that group pretty much every week or so for play dates with ds and her ds and I have other mums that see too. The notion that a random group of woman can be put together into one mothers group and all get along is an insane one when you think about it parenting is such a passionate thing to so many people with often many different ideas and if it's not a passion to some then they can also get your goat up by being blase things that you care about.

[Kazzo]

Just wondering, has anyone actually reached out to this women? You say that she was pregnant and then not and that she has not said anything and you and the other mums wonder what happened. Could you ask her if she is okay, offer an ear if she needs it. Sometimes even someone you don't know all that well can be someone you can open up to. She may really be detactched from everything even her own kids and using MG to not have to deal with her kids for a short time. If offering a hand to her helps her open up it can be a bridge to trying to help with her kids too.

[surprised]

If I come across a "difficult" child, I try really hard to make friends with them by playing with them, showing an interest in them etc. I then find they are much more willing to do as I ask - just little requests like "can you help me put this away" or "let's not touch people with our shoes".

You could also do a more broad set of "behaviour guidelines" for the whole group to outline expectations etc. But this would still have to be done really carefully so it wasn't obviously all about this woman's children.

Someone also could quiety ask her what she would like them to do if her kids are doing the wrong thing.

Good luck - really tricky situation. xo