When it just all gets too much

[damprye]

I go to Triple P classes, Raising Boys seminars, Sleeping workshops, Food Cents programs, Circle of Security courses, some other thing I'm doing atm that I can't remember the name of and have people out to tell me what I'm doing wrong but every single thing I go to tells me I'm doing the right thing most of the time and that's all anyone can ask for right?
But what about the minority of the time? The times where you are just so worn down and worn out that you just can't do it any more?
I don't let MrT go to bed crying, if he is crying, my job isn't finished. He wants more boob, a bum change, cuddles, chat, play, different position, dummy, music, has a sore tummy, wind or just something that I have no idea about. All of those things I stay up and try to fix so I can put down my happy baby, awake or already asleep, and try again, hopefully with him staying asleep or happily laying there and eventually dozing off. Sounds simple enough and is easy enough most of the time but then *insert shark music* it's one of those minority times that, try as you might, you just are not strong enough to be a positive parent.
Take today/tonight for instance. Had a great sleep last night, woke feeling positive and before both the boys, MrJ wakes up and we have cuddles before MrT wakes for a feed, I feed MrT while MrT makes himself brekky and eats up, MrT is back asleep, me and MrJ get to spend heaps of time together, snuggle up and watch a movie together, do some jobs together, MrT wakes up, MrJ is awesome at keeping him entertained while I hunt around for a snappi and I come back to MrJ singing "Hey Diddle Diddle" to MrJ and we sing songs together while I change MrT as he is giggling and laughing away, then off we go to drop MrJ off at my Nan's as I head off to Session 2 of the Triple P program where I catch up with my support worker, MrT is being the star and talking over the presenters leaving me laughing hysterically, go visit a friend in the area afterwards as MrJ doesn't want me back yet, pick up MrJ and he does a run and jump hug at me lol, get back home and MrJ wants another movie while I feed MrT, feed MrT, feed MrT, feed MrT, MrT wont stop crying, go through all possible causes, MrT still crying, MrJ fighting for attention, persistant crying and vying for my attention from the pair of them, put a stop to it by announcing bedtime as I'm at my wits end and it's close enough anyways, MrJ cleans his room as I feed MrT again, have cuddles with MrJ as I'm feeding MrT and MrJ hops in bed, I attempt to stop feeding MrT and instant screaming each and every time and nothing but boob will make him settle back down (.... And here is where is goes wrong...) I start feeling angry, frustrated, stressed, anxious, useless and am getting rather tense, MrT is and has been fussing at the breast for most of the time we have spent feeding and it is making the feeling worse especially with him constantly pulling off and then screaming about it before I have a second to react and replace the breast and I just can't keep going. The thoughts in my head are damaging and I'd rather not be near either of the boys as I fear that I will be placing them in danger because I am just that upset. MrJ is asleep, I put MrT down safe in his cot and walk out, MrT is screaming to high heaven.
Now what am I supposed to do? If I am near him at this point, I would be afraid that I could hurt him, if I am not there to comfort him, just to be there with him, for him, I am hurting him. I cannot walk away and go back and try again, his crying is upsetting me too much to be able to calm down and I can't walk away to where I cannot hear him because he deserves to be heard and seen to when he is upset.
I can't explain exactly how I feel but lost seems to fill in a lot of blanks.
Most the time I can find the strength to pull through and be there. The other night, I ended up placing him down on my bed, punching the absolute buggery out of the wall and just screaming, left him laying there with him still screaming but even worse now because I upset him by my outburst and just sat there on the edge on my bed, head resting on his bassinet and just seemed to block everything out for a while before finally coming back and calmly picking him up, rocked him, fed him and placed him down in his bassinet where he happily fell asleep. Tonight I just left him crying in his cot and went into my room as I was afraid I would have another outburst again. He cried for a little while (not even 5mins), drifted off, woke and cried a lil again (for maybe a minute) and went to sleep and has been asleep ever since. It doesn't always play out that he'll stop so soon, sometimes he'll just keep screaming and I can't get just a few seconds of quiet to come back down, when I do get that little break, I can go back calmed a little and hold him until he is asleep or ready to go to sleep.
Kinda questioning why I'm even asking what I'm supposed to do because I feel like the best thing for them would be for them not to have me as their Mother anymore because I'm wrong and broken for not being able to do the right thing, for not knowing what the right thing is TO do. I feel alone.

What IS the right thing to do?

[Cranky Kitten]

Oh honey

The right thing to do in those minority of times is what ever you need to do to get through it with everyone in one piece. And to remember that it WILL pass, that it is the minority.

If that means you need to pop him down in his cot and take a few minutes to calm and refocus yourself, then that's what you need to do. No one ever said you have to be perfect to be a good parent, or if they did they need a sharp slap upside the head. Your boys have the most important thing already, and that is your love. You aren't broken and you definitely aren't alone hun, I think nearly all of us have been there at some stage or another.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

If it makes you feel any better, when my son was very little and just wanted to hear my voice, I read him Lord of the Rings. I was sick of baby books and needed some enjoyment from it. Took us a few weeks to get through it as a bedtime story, but we did it.

Constant feeding is annoying. I had the advantage with only having one doing that, but I'd have no qualms about using our "bonding" time feeding to read a book/magazine/BB if Liebs wasn't over fussed and had been feeding for an hour already.

Best thing to do? Stay sane. That may mean a one-off (or twenty-off) parenting moment you aren't happy with. With love the boys can cope with the odd you not coping moment. The alternative is far worse.

[Lady-bug]

Sounds to me like you are doing a great job. I have had lots of moments with both my boys where I've had to put them down somewhere safe and go outside for 5 mins to calm down and regroup.

Its really hard when you've done everything you can think of and they still scream/cry
You obviously put alot of thought into how you parent your boys, which in my opinion is showing you are a great mum!!

I read somewhere the other day, "there is no way to be a perfect mum, but a million ways to be a good mum".

[RhiChiChi]

I don't think there is a right or wrong thing to do. Seems to me you did what was best at the time for you & your child. Like Cranky Kitten and TFB said, being a mummy isn't perfect all the time, occassionally the settling techniques won't always work but that is the minority of the time & what more can you do? Nothing, nothing but walk away like you did, regain composure for your sake & the sake of your child/ren.
Could you be taking on a little much with all the classes & seminars? Do you need to step back and just be at home and be in the moment, whatever that may be?
From your post, you seem (and this is only me looking from the outside in) that you are placing alot of pressure to be a 'perfect' mummy (no such thing) and do everything 'right'.

[Cass72]

Oh you poor thing. Sometimes it is like that. But like the others have said, it will pass and whatever you have to do to get through those times is the right thing to do.

I can't really offer much help, only: Yes, I've been there too.

I was going through a rough patch and felt that I wasn't coping. Luckily I also had a very supportive MCN who offered some great advice.

I put DS2 into his cot - knowing that he was safe (albeit screaming his lungs out). I took a deep breath, told him I loved him and then went and had a long hot shower (my MCN's advice). I sat on the floor and cried and let it all out. I don't know if it was the cry or the hot water or both but after it I felt better. I don't know how long I was in there but he had stopped crying and when I peeked he was asleep. I resisted the urge to pick him up and cuddle him and instead made myself a cuppa, put my feet up and got lost in a book for an hour or two. When he woke we were both refreshed and, despite being put into bed screaming, he still loved me.

Hang in there hun, and like Ladybug said..... "there is no way to be a perfect mum, but a million ways to be a good mum".

[glenny_c]

I agree with RhiChiChi- do you think maybe you're taking on too much with these classes and seminars? It sounds to me like you have placed an awful lot of pressure on yourself by all this studying. The other girls are right, noone is perfect all the time! Trust your instincts honey. If they are telling you that you need to walk away for everyone's sake then do it! I promise you, your DS will still love you and he will be safe! I don't know any mother who hasn't had moments where they have had to remove themselves from the situation. It doesn't make them bad mothers- it makes them human!

Remember too that part of being a good mother is looking after yourself!! If that means that your ds cries for 10 mins in his cot while Mummy is having a shower, just remember that he is getting a healthier Mummy after those 10 mins! Be kind to yourself, Motherhood is HARD!!!!!!! Nobody expects you to be able to do it with a smile on your face all of the time. I know I certainly can't!

[Calluna]

No advice, but yes I have been there. Many times.

[KitFaerie]

That does sound like a lot of pressure hun, whose expectations are you trying to live up to? If I think it's gonna get hard, then I plan a few things in advance, like I'll feed for 30 minutes and when that doesn't work I'll play a music cd, and when that doesn't work, we'll walk around outside for 10 minutes and when that doesn't work we'll....

I also found assuming it wasn't going to work gave me a bit of head space, I'd get annoyed if I'd planned to be in bed by a certain time or to make dinner and it just didn't work out. If I figured I'd spend the next 3 hours trying to get a baby to sleep, then I'd be pretty happy if he fell asleep in 2 1/2.

I also give up, lol. If it just isn't working, then we'll go play, or have a bath, or do something that I know will make him happy and takes the pressure off us both. Some of my best Mummy moments come from giving up.

It is hard, and your allowed to break. Your not a bad mummy when you feel broken and your not a good mummy when you feel ok, you're always Mummy. Hugs hun xo

[damprye]

Whenever you tell people that you let your baby cry themselves to sleep, even when it is not the norm, there still those that judge you. How could you do that? I'd never let any of mine do that. You should appreciate the fact that they're there. Etc. It's the same with time out/time in. Sometimes you can't do time in, sometimes you need time out but put that on a pro time in page and you're a horrible person. WTF is up with that? How can you not try to be like these people say you should be like?

[Cranky Kitten]

I'm sorry, but who are these people that their opinion is so all-fired important?? Tell them to go jump.

Parenting is one of those things where everyone has an opinion, and many are quick to judge - but really, the only opinions that matter are yours, your boys' and maybe your Dr if you've found a good one. Screw everyone else, you don't need that kind of guilt! Their experiences aren't yours, your experiences aren't theirs. Choose a few supportive friends to talk to and ignore all the other nosey gits.

If all those parenting programmes and stuff is making you feel like this, I'd be totally giving most of them the flick and only keeping those that have good practical advice and are supportive. Trust your instincts hun, they will see you through a lot better than any "expert"

[LuluHB]

CK is spot on. Nobody else matters in this except you and your boys. You know your kids better than anyone, and you know what makes them happy and content little kids so anything anyone else believes is irrelevant. All these programmes and books are great but unfortunately our kids don't participate in them so they don't always understand the rules. They can put so much extra pressure on you to "do what's right", when what's right isn't always written in a book.

It is seriously hard looking after a little one. The hardness factor then explodes when you have two. I personally don't feel there is a more horrible feeling than that you are unable to be there for one of your children because the other is demanding your time.

Like you, I don't believe in leaving my children to cry themselves to sleep. As a result, I have cuddled my girls to bed until maybe 6 months ago. There are certainly nights when I've been so beyond it that I've questioned my beliefs. I think we've all at times had moments when really the best thing for our child is to put them down somewhere safe and step away to give ourselves a few minutes to pull it back together. Please don't think that that is a sign of failure. It is a sign of what a great mum you are that you recognise that despite your instinct to go to your child when he's upset you need a moment for yourself - and that is the BEST thing for your baby too.

[onthefly]

Are you all alone? Do you have people to help support you?
All those sorts of parenting books/courses are only useful if they offer something that's helpful to you.

[Lenny]

I don't believe any parent has not had times when they were just getting by. The only right thing to do is whatever you need to do to make it through.
I think that saying he deserves to be seen/heard while he is upset is too hard on yourself. I have left DS1 crying in his cot when i couldn't seem to calm him down. Once i remember vacumming and the whole time i could see the baby monitor going mad, but i was not in the right place to sit down with him and soothe him. I needed soothing first. There are some mums and Dads who never seem to need help - but i reckon there are loads and loads more who would love some help but don't never actually ask. And i don't mean help with parenting - just help with dinner or picking up some groceries or a 30 minute break to have a shower or just someone to hold the baby for a while. In the good ole days no-one used to ever do this parenting thing all alone.

[RhiChiChi]

Whenever you tell people that you let your baby cry themselves to sleep, even when it is not the norm, there still those that judge you. How could you do that? I'd never let any of mine do that. You should appreciate the fact that they're there. Etc. It's the same with time out/time in. Sometimes you can't do time in, sometimes you need time out but put that on a pro time in page and you're a horrible person. WTF is up with that? How can you not try to be like these people say you should be like?

Oh hun, I don't know who is saying that to you but they aren't there, at the moment in that time when you feel like you are going insane, going to scream, lash out - it's easy for people to make off handed comments like that when they are not there! You are exactly right when you say you can't always do time in - sometimes it won't be effective, sometimes you can't b/c you have another child to look after. That is like all aspects of parenting, you use the tools you know, have available at the time to get through the situation as best you can. Far out, if only parenting was as simple as those who say the above, but we know it isn't.

[Tegam]

Gentle parenting is a two way street you can't possibly be kind gentle calm to your children if you are angry disappointed in yourself. Hugs