Bodily Autonomy

[Heaven]

A blog post I read this morning that I thought was worth sharing:



Bodily Autonomy and Sexual Abuse

While Annabelle and I were traveling, we found ourselves in the company of groups of people far more often than usual, and it occurred to me just how many adults feel that it’s perfectly appropriate to touch a child without warning or invitation. Sure, it’s just a pat on the head or the back, a friendly touch on the arm or the leg, or perhaps a little squeeze on the cheek. It’s meant to be an acknowledgement of how adorable the child is, perhaps a way to connect and appreciate their sweetness. I get that, but I urge you, if you engage in this sort of touch, to think more deeply about whether it’s appropriate or respectful of the child.
One thing that really struck and upset me in our recent encounters was how many adults used touch when they had already made other attempts to engage Annabelle and she had chosen not to respond. They may have approached her, smiled at her, asked her a question, and gotten nothing in return. I make a point of acknowledging and speaking to people, even strangers, who come near as a way of modeling polite behavior and conversation, but I try to honor Annabelle’s feelings in these situations as well. Sometimes she is feeling shy or uncomfortable, and I think that’s okay. I don’t urge her to respond, because she shouldn’t have to. I may ask her in front of a new person if she’s feeling shy, knowing she won’t likely respond to me either, as a way of highlighting the importance and validity of her feelings and pointing out that it’s shyness, not rudeness, that is preventing her from speaking or connecting. To connect or not is her choice, and I don’t feel that social conventions should obligate her to do things she’s uncomfortable with.
So many times a situation went something like this: a person on the street stopped to say hello, looking Annabelle in the eye and perhaps asking her a question. She would tense up and look at me. I would respond to the person in a way that was logical based on their question and look at Annabelle. If she was still looking away from them, I would smile and say, “Are you feeling a bit shy?” Typically she remained tense, and I made an attempt at a graceful exit from the situation on this note. I was shocked when many of these people, after seeing that Annabelle had no interest whatsoever in engaging with them and was, in fact, uncomfortable, decided to reach in and force a connection by touching her in some way. Maybe this was intended as a reassurance of some kind. “It’s alright that you don’t want to talk to me, you’re still darling, have a pat on the head!” I’m sure that the intentions of each of these people were pure, but the message this sort of behavior sends to children is, I believe, a very dangerous one.
I know I’m not alone in that one of my greatest fears as a parent has to do with the possibility of one of my children being sexually abused. Something that I find extremely disconcerting is not only how disgustingly common this kind of abuse is, but how often it goes unreported. Figures on abuse reporting differ widely from one source to another, but I found this statement in an article from The Leadership Council titled “Eight Common Myths About Child Sexual Abuse,” particularly sobering.

Estimates suggest that only 3% of all cases of child sexual abuse (Finkelhor & Dziuba-Leatherman, 1994; Timnick, 1985) and only 12% of rapes involving children are ever reported to police (Hanson et al., 1999). A nationally representative survey of over 3,000 women revealed that of those raped during childhood, 47% did not disclose to anyone for over 5 years post-rape. In fact, 28% of the victims reported that they had never told anyone about their childhood rape prior to the research interview. Moreover, the women who never told often suffered the most serious abuse. For instance, younger age at the time of rape, a family relationship with the perpetrator, and experiencing a series of rapes were all associated with delayed disclosure (Smith et al., 2000).

The most commonly cited reason for this lack of reporting is the blame and shame perpetrators so often manage to place on their victims, but I know far too many victims of childhood sexual abuse who simply didn’t understand that what was being done to them was inappropriate. They were convinced it was a “game,” or a special secret that only they and their abuser shared. The National Child Traumatic Stress Network, in their Child Sexual Abuse Fact Sheet, explains that,

Very young children may not have the language skills to communicate about the abuse or may not understand that the actions of the perpetrator are abusive, particularly if the sexual abuse is made into a game.

My concern is that when we as adults take the liberty of touching children without their consent, albeit in completely innocuous ways, we’re demonstrating for them that adults have a right to their body. If children are used to being touched by adults in the supermarket, restaurants, on the street, and also at home with their families, how can we expect them to develop a sense of their own physical boundaries? How can we expect them, especially at a very young age, to understand the difference between well intentioned touch and abuse?
I believe very strongly that children have a right to make decisions about their own bodies. They have a right to decide when and how they want to be touched. While their innocence and sweetness may make us want to scoop them up and cuddle them, if we want them to have a strong sense of control over issues relating to their own bodies, we must learn to step back and intentionally involve them in the decision of whether, and how such an action should play out. My role as a mother does not entitle me to hugs, kisses, snuggles, or anything of the sort. Sometimes Annabelle wants to kiss me, and sometimes she doesn’t. Sometimes she gives the best squeezes a mom could hope for and other times my requests for a hug are met with an unwavering, “no.” It’s my job to respect her response no matter what, and to step in when others forget to consider her rights and boundaries, even if it comes off as offensive, or makes me appear rude.
This is something I’m still working on, and it’s so difficult to get over my own personal hangups about offending others, especially when I can see that these people are well-intentioned. I have been guilty of cringing inwardly while smiling outwardly, but the more I reflect on this issue, the more I’m committed to upholding and protecting my daughter’s rights no matter what. Her boundaries are important to me, and the last thing I want is for her to develop the idea that she should ever feel obligated to allow others to cross them.
I’m not saying that we shouldn’t shower our children with warmth and affection, and of course we as parents must touch our children in some way or another nearly every day, especially when they are young. I do believe we can have warm, loving relationships with them while still showing a deep consideration and respect for their bodily autonomy. Here are a few ways we can do this:

1. Be responsive
It may not always be practical to verbalize and specifically ask permission for every touch. This may even feel unnatural and burdensome in a relationship so close as that between parent and child, but it’s important to watch our children and stop short as soon as it becomes apparent that any type of touch may be unwanted. In these cases, we can reinforce the value that their comfort and feelings have by apologizing. I catch myself on this one often and have to say things like, “I’m sorry, I thought you wanted me to pick you up. I’ll remember to ask first next time.”
2. Ask permission
Yes, sometimes it is appropriate for parents to ask their children for permission. When it comes to issues surrounding their body, they’re in charge. Whether verbally or nonverbally, we can show children that how they feel about being touched is important by asking before planting a kiss or giving a hug. Sometimes stretching your arms out and giving them the chance to lean in first before offering a hug is enough, and other times it may make sense to ask directly, “May I have a kiss?”
3. Give warning
As parents, there are times when we need to touch our children, and quickly. For instance, Annabelle came up with a little game recently that she thought was awfully fun, and it involved running away from me in the train station. With the tracks mere inches away, I wasn’t going to waste time in asking for permission to pick her up, and I certainly wasn’t going to leave her to keep running, even if I saw that she wasn’t wanting to be picked up (most of the time she wasn’t). I talked with her directly and let her know that when I see her running away, I feel really scared because it’s my job to keep her safe and running near the tracks is very dangerous. I told her that if I saw her running away, I was going to pick her up, because I need to know that she is safe. In this case, it only makes sense for me to touch her, for her own safety, but she still deserves to know why I’m doing so. This way she’s not caught off guard, and she also has the opportunity to avoid being picked up by not running away.
4. Narrate
While some may think it’s a bit too much, this is my preferred way of interacting with younger infants. Of course they are unable to directly give permission, but I still believe they deserve to be consulted in actions surrounding their bodies. When picking them up, we can let them know what we’re doing and where we’re going. “I’m going to pick you up and take you to the couch so that I can offer you some milk.” When diapering or dressing them, we can talk through what’s happening and why, “I’m going to take your diaper off so that I can give you a fresh, clean one.” How much this benefits them, I can’t say for sure, but I believe it’s a wonderful way of showing respect for the child’s right to know what’s happening with their body, and if nothing else helps develop an awareness on the caregivers’ part that will make it easier to respect the child’s bodily autonomy as they get older.
5. Discuss
It’s not possible to prevent every instance where an adult might touch a child in a way that is disrespectful. I know many strangers have reached in to touch Annabelle before I had the opportunity to do anything about it. We can only control so much, but what gets past us can be discussed later on. “I noticed that man squeezed your cheeks without asking.” These instances can be used as opportunities to help our children reflect on their feelings and see them as important. They’re also great opportunities for us to reinforce the idea that the child has the right to speak up anytime they feel uncomfortable.

Of course we can also work to prevent abuse, or increase the likelihood that our children will speak up about it by discussing what areas of the body are only for them to touch. We can use accurate terminology for body parts to make it easier for them to recount details if something does ever happen to them. We can be extremely careful about who we leave them alone with. There are a number of ways to heighten their awareness and engage in abuse prevention, but the first line of defense is a child who knows their boundaries and expects to have them respected. We can show our children that their bodies belong to them alone, and that their feelings are important well before conversations about good and bad touch are in order.

[Heaven]

Maybe no one saw it. Maybe no one cares. I'm bumping it anyway :P

[*LittleMissSummer*]

I didn't see it until now but i find it very interesting.

I hate it when strangers come up to my DD and try touch her, more than often they do. I have told a few not to try touch her or talk to her if they are making her uncomfortable. When she was a real little baby i didn't let anyone touch her who i didn't know. I had a lady try pick her up when she was 6 weeks old and i snapped at her and said "don't touch her!"

I found the part about narating what you are doing a bit silly.

But i do find it interesting and as my DD gets older i will have a talk with her on what behaviour is good and what isn't when it comes to others touching her.

Thanks for sharing.

[HotI]

i think encouraging bodily autonomy in our children is extremely important. Pinky McKay did a blog on it last year that i e-mailed to family members to let them know our position (some people were starting to reequire kiss/cuddle good-bye and DD was 'norty' if she wasn'tkeen)

Have you ever considered the messages we give small children about their right to 'own' their bodies and to refuse unwanted touching? These messages start with tiny babies as we pass them from person to person;, how we do everyday tasks such as cleaning and wiping littlies, without so much as an explanation; and how we expect children to accept tickles and kisses from relatives -or even strangers who think they have a right to 'coochie coo' those chubby cheeks or to squeeze a juicy little knee.

Often we are more concerned with what others may think about US and how we have taught our littlies to 'be polite' (and not wipe off those yukky kisses or tell the kisser to 'go away!"), than our children's feelings.

As we unwittingly give children messages about compliance, we may also be setting them up for potentially abusive situations. Instead, we can treat babies and small children with respect and allow them to refuse any unwanted touching -from anyone, even grandma if they don't feel like hugs and kisses. Yes, I know babies and children are 'delicious' and grandma (and anyone else) may have their feelings hurt but perhaps instead of insisting kids 'kiss granny', we can ask, would you like a cuddle? Or, do you have a goodbye hug for Grandad? And we can respect their wishes. When they are treated with respect, children will learn that they do have rights, that their body is theirs and they can be in charge. Most importantly we give them a clear message that they are safe to come and tell us if they feel that their privacy has been breached in any way and they know we will listen, because we always have.

As well as respecting our children's bodies, we need to respect and love our own bodies, especially all the changes that happen when we do the amazing job of growing, nurturing and nourishing babies. And that's the focus of this newsletter - body image, our own and our child's. So read on and let us know your comments on my facebook fan page. Let's get discussion happening about gentle, respectful nurturing. If you have a topic you'd like to raise, please feel free to bring it up.

Pinky McKay

[sloane]

i only saw this now but, on my first read, these are things that i normally do although it has been more instinct than by design. i have a DS who absolutely loves cuddles & kisses from me & from DP so most of the time he will ask to be cuddled but often i will ask him if he'd like a cuddle or i'll ask if mummy may have a cuddle. when DP gets home from work, he will always ask if he may have a kiss/cuddle (if DS hasn't bolted out the front door to meet him!).

DS & i pop in to see my parents 2 or 3 times a week. my dad never approaches DS first (but that is more his nature) and my mum always asks if she may kiss him goodbye. sometimes he'll say no & she respects that (and then he cries most of the way home because he wants a kiss from gran).

i haven't had much in the way of strangers wanting to touch DS mostly they have talked to him but if he hasn't responded, they leave it at that. maybe we've just been lucky! a few people will ask for a high 5, which he willingly gives.

the narrating bit i think i used a bit, but i looked at it more from a language perspective as a way to be communicating with DS & for him to learn names/actions

i think it's important to let children know that it's their own body & they are in control.

[PumpkinZulu]

Fantastic! And very validating as I already do all of this. Even at 8 months, I will say to DD "now we're finished dinner, I'm going to take you and we're going to have a nice warm shower together, then I'll dress you, then you can have some bubba milk (just what I call it lol), and then we'll snuggle up and have a nice sleep." I've done it since she was born, I feel like it's important to let her know what's going on, even of she doesn't quite understand it all yet.

As for adults and touching, it's dry true. The part that really struck a cord for me was adults pushing children for contact or interaction. I've really noticed this. People almost feel they are entitled to interaction with children. I think a lot of it stems from past generations' old adages of children being seen and not heard. I loath that sentiment, but it does for in with not giving children any autonomy - through that logic they're just pretty little things there for the enjoyment of others, and they shouldn't spoil that enjoyment but making themselves heard.

[nickle730]

I think this article fails to differentiate between appropriate and inappropriate touching. Or I guess not, because it is saying that any uninvited touch is inappropriate. I don't agree. I think it is a natural part of human interaction to touch someone on the arm or perhaps the hand and rarely do I find that sort of touch inappropriate, whether it involves a child or an adult. Certainly, to force a child to hug or kiss someone when they plainly don't want to would be inappropriate in my view, but I don't see an issue with a touch to the arm or even a pat on a child's head. Obviously, we as adults need to pay attention to the cues a child is giving as to whether they are comfortable with physical contact in a situation, but I personally think this article is taking things too far and is a little silly.

To indicate that allowing a stranger to touch my child on the arm or pat them on the head is setting them up for a position where my child does not feel able to set physical boundaries and is at greater risk of sexual assault strikes me as paranoia. My children are comfortable with appropriate physical contact, but they are also very aware of what is inappropriate touching.

[OceanPrincess]

Nickle, I get what you are saying, but from a child's POV, how are they to distinguish between appropriate, loving touch and inappropriate?

As an adult, a pat on the arm or back can be comforting, but if it lingers too long, it can be sexual harrassment. I know that - and it is my decision. I can say "Do not touch me like that."

As a child, I imagine, they would not know. How many times do we admire a cute little baby's tooshie? Completely innocent - but how is a child to know what is crossing the line? They don't even know what the line is. Well - mine don't, anyway. I can't see how old yours are sorry Nickle but from the sounds of "Annabel" in the article, she's a toddler, maybe similar to my DD in age (around 3?), and my DD doesn't have any concept of appropriate/inappropriate yet.

Back to the article, I liked it. I do some of that subconsciously - I have always narrated, I don't think it's silly at all. I say "DS, I'm coming to get you, I'm going to grab you and we're going to change your nappy" and then chase him round the house. I put him on the table and say "Ok, dirty one coming off, just got to wipe your bottom ok? You'll feel better after that."

We also ask for cuddles and kisses - but I confess I do also scoop my kiddies up for a cuddle sometimes randomly. Something I also do is stoke my DD's face if she is sitting close to me... I will have to make up my own mind about how to adjust this behaviour.

Also love Pinky's interpretation of the same topic.

[OceanPrincess]

Nickle, I get what you are saying, but from a child's POV, how are they to distinguish between appropriate, loving touch and inappropriate?

As an adult, a pat on the arm or back can be comforting, but if it lingers too long, it can be sexual harrassment. I know that - and it is my decision. I can say "Do not touch me like that."

As a child, I imagine, they would not know. How many times do we admire a cute little baby's tooshie? Completely innocent - but how is a child to know what is crossing the line? They don't even know what the line is. Well - mine don't, anyway. I can't see how old yours are sorry Nickle but from the sounds of "Annabel" in the article, she's a toddler, maybe similar to my DD in age (around 3?), and my DD doesn't have any concept of appropriate/inappropriate yet.

Back to the article, I liked it. I do some of that subconsciously - I have always narrated, I don't think it's silly at all. I say "DS, I'm coming to get you, I'm going to grab you and we're going to change your nappy" and then chase him round the house. I put him on the table and say "Ok, dirty one coming off, just got to wipe your bottom ok? You'll feel better after that."

We also ask for cuddles and kisses - but I confess I do also scoop my kiddies up for a cuddle sometimes randomly. Something I also do is stoke my DD's face if she is sitting close to me... I will have to make up my own mind about how to adjust this behaviour.

Also love Pinky's interpretation of the same topic.

[glenny_c]

I think I get both sides here. I think ,like most things to do with parenting, it's a fine line. You want children to feel like they are in control of their bodies but don't want to turn them into kids who are scared of any physical contact. I think the article was interesting, and I do a lot of those things myself but seemed a little "over the top" for me. I don't know what gave me that feeling, I'll have to re-read it and think about it some more but it seemed a little extreme for me. I wouldn't want my kids to think that I am seeing everyone as a potential molestor (although as a parent you kinda do), I don't want my kids losing their innocence or feeling afraid if someone gives them a hug. I guess it's the difference between encouraging my DD to show affection and forcing her. (have no idea if that even makes sense?)

[KitFaerie]

I think it's brilliant. I do a lot of those things with my son and will continue to do them, and talk more with him about the rights he has regarding his body. I really really wish someone had written this article when I was a child. I would much rather talk to him too much about these kinds of things than not enough. I'm totally happy to see everyone as a potential molestor, the same as I check twice before we cross the road. It's a risk, and I'd prefer to be aware of it.

I think the point of the article is that if you teach kids that they own their bodies, they won't feel afraid of a hug, because they'll know that they have the right to say ''don't hug me'', they are in control. It's when you feel like you have no rights that you get scared.

(this isn't aimed at you glenny, yours is just the post I remember the most! xo)

[Panda74]

Good one! I'm really weirded out and I think so are my boys when people give them a cheek squeeze without asking! I know they're super cute but control yourselves! I've probably come across as rude or cool myself because I don't hand over my boys for cuddles even to relatives unless I can see there's some genuine affection there and its something the boys would enjoy doing.

[blessedatlast]

I found that interesting.. I find myself agreeing with everything OP & PZ said..

I hate how adults think the are entitled to affection from children without thinking of the message it sends.

[OceanPrincess]

This was playing on my mind recently. We went to Sea World and I have two blonde haired, blue eyed children and there were a lot of people there who wanted to touch them. My DD is fast enough and cheeky enough to keep away from them but my poor little DS didn't stand a chance.

Without being racist, it was generally Asians trying to grab him and touch him and cluck at him and pat his white-blonde hair. I guess because blonde hair (especially white like his) is so rare in Asia.

But my poor little man, he would get quite freaked out by it. At one point he ran into the middle of a tour group and they had crowded round him on all sides - I got a little bit scared and was starting to shove people aside to get to him when he ran out between some legs!

But it brought to my mind the fact that he was being touched against his will. He is a lovely affectionate boy and often runs to me for kisses and cuddles but with all these people grabbing at him, it was clear he didn't like it.

[blessedatlast]

I think it's common around friends too.. "C'mon DS give Abby a kiss and cuddle, she's going now" that type of thing.. Then when the child doesn't want to the parents kind of make them feel mean "Oh Abby's sad now that you wont cuddle her" I always try and explain it's ok if the don't want to they shouldn't be made to feel bad about it. Just because I know the child it really doesn't matter. Especially that when you look at sexual abuse in children often happens by someone known to them...

[Jennifer13]

I'm not convinced of the link to sexual abuse. Usually this is perpetrated by someone a child is already comfortable with. I believe you strongly reinforce what is inappropriate touching, even to very young children.

But I do believe we should respect children's boundaries the way we respect adults. This is going to vary in different cultures and personalities!

It's also why I don't hand my baby to people who are strangers to her for a cuddle. I think she should be able to get to know them first and then we'll see.

[willow5]

I've only just seen this too. Great post. I always told family and friends with DS1&2, (that's going back 20 years) that they needed to respect that if they didn't want to be kissed, cuddled or touched that they were not being rude or disobedient. How were we supposed to teach them to say no when it came to possible inappropriate touching, if they didn't know what their own boundaries were, and if they didn't have control over it. Not that I am assuming anyone in my family would be an abuser, but, the fact is that family members often are the abuser. So if we teach our kids it's okay for mum, dad, grandma, uncle, etc to kiss, hug, touch even when they have said no, how is that helping them?
However the issue needs some attention with DS3, some well meaning people just don't seem to be getting it

[e_p]

I'm not convinced of the link to sexual abuse. Usually this is perpetrated by someone a child is already comfortable with. I believe you strongly reinforce what is inappropriate touching, even to very young children.

I agree with this. Having said that, I can see how raising children who expect that their boundaries will be respected would be a protective factor for preventing abuse...as children, adolescents AND adults.

I liked the article and it made me aware of some things I hadn't thought of. I have always narrated to C about what we're doing & why we're doing it, I think out of instinct. My midwife was the first to do this for my DS and I found it really affirming - she never touched C without explaining why she needed to, and always reassured him (eg explained when we were clamping & cutting the umbilical cord, when she weighed him, did the heel ***** etc). I loved that she was being so respectful and considered about our baby's needs.

I have fallen into the trap a few times of apologising, or saying things like 'ohh that's not very nice' if he's cried when friends or family have held him. I'm glad I read this now so I can stop it before he was old enough to understand what I was saying. I don't want him to feel like he's doing something wrong when he expresses that he isn't comfortable with something/someone.

OP - thanks for sharing!