After some ways to increase my currently non-existent libido..really starting to cause some issues with DF. I don't know if I ever did have a high libido, but even if I can increase it a little bit I would be happy!
I was thinking about getting a necklace made up, like DD's amber necklace, only with some stones to improve libido, maybe some 'chill out' ones etc. any tips on what I should get would be great as I really have no idea!
Also anything else that may help (bearing in mind I live in the country so anything too 'fancy' I'll have to get online).
I'm in exactly the same boat (although my DH is very tolerant of it, it's not healthy for our relationship)! I'd love to improve things though! I'm my case I find breastfeeding is a bit of a libido killer too but it hasn't been the same since DS1 was born
So no answers here, but I'm looking forward to the advice as well!
they see horney goat weed in the aisles a woolies mmmm other things that might help is buy yourself some nice underwear to show off or get you hair done you know something to make your self esteem go up usually puts me in the mood, I get just committing to make an effort also helps for example my problem was going to bed much earlier so one night a week maybe I would stay up and then at least we were awake when we both went to bed.
Not a general thing, more aimed just at you hun (ss that is), but you may find, because of past issues with your DF, the problem may be far more psychological than physical for you, especially saying how he's not that considerate. By all means, try the natural remedies, but I would be more inclined to think your lack of libido has for more to do with your DF than you. I've been there, I understand
Have found a few semi precious stones that are supposed to help..smoky quartz, carnelian, tiger eye & aventurine in particular. Trying to decide what other ones I'm going to get made into a necklace and see if that helps. DF is extremely sceptical..but amber was very effective for DD when she was teething, and I may as well at least try and see if it makes a difference!
Give things a try but apart from the psychological thing, other medication can suppress libido. Things like the Pill mess with hormonal balance and a few stones arent going to be able to overcome that.
Dont underestimate the effect of trust and other things on a relationship. Remember, sex is not a need, it's a privilege. Needs include food, water, shelter. Noone's ever died from lack of sex. I dont dismiss the importance of intimacy in a relationship but it's not something to demand or cajole or sulk for.
Found a book at the library this morning called 'Sex & Intimacy After Childbirth' (by Dr Martin Snellen in case anyone wants to look for it..)
Carefully smuggled out between DD's library books after using the self-serve checkout station..lol
I'm only 20 or so pages in but it makes a lot of sense. Feel myself nodding along to most of it! A few things that stick out are 'sexual avoidance'. Yep I do this, pretend I'm deep asleep or shower in the morning instead of at night when it is more likely that being naked will lead to sex. Which is terrible I know, but I just get that overwhelming 'ugh I just can't DO this right now' feeling..
'sexual accomodation'- basically you do what you need to do to be satisfied, and I'll just lie here and meal plan or think about what we're going to do tomorrow. Also terrible!
And slight sexual acceptance- I can take it or leave it..when we do it it is good, but I could live without it.
I guess if I can recognize what I'm doing and figure out how to change then it will help. But yes, I also agree that trust and feeling secure are very important, and it's hard to muster any form of desire and 'want' if you have doubts.
Before bubs and pregnancy, I had a high libido, after bubs, hubby was lucky to be getting some once a week, if that.
For me, the decrease didn't really bother me, or perhaps that was because I was so sleep deprived, but for hubby, whose love language is touch, and who has a super high libido, he needed the intimacy to be able to feel loved and connected to me.
So this is what I did to try and increase my libido:
I figured out the possible reasons why I wasn't feeling 'in the mood' (not including change in hormones) - and for me they were these:
tired/lack of sleep
low energy from taking care of baby all day
empty love bank (from 5 love languages by gary chapman)
feeling unappreciated/overwhelmed/undesirable
So this is what hubby does if he decides he wants to get some action on any particular day:
In the morning he would take care of bubs so I could get an extra hour of sleep and start my day relaxed without a toddler pulling on me while I tried to pee/brush teeth/make brekky etc. That extra hour to myself in the morning really helps boost my energy levels
Similar to to the sleep issue, hubby will sometimes offer to watch baby for a solid hour whilst I do something that nourishes me - like reading, or yoga etc
My love language is acts of service, so for instance, if I come back from putting baby down for a nap and I see the dirty dishes have been cleaned, or the laundry has been put away, or her toys picked up etc I feel instantly relaxed and thankful to my partner for helping me. If there's no chore that needs to be done I can put that energy towards being intimate and not be thinking about all of the other things that I should be putting my energy towards completing. Even if acts of service isn't your love language, having hubby take care of urgent chores so you don't have to can be a real turn on - other love languages are touch (you might like a foot rub), quality time (go out for dinner with hubby), receiving gifts (bunch of flowers), words of affirmation (comments from hubby like - you are an inspiration to me, I can't believe how lucky I am to be with a goddess like you etc)
Being a mother can become all consuming to the point I sometimes forget that I am also a woman as well and I end up neglecting myself. Feeling good about the way you look helps you feel more desirable. So hubby can take care of bubs whilst you go get a haircut, facial, manicure, wax etc whatever self-maintenance thing you like to do. Or I go out for a coffee with girlfriends and doll myself up- do my hair, makeup, put on an outfit that isn't covered in milk vomit, food etc that makes me feel sexy and makes me feel a bit more like an individual woman who has a man that finds her completely desirable waiting back at home for her. Hubby also might make appreciative comments such as 'you are such an amazing woman You do so much for our family, I am so thankful you are my wife and the mother of my child. You are even more beautiful than when we first met etc.
If he does that he is pretty much guaranteed to get some but I also do the following to help as well:
I eat maca powder, ginger and raw cacao
I love the essential oil ylang ylang - so burning it or using it in a massage works for me, but other scents like rose etc might be appealing to you
in terms of crystals, RED TIGERS EYE is meant to be really good for libido.
I think about all of the things I love about my partner and remember that I'm not guaranteed another tomorrow with him (some people might think that thinking you/they might die tomorrow is morbid, but for me it reinforces how precious life is and how much my loved ones mean to me)
if all else fails a sure fire way to reignite that spark is with a kiss. Back in the beginning of our relationship, every parting or goodbye was followed by an intense, passionate 'world is ending' kiss - rather than the quick peck with the baby on the hip he gets now
So when I want to get in the mood, when baby is asleep, I grab him and kiss him like there's no tomorrow, and pretty soon that kiss turns into a makeout and that turns into....but yeah, every now and then kiss them like you mean it and see where it goes, sometimes a makeout session is fantastic all on its own
But otherwise don't dwell so much on the decrease in your libido, we have gone through a big transition and our hormones could still be out of whack. Just because it isn't what it used to be right now, doesn't mean it won't increase again naturally
apart from that - goodluck!
Last edited by CC11; August 24th, 2012 at 12:04 PM.
CC11 I could have written this myself. although you seemed to have it much more planned then I do lol.
I asked my DF to do the vacuming while I made muffins before a buisness meeting at home the other day and I said to him " see this is what is going to get you more sex! helping me so I am not so exausted" the joke of it all is we are sustaining from sex for 2 weeks to gender sway TTC hahahahaha so he couldnt have sex anyway ( im sure he has mentally stored that as and IOU lol)
I think what everyone has said it great, I honestly think that men just need it more than women.
Okdokey,
I think there are a few things that affect libido.
Tiredness and stress are libido killers.
I believe there is a nutritional basis for wellbeing and libido too. For me, the key for brain function and libido is naturopathic strength magnesium chelate. My DP and I really noticed a difference in memory etc and libido. I also had my hormones rebalanced naturopathically.
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Improving libido?
- other love languages are touch (you might like a foot rub), quality time (go out for dinner with hubby), receiving gifts (bunch of flowers), words of affirmation (comments from hubby like - you are an inspiration to me, I can't believe how lucky I am to be with a goddess like you etc)
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