Reply With QuoteOfcourse your not unreasonable to want a congratulations. If I was them I would have sent a text message. I'm not sure what you should do if you don't get a congrats from them, it's delicate but that doesn't mean your miracle should go uncelebrated.
BellyBelly Member
Pregnancy Annoucements and IVFers
So here is the situation: we are surprisingly pregnant naturally, after having IVF for our first two boys.
Just before we found out we were pregnant BIL and SIL announce that they are starting their first round of IVF, which is no big suprise as SIL has had PCOS/endo/pelvic issues since her teens and they are a bit older.
Of course, one of our first thoughts on getting a positive at about 6 weeks along was how to tell BIL and SIL. We were hoping to wait till a few weeks after their results were back and tell them when I was 14 weeks. Then we rethought that and decided to tell them in a low key way before their test, as I have been very ill and we felt we needed to explain my odd behaviour to the family. BIL said that SIL had been very emotional about the IVF cycle and so we decided that DH should tell BIL (his brother) and then leave it to BIL to break it to SIL when he thought best.
As an IVFer I've always felt that it would be best to find out about someone else's pregnancy by phone so that I'm not surprised in person and only have to say "oh yay congratulations" quickly before I can end the phone call to cry in private. But I know everyone is different.
This was now 14 days ago that BIL told SIL and we haven't heard anything from them. Normally we would probably have seen them on the weekend or at least I would have had a text/email from SIL during the weeks (we are a pretty close family). Their cycle hasn't worked - AF came a few days after we told them our news.
I completely understand that they are upset and dealing with their own issues but I am also disappointed for me that we haven't even got a congratulations text or anything. I now wonder if they are ever going to mention that I am pregnant or do they expect that nothing will be said about it for the next 7 months till I pop out a baby? Maybe they don't want to talk about it, which I understand and I won't be going on and on about it.
Would you have made contact by now? Am I being unreasonable in expecting some form of congratulations?
Registered User
Ofcourse your not unreasonable to want a congratulations. If I was them I would have sent a text message. I'm not sure what you should do if you don't get a congrats from them, it's delicate but that doesn't mean your miracle should go uncelebrated.
Registered User
Not unreasonable at all. This little miracle will become part of their family too and Is a cousin for any of their future children. And it's not going to go away..
I would give SIL a call and commiserate with her about how her IVF round didn't work. You know first hand the emotional physical roller coaster that this plays on a woman and couple. Lend an ear and see if she'll talk. But eventually bring up your pregnancy acknowledging how difficult it was for you to tell them knowing what they were going through. That you totally understand if she doesn't want to talk about it and that you'll give her time to get used to the idea...
I dunno. I'm not an IVFer myself so maybe I am not suggesting the right approach. I just want you to be able to celebrate your miracle with your family
Registered User
I think because you have done ivf it would be good for you to give her a call talk about how she is feeling and I am sure she will want to talk about your wonderful news.
You are so right to have not told her in person. As someone who has just done a ivf cycle that hasn't worked and has had 3 yep 3!! People blurt their pregnancy news to my face in the past few days I much prefer the one person who texted me her news!
TBH the head space I am in is not any that I experienced before so while I agree she should have congratulated you I can understand why she is avoiding you it's not personal it's just that horrible selfish feeling in the form of 'why not me' that comes with infertility as I am sure you know.
Call her
Registered User
Leave it for a bit longer, their pain from the failed cycle is probably still raw
I avoided pregnant people like the plague when we were cycling,its just a coping mechanism. Their avoidance is to do with their current situation, and nothing to do with not being happy for you.
They'll celebrate and acknowledge your happy news soon enough, you can never under estimate the pain of empty arms when someone else has a baby, child or is expecting, or the overwhelming fear those arms will be empty forever
They are taking the time / space they need and you just need to respect it
But congrats
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Registered User
I really struggle with saying Congratulations. Don't know why, it just (still) takes me ages to process a PA. I like to think I'm still nice about it, I just can't congratulate anyone, at least not straight away.
So, yeah, give them the time and the space, it's ok to feel hurt. They'll come back to you.
Registered User
I only did two IVF cycles, so certainly not a seasoned IVFer but I like BlackRoses suggestion. You need to call her and check on her about her failed cycle, she may not want to talk and that is ok but letting her know that you are there if she needs you would be a nice gesture. I am unsure if I would bring up the pg news as she already knows and like Audax has said not everyone can say congratulations show that they are happy when the present moment they are in is really ****e.
I certainly distanced myself from pg people and didn't really talk about my IVF cycles b/c we had done IUI first and all three cycles had failed so I felt even crappier when people would ask how I was going and I had to say no good. We only told immediate family that we were doing IVF and the first cycle failed which was blardy awful. Two months later a friend announced a pg (unassisted) and I was ok with it but she had done IVF for her second baby so it softened the blow a little. It still hurt & she posted her news on FB. I would have preferred a txt from her would but she told me later in person she just didn't know how to tell me, which I understand.
If they are unfortunate not to fall pg I couldn't imagine how difficult it would be to be around someone pg, regardless of you having prior issues falling pg. It is really tough b/c you have been on both sides of the coin & falling pg naturally is amazing after having to do IVF. It is really hard and you have every right to celebrate your pg, just don't flaunt it around your BIL & SIL. Compassion and discretion at this time I would advise. HTH
Moderator
With all due respect Rosey, you don't know what you would do unless you've been in that situation.
The grief from IVF failure is horrible. It's not just another BFN. It is THE BFN. IVF is a last resort for many and for almost half of those who go through it, it never works.
I agree your miracle should be celebrated Bloom. But they also need to mourn their miracle that never came.
Congratulations on your pregnancy x
Don't take it personally.
They are grieving and the fact that you have what they desperately long for is hard to handle.
I haven't had IVF but my best friend has had 5 failed attempts and watched myself and her sister, and now her other sister and myself again, get pregnant. I struggled that she wasnt there for me as much as I would have liked, until I had my miscarriages. It isn't the same situation but it helped me understand where she was coming from.
She isn't punishing you, she is just distancing herself for a while to deal with her own world crumbling.
Give her time. And don't take it personally.
Registered User
Personally I think you should have had least received a text, but I can certainly understand why you haven't. I think yuo did the right thing telling them in a way that was a low key as possible. I can only imagine how hard and disappointing it is to have an unsuccessful round of IVF, but after months of TTC and basically giving up on falling naturally due to PCOS and not ovulating, friends announced at a BBQ gathering with loads of people that they were expecting. I plastered on the happy face and congratulated them because I was so happy for them (and I was too embarrassed to let it show how crushed I was), even though it killed me inside that they fell straight away (after they were told to expect problems and likely have to resort to IVF) and I couldn't. Despite how unhappy I was about my situation, I wasn't going to begrudge them for getting something they also desperately wanted. I was glad for my friends that they didn't have the constant disappointment that it 'wasn't happening' like I did.
Try reaching out to her. It could be one of those cases where she couldn't deal with it at first, and now it feels like she's left it too long?
Registered User
Your right I don't know the pain of IVF, I'm sorry if that was insensitive. It did take us years and I know I sent a couple of congratulatory texts in that time.
Good luck Bloom I hope you & your SIL can talk about things soon.
BellyBelly Member
Thanks for all your input. I guess the years have some what dampened the initial pain and fear and grief so it was good to be reminded of what they are going through.
Thank you too for all your congratulations. Sometimes it feels like this pregnancy is something to be ashamed of, to be spoken of in hushed tones as if I were heartless to get pregnant now.
Thanks for the reassurance that we broke the news in the right way as I was a bit worried that they may have been somehow offended by the manner of the telling.
Joeve and Miss Dee - yes! I know that sinking feeling of horror when you get a pg announcement in person. My first thoughts are "ok, happy face on, say congratulations and how long till I can get out of here" - it is like an out of body experience being happy on the outside and in a pit of despair inside.
I'm going to try and organise family lunch for the weekend and hope that SIL comes. Of course, I won't talk about the pregnancy really at all and hopefully with time they will accept it. I will respect their grieving process.
But, but, but, a tiny selfish bit of me still thinks that surely a text, even if not entirely sincere, wouldn't have been too hard for them...
Registered User
Could you send her a text saying you're sorry her cycle failed and hoped she was ok? Maybe it will be the ice breaker she needs to contact you?
She is probably so caught up in her own emotions and grief she's not thinking as she normally would.
Although it would be nice to get a text I can understand if she's not thinking straight and engulfed in her own misery. Hopefully she'll surface soon.
Congrats on your pregnancy. :-)
Registered User
I am so sorry. This must be very upsetting for you.
Sorry but I feel your SIL is being selfish.
Moderator
I like what Rach83 said. She's not punishing you. It's great that you are all a close family, but we all process things differently. When you feel is the right time for her, may be the very wrong time in her mind.
She probably doesn't want to talk about it. Perhaps you can explain to her in a text that you understand her pain re the failed cycle. You want to help her with her TTC/AC journey if she needs it, but that you get that it's hard to be around pregnant people.
Congrats again on your pregnancy. Don't be disappointed in her. It'd be nice for you if she congratulated you, but it might be more painful for her than she can bear right now.
BellyBelly Life Subscriber
I know it's nice for others to be happy for you and maybe they are. Maybe they're not. So what? Does them not saying congratulations in any way take away from your pregnancy? Are you less pregnant or less happy about it? Someone saying congratulations, either genuinely or through gritted teeth doesn't change anything, unless you let it affect you.
You have what they don't and may never be able to have. Let go your expectations. They're entitled to their grief just as you're entitled to your joy. let go the guilt as well. It doesn't help you and it doesn't help them.
Registered User
Wow - sorry Tegam but that comes across as completely lacking in any compassion whatsoever. Brutal!!
The SIL would have just gone though a month of hell with her cycle only to find it a complete failure from an emotional, medical and financial point of view. Her world and dreams for the future could quite possibly be crumbling around her - giving her the grace of a few weeks to get through it / process it is really is no big ask from family and friends that have her best interests at heart.
I can honestly say that from my experience while cycling - the world outside my attempts to get pregnant simply ceased to exist, it's not selfish to protect yourself from pain and suffering when you are at your most vulnerable, its simply self preservation.
Bloom - if you want to open the lines of communication and reach out to her so you can both chat about your situation - perhaps send her some flowers that simply let her know you are thinking about her. I know after we had our first child via IVF, the pain and rawness definitely is dulled, you forget how damn hard it is at the time. I can assure you that when your BIL and SIL are in the right headspace, you will receive the genuine congratulations you are after. I wouldn't push for it earlier - otherwise all you will be getting will be an obligatory congrats - you don't want that.
Moderator
I'm not sure of your history Bloom, but if all of your IVF cycles were successful (sorry, not sure how many you have done), her feelings of failure may be compounded by your repeated success.
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