i am typing this through tears because I am so ashamed of smacking my DD this morning and finally acknowledging that she has completely and utterly broken me down and I have absolutely no idea where to go to from here.
DD is 5 years old and is a very very strong willed, stubborn and detemined young lady. Once this little girl has decided that she is or isn't going to do something then that's it - this is the very same thing that I love most about her and what I dislike the most as well. I know that she isn't going to be walked over in life and I can just see that this amazing strong will and determination is going to help do amazing things BUT at the moment I am completely and utterly lost how to parent her.
The last 48 hours have been absolutely horrific and I am in desperate need of help as I feel I have absolutely no control. DD will not listen or do anything I ask her, even something as simple as please come here. Anything and everything we ask her she says no and we can't not get her to do it. Last night she hit her brother, we asked her to apologise, she said no, I asked her to go to time out (sit in the hallway) she said no and so it started. DD has complete and utter break downs where we can not get her to calm down or stop grunting/screaming at us.
- She will not sit in time out
- Will not go to timeout
- will not pick up her toys
- will not sit at the table for any meal
- will not come if I call her
- will not stop running away (she ran infront of a car the other day and nearly got hit)
- will not go to bed
- I can not get her to do a single thing regardless of what it is.
I have tried time out & sitting there holding her but she throws herself around, kicking, screaming & hitting. I've had a few blood noses/split lips from this.
We have tried
- reward charts
- attachment/positive parents as in complimenting every single thing she does right/praise
- magic 1-2-3
- time outs
- deprieving out of outings
- removed all her toys and letting her pick a toy to get back for everytime she did something nice or listened
- ignoring the behaviours
- complimenting DS (3 years old) on all of his positive behaviours
- spending time with her one on one and also as a family letting them pick the activities.
We have stripped her diet as well.
I am completely lost and to be honest so broken down that I am about to give up. This beyond control behaviour has started out of nowhere. We have asked her what is wrong/why is she behaving like this and she tells us becasue she wants too. We can't think of anything that has happened to cause this behaviour.
I have posted about her bad side but the other DD that comes out sometimes is absolutley amazing. She is so loving, helpful, enjoyable and so amazing to be around. Sadly this little girl is not around much at the moment.
It breaks my heart because this is my little princess and I lay in bed in the morning not wanting to get up because I have no idea what DD I am going to have today.
Does anyone have any suggestions/techniques I can try?
You have just described my DS perfectly. Although he is a bit younger. I don't have any advice because I'm really struggling with it at the moment too. But you are not alone.
((hugs)) hun, sounds an awful lot like my DD atm. I am hoping it is just an age thing (DD is also 5 yo) but deep down I know it is her personality - she is exactly like my sister. We also get her putting her hands over her ears so she can't listen to what we are saying to her - frustrating as hell & my DH is at his wits end & ends up screaming at her.... time out is a nightmare as she just gets up and runs around the house away from us..... I have no advice but wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I think I'll look into HotI's suggestion though and google Negs suggestion. If I find any technique that works for our DD I will be sure to pass it on
I also have no advice but just want to send you some
You're right - it's so often the characteristics that we love and will love about our kids that drive us the most crazy.
My friend has a daughter the same age who sounds very similar to your DD. I know for them she got alot better when she started preschool, although I know it can go the other way for a lot of kids.
Is she at school/preschool? What does her teacher say about how she behaves there?
I have no advice lovely but hope someone else can help you (us). Just wanted to send you enormous hugs and tell you that I is doing exactly the same sort of thing at the moment. We went to the zoo on Tuesday and oh my goodness she was an absolute monster with tantrums, running off etc - all stuff that she has never, ever done before. I think the biggest thing for me is the incredible speed from which she flips from the gorgeous, happy girl I know to this new character that in all honesty I don't want to know. Hopefully its just a stage for our at the moment not so precious girls. The problem is that I think we have raised some independent, strong minded little girls that when they reach these stages its pure hell. I've tried everything you have with no luck. I had a moment a week or two ago when she and I had a nice time together and it broke my heart when I realised it was the first "soft" moment that we had had in who knows how long.
I hear you on the feeling lost as to what to do. The other day I had A in one arm and had to grab hold of I's collar with the other hand because I didn't trust myself not to do something with that hand if it wasn't occupied. I'm told locking them outside in the dog kennel isn't an ok thing to do, but I'm running out of options
Hugs hun. Do you have a local health service where there might be a psychologist or social worker you could go and talk to? When I did 123 Magic (the course) it was run at our local community health centre by a social worker who you can also go and see for one on one visits. She really knew her stuff and I won't hesitate to go and see her in the future if we need it. I'm in NSW so I'm not sure how other states work with community health centres. You could try your GP to find out what services are out there?
what do you *need* her to do? Anything beyond that, I'd let go. She obviously wants to fight about it, so I'd just not go there. Sometimes I get caught up in making DS do things because I want him to do as I say, instead of taking a step back and thinking about whether it really matters anyway.
Try time in together, rather than time out.
You've mentioned one-on-one time with you already, I know. That one makes a big difference when my son when I can manage it.
Diet and tv time make a difference to my son's behaviour, too.
I was thinking along the same lines as susprised - it might be time to talk to a professional about what's going on and how to deal with it. I'd start with either the GP or CHN and ask what services the council offer. I know ours offers parenting courses but you might even need something more than that - you might need some one on one time, as opposed to a group parenting course thing.
You could also look into her "love language" - figure out her currency and try to work with that? Have you heard about love languages? There's a book called "5 love languages for children". Might help.
My DD is only 3.5 and I am getting really concerned about how she is going to be when she gets older - she is 3.5 with the attitude sometimes of a teenager. Last night I told her to be sensible, while we were at Nanna and Pop's house, she was carrying on getting silly, I said "DD, be sensible please" and the reply I got was "No, YOU be sensible". She has tried that before, so I called her over, got down at her level, asked her to look at me and said "That is NOT how you speak to mummy. You need to speak nicely to mummy. Smarten up and drop the attitude." and she turned away and said "YOU drop the attitude"
I was gobsmacked. I called her back and again said "That is NOT how you speak to mummy. This is your last chance - speak nicely to mummy or you will miss out on dessert (my mum had made a chocolate mousse, which DD had helped with) and you will go to the thinking spot. Smarten up." Her response? "No mummy, YOU smarten up."
No dessert, thinking spot, but I after I'd put her into the thinking spot, went back to the kitchen and my mum says "Where did that come from?" and I have no idea. I was horrified. Where is this attitude coming from? And if this is what she is like now, God help us in the future.
Some awesome advice hun and I have none other than to me it sounds like time to get some advice from others like MCHN etc. So sorry I don't have any advice but know I am here, on BB and FB if you ever need to vent/chat/cry/scream etc xoxoxxo
I am about to post the exact same thread. I even rang ex DH in tears just now to be told "I told you so", because I spent 10 minutes being hit and having things thrown at me.
Obviously I have no advice, just wanted to send some love and let you know there are others dealing with these issues. I am at the end of my positive parenting tether and have tried everything you have with totally zero results.
I hope you can find some answers and move forward. xx
My DD 3.5 is exactly the same. Perhaps even more so.
She drives me to tears and beyond but is also the most lovable little rascal at times.
I don't think she has ODD and I would be wary of seeking medical advice and going down that path.
There isn't anything 'wrong' with my DD. I don't want to break her or make her bend to my will because it would be easier for me (some days I would love to, though I wonder if I would ever win!). So I don't have any answers for you there.
I go by the mantra and pray "this too shall pass" and when she is CEO of some multi-national corporation she will one day be bossing someone other than me around!
I don't know whether this is helpful either, but another thing that sometimes helps is breaking the mood by saying or doing something really ridiculous. Oh, and my MIL got good results by 'racing' DS to do things.
We're on day 2 of no tv - have been using the crutch a lot in recent months - and things were better today. It's pretty ****, though, when you're feeling lost and overwhelmed.
Our boys are very like this and if we spend alot if time stuck inside it gets worse.
Im looking into the benefits of fish oil atm.
We have rules and at the moment i ask them over breakfast, what are our inside rules? When we go out- what are our outside rules? and i have a harness and a wrist strap i can use if they try run off etc.
We will continue to stop outings, loose toys etc but i also try when they are really being monkey to change it to a positive. I will leave the room and collect myself, then put some music on and call out- who wants to earn a treat? then together we do something different like in summer wash windows, in winter redo the linen cupboard. Anything not normal that they can get a reward for. Or an extra star on the star chart. We use weekly charts. Eating, shower,sleeping and school mus be done with minimal fuss. Manners and listening and helpfulness. And any hobbies/ pet stuff.
It helps them to know what days are good or not and it often surprises us who got more that week.
Hugs its really hard but you guys aren't alone
Sent from my Galaxy with the barefoot princess covering me in kisses, so please forgive the mistakes
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In desperate need for help parenting DD
i can feel the utter despair in your post. I'm sure someone will have some advice/guidance for you
I have no advice lovely but hope someone else can help you (us). Just wanted to send you enormous hugs and tell you that I is doing exactly the same sort of thing at the moment. We went to the zoo on Tuesday and oh my goodness she was an absolute monster with tantrums, running off etc - all stuff that she has never, ever done before. I think the biggest thing for me is the incredible speed from which she flips from the gorgeous, happy girl I know to this new character that in all honesty I don't want to know. Hopefully its just a stage for our at the moment not so precious girls. The problem is that I think we have raised some independent, strong minded little girls that when they reach these stages its pure hell. I've tried everything you have with no luck. I had a moment a week or two ago when she and I had a nice time together and it broke my heart when I realised it was the first "soft" moment that we had had in who knows how long.
I even rang ex DH in tears just now to be told "I told you so", because I spent 10 minutes being hit and having things thrown at me.
DH & I are going to sit down tonight & have a chat. These kids of ours sure know how to push our buttons.
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